|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 8:44 pm
Huang shifted again, his eyebrows drew together in confusion. He had not been taught these methods, His master had told him to listen to things but Huang never pay attention to that, because he had been to focused.
To focused on his loyalty to his brother, too focused on resentment to the Nobles, to focused on the stuff swirling on inside him. Huang choked on a bit of breath as he felt the emotions over come him and stared at Jianyu before his eye we're closed and he became all to aware of the things inside him shifting.
"I do not think..." Huang sighed as he tried to think of something else to say before huffing, and doing as the man said, his body tried to relax but was all aware to Jianyu's hand pressed against him, "I do not have a reason to be Calm." Huang said in expasration.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 10:57 pm
"I do not understand." Jianyu said, slightly confused. Beneath his palm, flat against Huang's chest, he could feel the younger man's heart beating rapidly, in quick succession. "What is there to be concerned about? No one is watching to create anxiety. There are no windows that look out over this sanctuary, so your privacy is assured. And it is just the two of us."
Looking out at the boy kneeling across from him, Jianyu frowned. There was something deeper in his countenance. Something that he could not seem to understand. His whole being was engulfed in some sort of heavy black cloud that twisted and curled through his veins, made him heavy with sorrow or pain, whatever it was that made him how he was now.
Jianyu moved his hand up to touch Huang's face, tilting the boy's chin up to meet his gaze and forcing him to open his eyes. There was something in those eyes...something that made Jianyu concerned and a little anxious.
"What...is the matter?" he asked quietly. "You seem...out of sorts, somehow."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue May 18, 2010 9:38 pm
Huang stiffened again, he knew Jianyu could feel his heart racing, and to be honest it was some of the man's thought. He was doing something to Huang that he wasn't sure was alright and messing with his system. Huang tried to clear his thoughts of Jianyu and focused on what the man said.
"It is not the privacy nor the anxiety of being watched that it is bothering me..." It is you...and my past that i have not yet dealt with, Huang didn't finish his sentence out loud and and pushed the man's hand off him, getting up to pace around. He was trying to keep his cool with the Man but since meeting Jianyu, his thoughts had been on him and not of his friend, the one he would've died instead off.
"It is a Past that i cannot forget." Huang turned to look at Jianyu and his eyes we're almost devoid of anything with emotion, "I am not filled with calm..." Huang waved his hand towards the interior that surrounded him, "I am filled with rage and grief, Jianyu and when i am here, i forget it and then i lose the reason that i have to be vengeful and angry." Huang stared at the grass now after his little outburst.
"Maybe i should leave, This was not a good idea then." Huang turned to leave.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue May 18, 2010 10:00 pm
Jianyu's brows contracted in confusion as Huang-Fu pushed him aside, standing up to pace from side to side. He could hear the frustration and the the raw pain that clenched around the younger boy's voice, and though he didn't know the reason for Huang's anger, he could feel it vibrating throughout the small enclosure, as tangible as a cloud. If he thought he could, Jianyu would have reached out to try and touch the raging emotions, but as it was he only touched Huang's wrist.
"Stop." Jianyu said, as he stood up, and his fingers slid around Huang's, gripping them tightly. "Wait."
The silence hung between them, heavy and choking. Jianyu took a deep breath, inhaling the scents of the dewey grass, the fresh, lush flowers, and the clean, crisp scent of Huang-Fu himself.
"I...do not try to pretend that I know what you are going through." Jianyu said quietly. "I am...sorry for what has happened in your life, though I do not know what it is. But what I do know is that holding onto anger...holding onto the rage and the pain and the frustration...it only serves to make you more convoluted inside. You are afraid to let go of your past because you feel that if you do, then whatever it is that you are trying to remember will be meaningless. Emotions are a dangerous game. They twist our focus, make us blind to the world at present."
Jianyu's voice grew softer as he stepped closer, his dark eyes serious as he let go of Huang's hand, moving to stand in front of him. "Do not let your vengeance be your reason for living."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue May 18, 2010 10:34 pm
Huang turned his eyes on Jianyu, hate burned through them but not for Jianyu himself. It was like something Jianyu said twisted deep in his heart, deep in his mind.
"Without this vengeance then i have nothing left. I was raised to feel nothing, to be nothing but a tool." Huang body now sagged with stress and to many emotions, he was drained mentally, emotionally and all that was left was his physical shell, "I had a friend, a brother almost who gave me something that my family never tried to give, and he was murdered. So what he gave me, he took back him to the other world and I am left with the grief of his loss and the anger of his murder." Huang stared off now and then back to the hand that held his wrist and up to the man who reminded him so much of his dead friend but not so much.
"How if i let go of this feeling that i have of him, will i still remain the person i am truly becoming? Will you have me return to the emotionless being my parents raised me to be." Huang flinched at his own words and pressed his hand to his temple, "It is not your fault Jianyu, you have the love of your family, and a contentful life. Do not blemish it with the likes of me." Huang said with torn feelings. It was not fair to Jianyu, to be burdened with Huang's instability, to be pressured by the boy into trying to explain something that Huang was to afraid and stubborn to understand.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue May 18, 2010 10:57 pm
Emotionless being. Jianyu flinched involuntarily at the phrase, feeling his cheeks redden. He knew he did not believe in showing much emotion, for that simply convoluted one's goals. But hearing it put so plainly, and in such a sharp tongue...it hurt unexpectedly. Standing here, in his sanctuary, his place of secret retreat, Jianyu looked at the younger boy standing in front of him. Huang-Fu's voice was raw with the anguish of his loss, deadened from years of suppressing his despair at losing someone so close to him, yet anger that he could have done nothing to save him. It was so obvious that Huang felt responsible, and for the first time in his life, Jianyu felt something other than a calm respect.
He felt useless. He did not know of the pain that Huang spoke, since he had not experienced it himself. But it cut through to his heart anyway. This boy, this boy he barely knew, save for a few conversations, was someone that seemed to melt Jianyu's heart no matter how hard he tried to maintain its cool facade. Reaching out, Jianyu placed his hands gently on either side of Huang's slender face.
"I am truly sorry...for what you have lost." he said quietly, and it seemed like the air had stilled around them. A small yellow petal from the changing leaves of a yew tree floated down and brushed against Jianyu's cheek. "Let me try and help you to feel again what it is like to live. I do not mean to try and make you...an 'emotionless being,' as you said. But I can at least be one thing."
A small smile touched at the corners of Jianyu's lips; barely there, beneath the calm mask he always wore, but it was there nonetheless.
"A friend." he said.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 9:13 pm
Huang saw the hurt flash in Jianyu's eyes and suddenly felt guilty, What was he saying? Jianyu had done nothing wrong, He didn't mean to hurt him, to say words to cause the man to pull from him. He could see the man was at a loss now and that didn't suit him either and it wasn't fair that Huang had caused it.
With the intention of leaving, Huang had turned from the first person that he had tried to reach out and tried to take a step out before Jianyu did something that made Huang falter in his step and he turned open mouthed at the man. Leaves that seemed to fall suspended in the air as Jianyu offered Huang the one thing he really needed.
"Jianyu..." Huang's voice was thick with emotion and he nodded to the man, He felt eyes burning with tears but sucked them up, He was a man still and had his pride and tried to return the smile to Jianyu, "Then your more than just a master of my Training, but a Master of my humanity." Huang held out his palm and closed it, before his face returned to his usually sober demeanor though it had the light of his new friendship, It would be tough, Would Jianyu try to show him something more than the rage that filled his entire being? What of all the Resentment towards the nobles, Would Jianyu show him how to control it, to use it even as a weapon instead of just a drive..
"Your not emotionless either Jianyu." Huang stared down at the grass, "I am sorry that i said such crass words, You are just...Calm? I do not experience that enough to understand it, I do not know people, I do not understand them."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 9:29 pm
"Master of my humanity." The phrase was heavy with meaning, the weight of it bearing down on Jianyu's shoulders as tangible as a stone. He did not quite know how to take that. Could he handle that much responsibility? Bear that much weight upon his back? He was not sure.
But he would not back down. Huang was placing an enormous amount of faith and trust in him, and Jianyu did not want to disappoint him, nor disappoint himself. It would not be easy, no. But he would do his best.
They both would. Jianyu let out a soft sigh, closing his eyes briefly, his hands still on either side of Huang's face.
"No, you are right." he said quietly. "I am...emotionless. I do not allow my feelings to get in the way of what I do."
Jianyu opened his eyes. The world around them was still and quiet, barely any noise but for the soft rippling of the miniature fountain in the pond and the quiet rustling of the leaves and petals that drifted down and caught in his long ponytail.
"Your rage...it will do you no good." Letting go of Huang's face, Jianyu backed away, walking a few paces in the opposite direction. He held out a gloved hand, letting the soft white petals pool in his palm.
"But your desire to honor your friend's life..." Jianyu said softly, his back to Huang. "That is good. I can teach you how, or at the very least...I can try."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 9:53 pm
Huang stared at Jianyu and heaved a huge sigh of relief. He had no clue that his words became such a burden on his new friend but it was something that was going to be a tribulation for the two of them. Huang thought of that now, By accepting Jianyu would that mean he was going to lose the memory of Yuan? No that wasn't possible because Yuan was part of Huang, a part that he now confirmed that Jianyu accepted.
"My master Kade would say that you are an excellent hunter than Jianyu, Because you are able to balance your emotions and duties." Huang studied the man even more, He was mature, and understood things that Huang didn't, He had mastered himself is what Huang would think.
He blushed now though as he realized how close Jianyu was before cocking his head, "Then what do I do with Rage? It is there, Beating in me, like the blood that beats through my heart?" Huang bowed his head in defeat already, His only companion since Yuan's death was his rage, to lose it to embrace a new one would change him, was he ready for change? "I live for honoring Yuan...What you teach me i will use and hone, I am ready for what comes Jianyu." Huang said seriously.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 10:31 pm
Jianyu let out a soft laugh turning back to face Huang before speaking.
"I appreciate the sentiment." he said, smiling gently. "But I am not a great hunter. At least not as great as I would like to be. It is...difficult to maintain what I have been balancing so precariously all these years. I have spent many years cultivating the kind of 'calm,' as you put it, that you see now."
Walking back over to Huang, Jianyu reached out, sliding his fingers through the younger boy's hair absentmindedly. He felt a strange sort of connection to the Lunarian; something he could not explain. Perhaps because they both had such determination, though for different goals. He felt an inexplicable sense of wanting to help him somehow; a new and strange sensation that both puzzled and worried Jianyu.
"You must learn to make your anger subside." he said. "Control it, not let it control you."
Letting his hand drop, Jianyu knelt down again, folding his hands into his lap. He looked up at Huang.
"Join me?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 10:50 pm
Huang cocked his head at Jianyu and let out a little chuckled of his own. Jianyu was a modest sort as his mother would say. Of course his mother always said that the modest, meek and shy we're the ones to be terrified off, in fact she was terrified everything but that was neither her nor there since she didn't know of Jianyu.
"Then its a essence of time that makes you what you are." Huang shrugged, his time had been wasted on training from a child to be emotionless, not calm nor angry...Just empty so he could perform his duties with nothing clouding them. And he instead developed something dark inside him and with the War as it was favoring, His power was weak compared to the others.
Huang squeaked when Jianyu came over running his hands through his hair and moved away with a large amount of red showing on his face, No one had ever touched him, not as much as Jianyu had and he was getting a little worked up over it. he stared at the man with suspicion now, What good did all this touching do besides working Huang up hmm? He stayed quiet as he nodded at Jianyu, moving to kneel across from him.
"Hard to do, pushing one's anger aside..." Huang mumbled before sitting down across from Jianyu, a little bit out of reach of the man's hands now, still suspicious of what his Friend was doing.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 19, 2010 11:00 pm
The startled squeak that came out of Huang-Fu's throat when he touched him made Jianyu frown slightly. His eyebrows drew together as he watched the younger man sit down in front of him; a considerable distance away.
"I...am sorry if I offended you somehow." Jianyu said in confusion. "I did not mean to do so."
He shifted awkwardly, then cleared his throat. "I'm not suggesting you push aside your anger." he said. "Rather I am suggesting that you substitute something in its place. What that is, I cannot know, but at the very least I can try to help you manage your feelings."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 11:26 am
Huang stared at Jianyu, How do you explain to the man that he didn't do anything wrong but did? Really awkwardly, Huang scowled now and looked away from Jianyu trying to think of a way to assure the man he didn't do anything wrong without letting him know that Huang was way to aware of him.
"You did not offend..." Huang shifted in his position and kept his gaze on the ground...or away from Jianyu, "Your fine, I am just not used to uh...your touching?" Huang finished lamely and in a very quiet mumble.
"Ah...I have never thought of substituting it?" Huang's face instantly brighten up finally looking at Jianyu with a sense of some kinda of eager child. Just as that came, so did his eyebrows drawing in confusion now, "I do not understand that then, So i must find something to replace it with, but i have nothing yet..." Huang frowned deep in thought.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 10:05 pm
Jianyu frowned.
"My 'touching?'" he said, absentmindedly twisting a strand of his dark hair. His fingers played with the multicolored beads that were strung through the brown locks. "I am...sorry. I am not...not one for subtlement, perhaps. I am used to being around my siblings, and I see I have quite forgotten that there are those who aren't as...used to...my 'touching..? as you so put it, as my siblings."
Jianyu ducked his head in a slight bow, feeling his cheeks heat. He had not meant to make the boy uncomfortable, but his siblings did not mind when he touched him. Nor did Bataar, though the Mongol in of himself was a whole different story. Apparently he had been too lax in his treatment of others, too relaxed around Huang-Fu, but there was something different about him that drew Jianyu in. He was not quite sure what it was, though, and it made him slightly unsettled somehow.
The right smile that crossed Huang's face momentarily was eager; clearly a desire to be rid of his more unsavory emotions. Jianyu folded his hands in his lap again.
"I cannot tell you what to replace your anger with." Jianyu said. "You must discover that for yourself. But I can try and guide you towards that understanding, though a series of training, both mental and physical."
"That is..." Jianyu added hesitantly. "...if you aren't too uncomfortable with me now..?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 10:52 pm
Huang felt the blush rise again to his cheeks, boy was his cheeks going to become permanently red or what? He tried to imagine what it would be like to have such a brother who was comfortable in touching and almost snorted. His older brothers did not pay attention to him nor his older sister who he barely even knew. In truth he had no clue about Lunarian contact. Was it right to touch people? Was Huang in the wrong for being uncomfortable with Jianyu's?
"I...I do not know why i am so embarrassed by your actions Jianyu, but it is not your fault." Huang said in a way to comfort his friend and assure him in the only way he could. Inching closer to Jianyu, he shook his head and reached out to pat the other man's hand in mimicking Jianyu's actions, "I am not...I just not used to this." Huang tried to explain but failed and sat quietly for a moment. How does one explain a blossoming love? When one does not know what love is?
"Ah so it is like a test for myself." Huang eyebrows drew together in thought, "Than i will be sure to pay attention to this Jianyu! Your first lesson was details to me, so i shall pay attention to the details of what we do and maybe i will discover something." Huang smiled this time fully now. It was rare and only one other person had been blessed with the boys smile as he stared at Jianyu.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
