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 Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 6:56 am
Reviving this again. Crits/marks welcome, pleaseee <3
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Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 12:23 pm
Edited a bunch of things, tried to make everything flow better. o3o
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Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:21 pm
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Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 10:45 am
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 1:41 am
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 4:08 pm
I told you I'd get to critting you~
You may want to consider changing Fiyero's age. Although he technically isn't too old, he's pushing the limits somewhat (near the end of the 4th post). We also have an official form that you may want to start using.
"Well, he was a bartender for a while, but he got fired for making disregarding all of the rules and instead concocting his own drinks" Hai there typo. 8D
And making his own dangerous drinks sounds pretty serious. Like, woah. He wasn't arrested or something? ._. Bartender is also a pretty big leap to market strategist (and I'm sure that Fiyero wold be working on other strategies other than how to take over companies, yes?)
Eye color - Staff have recently ixnayed heterochromia, so you'll want to change that.
People watching Why yes, that is creepy. xD Perhaps some elaboration, such as what happens if he gets caught? Why did he pick up this hobby?
Maybe add another interactive hobby. People watching is somewhat solitary and crotcheting is solitary. Bartending is somewhat solitary because minors can't drink. xD
Panic, what's that mean? He gets extremely excited when fighting? That sounds contradictory to what you're trying to describe. Last sentence also doesn't have much with keeping his cool. Also elaborate on the positive aspects of being calm/describe it more?
Dedicated and determined If he's not going to do anything if it won't benefit him, it doesn't sound very dedicated and determined. :/ Sounds half-hearted. Also elaborate on his dedication and determination. Will he walk through fire to complete his task, etc.?
Extraordinarily narrow minded The aspects of this trait is a bit jumbled up. You say something, don't elaborate, and move onto the next part. Explain how this negatively affects Fiyero and describe it more.
When I do something, I'll do it until it's done First sentence doesn't seem to relate to the name of this trait. And perhaps describe more about how he gets obsessed with what he does and such? (Which also sounds creepy btw, haha)
You can't be better than me. It's not possible But it is arrogance on his part. He just doesn't think it's arrogance. xD I'm not exactly sure how this is a flaw, so elaborate on the negative effects of this?
Keep at it Kuro~ <3
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Posted: Tue May 11, 2010 10:38 pm
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Reply
