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 Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2010 12:47 pm
Hello everyone! I'm Gorman, and I was hoping to get some feedback on this post. It is my first time playing a major villain, and I wanted to make sure he is the twisted, evil, psychotic person I want him to be.
Okay, story was that my character was being hel captive by the goody-goodies, and they want to know why he's being mean and killing things. Keep in mind that the character, affectionately called Goreshade the b*****d, is and undead elf necro/technomancer who believes every will be smarter and better off if they're dead. Okay, here it is..:
"Well," Goreshade sighed thoughtfully, carefully ignoring the knife at his temple, and twisting his head about to face the man holding him, "These...people don't have any value or respect for their lives. They just twiddle them away, taking the lives of others like the savages they are. That's the beauty of undeath. It clarifies your outlook on the world most wonderfully. You see the worth in things, and if their worth is not found sufficient," Here he giggled with glee, "You destroy it!" Seeing Lash's expression, he continued irritatedly, "Oh, bother you judgmental mortals- don't look at me like that!- I haven't finished. Once destroyed, then you can create it anew! In a more beautiful, efficient form! That is all I wish to achieve, and that little fiasco over yonder was an attempt at rectifying some of God's mistakes." Goreshade winked slyly at the tense man, "Besides, even you must admit that things were becoming rather drab, what with you lot sitting around talking. I was doing you a favor! Anyways, what did you expect? Why do think they call me Goreshade the bloody b*****d!" He frowned and looked around expansively, then snarling with sudden anger, "And, damn them all, do tell the young wench with that fascinating sword-whip to leave my bloody trees alone or I'll shove her head in her arse and kick her arse into the ******** clouds!" He took a deep breath and nodded once with air that said, That's that then, no?
Here he turned around slowly and grabbed his sword, latching it to his back and turning back to the man with the menacing claws. "Please forgive me, but, alas, my good man, I have been rude. I have yet to inquire your name! Please, do tell me, for I must be off. You know how it is...souls to claim, lives to judge, towns to terrorize, legends to birth, etc., etc..." he finished with an expectant look towards Lash.
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Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2010 5:31 pm
((hey everyone I wanted to see what everyone would think of this post I had put in on a thread I've been doing for two years. We've done a revamp on the storyline behind the thread and now it's set in the modern era. My character is a vampire named Zero He's had flashbacks of people that he knew in his past. He's ran across a girl he knew and wanted to free her form being a slave to some rich mobster)
She smiled at him as he covered her with a blanket and pulled her close. " Why go to so much trouble for me, a slave?" She asked while cuddling him.Zero chuckled as he looked at her.
"Why indeed?.....many would say I'm just using you as a love toy and others....like my brother would say I'm keeping you to fill that empty space inside me and to keep away the bad times." His eyes turned soft and sad.
"Time.....something my father use to say could give us something humans couldn't but what?.....life?....death?.....happiness?" He stroked her check and sighed.
"I sometimes wish he told me the answer...." He shook his head and continued stroking her check. "Why must the life of a vampire seem so easy when in fact it's the most loneliness life to live....that is unless you have someone to share it with...."
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Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 3:11 pm
((This is an example of one of my better posts. This isn't one of the examples of my best poststyle. Then again, I always believe I'm lacking in that area. I just don't ever feel like going elaborate with my poststyles when it's what is in the post that counts. At least to me anyway. :3))
((For some reason, the poststyle is glitching now. Forgive the crimson color thing at top. It doesn't normally look like that. sweatdrop ))Quote: Ѷξʀɠɨʆ .ϓυʀɨ . Αʆɨɠɦɨξʀɨ Ȋ do not know why...☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆ (()) ☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆ Vergil was in a daze for awhile. He seemed to be replaying memories through his mind. The happy ones, before this year, were with his uncle Dorian. Dorian was like a father to him and sometimes, he wished Dorian was his real father! But he knew that could never be because, his mother was human and his father was demon. His uncle was pure-blooded human to the bone. Though that didn't shake off the fact that Vergil looked like a carbon copy of Dorian, while he looked like nothing like his mother or his father! I wonder if I should ask him if..His thought was interuppted when Gabriel came out and asked about clothing.
"It's fine with me, but let me see if Dorian has talked to Craig." Vergil told him calmly and smiled slightly as he got his cell phone from the bedroom and sat on the couch. Dorian answered after the first couple of rings.
"Hello?"
"Hey uncle! Did you talk to Craig about Gabriel?"
"No! I couldn't find him at his trailer! I have a sneaking suspricion that Craig is with Nick. Every since that boy joined the circus, Craig has been..."
"Uncle! You are getting off track here!"
"Right! Anyway, if Gabriel stays away from the other trailers and the tent, he should be fine to go off on his own. The problem is if Drocell catchs him. Then we will have problems."
"Yeah. Drocell is quite unpedictable."
"Indeed."
Vergil looked at the phone for a bit, the silence between the two dragging on. On occasion, it was like Dorian just knew he wanted to ask him the life changing question. Yet Vergil seemed to not have the courage to ask it.
"You there?"
"Hey, I'm here."
"Is something up?" Yeah, there's something up.
"Dorian...you remember you once told me you had a lot of one night stands when you were younger?"
"Yeah! After I met Dante's mother however, I stayed completely loyal!"
"I know you did. But..Uncle...have you ever found the resemblance between us to be a little...too similiar?"
"....What do you mean?"
"Easy. We both have the same hair color, the same eye color, the same facial features, even the same reactions! It wasn't until Nicolai pointed it out to me at my birthday party a couple of months ago that I saw the strangness of the simliarites, especially after he showed me the picture." Vergil told calmly with a hint of nervousness in his voice. That picture was a picture of Dorian from his younger days. Expect for some differences, Vergil looked exactly like Dorian when Dorian was his age. It actually freaked him out alittle! He pulled out the picture from under the couch and placed it beside him.
"I'm sure even a stranger can see it! I remember when Dante used to call me brother! Now why would he do that?"
"Vergil...maybe he was...Oh what's the use? I'm not going to lie to you Vergil...Sigh. Dante's power of seeing the future is only completely blocked when it is a close relative or someone that will impact his life drastically. I mean the relation has to be a sibling or a parent, Vergil. Dante can see brief fragmented glimpses if it is other relatives, but not to you. I am not strong enough, I admit, to say it out loud. But you are smart Vergil, say it." Vergil heard Dorian tell calmly and all he could do was bite his lip. He felt emotions going through his entire body and in the end gave into them. Tears started forming around his eyes and they fell down his cheek.
"...Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why didn't you come find me? Why did you let me suffer?!"
"Vergil! I didn't know that you existed! I swear to you I didn't! I didn't even know that woman was a demon until Drocell told me soon after! I felt ashamed and distanced myself as far away from her as possible! If only I had known Vergil..I......When I saw you eight years ago, I thought I was looking into a twisted mirror. I thought someone was playing tricks on me. But there you were with that small smile on your face and all I could do was watch as you talked to me with such a fascinated look on your face. Your child self could tell it, but I couldn't let myself believe it Vergil. I was too weak and I will always pay for that. That's why I could only tell you I was your uncle, because I thought you might believe that. I had some hope that you wouldn't. But you did. You left my life just like that and the only concact I had with you was letters. Then I brought you here and I thought I had the courage to tell you. When my wife died and Dante and Amy came however, I realized I didn't....I'm not going to ask you for forgiveness Vergil! I'll never be able to repent for my crimes against you! But please, don't hate me!" Vergil heard the sadness and despair in the man's voice. All he could do was lie back and had to concertrate on gripping the phone. The tears were coming down and he didn't even care that Gabriel could see them. He felt numb on the inside, but also happy! With this relevation, maybe he could get the peace he always wanted!
"Alright...I won't hate you...But it will take time for me to adjust, okay? Anyway, I'll protect Gabriel from Drocell and I'll make sure to...protect...." Vergil's voice broke up at the idea of calling Dante his brother. He always had a soft spot for the guy, but never thought it was because he was his brother! Calling him his brother now felt like a miracle and yet so strange at the same time.
"My brother, Father." Vergil hung up the phone before Dorian could respond. He wasn't sure what the other man was doing. Was he crying like Vergil was right now? Was he just going through emotional shock? What was he doing? If it wasn't for the fact he couldn't move, Vergil would have dashed right over there to see! But the mental and emotional shock just kept him still, almost lifeless with the tears slowly coming down his face like a tiny stream. Father...I have...I loving father...and I never knew it. All these years...All this time...I could have...I could have been....happy. ☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆☆═━┈┈━═☆ ...but I am not myself anymore.
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Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 6:18 pm
This is mine, from one of my longstanding RPs. So the characters are a good deal more developed than one from a single RP... This post is from the fourth evolution of the RP.
Athena worked quickly, knowing she was fighting against Lucifer. Her uncle, Hades, had absolutely no control over the demon anymore, and could do nothing to help. She had many pieces of Miron's shattered soul, and she needed the rest to repair it and give Miron back to Meda...
Meda turned to Miron's body, her eyes swimming with normal looking tears now. She walked slowly over to it, and kissed his forehead, closing his eyes before starting to dig a hole for the body. The work was done quickly, since she was using her magic... She turned, sensing someone familiar nearby. Looking intently, she sighed very unhappily, her heart aching for the one perosn that she had come back for... After she had placed Miron's body in the grave, and emblazoned the tombstone with his name and the words, "Beloved Husband and Father" Meda knelt next to the grave and cried. She sobbed, her heart aching, her body trembling.
Athena continued her work, slowly winning the battle against Lucifer, and finally, she wrenched Miron free. She cast a sealing spell at Lucifer, not caring if it worked or not, but taking Miron away to give him his life back.
Ahna helped Diana to a room with a bed.
"Rest, and we will let you know how things turn out," she said, before leaving and going back to Raistlin. "Raistlin... Meda..." Ahna said helplessly, looking into her husbands eyes. She could feel Meda's extreme grief from wherever the woman was. "Something happened..."
Aurix nodded and stood, walking to the edge of the cliff before taking off, his elegant but mismatched wings propelling himself into the air, far above the earth. He hadn't let them flow in the caves, but now the silvery tears flowed down his face, falling silently to the earth below.
Leanna cackled, but then gave a gasp, feeling something stab her. She looked down to find an ice spear deep in her belly. With a scowl, she pulled it out, but found that the ice was creeping up and over her. She could feel her spell over Mawata breaking as the ice encased her. In fact, the spell had been broken at her first wounding.
A resounding crack sounded through the caves as the ice started to break off of Mawata. She took a stumbling step forward and took a deep breath, but it came out in a chocked sob of pain. Her lower half seemed to be covered in blood, and the blood was slowly spreading through her skirt.
Diana heard the crack and immediately ran to where Mawata had been left. Seeing the blood, Diana knew what to do.
"Miss Mawata, Please, just sit down," she said. Mawata nodded, sitting down, tears of pain streaming from her eyes. Diana closed the door and went to work...
Melody sighed and looked at Eclipse.
"Yes, we will make it through..." she whispered.
Meda slowly stood. Her skeletal wings stretched out eerily behind her, but they wouldn't go away now, not now that she had summoned them.
"I have nothing left... to live for..." she whispered, her hair whipping into her face to seemingly wipe away the crystalline tears. Raising a hand to the sky, she summoned a knife, her wing was raised as well, in synchronization with her hand. Bringing her hand back down, she looked at the knife, then held it out in front of her chest...
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Posted: Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:17 pm
This is a roleplay post for a character that is human but can shape shift. How can I make this more interesting or enjoyable to read?
Night had fallen and with it began a night of a new moon, the forest was even darker than usual. Lilly found herself in a particularly thick section of the forest, the underbrush consisted on thorny vines and foot-high plants with sharp leaves. Small cuts on her caves leaked blood down to her feet. The only protection her feet had was a wrapping of worn leather tied with laces. She was seriously considering shifting into a deer, but she had recently eaten meat, and was not partial to being sick. The dog form didn't have long enough legs to step between the plants, and wasn't small enough to go under. She just wanted to stop and camp, but she could barely see large shapes assumed to be trees, let alone a safe place to rest.
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Posted: Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:22 pm
 "In a sea of blood.
In an ocean of broken souls..."Swimming through the blackness of his own mind, Red was lost for a moment as images flashed all about him, too quick for the eye to quite comprehend. As far as he could tell he felt ethereal, his body free from the pain that had consumed him moments before. Was he dead? No... He couldn't be just yet. The events recalling themselves now he almost lost himself in laughter. ******** Dev had been there, he knew he'd recognized those eyes. The blonde man with the hideous nose and the toupee. So, Dev had come through, the b*****d. Red could barely believe all of it had worked, what a friend, to put himself out like that. Granted Red had paid Dev, handsomely, but there was more than that. There was no way Dev would take a job so serious without trusting Red's ability to protect him from the consequences, and protect him Red would. Dev, or Sophie, whichever they preferred to be called, was as close to blood one could get without turning water to wine.
Red's hands roved his ethereal form, each scar its own blisteringly painful memory. His hand stopped along the one scar that tied himself forever to Dev. Three rings of raised flesh responded to his prodding. Three bullets had crossed right through him, nearly tearing his shoulder off from his hinges. Touching lightly through his own being the memories called themselves forth and he fell into his own past.
Red and Dev were walking step for step with each other towards a squatted low building. The place was a whore house. Run by a man that thought he was above Red's protection. The scene was back in the early days of the O'Leary's. Back when Red had first hopped the pond and had just begun taking over the docks. It had been him, and Jim along with a few determined friends in the docks, though most of them were now long gone. They had pushed and set up the foundation of what would become the O'Leary family within a few years. But this was the job that had set everything up. That had set the precedence for the O'Leary's as possibly one of the most ruthless gangs to ever grace the streets of New York.
Alone Red and Dev had marched into the whore house and forced a meeting with the clubs owner. The man had obviously been expecting company as they were met by a number of armed guards and said boss.
Bullets flew and men died, Red and Devereux moved like demons through their assailants. Killing quickly and viciously until all that was left between them was the clubs proprietor and themselves. The only problem with this scenario was the positioning, the boss was still armed, with his gun pointed firmly at Dev. Dev was knealing, after taking a hit himself before murdering the last of the guards. Red was mere steps away, watching the scene unfurl before him with only moments to spare. Red slide between them quickly, the knife always kept attached to his forearm flung free from its sheath in a flash of light as the final moments of this drama flew close. Three shots were heard in a sluggish succession. Red was knelt before the boss, a glazed look in his hollowed eyes, his grisly smile still held fast as blood gushed onto his face and ran down his arm. His breathing was ragged and labored as he faltered to not move. The gun was mere inches from the connection between his right shoulder and pectoral. The boss had fired directly into Red, the first shot ringing through and cutting into Devereux's neck, painful but not lethal. The other two shots were the shadowing actions of a man doomed completely. Following Red's left arm up, the limb was soaked completely in the hot red liquid that smelled so much like iron. His blade sticking firmly through the front of the mans neck and out the back. Blood continued to spurt out of both men like a fountain with no rim to contain the flood.
Then a low laugh hummed the place as the scene seemed to freeze in place. This moment was short lived though, the man collapsing only seconds later under his own weight, freeing the glinting stiletto from his own neck. Red's laughter gave way to a heaving hack as blood rushed through his mouth in a congealed gout. Coughing up blood, Red doubled over himself, heaving as pain racked his body. The bullets had gone straight through, but the damage they had wreaked was great.
Moving as quickly as possible Dev had gotten up and rushed to Red's side. For a brief moment the facade slipped and there was Sophie's concerned eyes behind Dev's features. Picking Red up, Sophie nearly spoke until Red stopped her, "Don't say a ********' word yuh kiwi..." Another cough filled with blood, "Let's just get the ******** outta here..." And with that, Dev was back, leading him from the building, Red's one good arm slung over the man's shoulder as he was nearly dragged out of the whore house now filled with bodies.
Year's had passed since that night, and so much had changed since then. But one thing had not, the debt owed between Red and Dev that night. Selflessly, Red had jumped in front of Dev's bullet, sacrificed his own well being for a man he was paying for a job. Red could have just let him die there and ended the situation with one less pay check to write. But things didn't add up that way to Red. Dev had worked into the realm that Red considered family, and that circle was few and far between. The only living member in that circle today being Jim, Neila, Piper, and Dev, or Sophie, depending on her mood. The two of them shared a bond that passed words, and it had been hard for Red to call in such a dangerous favor with Dev, but today was the same as that night all those years ago. Red was building his empire, and unfortunately, blood would have to be shed for it. It was almost ironic how his left shoulder was now the one being damaged after so many years. It almost seemed as if the favor returned could be recorded along Red's own scars.
Consciously, Red laughed to himself. It had gone well, the mayhem cause between these two explosions was amazing, the carnage spectacular. But more than anything it had shown how vulnerable the Coltens really were to attack. If Brooke had a hard time before her then, she was nigh doomed now. Well, that was if she made it out alive. The vultures would be coming soon enough though, with her family so easily attacked in the open with no visible trace of a culprit. Of course from any other family's point of view this could be seen as her way of trying to narrow out the competition. She was in a pinch, and what better way to clear out all the family's than by attempting to kill them all?
The conclusions didn't really matter, Red knew. What mattered was that none of it traced back to him. He was clean in everything but conscience, and it's not like he had much use for that anyways. Then the confusion, it was beautiful, with this storm in the air. Everyone would draw their own conclusions as to who had done what for whatever reason. Within this confusion Red would be able to finally move. The O'Leary's would be one step closer to having everything finally.
As he thought this, Red reveled within his own mind until the darkness began to swallow him again. All until a haze collected him completely, then a bright light entered his vision as things slowly began to gain focus. The first thing he saw was the ground, shaking firmly as Neila rushed him towards a paramedic. He then became aware of the pain as he attempted to breath, which he very obviously couldn't do very well right now.
His eyes shot open as pain lanced through him again and a horribly gasp mucked in blood rang through his throat. Vommiting a mix of blood and beer on the paramedic before them Red let out a hoarse gasp again as he fought for breath. It felt like everything in his left side was gone aside from an all consuming fire of pain. He heaved heavily as his body was flipped onto a stretcher and was strapped onto it. He saw Neila in the corner of his eye as she got into the ambulance with him and the doors shut behind her. He felt the vehicle begin to move as he slowed his own breathing to a crawl, everything hurt like hell, but it was worth it. The pain, was more than an expectable price to pay. He'd kept Neila from being crushed, and the ensuing chaos from the explosions would be more than beneficial for the O'Leary's. It really was a pity that Neila had no idea about the attacks. He had never included her in this plan, though she would have been a great help. But this was between Dev and Red, a bond that Neila had no part in and couldn't understand. She hadn't been there all those years ago, she just didn't know.
Forcing himself Red attempted to throw on his old cheshire grin, he barely managed it through the pain but it was there behind the blood that caked along the inside of his mouth. He wanted to laugh right now, even through the pain, but he knew that it would only hurt more. It was then that the EMT decided to sedate Red for the moment. Placing a small mask over Red's grin and nose, gas filled Red's shattered body as the blackness swallowed him again. It was so warm. So beautiful. He couldn't help but keep his smile as he faded into bliss once again. "He is master of the flood,
As the red waves crash and the gyre rolls."[[This is basically post after my character was critically injured in a bombing attack he orchestrated. He's a tad twisted, but this post displays a bit of his back story with the man he worked with on the attack. Honestly I feel like a got a bit lazy in different parts of it, but I would love any kind of criticism that ya'll might have. Always looking to improve my writing. Thanks all of you who decide to help. Also, a quick note. Deveruex is Not my character, but the creation of my friend Clowesia. She gave me permission to use her character for said flash back, so I want to pass out another thank you to her for letting me use her character.]]
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 12:06 am
@Gorman~ Hullo yourself boss! Alright, I hope you don't mind if I take a crack at this. First off I want to say good job on making a truly psychotic person seem exceptionally sociable. Granted the rp itself seems a fluff to begin, but that definitely isn't a bad thing. In fact I think you take the concept in stride very well with this character.
The dialog is great. Keep it up and keep practicing to get even better.:3
Now, I'm not completely sure about this, but it might help you with your narration to give even more detail. I get a good impression of his facial expressions and a general idea of his temperament, I have a slight understanding of his movement, and I have a general idea what is happening around him. But what you should strive for is to create an immersive image for your reader. I should have a good image of those around him from his perspective, I should be able to have a very clear image of his actions. So much so that all my senses or at least most of them addressed.
Now these are just tips for you to fine tune your writing. Everything I mentioned is polish. You've done a good job with this character, now all that left is a little bit of polish to have the goody-goodies going, "Holy s**t this bloke is ******** up."
Hope I've helped you. :3
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 12:32 am
@shadow~ Hullo boss! Alright, hope you don't mind if I give you a few critiques. Just please note, while I'm blunt, I know what I'm talking about and I'm only doing this because I wanna help. :3
I'm not going to critique your use of having a vamp character like many people would. While it is a tad overplayed, this type of character can and has been done well and I've seen it first hand. So, with the vamp thing, just try to make it your own and do not go super emo out there. No one likes shiny emo vamps. :3
Next is dialog. This is where you need the most work.
First, I had this problem a few years ago, an ellipsis should not be overused. It kills the flow of your dialog like throwing a small animal into a mulcher. It makes things messy and slows things down far more than you might be aware of. Firstly, an ellipsis has three dots, [[...]] if you do use it, please use it as such. It makes you look like you know what you're doing when you use it correctly, even if the flow is frayed slightly. Too many periods is about as effective as writing your exclamations as such: [[!!1!11!!!01!!n00b!!1!!]]
Now consider this, if you're character pauses a great deal in his speech, then write about it. Make a break in parenthesis and emphasize something about the silence, his features, him doing something, something that might capture the reader's interest. Anything is better than pause... after pause... after pause...
To further help you with the pauses in your dialog, remember thats commas are your friend, as are singular periods. The beauty of talking is that you can talk in fragments if you want to! Make it sound like authentic speech with the appropriate pausing. Shortness of punctuation goes in this order from shortest to longest: [[,/;/:/./...]] All of these are tools to make everything flow when your character speaks. You're playing a vamp character, so most importantly, you need to make him look smooth and suave after an eternity of badassery, and your dialog is the perfect way to do that. :3
Now content of Dialog. I'm going to make this very simple. Always ask yourself, what do I want to say? Then, how would my character convey this? You and your character very likely are very different people, and your methods of speech are most likely different. You need to be careful in considering how your character would speak and what they would say.
Next is your narration, you need more! Create a vivid image of your scene in the readers mind. I know you have this image of whats happening in your scene in your mind, but to the reader, all I have is a blank world with dialog and a few sparse movements. Create the world around you and your writing will improve greatly. Detail, is the best weapon a writer can have.
Hope I've been able to help some, and I'm sorry if any of this has seemed harsh. :3
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:50 am
His Royal Dudeness Dude
Your post seems to be extremely well written; there were points where the description wasn't as in-depth, but it wasn't as thought something was missing. The changes of level of detail served to vary the flow of the post and make it more interesting.
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 12:02 pm
@Sir Awesomealot~ Thanks a lot for the review of my work. I attempted to switch the detail and a bit of the style of the narration whenever I shifted from an omniscent narration to a more personal narration. I'm glad you noticed, though I still need to work on it more. :3
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 4:22 pm
@EternalAlice~ Hullo boss! Hope you don't mind if I critique a bit. Overall I think you did a very good job with this back and forth dialog. Only a few bits I would like to highlight for you.
Alrighty then! First things first I said it in the last review I did, work with your ellipsis'. You're not overusing it nearly as badly, and you have a much better grasp of your characters, it's just a touch of refining it for the flow of your writing.
Aside from that, granted this is a phone conversation, but I think you could work a little more detail into whats going on around the scene before the call starts and then maybe a few of his reactions and such during. It's nice to always give the reader an idea of what the dialog is doing the the speaker, you can do this through the words, and you did good with that. But you can also do that with a good description of the speaker's features and how they change throughout the conversation. It also makes for a good natural break between words.
Now narration, not bad, just again the image is slightly lacking, but it's okay because we're working with a phone call, so it's understandable.
Overall all this is a very good post, just remember to look through everything grammar wise and with word structure before your post. Only saw a few grammar things that were slightly confusing, so remember to edit a bit as you go along. Again, congrats on an awesome post!
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 4:43 pm
Finally someone reviewed my post! Lol. XD
Yeah, I'm not surprised there is some grammer and word structure mistakes in there. I'm not the best at it and no one drilled into me the rules of grammer like they should have. So I know most of the rules, but some still slip me here and there. I'm hoping to get better at that as I go along. :3
Ellipses? That is what those are? *points to earlier comment about not knowing all the rules of grammer* XD
Not surprised I have flow issues. Then again, who doesn't?
I can see where you are coming from with the descriptions and such. I just don't want to be so overly detailed that people are bored you know? Trust me, back when I was real young and wrote, people use to get on me about that. sweatdrop I'm trying to figure out slowly what is the best balance between the two. So far, as you can see, I haven't exactly found that yet. :3
May I ask what you mean by the image is lacking? Like are you talking about the image you imagine in your head or something else? *knows this is probably a stupid question* ^^;
Thanks! It took me awhile to write that one, so I'm proud of it overall. <3
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 5:32 pm
@EternalAlice~ Hullo again! Alright, with the grammar thing, it's all about practice, trust me, the more you write the more you'll start to notice what flows and what doesn't.
Also one more tip you can use, instead of using the ellipsis' all the time. You can break quotation and add more to the image/ description. That's also what I mean about the image, work on creating a scene that can be clearly scene within the reader's mind.
Any other way I can help you out? :3
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 5:52 pm
Wait, you can do that? How would that look correctly? I've been trying to do that here of lately. But I'm not sure I'm doing it right.
The only break I know how to do correctly, is something like this.
"I have done this", Isabella told honestly, "And I have done that."
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 6:16 pm
It would prolly look kinda like this.
Jim looked at Pam lazily through vaguely sarcastic eyes while getting down on one of his knees. Looking into her eyes, his grin widened exponentially as the question lingered in the air, "Pam Beasely, I was wondering if you would do me the pleasure," He paused for a moment, letting the implication sink in. An expectant look arose on her face as hands flew to her mouth in excitement to cover her smile. "Of waiting for me while I finish tying my shoe." His grin is even wider now as his hands begin their work along the leather of his shoes, until he is hit in the head by Pam's unexpected purse. Incredulous he looks up at her, "What?!" he says, only to notice that she's already walking away in an amused huff.
I love using The Office for reference material. :3
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