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 Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 10:24 am
@ Guine - Thanks for your crit. The original attacks that I wrote up took the form of forming bracelets round the ally's wrist and it was pointed out to me that it made the attacks come across as more of something that was a Senshi of Jewellery or a Senshi of bracelets. I'm hoping that the tweaked attacks makes him seem more like a senshi of beads smile
I'm not sure I want to change the Jewellery-making hobby to beading since that suggests that all his jewellery is made purely from beads whereas I'd say he likes to combine wrapping techniques with beads mostly.
If the hobby's too much of a problem then I'll change it biggrin
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Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 12:15 pm
Updated edits 02/05/10
Dumped the card carrying coward flaw and shifted polite to miscellaneous.
I think I'll leave it at 3 of each unless I can think up a fourth flaw to slot in. Also moved re-drafted attacks to senshi attacks and taken the old ones out.
Updated edits 03/05/10
Created a whole new section and moved fashion, nationality and miscellaneous (now called other character quirks) to that section so the form should now completely match the quest form.
Will probably try for a few more crits and then put back up for a mark
Updated edits 04/05/10
Think that this is ready so putting back up for a mark, but will leave the crits up as I'd still appreciate any crits heart
Updated edits 21/05/10
Added a chibi civvie pic of Arian heart
Updated edits 23/05/10
Tweaked Athene's eternal attack and made it an AoE attack, hoping that it comes across more of a different attack now. Re-named the attack too as old name didn't fit.
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Posted: Thu May 27, 2010 12:21 pm
NAME
I'm also not sure that this'll fly since we have a character named Anthony and the staff generally doesn't like doubling up on names. The reason for his change of name should also be up here since it's relevant.
I'd go easy on the strikes. It's really distracting to see that many nicknames scratched out.
HOBBIES
Or at least the customers that buy from the online shop (that he runs with his cousin) seem to think so.
Arian prefers to work with silver (usually sterling), crystal and wooden beads . (Either a period or a semi-colon) He also quite likes working with gemstones although he hates working with what he deems 'artificial' materials so plastic is out.
"This doesn't mean that Arian will simply wander down to the most exclusive jewellery store in town and just admire displays dripping with diamonds and sapphires." <- What does it mean then? You sort of leave the reader hanging with this sentence.
As neither Arian nor his cousin
VIRTUES
The "how this would work as a senshi" bit is coming off as unnecessary simply because you are literally writing word for word what you've written in the core body of the virtue. Rather than give this its own section, try to incorporate the new ideas into the virtue.
FLAWS
- For Unreliable, would this be a problem, say, if someone called and needed his help while he was in the middle of something? Like, would just not pick up the phone or would he pick it up and tell them he'll be there in a bit but then not show up on time? Would he ever feel bad if his unreliability cost a fellow senshi something important?
- I'm not entirely sure how not being a leader is a flaw, to be completely honest. It's more of a character fact, really.
You've got a flaw that is annoying and may cause some damage to people and a flaw that could count as a weakness only if there's a child involved. As it stands right now, there's really not much room for your character to cause any conflict. You're setting yourself up for only meet 'n greet RPs, since Arian won't take charge, doesn't call people on their failures, and won't tattle on them. I've said this to a couple people for and it definitely applies here. I want to see your character at his darkest, causing pain or conflict in his own right. What is the meanest, cruellest part of himself, even if he's ashamed of it, that makes him do bad things?
OVERALL
It helps the flow to change up your sentence structure just a little. If you start every paragraph with "Arian does" or "Arian is" it makes it harder for the reader to really get into the story you're telling since they're just reading the same thing over and over again.
I'm not sure why you're using ellipses so often? Unless there needs to be an elongated pause, just a period will do.
I'd like to know more about his history. You've hinted that his mother/sister are dead and his family has basically abandoned him but I can't seem to find the how or the why.
Right now you kind of have just an average Joe nice guy, who's good at making jewellery but has some issues with a dark past. Is that really all he is? You really want to try and aim for a character that makes people say "hey, I want to RP with this guy!" What things make people his friends? What things make people his enemies? How does he make his friends/his enemies? Does he flounder when things don't go his way or does he swim valiantly for the surface even if he knows he can't win?
Basically, I want to see more to this guy than the fact that he's pretty nice and makes jewellery.
Overall, though, nice work!
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Posted: Thu May 27, 2010 12:23 pm
Hey Iitian! Hopefully this one will be more helpful than my last lame crit!
Nit-picking • O+ or O-? XD
Don’t forget there’s already an Anthony/Tony! I mean… it’s not his real name, so I guess it’s okay. I’m not sure about the finer details of what’s allowed and what’s not, but I’m guessing nicknames are okay.
Hobbies
Jewelry-making • Just a few typos here and there, but an easy fix. Pft, ignore that. Jewellery is fine, I'm just used to the other version, so you'll be seeing that, instead. <3 I really like all the extra information you put here since the last time I looked over your quest! I feel like he’s more specified now, rather than generalized and I really like that. It also doesn’t bother me that he does wire work, too, rather than just beading. Good job. Question; does he give any of his creations away to his friends?
Window shopping • Ha ha! This made me laugh! I really like his guilty pleasure. And I definitely understand this tying into his hobby of jewelry making.
Reading • Does he pick up books about jewelry making? Has he thought about creating his own beads? I’ve seen a good number of books about how to make polymer clay beads and omg they’re beautiful.
Running • Seems like a good hobby. Has to keep in shape somehow! It’ll also get him out and about, though there’s nothing wrong with carrying your travel case of jewelry findings and beads and making jewelry at a park!
Virtues
I like his virtues, just remember to double check if using the name “Anthony/Tony” for a nickname is okay. For his creative virtue, he could definitely delve into different kinds of jewelry making, such as mentioned before! I also really like the notes you include about how he’ll act as a Senshi, but it could definitely use some development.
Flaws
I’m also liking his flaws. I don’t see anything that would contradict his virtues, at least. And I really like the extra information you’ve included into it, such as situations and how things could turn out. Again, the notes about him being a Senshi is a nice touch, but again, more development about him as a Senshi.
Senshi
I really like his attacks in that they’re not really attacks, but used to help his teammates. Let’s just hope he knows how to flee when he’s alone!
I think you’ve got a very good development with this! Just some minor typos/grammar and things to think about, really. I think he has the potential to be a very fun character to play and play with! I also really like the extra notes you’ve included. It helps me understand the character more. Best of luck! Can’t wait to see him when you get him! <3
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Posted: Thu May 27, 2010 3:47 pm
Thanks Chibi and Guine for your crits, they're both really helpful and have given me a bit to think about.
Ironically I've been thinking of changing the name he's known by as I realised there's an Anthony in the shop already. I originally was going to use Andrew/ Andy but then realised there was already an Andrew so I settled on Anthony.
I'm going to use Andrian instead though, which would allow me to have Andy as a nickname.
I'll definately work at using your crits to tweak Arian even more.
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Posted: Thu May 27, 2010 6:15 pm
Updated edits 28/05/10
Put [uc] back up as too tried to finish posting across changes tonight, will shift over some stuff and write up a small history post when more awake.
Will switch out the Neither a leader flaw and may stick that in misc info and probably replace it most likely with guilt complex. I was trying for someone who not only dislikes the limelight but hates it enough to actively avoid it, but can't make it come across as sufficiently flaw like
Will most likely write guilt complex as new flaw and tweak trust issues.
Need to find a way of making him less nice Joe with a dark past since that's not what I was aiming for at all - ironically I was actually aiming for someone who has had a few knocks, but despite it has managed to come out the other end relatively decent. Something to ponder when it's not 2am xd
Updated edits 28/05/10
Put not a leader into other character quirks - I kind of don't want to dump it completely unless I have too. Replaced it under flaws with guilt complex.
Tweaked the trust issues flaw some more and started working on the history
Updated edits 01/06/10
Tweaking flaws & virtues so that they better fit together. Added a bit of information on how supportive will work considering that he's also unreliable.
Tweaked guilt complex yet again. Need to work on a fourth flaw to balance out the virtues.
Tweaked hobbies a little to incorporate some stuff from 'Guine's crits heart
Also need to tweak and then reduce down the history - kind of long at the moment as I figured I'd write it all out then cut it down. Added partial family tree to keep the family relationships straight in my mind.
Leaving it for now as it's 2am over here again.
Updated edits 02/06/10
Tweaked virtues slightly yet again and added in a fourth flaw. Hopefully everything fits better together and Arian comes across as a more rounded character.
Tried to vary my writing style to make it read better (not sure how well I succeeded though xd )
Also tweaked history and slotted the most crossed out nicknames into that section.
Also ran edits through spell check, so hopefully it caught everything.
Going to stick this up for more crits now.
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Posted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:32 am
Good grief I'm supposed to find things wrong with this? To be honest, I was very impressed with this quest. It looks and reads as a very thought out and hammered down idea....
I am curious about the number of beads. I know in the first two attacks they disappear with the seconds, but int eh final attack there are 108 beads. Can I ask why that many beads specifically?
I'm really sorry this isn't really a crit. I think that this quest is definitely ready and I'm excited to see him!
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Posted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 12:38 pm
Hi Blue Eyed Melloon, thanks for your comments.
I've been trying to use previous crits to round him out as a character, I'm glad he reads better now smile
For the final attack, I (very) loosely drew on the notion of prayer beads to inspire me. As 108 beads was the number commonly used, I mentioned that number specifically
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Posted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:01 am
@ Guine - realised that I never answered your question on his blood type it's O- smile
Updated edits 06/06/10
Got a couple of friends to read this through and took out some duplicate words, took out the few remaining traces of Anthony that I'd overlooked and replaced them with Andrian.
Also corrected over Seren's surname.
Going to put this back up for a mark although I'd still love crits (*is a bit of a nitpicker IRL* xd )
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