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[Q]Sailor Dabih, Senshi of Velociraptors[Crit] Goto Page: [] [<] 1 2 3

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Guine

Crew

Lonely Explorer

PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 11:34 am


Hey Sweeny!

While I love love love the Velociraptors from Jurassic Park (you have no idea how much I love them...), I don't know if it'll be considered cosplay by using the atomically inaccurate movie version.

I know, I know... turkey-sized and looking like a mutated peacock isn't as fun as Jurassic Park badass-ness... I don't know if it'll count as a cosplay, so don't think you have to change it until you find out for sure! It's just something to think about. <33

Edit • Her attacks also have the potential to be... kinda really bloody. o___o; I haven't seen too many attacks that can injure like that, so I don't know if that should be something to consider or not.
PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 2:16 pm


You both actually make really good points.
I actually hadn't thought about that.
I'll get right on editing the things you see as rough.
Scaly peacocks FTW!

Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover


Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 3:13 pm


Everything has been addressed, I think!
That actually looks much better.
PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:54 am


here to crit <3

person

i think the track quality matches reeeally well with velociraptors. o v o

for her babysitting quality, i know that she loves kids and i get the point you're trying to make. but should she really be taking them anywhere the kids want? i mean doing what they want is fine, but having to drag them all around (little kids have the attention span of a duck xD) seems tiring, especially since she doesnt have very good endurance to begin with. it also seems a bit like she's spoiling the children. i think anyone who cares enough about children like her would realize that spoiling children is never a good thing? xD

as for her crazy smartness, i find it odd that she can pick things up in a snap, but doesnt want to apply herself. if she figures it out so quickly, wouldnt she just want to do it and get it done with? this whole trait also comes off as a bit ... mary-sue-ish? i dont know how else to explain that ...

for protective, is she the same way with material objects? and how is she protective. you say she puts herself in front of them, but what if its a problem like a friend is being mentally picked on because shes dating some mean girl's ex? what i mean to say is that not all problems are necessarily physical. (hope that makes sense)

as for loyal, is there anything that really angers her? i should think that you can only turn a cheek for so long...
and if her loyalty is gained so easily, how does she protect everyone? for example, two friends of hers are fighting. which would she protect since she is loyal to both?

for self harm, i would maybe change it to something more like self hatred? it sounds like shes not harming herself, but disliking herself for messing up. perhaps this could also evolve into a perfectionist habit?

herp derp doesnt make sense to me at all, unfortunately. if someone is smart and has quick wit, lips are more than capable. it takes five seconds to speak what you're thinking, so i cant imagine it being hard for her lips to "work." is it maybe because shes too nice to say the mean remarks? it also wouldnt make sense if she could pick things up quickly. if she is so smart and witty, i should think shed speak it loud and proud. i just dont think this trait matches.

and why is she jittery, irritable, etc when shes alone? you say above that she can either sit still or be walking and pacing. so why cant she sit still to do work? and why would being along make her so irritable? and when she is at home, doesnt she have parents/siblings/whatever you create around so that shes not necessarily alone? overall i think this trait just needs more description.

for the person, i really think you need to just write a bit more for each trait and describe more so that it clears up some of these discrepancies.

for the senshi, i think she's really well thought out, and i dont really see any problem with it. i like the imagery of the third attack especially c:

and dont take much of this especially hard. grain of salt sort of opinion xD <3

crit back?

chiickadee

Princess Hoarder


Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:59 am


I never take crits hard, love.
I love to get them, they give me a better chance when the time rolls around the enter Micah for a raffle.
xD
I'll get working on those rough patches ASAP!
I'll also try and crits, but this will be my first time.
-rolls up sleeves-
PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 11:34 am


Fixed!

Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover


litian

Spacey Kitten

20,750 Points
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  • Magical Girl 50
  • Invisibility 100
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 1:28 pm


Hiyas Sweenys, I like Micah as a character smile

I'm not that good at crits, ao I've just put down some things that came to mind reading through this:

Hobbies, quite nicely laid out. I like the fact that they give opportunities for interaction.

Out curiousity for the 'Jurassic Park' hobby, does part of Micah's learning/ research on dinosaurs lead to her heading to look at dinosaur bones in nearby museums etc. I'm thinking of of a musuem like London's Natural History musuem, where they have quite a few dinosaur bones here.

For the 'Pluzzler' virtue did you mean Puzzler?

For the 'Protective' virtue, how does Micah react if the friend expresses that they don't want her help - does it lead to overprotectiveness? What happens if the friend she's protecting is the one in the wrong?

Just curious as the way the protective and loyal virtues are written, there seems scope for there to be a flaw comprising traits of overprotectiveness & blind trust in those closest to her.

I can't really think of any crits for the senshi attacks so I'll leave it there, hope this helps a little
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 1:35 pm


I like the idea of her virtues becoming flaws, I'll definitely work on that.
I actually don't know if Destiny City even has a place for dinosaur bones.
If there is, then she'll definitely spend her time there!

Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover


Sweenys_Revenge

Dangerous Lover

PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2011 7:25 pm


More crits, yes?
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