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 Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:39 pm
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Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:40 pm
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Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:41 pm
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Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:16 pm
~Entry 29~ I never realized how difficult it would be for the humans to understand what I am. Or, at the very least, to accept what I am. I know I’m different, but some of them insist on creating hysterics over it. Initially, the majority of the fuss was simply because I was in a wheel chair. Now, much of the school knows about my form, and that has started to become the latest bit of gossip and teasing. Chadrick insists that I should retaliate, but he doesn’t understand that reacting to those types of humans only encourages them further. I mostly ignore them, and though they haven’t stopped yet, I’m sure they will grow bored of their childish games and move on.
Other than that issue, I am enjoying school. I’ve even made a couple friends outside of the few from the swim team. They all keep saying that I could have many friends if I would open up more. This is easier said than done. I would like to have more friends, but.. there is always a lingering fear within me. I can’t explain why it is there, or how it came to be. I’ve had it since I can remember though. I’m glad that it has faded a little since I grew. I like having friends. I’ll never forget my first friends though. My fellow dreams.
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Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 10:24 am
~Entry 30~ Could it be believed if I said that I saw the son of Poseidon today? I’m not usually one to allow such fantasies, but I’m apparently making an exception here. I didn’t realize there was a swim team for the boys as well. Their season will be starting soon. I was with my friends in the pool, just having fun to celebrate the end of the season, when the boys’ team walked in to talk and visit. One of them… Oh gracious, how do I describe him? His eyes are gray like a stormy sea. His hair is black, down to his shoulders, and formed with the waves of the ocean. His body is like it was sculpted from the sturdiest cream-colored coral. And that smile… Straight teeth like shining pearls. He looks even better than Prince Eric from ‘The Little Mermaid!’ Though, the similarities intrigue me a great deal. Unfortunately, I didn't hear his name. The blood was pumping too loudly in my ears to hear clearly...
I’m certain that my face turned as red as a lobster when I saw him, and I made sure I was hidden well on the other side of the girls. I’d never seen him around school before! Though, I suppose there are many students I haven’t met yet. I’m certain he would be humiliated to find out I have such a crush. What human would want such a thing like me making eyes at him? At least, that’s what my friend’s said I was doing. I’m not quite sure how one ‘makes eyes’ at anything. If I could be human just for a day though, so that I could be comfortable talking to him…
The worst part though was when the boys left. One of the girls on the team who doesn’t like me (I’m still only friendly with a few of them. I don’t know why the others continue to fight my presence) laughed when she saw me watching the boys leave, and then asked what I’d do with a boy without the right equipment. This caused her friends to laugh hysterically, and mine got angry at her. I don’t even know what she means by ‘equipment,’ and trying to ask my friends only got me red faces and bashful mutterings that I could barely understand! I’ll have to find out what this equipment is. Maybe it’s something I can just buy? Would I really be able to get His attention if I had this missing thing? I wonder if Conan could help me find out. He’s smart. I even tried asking Chadrick, against my better judgment, and he couldn’t stop laughing at me. He’s not the best one to ask when it comes to the intimacies of relationships and equipment, apparently. I shall be dreaming of the gray-eyed prince tonight though. He will probably be the star of many dreams from now on~ <3
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Posted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:48 am
~Entry 31~ So, I found out what this ‘equipment’ was. ...It wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. I’m so embarrassed that I asked Conan about it, but I figured that he would be the only one to give me a straight answer, and he did. Even he took a while to respond, though. Oh, I hope he’s not upset with me for embarrassing him like that. At least no one else was around to hear me ask. I think I’ll give him plenty of space for a few days, so that he can have time to forget how silly I was. I'm glad he was willing to tell me though. That's what best friends do!
Oh, yes, and this equipment is certainly not journal appropriate to describe in detail, I'm blushing just thinking about it, so I’ll just say that it’s something that I certainly don’t have, and… probably never will. After getting over my humiliation, I felt this sunken feeling in my belly. I remember learning about the equipment in Biology class, and it’s an important part of any growing woman. ..Does this mean I have to be alone the rest of my life? Of course, my teacher knows nothing of mermaid anatomy, since I’m the first one she’s ever met, or even heard of being real. I may be a dream myself.. but it looks like I might have to give up a few dreams of my own.
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Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2012 12:21 am
~Entry 32~ Kai. Isn’t that a perfectly wonderful name? According to the internet, it means “sea” in Hawaiian. Short, strong, exotic… Perfect for the apparently lead swimmer on the boy’s team. I can’t help my crush, despite trying to end it, since I don’t really have anything to offer him, with or without parts. Who wouldn’t have one for him anyway? I’m fairly certain he still doesn’t know I exist. ..Which may be for the best, considering what is being said about me. The girls on the team who were teasing me before have apparently been talking about me, and not being very nice about it. Nergui told me what was happening, which must mean those nasty words are spreading. I wish it wasn’t so easy to believe… I really don’t understand how they can be so hateful toward me. I’ve done nothing to them… Nergui recommended I fight it by talking back against them. Not by lying, but do what they’re doing. Truthfully, I almost considered it. Learning that simply ignoring them might not work made me nervous. Thoughts of Conan made me change my mind. Surely he wouldn’t like hearing that I was back talking others. I know mother would be upset with me if she found out, but I’d absolutely hate to see Conan disappointed with me. Besides, I’m sure my idea of ‘talking back’ would only be laughed at. I’m not a confrontational mermaid. And even if I were successful? What then? No. Best to not form a bad habit at all.
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 11:33 pm
~Entry 33~ I went to a party with my friends the other night. I was scared to go at first, but they insisted. I know that they were just trying to help me get out more. Unfortunately, the party wasn’t quite what we had been told. It started out quite fun. There was food and music and everyone was talking. Even I managed to say a few words, despite being slightly overwhelmed by it all. Eventually I calmed down though, and was truly enjoying myself.
Later in the evening though, someone brought what was called a ‘keg,’ which is a large metal barrel. It was filled with something called beer, and beer smells terrible. They also brought special drinks in glass bottles for ‘shots,’ which are tiny glasses that you fill with this drink and swallow in one gulp. Everyone seemed excited about it, but my friends seemed a little worried. A couple of my friends went to these new drinks, but most of them avoided it. I had no idea what those drinks were, and they told me it was alcohol, and that it wasn’t supposed to be there. I remembered hearing about alcohol, and that it makes a person act like they normally might not. It’s highly discouraged in the school.
I had every intention of avoiding those drinks as well, but that’s easier said than done when you can’t reach where the regular drinks are. Stairs… As it was, I had to ask every time I wanted a refill for my drink. As the evening wore further, I had to ask for a drink and my friend, Sarah, said that she wanted me to try one of the shots with her. I knew she’d already had a couple herself, and when I tried to turn it down she said she wouldn’t get me anything else unless I did. Well, I was a mermaid in a big group of students where it was hot and stuffy, and I needed the water, so I agreed. The glasses were so tiny anyway; I didn’t think one would hurt too much. She came back with three glasses; one for me, one for her, and another for her to show me how to drink it properly. It smelled very strongly, and I nearly choked when I drank. It burned so much that I could feel it go all the way to my stomach! It was hard to not cough it back up. She laughed at my reaction, and finally handed me my water. I drank it quickly to get rid of the burn, and then went to one of my other friends to get it refilled with no strings attached. Later still, Sarah brought me another drink, and said that it was an apology for shocking me earlier. It smelled similar to the shot before, but wasn’t as strong. Actually, it was quite good. Then another student I knew from class asked me to try a shot with them. I didn’t want to, but I also didn’t want to seem afraid of it, since I’m afraid of so many other things. But then another classmate wanted to do a shot with me. And then another. I’m not sure how many I did… My memory starts to get a little fuzzy at that point, and I remember having to hurry to the restroom and- this is so disgusting.. and vomiting up nearly everything I had eaten and drunk that night. I was getting such a headache, and was immeasurably glad that no one was in there with me. There was mouthwash on the counter, as though they had known I would need it. Although, it’s more likely that someone else had used it before then, and simply hadn’t put it away.
Once I felt like I wasn’t going to fall out of my chair, I left the restroom and went in search of my ride home. They seemed very concerned for me, and I don’t blame them. I’m not sure I was even moving in a straight line by then, but I did my best. I was better off than Sarah and another though, who had to be carried out, while being yelled at for allowing me to have so much alcohol. How embarrassing for us all! The next morning, I woke with such a headache and belly ache. Chadrick even felt sorry for me, after laughing his tail off after telling him the cause of my ailment, and made me a little noodle soup to eat. Luckily, it was the weekend, and I didn’t need to go to school. I swear I will never touch alcohol again if I can help it.
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Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 12:20 am
~Entry 34~ I wish I knew what to do. It started out as simply talking about me in a negative manner, but the rumors the girls started are getting worse. I thought if I ignored them that they would get bored and stop, but it only seems to have made them more desperate to hurt me. Such nasty things being said all around school.. What if Chadrick or Conan are hearing all this? I’m sure they wouldn't believe a word of it, but to think that they might hear such things even be said! I just don’t understand what is driving those girls to this level of cruelty. Nergui once mentioned jealousy, but I don’t have that much for them to be jealous over! At least, I don’t believe they do. As they so enjoy telling me, I don’t have the necessary anatomy to be a ‘real’ woman. Shouldn’t that be enough to settle their minds that I’m not a threat to them? Much of the student body seems to ignore these rumors, but, of course, there are those who hang on every word. It’s just getting so out of hand…
Although, there is still one light in this storm. Kai actually approached me the other day! He came right out and said that he’d heard the rumors about me. I was about ready to pass out from sheer embarrassment, but then he said that he didn’t believe a word of it! Aside from the early facts, which are, well, rather obviously true to anyone who gets one look at me, he says that he’s sure everything else is rubbish because of the source of the rumors! Yes, he actually said ‘rubbish.’ How cute! At any rate, I could hardly believe that he would take the time and go out of his way to tell me this! Of course, that’s as far as our conversation went, since it was between classes. And he smiled at me before heading off. Oooh, I could have melted. ..I still am greatly upset by the rumors, but if Kai knows better than to believe it, then surely others do as well. That, I have to believe. Otherwise, I don’t know how much more of this spitefulness I’ll be able to handle.
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:04 pm
~Entry 35~ Mother brought home a new dew. She warned me that the new family member was going to take a little getting used to. That this dew, Branka, was different. I didn’t realize what she meant until I met Branka. The moment my eyes fell on the dark little dew, I felt a chill go down my back. Still, I smiled and tried to welcome her warmly, but received no reply in return. Mother said that since picking the dew up, Branka hadn’t made a sound. I couldn’t sense any anger coming from the dew of being taken from the garden. In fact, I sensed a little relief in the heavy silence that emanated from the dew. I couldn’t be sure what the cause of this silence might be though.
I had school to go to, so the meeting was short. I held her in her basket on the way to school, since mother wouldn’t dare leave her at the house alone. She was silent the whole time; the complete opposite of how Chadrick had been as a dew. I hate to say, but I was quite uncomfortable to be holding her, even if I wasn’t touching her. I’d never been so glad to leave that van and go the class. Unfortunately, the thought of going home to that chilling aura disturbed me the entire day, and I couldn’t focus on anything in my classes. The only parts of the day that cheered me up a little were when Kai said hi to me in the hall between second and third period, and sitting down to lunch with Conan and his friends, who might be becoming my friends as well. As soon as I left them though, the wariness returned, and I could only think of that feeling Branka gave me. It makes me wonder if Conan felt something like this when Kristopher arrived. I will have to ask him later since I didn’t think to ask at lunch.
The ride home had me once more holding the little dew. Chad kept looking over my shoulder to try talking to her, but even he couldn’t get any reply from her. It wasn’t until we were home that mother told us that Branka was a nightmare. I had already figured that out from the ribbon’s color though. Why on earth would mother bring home a nightmare? Why would it want to bother her? I suppose it’s not really my place to say such things though. Mother is intent on keeping her nightmare, so I shall help as much as I can. ...By which I mean be out of the way as much as possible. I dislike feeling such a way against an innocent dew, but something about it has me on edge.
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:03 pm
~Entry 36~ I was able to speak with Conan about his experience with when Kristopher, who is a nightmare, was a dew. I feel a little better knowing the similarity between Kristopher and Branka. It isn’t just Branka who gives off that unsettling feeling. Perhaps it’s a quality all nightmares share? There is one obvious difference between Kristopher as a dew and Branka though. Conan described how he felt like Kristopher was always glaring at him. I don’t sense any actual hostility from Branka. She more watches than glares. It’s almost like she doesn’t even react to what she sees. She simply.. sees. I almost wish she were more like Chadrick had been as a dew. At least then I would know what she was thinking when she looks at the world. Of course, this may very well all change once she grows into a child. It’s best to not try guessing what she’ll be like once she’s able to truly interact with the world around her. Anything is possible, and she is still young. Her personality has much time to grow and change.
Conan is the sweetest thing. He’s always so helpful and considerate. It makes me wish I could remember what happened before I was reborn… Yes. Reborn. This is what is called a 'bombshell' that mother revealed to me recently. Mother says that after she first found me the garden was lost for a time, and when that happened, I reverted back to dew form and lost my memories. I was upset at first when she told me this, which is why I didn’t write about it when she first told me, but I’ve come to accept it. Others apparently reverted back to their dew forms as well, but I don’t know the state of their memories. No one really discusses it. The subject of our memories only came up once, a long time ago. I was small, and can barely remember the conversation. Apparently Conan is the only one who didn’t revert back to a dew, so his memories remained with him. Mother says that there are other dew from that time who didn’t return. Only a few came back… I’m glad she brought me back. It’s unbelievably reassuring to hear that she returned for me. It also makes me happy to know that I was Conan’s friend before. He’s never brought it up, so I’m afraid to address it with him myself. Mother says that Conan would have nothing but good memories of me, which makes me feel a little better. I worry though that there might be other memories from back then that cause his silence in the matter. Perhaps it’s those dew who didn’t return with us? Perhaps he simply doesn’t speak of it because my own memories are gone? That is more likely, I think. Still… I am sad to know that there are memories of both mother and Conan that I have lost, and memories of the others who returned. Maybe, once we’re older and I can muster up the strength to, I’ll ask him what our lives were like before. There is too much going on now for me to push that onto his shoulders. Mother insists that I’m not any different from what I was before. She also says that we only had a short time together before the garden was lost. That all the dew were only children when it happened. I still wish to know what Conan saw with his own eyes though. Maybe I’ll learn a little something about myself? Perhaps something about him as well! Just knowing that we were friends before makes me feel a little closer to him. He took the time to be my friend again… Who else is as lucky as I am to have someone like him to depend on?
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:07 am
~Entry 37~ I supposed I’ve learned an important lesson about the lengths some people are willing to go to when they’re angry. The girl who has been insulting me from the beginning of school.. well, I’ll start from the beginning; though mostly to keep my own thoughts sorted, since I've already written about her. As I’ve written before, this girl, Roxie, took an illogical but instant disliking to me. She has spread rumors and bent truths almost non-stop since I joined the school. I had always hoped she would get bored of me if I didn’t respond, but that didn’t work. I had no idea how to fix it, but my friend Nergui had her own ideas. I guess Nergui was tired of Roxie’s attitude as well. All three of us are in the same gym class, and recently we had swim week. Well, Nergui got the idea that having me and Roxie race would be a good way to get Roxie off my back. I had no idea she was going to challenge Roxie until after the deal had been made, and by that point she said that if I didn’t race that she was going to ask Kai to, and I simply couldn’t allow that! I’m so much faster in the water though... naturally I won, and I even tried to go slow! I tried so hard! While I was horrified about how Roxie might retaliate, I must admit that it felt pretty good to beat her at something for once. Even the rest of the class was impressed, and they rather overwhelmed me with their support. And there’s where I went wrong. I stopped paying attention, and Roxie acted sooner than I’d thought she would. Nergui can’t swim, a fact that the class knew, and Roxie pushed her into the deep end of the pool, and no one noticed. I didn’t notice... Nergui nearly died. Conan came from out of nowhere though, and jumped into the pool to save her. I don’t know what was happening, because most of the students were blocking my view, but when Conan and the coach pulled her out of the pool, she was so limp, and they said she wasn’t breathing.
I was scared at first, but then I noticed that Roxie and her friends were the only ones who hadn’t gone to see what was happening. It was so obvious that they knew, and an entirely new feeling spread through me. Even just writing this is making me feel a bit of it again. I was so angry, I went over and demanded an answer. Roxie denied it, but the others still made their guilt clear. I.. my feelings got the better of me.. and I slapped Roxie’s face. I’ve never hit anyone before, but she had tried to kill Nergui over a race! I hear she got expelled from school, and her friends were suspended. Nergui had to go to the hospital, but she should be returning home soon.
I can’t help but to feel some guilt. Would Nergui have challenged Roxie if I wasn’t one of her targets? And I’m sure Roxie wouldn’t have put Nergui’s very life in jeopardy if I hadn’t won the race. And how did no one see her get pushed in? There were too many bodies around for me to sense it in the water, but still.. I was right there... I should have watched Roxie until the class was over... I tried to help Nergui learn to swim, so I know very well that she is the epitomy of the phrase "sinks like a rock." Nergui’s so lucky Conan was, well, doing whatever he was doing right then. Who knows how much longer she would have been underwater! Oh goodness.. what does Conan think?! He knows I was there! Is he wondering why I didn’t help Nergui when she was in trouble? Is he going to think less of me after this..? Mother says I worry too much, but how could someone possibly not worry when they’ve done something so tremendously careless?! I just- I- I can’t continue here. I will go sit in my pond and discuss this with my fish. Maybe their different perspectives will help me see this in a way that won’t cause me to stay home the rest of my life...
Linky! Pages 3-6
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Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:25 pm
~Entry 38~ Well, it looks like Branka has grown. She’s a canine, like Conan, but while his ears are upright like a wolf’s, hers are floppy like a Labrador’s. She also has a tail. She’s actually quite adorable. Unfortunately, her personality didn’t evolve with her physical form. She is still detached and quiet, and I’m still as uncomfortable around her now as I was before. I try to help mother with her, but it’s difficult to get her interested in anything. She’ll just sit there and look at me. I’m not certain she’s even seeing. She’s just looking, as far as mother or I can tell.
I’m hoping to get a reaction from her soon though. I’ve really taken to sewing as of late, so I decided I should make something for Branka as a personal sort of ‘welcome’ gift. The project is also giving me something to focus on aside from my current concerns. Branka has a love of fleece. Every sheet and blanket on her bed is fleece. So, I decided to use the fleece blanket that she laid on as a dew, and I’m going to turn it into a doll for her to snuggle and play with. It won’t be anything too complex, since I want her to be able to hug the whole thing. I remember when I was younger, I had a doll with a soft body but a plastic head and plastic limbs. I was always a little sad that it wasn’t either all plastic, so that I could take it into the water with me, or all stuffed cloth, so that I could sleep with it without worrying about it hurting me accidently. I’m hoping that getting this special made from me will help her realize that we’re here with her, and that we want to be a part of her life, and that we want her to be a part of ours. Of course I’ll tell her it’s from me, mother and Chadrick, even if Chadrick doesn’t help at all. Perhaps I can get him to contribute the stuffing? Then he’d at least have a small part in it.
I will do my best to help her feel like this is home, because it is!
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 3:30 am
~Entry 39~ I am very pleased with how the doll turned out. It’s simple, especially since I don’t know anything extra that I could put on it that Branka likes. She is such a mysterious little creature. However, I believe that she is as pleased as I was with the result as well. When I gave it to her, she didn’t seem to react. She gave it that blank look of hers, and held it in her hands for a nearly a minute, just staring at it. Then, oh goodness, then she stepped closer and gave me a hug! I nearly cried from the happiness I felt! I managed to keep my composure though, and simply hugged her back. Mother told me that Branka sleeps with the doll now. I’m just so glad she likes it.
In my quest to make that little doll, in addition to the top I’m planning to make for myself for when I grow, I’ve found that I actually have a knack for sewing. At least, I think I do. I suppose it's up to others to inform me of whether or not I'm actually good at it... It’s quite a lot of fun, watching a bunch of cloth and thread come together to create something that others will enjoy. I’m getting all sorts of interesting and creative ideas from sites that I’ve looked up on mother’s computer. They’re making me constantly change the design for my top. I hope I can settle on something before I grow! I can tell that my time is coming up. Not too soon, but it’s on the horizon, getting closer every day. I wonder what I’ll do when I grow... Oh dear. I’m afraid that’s a topic for another page. I’ll need time to think about that before writing. Growing up... Such an overwhelming thought!
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:53 pm
~Entry 40~ It looks like another dew has joined the family! A little dream named Ourania. So far she’s a sweet little thing. I like her very much already. Of course, Chadrick would prefer she be a boy, and Branka apparently couldn’t care less. Oh, those two... Poor Chadrick is having a rough time with how his bird died. I must say, I’d be quite traumatized as well if I saw our little sister eating one of my fish.... I helped him bury the poor bird, and then let him have some time to himself. He was already having a difficult time accepting Branka. Who knows if he’ll be able to at all now. I managed to find him later and we talked about it further. I’m hopeful that he’ll be able to at least tolerate her for the time being. He’s made a few decisions for himself, and one in particular has made me think as well.
Chadrick wants to get a job. Something so that he can have his own place once he’s old enough. I don’t think I’ll ever have my own place. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to live alone. Mother has the house completely set up for me, too, so I should stay here as long as I am able to. However, I feel like I should start contributing to the finances here. At least once I enter adulthood. I know the cost of upkeep for all my needs must be a burden on mother... She takes such good care of me. What kind of job could I get though? Chadrick suggested I work at this place called Sea World, but I believe he was just teasing me. It is something to think about though. For now, I have to focus on keeping Chadrick from doing anything silly.
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