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 Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:35 am
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice Grading for Harxlily.
Graded by Meenchi!
Following Instructions: 10
Full points for following directions. =D
Characters: 9
You followed directions well, providing enough dialogue and actions to make it an engaging piece without a) breaking your word limit and b) losing us with too much dialogue or action. The only thing I can really point out is the jumping between "What's wrong?" and "Juice tastes like crap,", because it isn't fully understood who is and is not speaking between the two, providing the reader with an almost uncomfortable ambiguity.
Grammar/etc: 8
I thought I'd almost found my grammar-Nazi soulmate... But alas, dreams never really come true, eh?
'Don't smile don't smile' You were limited to 150 words. There was no mention of punctuation limitation. ;3
There is a bit of awkwardness in the flow of "What do you mean?" to "...But. You remember last week?", but it is, technically, grammatically correct. This can be revised in the future, however and will not count off...for now.
Although, I am counting off in Julius' last words.
"...Julius paused. "And mom made me clean it up? I didn't wash out the sponge."
Julius paused, but he was still continuing with his sentence, because standalone sentences do not start with 'and'.
'...Julius paused, "and mom made me clean it up? I didn't wash out the sponge."
Introduction/Conclusion: 10
Very creative, how you tied the introduction and conclusion together the way you did, presenting actions by, first, Julius and finishing with his brother. Full points.
Setting/Action: 9
The setting is described loosely, though described well enough through dialogue and actions. It starts off well enough, yes, though towards the end it begins to really lack any kind of action...though the slack is picked up by the dialogue, which was a big focus of this assignment. Very nice, one way or the other.
Total: 46
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Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:36 am
3. 4.11.09: Orange Juice Grading for Ersatz Rose.
Graded by Meenchi!
Following Instructions: 10
Paid attention to directions. :3
Characters: 10
"Well goodbye~ Was it worth it in the end?"
Sorry. Good song.
This was very well pulled off for only being 150 words. You pulled off the setting and the characters both, even in the short amount of space allotted. There's not much else I can say for this, other than, "Well done!"
Grammar/etc: 9
Ah, you are my soulmate. Excellent grammar, etc. Nice.
Introduction/Conclusion: 10
Perfect intro for this piece. The only thing is, is the ending...
The word "uh" throws it off just a little. For the purpose you were intending, making it 'Ugh' would have been the kicker for this. Not to be nitpicky or anything...
Setting/Action: 10
Again, nicely done for 150 words. Not much else to say, really!
Total: 49
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Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:41 am
New Prompt
4. 4.25.09: Fragility
Instructions: 500 word limit; there may be less but no more.
Must be written in third person.
Focus on a more serious setting.
Must make at least one Biblical reference/allusion.
(( Having someone say, "Oh my God!" or anything similar does not count.
However, it is not necessary for this prompt to have a central religious theme. By no means am I asking you all to write the Chronicles of Narnia...I just want you to make a reference. For example!:
"Her tears were enough to flood the world." A reference to Noah's flood.
"You always were the good-two-shoes-Abel in the family." He spat out venomously at his twin brother. A reference to Cain and Abel.
This prompt is not meant to offend or anything...just asking everyone to explore and step a bit out of their comfort-writing zones. As in...exercising your mind to think outside the box.
However, if anyone does feel uncomfortable with this prompt but would still like to reply, you may simply use angels or anything of that nature in your writing. It's completely understandable and I don't mind either way :3
Just PM me about it so I can grade accordingly. ))
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Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:39 pm
[Disclaimer: Okay, mine might walk around the theme a little bit. Just barely touching it. It is the best I can do religiously. So I hope it qualifies.]
04/27/09
Fragility
“Nice try God, nice try.”
People often wondered why Carol stood out in the rain. She would stand in the middle of the school yard; head tilted back looking at the rain as it landed on her face. She resembled a statue of intense sorrow.
Her fellow classmates at the academy would walk by her and sneer. They were proud mages , with their egos hanging out in all directions. The cloaks representing their element: the deep scarlet fire, the wind washed air, the cerulean blue, the earthen land, and the black mixed. The students would walk down the hallway in a mixed heap of colors, siding together in mockery or standing alone brooding over a mistake on a quiz.
Their whispers carried the story, “Did you hear? Carol has sided with her family and will fight against the government for control of our country.”
“She is nothing more then a dirty traitor.”
“They are out for themselves”
One girl in her scarlet cloak would look out at the yard. Her eyes filled with innocence would say, “You know she stands in the rain because the raindrops can run down her face like the tears she can’t cry. Eventually we get tired of crying, but we can still feel the tears. But, for some reason they refuse to fall.”
After making that brief speech she ran out into the pouring rain. Her fingers trembling in the cold, struggling to open an umbrella, after it was open she held it above Carol’s head. “I’ll tell you a secret. I never wanted to be a mage. The smell of spices rising in the house was always appealing, so I longed to be a chef. Yet, mysteriously here I am. The ways of parents I swear?” She said with soft lightness to Carol.
Carol turned her head ever so slowly, her eyes red with tears and her cheeks were pink and stained from the cold. “I never thought that I would be the prodigal son if I returned home to my parents. Never would have guessed that they had decided to disown me. So now I am a wandering mage, no friends on either side. It is as though there is a demon inside of me that can’t be cast out.” After her brief comment she turned her eyes to the sky.
“I don’t know whether I can cast out your demon. But I know I can stand by you in the rain and for now that will have to be good enough.” She smiled at looked up into the heavens with Carol.
“Grant her the power to find herself within the nest of sins and grant her soul freedom in her coming days.” She prayed under her breath, fingers running over her crucifix.
“God is no longer listening to me. So I appreciate your prayer.” Carol whispered as true tears ran down her cheeks.
Word Count: 482
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Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:20 am
4. 4.25.09: Fragility
Instructions: 500 word limit; there may be less but no more.
Must be written in third person.
Focus on a more serious setting.
Must make at least one Biblical reference/allusion.
"Do you swear on the holy bible to tell the whole truth the nothing but the truth?”
A trembling hand touched the front cover of the bible. This book was supposed to protect people, yet how its mass production took away from its holiness.
Green eyes up floated up to the magistrates face, a rosary in her hand, the red beads dangling out of her hand.
"Yes" said her soft voice, with a very distinct tremble in her voice.
“Very well Miss Dobbs, please take the stand”.
She nodded and the bailiff led her up to the witness box. She sat down in the chair. She looked down for a moment, her dark hair covering her face, as she clutched the rosary in her hand.
“Forgive me God, for I have sinned” she thought to herself before she looked back up.
“Would the prosecution begin it’s questioning”. A smartly dressed man stepped up from his table and stood in front of her and adjusted his tie before he cleared his throat and said “Miss Dobbs...would you please describe the attack, the one that took place on the Twelfth of January, 2009”.
The disheveled girl looked up at the man that stood in front of her. She opened her mouth slowly and her trembling voice began to speak.
“It was at night...I was walking down Church Street...About half way down the block I saw him...I tried to ignore him...but he pulled my arm towards him. He was angry....I could see it in his eyes. He said I couldn’t just walk past him. I told him to piss off and let me go. He got even angrier and dragged me into the house. He threw me on his couch ...hard...He said I had to learn a little respect. He tried to hit me, but I moved away just in time. He glared and brought up his fist and punched me in the face....There was a knife on the table...I picked it up...I....I...I’m sorry...I can’t go on”. The girl had been getting closer and closer to tears as the story went on. Now she was full blown crying.
“God...Please forgive me” she sobbed.
The court excused her. She was moved off the stand. Another witness was called to the stand. He had observed at attack from the side of the street. The girl sat in her chair near the prosecutor. She looked down, tears staining her cheeks. He held the rosary close to her heart.
The girl seemed to phase out the rest of the trail. She was too distraught to care. After sometime, the jury was called to give their verdict. One of the female jurors stood and began to read off a sheet of paper. She looked like a prim and proper women, hair up in a bun, glasses on her face.
“In the case of the rape of Leila Dobbs, the jury find the accused ... guilty”.
The girl began to sob again, but this time it was in relief.
Word Count: 500 says MS Word XD
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Posted: Tue May 05, 2009 9:43 pm
4. 4.25.09: Fragility
Instructions: 500 word limit; there may be less but no more.
Must be written in third person.
Focus on a more serious setting.
Must make at least one Biblical reference/allusion.
The man standing on the ledge of the building was not a cheated lover.
Nor was he one with massive amounts of debt due to a gambling or drug addiction.
He did not think life was pointless.
On the contrary, the man had quite enjoyed living.
On the contrary…he wasn’t a man at all.
The night was silent, except for the sound the rain made when it spattered lightly on the pavement of the street below.
He wasn’t contemplating the significance of life…he was waiting.
The young waitress made her way home from the diner on 16th Avenue.
The front of her apron, once baby pink, had been stained an ugly salmon color from grease and sweat.
It was near midnight. The streets were empty. And she didn’t have an umbrella.
She picked up her pace.
He first smelled her when she turned the corner of 14th Avenue and Hull Street.
The scent of hamburgers and expensive perfume and light breath and rain-soaked skin and warm, thick blood almost made his legs falter.
He quickly regained his balance.
A misstep could be fatal.
He was not immortal.
Nor was he a suave, seductive, glitzy hero-villain with superpowers, as the movies so loved to categorize his kind.
He was a monster. A blood craving undead with no right to exist.
At least, as far as he was concerned.
Things that die should stay that way.
He descended.
She stopped in front of the building, not knowing why. Her apartment was only a few blocks away. And it was raining.
The woman stood, blinking, unaware of the creature prowling only stories above her.
And then…
A noise.
It was small, feeble. A soft cry floating from the alleyway between two buildings.
Fighting between her maternal instincts and her need for self-preservation, the young woman froze, not knowing whether to investigate the noise or to continue home, pretending as if she had heard nothing.
Another cry, this one more plaintive and pitiful.
Her heart was broken. Her decision was made.
Going against everything she had ever learned, the waitress stepped into the city alleyway, alone.
Her scent had gotten stronger. She was a few mere feet away from his hiding place in the shadows.
He clenched his fists, his teeth. Dirt-caked nails dug into dead, rough palms.
Wait…must wait…
Uneasily, she delved deeper into the alleyway.
There was nothing there.
Highly unsettled, the girl turned and quickly began to stride out of the lane.
Until…
She turned.
He saw his chance.
Arms darted from the shadows, wrapping like cold vines around the waitress’s frail body.
Her heartbeat raced, pounding against his hollow chest. His grip tightened. Fingernails tore into fragile, supple flesh, blood mixing with the dirt.
Any sense of guilt or regret he may have once held was effectively extinguished by the crimson river pumping steadily into his throat by her frenzied heart muscle.
The man left the waitress’s mangled body behind the rusted steel dumpsters. She would be found by morning.
Word Count: 500
((Sorry about the ridiculous spacing. It reads better that way though, I think.))
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silentbreeze90 Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri May 08, 2009 11:20 pm
4. 4.25.09: Fragility
Instructions: 500 word limit; there may be less but no more.
Focus on a more serious setting.
Must make at least one Biblical reference/allusion.
A broken child knelt before Mary Magdalene, her hands outstretched in supplication to the cold stone statue of a saint long gone. “Holy Mary, mother fair, filled with love for God, pray for me in all my needs. Pray for me today.” The halting voice came forward slowly, conviction and purpose filling the quiet words whispered in an empty cathedral.
“Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners now. Forgive me, my mother, and do not forsake me despite the evil deed I go now to execute. I go now to meet my death and refuse to falter in the face of the madness that fills our world.”
A pain-wracked sob came from the girl as she slowly rose to her feet and lifted a hand to gently touch the outstretched hand of the peaceful figure swathed in marble robes, “In this dark time, ever this night be at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide.”
With dragging, limping steps and sorrowful eyes the small child, only ten years old, stumbled out into the street before the majestic Sainte-Chapelle, drawing a deep breath as she walked away without a single backward glance.
~~~
A blood-covered child walked slowly but steadily into the cathedral, her eyes glassy as she made her way to Mary Magdalene once more.
“Bless me, mother, for I have sinned. Today I took a life that was not mine to end. The Lord has said ‘Thou shalt not kill’ for He is the ultimate judge of life and death but I have taken his dominion as my own and wronged Him in doing so.”
Blood-stained hands reached out one last time to the lifeless image meant to give ease from suffering to the people of the world and left streaks of dark paint on the skirts of a frozen monument.
“Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.”
The girl’s voice grew fainter as she spoke her last words, “Pray for me now at the hour of my death.”
Hours later, the priests came in to find small hands still resting on a peaceful woman’s skirts as runnels of dark tears ran down an alabaster face.
Word Count: 420
((Mmm, this is a bit later than usual, and if there is a god out there, he probably would be very displeased with me for writing this, but the words slipped from my fingers after I looked up some common prayers. And yes, I know that I changed some of the prayers and their uses for the sake of my writing, and hope that all the christians who read this, especially the catholics, will forgive me for my liberal use of their prayers.))
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 9:27 pm
4. 4.25.09: Fragility Grading for SoundSpy-Ayumi
Following Instructions: 9
I remember discussing this specific writing exercise with you and explaining precisely what I meant by having a religious reference. Therefore, although this was not exactly what I was looking for, this post is acceptable. I deduct a point simply because it did not follow exactly what I asked for.
Characters: 10
I truly believe your strong point is in your characters. You give them a lot of thought and feeling it seems like. And I really appreciate that. Full points.
Grammar/etc: 7
There were several instances wherein better word choice could have been utilized. Try rereading your posts before sending them in or having someone else proofread them. The biggest problem I could find was:
Quote: One girl in her scarlet cloak would look out at the yard. Her eyes filled with innocence would say
It may have been better to rewrite it as, “One girl, in her scarlet cloak looked out into the yard, her eyes filled with innocence as she said…”
Introduction/Conclusion: 10
I found both of these rather creative and well executed. Full points.
Setting/Action: 10
I also found this not lacking. There was a very good balance of describing the setting and there was definitive action going on. Full points.
Total: 46
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 9:29 pm
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 9:29 pm
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 9:30 pm
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 9:41 pm
New Prompt
5. 5.16.09: "Love will enter cloaked in friendship's name. ." - Ovid
Instructions: Have fun.
This entry will not be graded (for more or less obvious reasons). I hope everyone responds anyway <3
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Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 6:12 pm
5. 5.16.09: "Love will enter cloaked in friendship's name. ." - Ovid
Instructions: Have fun.
This entry will not be graded (for more or less obvious reasons). I hope everyone responds anyway <3
(( Wrote this piece in about...half an hour. Tried to write it as fast as possible. Been working with Aethen for a bit and thought this would be a good way to get to know him better :3 For those wondering...he's not really homosexual o_O He's more...bisexual. But the person he's currently fascinated (not a crush, not infatuation, not love..."fascinated") with happens to be male...so...hope that does not offend anyone. Aethen's just...@_@; Weird. ))
“D-Doctor!”
Eyes of the setting sun blinked once before turning from the wooden door and gazing back at the young woman standing behind him, raising a delicate brow as his lips formed a gentle question, “Yes, Yukari-san?”
Standing before him, a petite Japanese girl of only her late teenage years kept her chocolate brown gaze on the wooden floor. Yukari was well aware that her notions were perhaps childish and to the eyes of elders, utterly foolish. But her young heart was still undaunted by the corruptions and evils of the world, believing fully in romance and fairy tales. “D-Doctor Aethen…” Lifting her gaze and licking her dry lips, the raven-haired girl cast a shy stare on her family’s physician, her heart racing. “T-Thank you for coming and…taking care of my mother…I…um…” Hands held behind her back, the young girl fingered the plastic encased rectangle she hid behind her, a blush rising to her porcelain cheeks. “I…”
“As charming as your stammering is Yukari-san, I need to take my leave…”
Whether his words were meant as an insult or compliment mattered little to the teenage girl…he had said she was charming.
“I got this for you Doctor!” She said all at once, pulling her hidden present from behind her back and bowing her head in sheepishness. Standing perfectly still, her muscles tense, Yukari was both frightened and excited. Would he accept the present? Would he understand her feelings?
Sure he was some eight years older than her…but love knew no boundaries such as age. If he would just give them a chance…
Ebony clad feet took slow steps towards Yukari as Aethen gazed at the unexpected gift with sunset eyes. When he had come to the Sakamoto household in order to check off his weekly house call with Yukari’s mother, he had not minded that the woman’s eldest daughter was home. But now…she was proving to be somewhat troublesome. He had places to be after all.
Reaching out a slender hand to take the present, the doctor suddenly hesitated as his mind registered something familiar about this exchange. “Today’s date…is…”
“Mmhmm…” Yukari clenched her teeth together, nodding slowly, her gaze still downcast. White Day…where gifts of white were given to those in love.
Resting in Yukari’s delicate hands was a pristine ivory tie, cushioned against fabric of ebony satin and confined in a box of clear plastic, the gift was adorned with a simple white ribbon…
White…like freshly fallen snow.
“I can’t…accept this, Yukari-san.”
Blinking rapidly, chocolate eyes darted up meeting with spheres of sunset as her mouth fell agape. “B-But…Doctor…”
“I am your family doctor, Yukari-san…do not mistaken me to be anything more than that.” With a callousness that did not cause him the slightest heartache, the older man pivoted to face the front door of the house once again, resting his hand on the golden doorknob. About to open the door, he was stopped once again by the child’s voice calling so desperately.
“Can’t…we be friends then? At least?”
“I would prefer you kept your distance.”
“…Why Doctor?” Her voice shook as if she was holding back tears. “W-Why…”
“Because you lack passion…and therefore, I’m not interested.” Twisting the doorknob and taking his leave without another word, the physician felt no sorrow upon hearing the whimpering he left behind. She was a fool…a silly child.
She should have learned how to distinguish when a man’s heart was already taken.
“Hmm…I wonder if Derrick is home yet.”
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Posted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 11:57 pm
Reserved
For whenever I write this. Doesn't matter if you keep going with new prompts, because you're not grading this one anyway
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