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 Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 6:57 pm
Uri... have you heard the saying "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?"
e-e
Bhek - I'll look at your attacks and stuff in a second.
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 7:32 pm
Name: Explaing how things are pronounced in english is hard for me since I speak portuguese. I would rather say it to you if I could. xD
School: I'm still going to decide this, but defintely something related to motorcicles. Probably mechanical engineering.
Choppers - He only owns this particular bike, because he bought it. He can ride others from his father, but don't usually do it, and won't consider them his.
Ball games - no preference for the kind of game, just it's physics. The physics behind ball games involve impact, ricochet, elasticity, trajectory calculation; he loves the math and strategy behind it. I'll try to explain that in the profile.
Virtues:
Cunning - I noticed the same thing but wanted to hear it from someone else first. I'll work on that.
Flaws:
Devil-may-care - I'll explain it further. The characteristic of his personality that I will use to divre him into being a good senshi is loyalty. He doesn't put morals and ethics aside, he argues with laws and society solid concepts. The more intelligent the more someone questions their enviorment, I tried to picture that.
Casanova - I'll add aspects of intimacy problems with the other sex. This will probably make it a deeper flaw.
Sphere: I don't see it as strange because I'm used to the word. Maybe it's not used in the USA with the meaning I wanted. As in "to bound or spring back from force of impact."
This is merely a detail, but it struck me heavily for some reason. I'm discussing with someone poeple about the name and it's options before thinking about changing it.
ps. I never meant the dirty meaning of Money Shot, never knew it actually. I changed the name to Bull's Eye, I hope there's nothing perverted related to it...
EDIT:
@ LP: Don't worry, Lp, just ignore this things and they'll leave. <3
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 7:49 pm
Yeah, I understand what you meant by Rebound, it just sounds funny to me (there are other usages of rebound - normally when I hear the term I think of a rebound girlfriend).
Perhaps Bounce or Kinetics or Spheres or Orbs?
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Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 8:12 pm
Urimian WOW. 2 threads made and still no accepting! well, i don't mean to be man, but now i think it is better. Urimian, you have been warned against such disrespectful comments. As of today you are now Greylisted from the Application Subforum and will not receive critique or stamps from shop staff until 6/15/10. Please be more considerate of other people. This greylisting does NOT prevent you from posting in the shop, only from receiving stamps.
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Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 2:21 pm
OKAY JUST LIKE I PROMISED -
I saw you're having trouble describing how his name is pronounced - can I take a stab at guessing? Is the "R" a sort of soft R? English uses a hard R, but I seem to recall that Spanish and Portuguese use a softer, rolled sound. Like Antonio Banderas's accent? And is the æ pronounced like the "ai" in rain? Or is it more of a short a, an "ah" sound? Just trying to do some research and figure this out since it would be helpful to know. smile
Just out of silliness, how does he feel about pizza-flavored pringles? What about straight up tomato pringles? razz
The Choppers hobby is currently reading the tiniest bit sue, not in intention but in how you've worded it. I think that since his dad is a mechanic and Brass has been hanging around the shop since he was just a wee little tyke, it's reasonable for him to be a very good mechanic at the age of eighteen (and certainly some people are at that age), but saying he's the very best, but isn't allowed to be, and so has to work in secret? It's a bit overkill. Tone it back a bit. It's nice that you're realistic in saying that his responsibilities are limited, so really it's just that second paragraph that's confusing.
I don't entirely understand why he's scared of disappointing his father through his drawings? Work that reasoning a bit more and it should work, it makes sense for him to design bikes since he works with them so much.
I would like to know a bit about how he got into guitar in the first place.
It was very stupid, the guy tried to steal a lot of money from a pastry;
A pastry is a type of food. I think you mean a bakery. This whole thing seems flawed, though - he took the fall, and then got out of it because the cop was a pal of his dad's? How much money are we talking about, because depending what state you're in, anything over $250-$500 can be counted as a felony and usually results in jail time, and if the cop bailed him out he could lose his job on the basis of corruption. Long story short, this part of his backstory doesn't entirely work, or at the very least, goes against you saying he's not stupid. Whether or not he thought he was keeping his friend from a life of hard crime, taking possible jail time and a felony on your record for a crime you didn't do makes you a dope.
In general, the crimes you have him getting up to doesn't match the trouble he gets himself into. Look back over his profile and ask yourself if the punishment fits the crime. If the answer is no, or he's been kept out of more serious trouble by a combination of good luck and coincidence, then either reduce his crimes or increase the trouble he gets into. You seem to be aiming for juvenile delinquent but he's edging into petty gangster territory.
How old was his sister when she died? He was eight, but how much older than him was she?
she died from liver failure, leaving his father to raise him until today (who did an excellent job).
This does not jive with a kid who vandalizes, drinks, and steals. Graffiti and some partying can be compliant with him still being a good kid, but you seem to be hung up on this theft issue, which is generally considered to be a much more serious crime.
You've gone for very "cool" flaws, and don't have a weakness among them. Just going by what you have present, it seems like he is externally callous, or tries to be "the tough guy" and "the bad seed," but is reluctant to go all the way - this seems to carry through all of his flaws. He's bad, but not too bad. He's mean, but not too mean. I'm really not sure I understand what you're trying to do with "arrogant" at all, and it seems like most of it is already expressed through "wiseass" and "devil-may-care" - how would cutting "arrogant" in favor of something like "noncommittal" go?
By which, I mean, highlight on his reluctance to go all the way with things. He seems a bit indecisive and conflicted, like he wants to be bad but has a "pure heart." Play this up! It makes for good character development and internal struggle, the good kid who is trying to be bad to fit in? It seems almost like he himself is a good guy, but he runs with a bad crowd - this is backstory stuff, too. It would definitely help if you could type up some information on his family. You've given us some interesting snippets about his mother, father, and sister, but not a complete picture.
I'm actually really intrigued by your attacks, and can see how they relate to his ball games hobby. It would be neat if you filled in some of your senshi uniform info, though! I know you kind of want to give Natsu free reign but you must have some ideas, right?
Anyway, I'm generally better for character critique than senshi stuff, so this is sort of where I leave off. I think that with some editing you can make this work. Good luck!
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Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 11:22 pm
HI BHEK To start off, I'd like to say that I am by no means an expert when it comes to character building or the english language (I make mistakes all the time XDD), and would like to apologize in advance if I come across as crass at all during this thing. I DO NOT WANT TO BE CRASS. I do not do crits very often because I tend to be too wordy and blah blah blah. anyways. HOBBIES I couldn't think of anything to say here, in regards to the hobbies you already have list, that hasn't already been said. However, I think you need to add something in here detailing his 'delinquent' behaviour. Wreaking havoc, drinking, vandalizing, blah blah blah are all things that take up time. VIRTUES Quote: Cunning – Brass may act like a delinquent, but he’s very smart. He needs to be smart to get through the day without being arrested, as well as staying away from the wrong people, people worse them him. He has a thing for breaking the law, after all, they’re all a bunch of stupid laws written or accepted by old farts who can’t see past their noses. Brass is that smart card among the lost souls, the one you’ll never really understand why he is there to begin with. He’s neither a bad nor nice outlaw, he’s simply not stupid to get completely lost in this life, for that he keeps the group smart enough to avoid tapping at worse endeavors then some mild vandalism, drinking, stealing, the list goes on. He’s like a caring, but severe, older brother of the bandits, making sure that none of them becomes too full of himself and do something that affects them all (if he wants to go down alone so be it). Saying it like that makes him sound like a complete delinquent, but he’s just about half. He goes to school like every other guy his age, uses his intelligence to get grades high enough to pass without any real effort, treats everyone well, he’s really not the common thug. There are some run-on sentences and other small grammatical errors in here. Also, the spacing between paragraphs is a little awkward to read. I get the vibe from this virtue that Brass is arrogant and a bit of a know-it-all, which is good! It is a wonderful thing to play up, and I think it might be a good idea to elaborate a little more on that here (which would tie nicely into his Arrogant flaw. Honestly, there are two sides to every virtue (and, of course, every flaw). I personally really enjoy seeing the negative aspects depicted along with the positive, instead of seperate. I think this is what makes a well-rounded character. Quote: Perceptive – Listening to what people don’t say is important to brass, natural actually. He instinctively tries to read their body language, understand their real motives, and see behind layers of lies and acts. People hide themselves all the time, even among family and friends, though he is capable of listening to what they are screaming so loud behind fake smiles and cheerful behavior. He’s very good at digging this details with a simple and apparently harmless conversation. He’s not a mind reader though, he’s just trying to read signs, form behavior patterns inside his head and notice the smallest details of one’s composure. On the other hand, every once in a while, he finds some rivals worthy of respect. They can be as good at hiding as he is at finding, making it an exciting game of hide and seek. He is even attracted to women capable of playing this well, acting with expertise and making him work for the details of their personalities. This is almost a hobby; it would be if there were more people capable of hiding their feelings so well as this rare bunch is. There are some run-on sentences and other small grammatical errors (some look more like typos, actually) in here. Considering the way it is written, it contrasts rather sharply with his Arrogant flaw. It also sounds like you tried to clarify this. It seems to me like an arrogant, but nevertheless observant, boy would often (not necessarily always!) come to the wrong conclusion when making assumptions. I have this hilarious image of him mistaking some hapless woman's attention for flirtation, and then getting turned down. This is a wonderful thing to play up, and would make RP with him fun. It also goes back to what I said earlier about tying virtues and flaws together, and depicting both the dark and the light side of each. Quote: Loyal – It’s hard to tell right away if it is out of some sense of chivalry or something thought by his family and friends, but Brass is extremely loyal. Not the “best buddy” kind of loyal, if you manage to gain his trust and loyalty you can be pretty sure that his kidneys are yours if you end up needing them (God forbid it). This is a very serious subject to him and he won’t take any insults that hurt this particular trait of his personality, going as far as fisting fighting with anyone that doubt the strength of this values. This trait is better understood in actions, not words, so it’s hard to explain the extent of his loyalty by simply describing it; there were several moments of his life where he showed it. One of the most important was the time he took the blame for a crime that a lifelong friend committed. It was very stupid, the guy tried to steal a lot of money from a pastry; something Brass told him many times not to, but he did it anyway. Brass took the blame because this friend lived with his mother, a nice old lady, and she was a very sick woman. The only person who was there to take care of her was that stupid boy; Brass couldn’t see a family breaking apart, especially because he could only predict his friend diving into heavy crimes if his mother died while he was in prison. Long story short, Brass managed to avoid prison because the cop who took him was a family friend and he, despite Brass’s long list of small crimes, knew he would never be capable of something like that. He bailed him after joining Brass’s father for a severe lecture. There are some run-on sentences and other small grammatical errors in here. I've bolded a section because I do not understand what you are trying to say. Something thought by his family and friends? What does that mean, exactly? Do his family and friends perceive him to be loyal? Does he feel pressured to stick with them no matter what the cost, simply because they expect it of him? Also, I honestly do not like the little anecdote you've created for him here. I do not think it explained his loyalty any better than a couple of well-chosen words could have, and it comes across as a fairy-tale. He took the fall for a friend, and almost landed in jail, but escaped with a slap on the wrist and a 'severe' lecture because the cop, who also happened to be familiar with Brass's previous crimes, was a family friend? I am not an expert on this sort of thing, but it sounds pretty unrealistic to me, and that's on top of making Brass sound like a hero whose above the law. It is okay for him to think this is the truth, but not accurate. I would have sooner loved to see him spend some time in jail, or at least been sentenced to community service. These are wonderful things that you could play with. Don't be afraid to punish your character. Things like this are what help them grow as believable people. Quote: Optimist – Thinking positively is a conscious choice for Brass, simply because he prefers to enjoy what life has to offer. This way of thinking kept him sane through the worst hardships in his life, such as his sister’s and mother’s death (ask him about this at your own risk), and keeps a smile on his face on the worst days of the week. His optimism is a b*****d child of need and lack of alternative, he wasn’t always so adamant about seeing the glass half full. Brass had a though childhood, even with such a loving father to take care of him. Very early, he lost his sister to depression; she committed suicide when he was only eight years old. That was harder to understand then simply a font of sadness, he was too young to see why his sister had to leave him, ‘is it my fault?’ he used to think profusely. His parents were never the same after that and he felt heavily the difference. His mother ended up becoming very sick and, at his 14th birthday, she died from liver failure, leaving his father to raise him until today (who did an excellent job). Without knowing his background, different people take his optimism differently. For some it may be captivating, possessing them with the same joy that fills his words; others may find it extremely irritating, seeing it as delusional, dumb or even insincere. Brass notices how everyone reacts to his manners and is aware that there are different ways of interpreting people, so he considers it nothing but natural. They can think whatever they want, by the end of the day he’s the one smiling. There are some run-on sentences and other small grammatical errors in here. SO. OKAY. I really, really like this virtue. It is my favourite of the four you have listed here, because it paints the clearest picture of Brass for me. However, I don't think 'Optimist' is the best title. Something like 'Cynically Optimistic' suits it better, I think. Two things: a) You say that his father did an excellent job of raising him. Yet Brass is a delinquent. Brass is constantly (or, almost constantly) in trouble with the law. I suppose that criminal behaviour is not always founded on whether or not somebody had a good father, but it seems to me that a man whose lost both his daughter and his wife would have had some issues of his own to deal with. Maybe he did the best that he could for Brass, and loved him very much, but was unintentionally neglectful? What, precisely, is his relationship with his father? Did the deaths of their loved ones bind father and son together, or tear them apart? Do they blame each other? Do they fight? Do they hug? b) This isn't so much a crit as a thoughtful suggestion. Just- if or when you deal with the issue of his sister and her suicide, be thoughtful and sensitive about it. It sounds like you've already taken this into consideration, and don't need me to tell you so, but I wanted to mention it all the same. Death of a loved one is a good tool to use in character development. Just be smart about it. FLAWS Quote: Wiseass – Brass’s intelligence and perception make him act like a complete jerk sometimes, irritating even his friends if he’s having an especially moronic day. It’s all with the purpose of having fun but, even though he is capable of perceiving it beforehand, he usually goes a little too far, especially if people are laughing. When he’s having fun with this he tends to ignore his instincts and get carried away with all the laughing and mocking, making it a nice opportunity to catch him unaware of his surroundings. He’s not cruel though, usually knowing when to stop before it gets ugly or how to apologize if he lost control at a certain point. Crying is the fastest way to burst his bubble and completely change his attitude, though he will usually notice something is wrong if it’s fake, even if he don’t say it right away. He keeps playing along to see where it goes. He understands that not everyone will notice it and explaining things at such a scenario is impossible, it would aggravate the situation. Later he will keep an eye at that person and try figuring his/her behavior. There are some run-on sentences and other small grammatical errors in here. This is a cool flaw. I like it quite a bit, and I think it adds flavour to his character. I get the vibe from this that he is an attention whore, and a button-pusher. HOWEVER, I would like it better if, considering this tying into his 'Arrogant' flaw and 'Perceptive' virtue, he was sometimes accidentally cruel. It sounds like he gets caught up in himself a lot, and while arrogant people can certainly be observant, this doesn't flow right with the picture you're painting of him for me. He sounds to me like a boy who believes himself capable of reading people, but is often wrong. Quote: Devil-may-care – Why not? Seriously, why should he follow everything people say and still be hated even if he tries to be nice? Brass grew tired of being the nice guy very early in his life, developing his own set of morals and rules that he follows adamantly. He knows he lives in society, survive because of its commodities and answer to the law if he does something too bad, he is smart enough not to ignore that. Abiding to these rules is for the sake of his freedom, other than the very basic, he doesn’t give a rat’s a**. However, being reckless runs deeper than not caring for stupid rules. It served as a valve to blow off the steam from losing his sister, having apathetic parents for years and, later on, also losing his mother. Back when this behavior started, he would get in trouble time after time before becoming street wise. However, even back then, he always knew what was okay and what was too much. Brass’s father tried many times to end his son’s doing’s, but with time he started trusting that the boy was smart enough to stay away of trouble. Obviously, he never doubted Brass’s pure heart. There are some run-on sentences and other small grammatical errors in here. This does not fit well with what you said in his 'Wiseass' flaw about him not being cruel. If Brass is tired of being the nice guy, why isn't he cruel? If Brass doesn't give a rat's a**, why did he take the wrap for his friend in his 'Loyal' virtue? Actually, this flaw contrasts painfully with his Loyal virtue. Maybe its just me, but I think people with loyal inclinations probably care very much. Also, here you say that his parents were apathetic. In his 'Optimist' virtue you say that his father did a good job of raising him. These do not add up. Also, 'never doubted Brass's pure heart' my a**. If Brass's father was apathetic, isn't it more likely that he just didn't care? Quote: Arrogant – He will look at you and pity your soul for being tame. He will give you the opportunity to repent and prove that you’re worthy of his respect. Unless you do that you will be, for the rest of your life, frowned upon!! Okay, not so much, he’s not that cruel, c’mon. He can be a little cocky, yes, frown upon you if you act like a complete push-over, but he’s usually perceptive enough to know why you do it. There are so many ways of proving value other then standing up for yourself and being stubborn (sometimes that’s even pitiful). However, the biggest problem about this flaw is its power to become a strong weakness, maybe his greatest. It can completely hinder his power of perception by assuming things. One should never assume anything when reading people, ever; it is a quick way to be completely fooled by someone wise at hiding their intentions. More than once Brass found himself tricked by a smart woman, who also had the advantage of being female… There are some run-on sentences and other small grammatical errors in here. I don't like this flaw. Well, okay, that's not true. I don't like the way that you've worded it. 'He will look at you and pity your soul for being tame.' This does not fit with a character who is not cruel. It doesn't fit with a character that is bad, but not too bad (or should I say good, but not too good?). Apparently, Brass knows just how far to go before getting in too deep. This does not make him wild. It makes him a coward, but an undeniably clever one. The redeeming quality of this flaw is the way you've made it a weakness. I like very much the idea that it can blind him to the truth, and lead him to make misguided assumptions. HOWEVER, I think you need to decide if you want him to actually BE perceptive (as in, accurate) or just plain old presumptuous. I think presumptuous would be more fun. Maybe he thinks he's perceptive, usually gets things wrong, but also sometimes manages to get it right- maybe sometimes he hits the nail smack on the head and that's when he's cruel. Because he got carried away. Quote: Casanova – The ladies, he loves them. How can you blame him? His passion for the female being is nothing but pure and full of honesty. He admires them, desires them, every single one of them. Girls usually know that he’s no good, but it's like chocolate, you know it’s not good for you, but you can’t avoid having a taste. He’s not the usual cheesy guy with the same old pick up lines and fake attitude. He’s the real deal, a woman connoisseur. The ability to capture the most subtle of gestural signs obviously plays an essential role here; women are masters of the body language, of the gentle signs of interest or loathing, therefore they are the one thing that draws Brass curiosity and awe the most. As brass sees it, they are living works of art, in every little aspect, and he’s curious to know those very details that they hide so well under layers of sweet sin. He knows this part of him steams a lot of hate among the decent female community, but without this pricks life would be a lot less fun, wouldn’t it? Besides, they keep the cheap girls away from your prince charming, that’s better than community service. There are some run-on sentences and other small grammatical errors in here. I don't like this flaw. At all. It relies too much on the perception of him by other characters, and actually says very little about him as a person. With the way you've written it, it sounds more like a hobby than a personality trait. Change it to something like 'suave' or 'charming.' Also, it doesn't sound like a flaw at all. It is a problem for the ladies he abuses, but it doesn't sound like it causes him many problems. It needs to be recycled. I do, however, get the vibe from this that he is an inconsiderate user; manipulative, sneaky, etc. Play that up. You called him a p***k, so MAKE him a p***k. Don't try and cover up the smell of skunk with roses. It stinks even worse. ATTACKS I suck at this part. I do not know what to say that hasn't already been said. OVERALL I think you have the beginnings of a pretty interesting character here. However, the image of Brass your words have etched into my brain is a little fuzzy. There are aspects of his personality that clash and make it difficult to see him with clarity. All of his flaws, like Silv has already said, are really cool. This is a bad thing, and makes me sad. Flaws are my favourite part of every character. Therein lies the key to a person's deepest, darkest insecurities and desires. Sometimes, the dirtier and nastier the flaws are, the more engaging a character is. This does not always apply, but is true in many circumstances. Don't be afraid to give him a trait that is unlikeable.
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Posted: Tue May 18, 2010 11:37 am
Thanks, Silent Spy, Silverah and Gee! <3
I did a huge overhaul on Brass with everything that you guys said.
First, I changed his set of virtues and flaws to:
Optimistic - Cynical
Cunning - Wiseass
Self-supporting - Anarchical Tendencies
Charming - Manipulative
Tried my best at making each of them two sides of four personality traits.
I intended to make the character a little more serious and cut things that sounded ridiculous as much as I could. Maybe going as far as being prolix, but it was for the sake of depth.
The image I tried to create for him is of a young man going through the end of his teenage life, which had two devastating events in his life. He tries to deal with them, instead of diving into constant angst. Though dealing with it isn’t as easy as it sounds, and he ends up losing faith in authority, using it as an excuse to outlet a lifetime of frustration.
He doesn't enter the world of crime for two reasons. He says that it's because he's smart enough not to, and there's some truth to that, but the real reason is the fear of being isolated again. A big part of him likes people's attention and being part of a community, even if he disrespects them with rebellious behavior and manipulative ways.
This is just a resume of who I want him to be, you can find the rest at the profile.
Now, for grammar, I do need help. I probably said before, but it isn't my first language.
I'll ask someone to check the profile. I check it over and over, though there are things that I cannot fix. Mostly expressions that I use in portuguese and translate to english without noticing.
And finally, for his name. Lemme try and describe it with parts from other english words. xD
Braesi Hólmsteinn
Brae uses a soft "r" as silverah mentioned. The "ae" sounds like the "a" from "cat" or "bat".The "si" sounds like "zi" from "zinc".
Hólmsteinn. The "Hó" sounds like "ho" from "hog". Hólms sounds like 'Holmes' from Sherlock Holmes, though with the strong "hó" and silent "e".
Steinn sounds exactly the same as "stein" from "Frankenstein" of "Einstein".
I hope that was clear enough. xD
ps. I'll finish your headshots this week. I needed time to rebuild the profile and had some RL responbilities to resolve, sorry for the delay. >.<"
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Posted: Thu May 20, 2010 4:19 pm
Sin has a crit for you. <3 Part A:
Hobbies:
Choppers – Brass has a thing for customizing motorcycles. He learned the art from his dad since he was old enough to hold his father’s tools above his head and give them when asked.
He can often be found at his father’s workshop, helping with building commissioned and show bikes, but isn’t responsible for much. His father keeps saying he’s too young and should be studying instead of working there, though that doesn’t keep Brass from helping; his father is usually too busy to take notice anyway.
Brass may not work as a proper mechanic, but from years of observation and some teaching here and there from the guys that work there, he ended up gathering some useful knowledge of the basics. Good enough to fix the most common problems and put together finished parts, to help them reach the deadline. He sometimes tinkers with mechanisms that are more complex, but ends up ruining a week of work and a perfectly good part. He has an above average knowledge of basic mechanics, but far from being enough to make a bike from scratch. For that very reason, he chose mechanical engineering at Sovereign Heights.
Besides working with them, Brass loves riding a good bike, custom or not. Surprisingly his favorite ride is a red 1969 Vespa Rally 180. This loyal steed never failed him at any hardship and witnessed a good part of his teenage life. He has the option to ride some of his father’s bikes, but chooses otherwise. That Vespa is all that he needs and all that he wants.
Sin’s note: Just a couple grammar things is all up here; the bolded bits. “He learned the trade from his dad since he was old enough to hand over the correct tool when asked.” “ruining a week’s worth of work”. The hobby works and I see it tell right off a good bit about him and his wants in life with his tinkering with parts behind their backs. Do they find out he did it when he's messed up a part? Just a curious question.
Ball games – Brass considers himself a collector of ball games. He loves playing any game that involves a ball, but does have some preferences. His favorites are dodgeball, ping pong, baseball and handball, but the ones he likes the most is Kings, also known as Chinese Handball.
He’s not picky though, he can play from tennis to billiards, even pinball, everything that involves the physics of ball games (calculating trajectory, angle of ricochets, etc). Obviously not including American football (that’s not a ball, it’s an ellipsoid…), he was never fond of it. There’s something about ellipsoids not being true balls that makes Brass a little uncomfortable (just like tomatoes aren’t proper fruits). It’s just a small quirk though.
This hobby started when he was little, with his childhood friends playing Kings when it was the popular game of the neighborhood; the kinds then suddenly stopped playing it, making Brass practice it alone and search for other games that people were playing. When he became a teenager, his friends started playing Kings again, giving Brass the nickname “King of Kings” due to his continued practice and reputation of being unbeatable (That’s not true, tough. He lost once, but it was to a girl, so he isn’t prone to mentioning it).
Sin’s note: I’d think of another word there. Collecting ball games is an odd way to say it. Maybe he can consider himself to be an expert at ball games, a champion? This is his personal opinion of the “title” so it can be a high-ranking word there without being considered sue-like. Second bold- I think you meant “kids” here? Is Kings the only ballgame he's the "king" at? He's lost at other ball games, yes? Otherwise it could tend to be a little on the sue-side, unable to be beaten at any game that involves a ball.
Guitar – The guitar is an excellent instrument. It is simple, tasteful and sounds much better than the recent pop songs. That’s how Brass feels about his own guitar. It’s like a dog, always there no matter who you are, what you say or do, it is there for you and it’s not leaving.
He shares his deepest joys and grieves with his guitar; playing alone at a silent balcony, a deserted playground, anywhere where no one is bothering and society gives him a sweet break of its fast-paced life.
He started playing it after finding his sister’s old guitar in the attic. His father tried to take the instrument away (his mother wasn’t alive at that time), but he kept getting the guitar back and practicing it. It brings the best memories of his sister, even his mother who also played.
His favorite songs are blues, classic rock and Spanish, but he finds it amusing to turn pop songs into melodious acoustic pieces. They are nice to play for his friends and make them laugh a little.
No note here. :3
Sketching – As part of his habit of imagining bikes, Brass ended up learning how to draw them when he was younger. He’s more comfortable with the geometric designs because of that, and is still horrible at drawing anything else. He doesn’t really feel like drawing anything else, though.
He keeps his designs in a couple of moleskins under his bed, with a red n°2 pencil completely bitten. They aren’t a secret; he showed them to some of the mechanics at the office, who he knew for the longest time. He never showed it to his father.
The reason behind it is partially because his father often says that he wants Brass to work at something better, the other is a distance between them. There’s something between Brass and his father that keeps them from being closer to each other, so he feels more comfortable showing the drawings to the mechanics than his own father.
Sin’s notes: You’ve given a bit of reason for why he won’t show his sketchpads to his father like other critiques have asked, but perhaps a little bit more. Is he self-conscious that his father would not like them? Is he worried that his father would not return them to him, or even destroy them, as unfounded as the fear might be?
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Posted: Thu May 20, 2010 4:51 pm
Virtues:
Optimistic – Thinking positively is a conscious choice for Brass, simply because he prefers to enjoy what life has to offer. This way of thinking kept him sane through the worst hardships in his life, such as his sister’s and mother’s death, and keeps a smile on his face on the worst days of the week.
His optimism is a b*****d child of need and lack of alternative, he wasn’t always so adamant about seeing the glass half full. Brass had a though childhood. Very early, he lost his sister to depression; she committed suicide when he was only eight years old (she was 15). That was harder to understand then simply a font of sadness; he was too young to see why his sister had to leave him. ‘Is it my fault?’ he used to think profusely. His parents were never the same after that and he felt heavily the difference. His mother ended up becoming very sick and, at his 14th birthday, she died from liver failure, leaving his father to raise him until today.
The old man tried, he really seemed to, but couldn’t help being affect for those deaths as much as Brass. To each other, they are living memories of a past they would rather forget.
Without knowing his background, different people take his optimism differently. For some it may be captivating, possessing them with the same joy that fills his words; others may find it extremely irritating, seeing it as delusional, dumb or insincere. Brass notices how everyone reacts to his manners and is aware that there are different ways of interpreting people, so he considers it nothing but natural. They can think whatever they want, by the end of the day he’s the one smiling.
Sin’s notes: First bold. Just a quick word-swap. Tough is what you mean. (I bump the h key a lot myself there, easy typo.) Second bold- front I think is the word meant here? Third bold, just swap these two words around. Fourth- “he really did, but he was effected by the deaths as much as Brass.” The flip-side you added here can slightly detract from this being a virtue, but not too much I don't think. He knows his optimism can irritate people, but just takes it to be natural?
Cunning – Brass was born with a good amount of intelligence, enough to help him get through the earliest years of his life. Even so it wasn’t without mistakes and scars to show it, both physically and emotionally.
His cunning was created and honed by dealing with people’s reactions to what happened with his family over the years. Nosy neighbors making horrid statements about his families and his own mental state, cruel kids bullying his a** off for being the weirdo with a dysfunctional home.
They all played a part into making Brass what he is today. When remembering, he sometimes sees himself thanking all of them for the stern exercise of his intellect, always with a soft smirk of superiority in his face.
He uses and abuses his cunning to get off situations that he puts himself into out of sheer disrespect for authority and a little bit of adolescent boredom. He is not some kind of flawless genius, even if he considers him so. His behavior often leads him into deeper s**t then he intended; situations where your intelligence won’t get you anywhere safe.
He got arrested a couple of times and was sentenced to do community service more than once for vandalism, graffiti, and, most commonly, disorderly conduct. He grew accustomed to it, while his father was always too far to take real notice. All that his father tried and still tries to do is a fake scolding, apparently trying to hold his title of cornerstone of the family.
Brass’s father was the first authority figure that lost his faith.
Sin’s notes: Bold number one: “show for it” would read a bit better here. At first read, this comes off as more of a flaw. But as I read it a second time, I can see the Virtue aspects to it, a bit. I would reword it just a bit though. Right now it does lean more towards the Flaw zone in its double-edged sword. Where you have “He uses and abuses his cunning” is the first flag that makes this sound like a flaw to me. While his cunning can get him out of trouble, he also digs deeper and uses it in the wrong way, also a Flaw flag. Perhaps you should stick more with mentioning how his cunning helps him get through more every-day situations or weaseling his way out of a situation without a fight. Avoid mentioning the law and authority figures and keep it between himself and his peers. Would he rather fight his way out against someone bigger, stronger, and who doesn’t like him (like the bullying mentioned earlier in this virtue) or would he use his cunning to get out without his rear end handed to him?
Self-supporting – Practically without parents, Brass ended up taking care of himself and sometimes of them too, when his mother was still alive. This early encounter with the hardships of independent strife taught him how to pay the bills, how to cook, clean and do whatever he needed to do to get on with his life.
After his mother was gone, his father became more independent and they slowly grew apart from each other, never needing to exchange more than a few words every now and then. It’s hard for Brass to notice, but they live like two roommates that can’t look at each other.
The best part of being independent is that you answer to no one, at least that’s how he sees it. Giving people satisfaction is incredibly frustrating for Brass and he’ll find a way to either get things done by himself (as for school projects) or think of something wise enough to fool whoever is asking, giving him time to escape from being assigned tasks by tyrannical school girls. Obviously, control freaks are his worst nightmare, also being the closest one could be of turning into his immediate enemies.
Sin's notes: drop the "of" here, I don't think it's needed grammatically. However I could be wrong. Self-supporting reads more like a virtue than Cunning, but the last bit in there wants to take it down the Flaw path a bit. I can understand the "Giving people satisfaction is frustrating" for him but you might want to just save this whole section for the Flaws.
Charming – Dealing with people who loathed you for no apparent reason, instead of turning Brass into a complete anti-social, made him look for a better way of getting to their good side. There was a way to make them like him through the use of his intelligence and he found it.
He learned how to say the right things to the right people, massage their ego’s soft spot. Politeness, speech, compliments, semblance, it all plays a part in being cared for and gaining from strangers the attention he never had.
He doesn’t act as an erudite prince charming, just a simple guy with a way with words. This is very useful when dealing with those who know or recently discovered his reputation of ignoring authority, as well as occasionally infringing the law.
Part of Brass enjoys building an aura of the romantic outlaw and charm is essential for that. Some books, comics and tv shows when he was young, with the anti-hero with a personal moral code, made him idealize that type of person as the perfect hero. Having an aloof father figure, he had to look up to someone, something, and these characters played their part very well.
Brass sees himself a romantic outlaw, it’s one of his prides in life. It’s a way of fooling himself into believing in a world of fantasy, escaping to a novel where he’s the leading character and his values are unbreakable. It’s far from the true and he knows it, he’s not dumb, but he’s happy with that illusion. It is very entertaining.
Sin's notes: I like this virtue. Here is where we get a bit besides the "I don't like authority figures" vibe he's been carrying. Attract more flies with honey I believe is the saying. Envisioning himself as the romantic outlaw, the anti-hero, has an interesting spin on it. With this image he likes to hold, how does he see himself as a senshi? Will he use the Charming outlaw to his advantage with the senshi duties or will that change his outlook just a bit?
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 10:24 am
Thank you for the careful and detailed critique, Sin!
I ended up giving him flaws even at the virtues, when trying to make him more realistic and somewhat dark. I love anti-heros. xD
I fixed the grammar where you pointed out and tried to avoid making new mistakes as I wrote new information and cut older.
At hobbies I added information where it was necessary, explaining some behaviors better, fixing others. Also, I made him an enthusiast of ball games; much better then collector. xD
I refrased optimistic, to better express it. Tried to give give cunning a slight different look, showing the day-to-day use of that virtue.
Discovered a finer way to depict the self-supporting virtue, making him a bit more mature and at some level self-tought.
That's basicaly it. You can see the results at the front page.
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Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 12:25 am
I really enjoy the fact that he has basic knowledge/know-how when it comes to fixing and repairing motorcycles, and that he used to "accidentally" make problems worse when working with the more complex things. On that note, though, I suggest you drop the "unbeatable" aspect from his "Ball Games" hobby. He can be good, but not unbeatable good -- losing can be fun, too! You can say that he is exceptionally good amongst his friends because he continued to play/practice it for several years, but being good to the point of being unbeatable is too much for me. Difficult to beat I can buy, though.
His flaws and virtues look good to me -- Bræsi strikes me as a fellow who puts himself first. I caution against having "Manipulative" as a flaw, however. Manipulation requires a lot of OOC participation and pre-planning in order to successfully pull it off. Added to that, if he acts charming and likeable but monologues about how much he dislikes someone, that can get old and tiring pretty quickly.
Have you considered how he will relate to other characters? Or envisioned what sort of regular RPs you can picture him getting into? You might want to step back and pretend Bræsi is owned by someone else. What sort of RP would you offer the player? How would your character relate to him? I'm worried that Bræsi might be too self-centered and unrelatable to create any long-lasting relationships/friends in-character.
For his senshi attack "Bulls' eye!," does the first "layer" of his power contain enough force to knock someone back? Say someone is hit with the attack, and it bounces off of them. Would the force of the ball bouncing into them before bouncing off of them be enough to make them take a step backwards?
The eternal attack is too similar to 'Bull's Eye!'. It strikes me as being an upgrade of it, rather than being an entirely new attack. Some suggestions:
+ Sailor Galahad could create a shield around himself that causes enemy attacks to rebound/bounce off of it.
+ Sailor Galahad could use his power to make other senshi attacks rebound.
+ Another player is surrounded by energy that makes them rebound. Someone tries to take a step? Their foot is bounced off the ground, sending them off-balance. When they hit the ground, they bounce again and continue to bounce around until the effect wears off.
+ Similar to the above, but it could be Galahad himself who is afflicted with this.
+ A combination of the above: Galahad creates a shield around himself that makes everything rebound off of him.
You're very close! Keep at it! :3
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Posted: Sun May 30, 2010 7:31 pm
Thank you for the ciritique, Marushii. I'll get to it, I promise, though I have a important test coming up at July 13, so I need to enter a quick hiatus untill that day.
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Posted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:11 am
Your character's traits have a lot of his history written into them. While it's really good that you've thought about how Brass became the person he is, I would suggest taking the history parts out and putting in a separate post for the sake of readability and simplicity. Other characters aren't going to know Brass's history or really interact with it, and the point of a profile like this is to show how he might affect other characters.
Cynicism: This seems like a REALLY internalized trait -- is it just going to show up in his thoughts, or will it show in a way that other characters can observe? A character trait needs to be observable in some way in order to count, so you need to demonstrate how it will directly affect others.
Manipulative: I recommend against having this as a flaw / trait: as Maru said above it takes a lot of planning and consent for it to work. Along with this, it makes your character overpowered -- he can "win" the social environment through manipulation -- and Manipulative is also a Cool Flaw people should avoid, it's something that's 'bad' but does NOT reflect on your character badly. A flaw is typically a drawback your character has, not an advantage. You already have what you can accomplish with a 'manipulative' character through his Cunning and Charming traits; just keep in mind that it's not going to work on everybody.
Anarchical Tendencies: just for clarification, he hates being controlled by people and prefers going on and doing his own thing, right? Would this mean he's generally bad at working with partners, groups, etc?
Overall, he seems a bit too much like a chessmaster / puppetmaster socially -- he's nice to all the right people and mean to people for the sake of his own personal gain and amusement, he can tell when someone is trying to pull one over on him, he knows which rules he should be following and which ones he can get away with breaking without getting in trouble with the authorities. In other words, in the personality department this guy is way overpowered. His actions never really backfire on him, and even when he's making other people upset he's still always the "winner." This is not going to be very fun for other people to play against! D: If you have an instant messenger program I can give you more help on there, if not we can work it out in this thread.
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Posted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:48 am
I can see what your saying, it really stands out as if he would have control over the social aspect of the RP. I don't want that at all, such a character would be extremelly annoying for me and the other players.
What I tried to convey was the he's an act when relating to "random" people, because of past, life changing situations. That made him artificially warm when socializing, which people can always percieve one way or the other. Even if he tries a lot to hide it, he's not a sociopath, so people notice how he's never too deep and he doesn't usually let you inside.
Saying like this I can see how "manipulative" can be useless when his other traits come to play, besides the fact of it being overpowered and a cool flaw. I'll change it to something else that fits him better and gives that flawed human aspect to his personality.
About Cynicism, I'll rewrite it in a way that shows better how it plays outside, rather then inside his mind. How others perceive it. You're completely write about the profile being about how he relates rather then telling his story. After all, I'm here to write a story with other players, not impose mine. ^^
Regarding Anarchical Tendencies. Yes, he's a little hard to work in a team if it doesnt fit his idea of justice to a certain level. He doesn't expect people to completely agree with him, but he expects some agreement inside a team to work at his full.
He can bend to work in a team that don't agree with his ideals, but actions that take his flexibility to the extreme will eventually break him and he'll probably refuse to participate in it.
Not always "bad actions", though, but something that displeases him too much, such as a "really dumb decision" or anything too coward. (that last one plays with his self image of a hero, therefore his pride)
Do you beleive this would make RPing in a team with him too hard? I don't want to be a pain in the a** to my comrads, so I can change this for the sake of teamwork.
I do have a IM, it's a live messenger. Hit me at indiokid@hotmail.com
I'm usually on after 10pm PST (around 6pm for me) and stay on untill 2am. Every week day.
ps. Thanks for the help, I really appreciate. ^^
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Posted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:10 am
Added, I'm andelstories @ gmail.
Being a general pain in the a** is totally okay and can be a lot of fun to play against, what just strikes me as a problem is that he seems to always know when to not be a pain in the a** -- his Anarchy trait has a lot of convenient exceptions, as does his wise-assery. My recommendation would be to get rid of those exceptions or at least tone them down so his rulebreaking and wiseassing can get him in genuine trouble / his actions can genuinely backfire on him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm seeing is someone who thinks way too highly of himself, puts himself before others and thinks he can get away with anything -- he thinks he's smarter and better than everyone else? If so, the problem there is that right now, his profile makes him out to be someone who CAN get away with anything, and IS smarter and better than a lot of people. What you can do is make it so this really is almost all in his head, and he's really not this amazing badass even though he likes to tell himself he is.
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