Tsubei

[Yaruka]

The shifting of blankets....the rustle of pillows....the soft tick-tocking of the clock upon the wall....and a pair of amethyst eyes staring into the darkness before them.

A heavy sigh escaped Tsubei's lips. Another difficult night of attempting to sleep. She didn't even want to know what time it was; some time in the early morning hours, she was certain. She was getting rather tired of this. Even when in the Silver World, she had nights where she was not able to sleep well. Dreams that she didn't want plagued her and a general feeling of restlessness had taken to bothering her. She had hoped that when she returned to Gaia, she might be able to banish them away and return to peaceful slumber. Sadly, it wasn't so.

Sitting up straight in her bed, she reached over and turned on her dim bedside light. Her royal purple hair hung loose over her back and shoulders, which she brushed back with a sweep of her pale hand. Hugging her knees up to her chest, she began to think; her thoughts seemed so loud in the silent sleeping house. As they had many times before since she found the dried up flower, her thoughts wandered back to Tsukiba and the past. Why, for Name's sake, couldn't she just let it go? Why couldn't she just forget it all again? Why did she have to remember that gentle embrace that offered protection and nurturing as a child, the fluttering of her heart and stomach in her youth when she saw him and the coldness of his eyes when she reached adulthood the first time around? Why did her foolish childs heart have to hold on to a falling dream?

Standing from her bed, she rolled up the sleeves of her nightdress as she made her way over to her study desk. Turning on another small dim light above the workspace, she opened a blank book and set her brush at the ready. As she sat and rubbed the ink stone, she began to think of the words...the flow of the lines...and the flow of her mind with them. Once she had enough ink, she wet her brush in the black liquid and held it just above a blank page. A mantra developed in her mind and her hand soon followed suit with a steady wrist and strokes of her brush upon the paper. As the moments passed, each page she wrote upon and allowed to dry repeated the same phrase; Forget and Let Go. Forget and Let Go.

An hour passed of her writing this same mantra over and over again in page after page, focusing her mind upon it. A deep yawn told her that it was time to put the brush away and try to sleep once more. She carefully put away her work, cleaned off any stray ink from her fingers and then made her way back to her waiting bed. Climbing under the covers, she turned the lights off to bathe herself in darkness once more. Curling amidst the comfort of her soft pillows and warm blankets, she closed her eyes and hoped that her mind would be at peace enough to banish away the memories for now and let her rest.  

[Yaruka]

How long had she been sitting at her desk, doing calligraphy to ease her troubled mind? Minutes? Hours? Possibly days? No, not days.....just hours. MANY hours.

Her nights had gone from sporatic sleep to competely sleepless entirely. Her eyes had begun to develop light lines and distinct shadows under them while she only managed to keep her hair up feebly with a barrette...just enough to keep it out of her face and ink. Her hands ached tiredly and her fingers were smudged slightly with ink from going between writing to sketching in another nearby book with a charcoal stick. If one were to come near her, they would get a mixture of feelings like irritation, anger, sadness and tiredness.

Tsubei couldn't close her eyes without travelling down a horrible road to memories and visions of something she began to resent. She had been doing calligraphy obsessively to try and calm herself down, but it was doing nothing but making her angrier and angrier at the subject of her dreams. She had even sketched his image in her other book, along with visions of flowers that had different meanings. She didn't like the thick feeling of the ink and charcoal on her fingers, but she had tried multiple times to keep them clean. After a while, she stopped caring...but still made sure not to get her clothes dirty. What an odd thing to worry about at a time like this.

After another sharp, jagged stroke she couldn't do it anymore. Her fingers failed her and the brush dropped from her grasp. The pale digits throbbed with a gentle ache that told her enough was enough. Sighing heavily, she decided to stand up and go wash her hands. She could only stand inky fingers for so long. It took a few minutes of hard scrubbing and a lot of soap, but eventually her hands were clean and smelled of some kind of soft scent that she couldn't identify. She had a chance to look at herself in the mirror and realized that she looked like a wreck. She brushed her teeth, took a comforting shower and reapplied her makeup in the hopes to hide the shadows under her eyes (which only slightly worked), then decided to sit and brush her hair out (which looked like a bird had tried to nest in it....a wet bird.)

As she sat upon her bed, running the wooden brush through her soft indigo hair, she had a chance to reflect and realize just how tired she was. And the motion of the brush in her hair.....the gentle lulling feeling.....was making her sleepy. Her head felt so heavy....her eyes slipping closed. Maybe she could rest for just a moment.....

A flash of that beautiful face with those icy cold eyes was all it took for her to jump awake once again with a sharp gasp, the sound of the wooden brush hitting the floor bringing her back to reality. She was still in her room......and still unable to sleep. She sighed heavily and glanced about her room, eyeing the desk that had scattered pages which she crumpled up, a book of calligraphy that was already half full and a small book of sketches of the face she adored and despised. No wonder she was tired. Picking up the brush, she returned to her task.

Once her hair was smooth and silky, she debated putting up in a bun as she normally did. She didn't think that her hands or arms had that kind of strength. For now, she took two large strands from either side of her face and pulled them up and back, clipping them back firmly with the barrette so they would hold her long hair back. It was passable.....and she rather liked it like that. She hardly ever had her hair down except when sleeping. Perhaps it wasn't all that appropriate.....but she could care less at the moment. She wanted comfort more than anything.

When she was sure she had strength in her legs again, she stood and moved back to the desk, cleaning up and putting the books in her basket of things she tended to carry around when times were important. It suddenly felt very stuffy in her room. She hadn't come out in a long time, actually. Perhaps she needed to get out of the house.  

[Yaruka]

It hadn't worked. She had honestly tried, attempting to allow herself the freedom to breathe without torment, but it did not work. A park that Tsubei normally loved and found peace in brought none of it to her today. The silence and softness of nature around her only let free thought and memory chain together without interruption...like a waking dream.

As she walked the trek home, she had passed by Setsushi's home and shop. She had paused to gaze at the little house, thinking about stopping by.........but no. Had she not already caused enough grief? Had she not already bothered Setsushi enough, not to mention disturbing Kouyo certainly on more than one ocassion? It was as if she could see the lines of some invisible fence, barring her from a place she had found friends and some comfort in. Still, she was drawn to it.....as if it were calling to her. She deftly ignored the call and turned away, half-walking half-running...running away from attachment, it seemed, back to her home.....her room...and her sanctuary.

Upon entering her room, though, she found that it was much harder to hold herself together. She had set her basket down and pulled out her sketchbook, which was already half-filled with drawings of Tsukiba as she remembered him and those acursed candy-striped flowers.....one of which still inhabited the velveteen cloth and was sitting in her basket at that very moment. The longer she stared at those drawings, the more she felt something rise.....curdling inside of her as her eyes narrowed into an icy glare. Quickly she had moved to lock her door, barring anyone from entering unexpectedly, and just as quickly was let loose an animal.

She had fallen to her knees, slamming the book upon her floor wide open as her hands proceeded to rip out the pages. Her nails clawed at the paper and tore apart the figures upon them. No true coherant thoughts or words could possibly be perceived from her at that moment....nothing but the harsh throbbing of sheer anger. Anger towards the flowers....anger towards him....anger towards herself....anger towards the world....more anger towards herself than anything. Her mind screamed and shouted as her voice refrained from bursting out, except to utter perhaps a small growl every so often with a rip and a tear. So much she had bottled up inside....so much from years back and in recent times....how much longer could she have gone until she had unleashed her fury upon some unsuspecting soul? How terribly embarassing this was for her to behave so childishly. She was glad that she was within the privacy of her own room and self.

The tantrum lasted perhaps only a couple of minutes, but it was exhausting. Tsubei slumped upon herself, breathing heavily as her eyes stared at the bits and pieces, remains of the tainted pages scatterd all over the floor so haphazardly. Her heart was beating quite hard, the surge of adrenaline seeming to fizzle and fade. Her eyes then fell upon one whole page, the jagged torn edges fluttering slightly with each breath that escaped her. She picked it up with a shakey hand, glancing down over the sketched bust of the noble-looking man with the icy eyes. It was the only whole one left of him.

It wafted to the floor slowly as her hand lost its grip. Tsubei's body seemed to faint softly upon her floor, though she was still very much conscious. She felt numb, inside and out. She knew that she was lightly trembling, which was her only real affirmation to reality, but apart from that she felt as though she were floating in a very tiring limbo.

The motion of herself reflected in her full-length mirror caught her attention and she lifted her head to glance upon it. She saw herself, a crumpled lump amidst a sea of paper, and before her eyes she saw herself change. The illusion filtered and seemed to reverse, reflecting herself back when she was still a very young child. She could even see the hopeful infatuation within the image's eyes and she laughed mockingly as the illusion fizzled back to her true reflection. She shook her head lightly.

"Stupid girl.......so very very stupid." She whispered softly to herself. She felt a chill wrap around her heart. Was it self-induced frost or was it actually cold in her room? She couldn't tell. She moved her hand as an affirmation that she could feel again and then pushed herself to sit up once again. Shakingly she rose to her feet, smoothing out her robes and fixing her hair so it was still held back by the barrette. The mask she now wore was one of polite composure, hiding it all once again behind her eyes and the kind smile she always tried to wear. Without a word or thought, she moved into her small closet and pulled out her broom and dustpan, proceeding to sweep up the torn papers into a neat little pile.

"What a mess....what a mess...."  

[Yaruka]

I am glad I brought my journal with me when I went to Setsushi's house. At least I have a confidant.

I'm still at Setsushi's, watching over Silver as he naps. Sweet, silly Silver...I'm so glad he was here. I never thought that he meant so much to me, though I knew he was my friend. Only now have I come to realize that he has been my best friend since we met so long ago. He has always been there, apart from the times where he could not. He still is....to help me and comfort me if he could. I'm glad. I needed a shoulder to cry on.

He misses Tsukiba as well. I know tha the was close to him and thinks fondly of him, so I cannot ever tell him..........just how much I hate Tsukiba. No, that's a lie. I cannot hate him. I still love him. Much as I don't want to admit it, I still do. My heart, foolish as it is, still aches for him and the kindness he once showed me.

I wonder what happened to him? Where is he now? Is he even still alive? Part of me wishes he is....and that I could find him. I have so many things I want to say to him......so many things to ask....and none of which may be heard or have answers to. Perhaps it is those answers and the chance to say what I could not that I yearn for the most. I believe that is what is called 'closure.' Yes, that is what I want. I just want closure. I want to know why he felt it was necessary to give me those flowers. I had gotten the message plenty of times before and was ready to take on the challenge of letting go.....moving on. But it was when he gave me those flowers that everything just crumbled beneath me. Even with the vow I had made, to let my love for him die with every flower until the last faded away...I wasn't strong enough to keep it. I saved the last flower and sequestered it away in that dark drawer where it was lost beneath other things...just like the memory. And I may never see him again...so closure may never come from him. But how can I give it to myself?

Apart from Silver, no one else knows.....at least I don't think. Everyone left when I finally told Silver everything. I am fairly certain that Kouyo was sleeping, so he could not know. Silver told me I should learn to lean on my elders more. How could I possibly do that when I've already burdened enough people with my presence? Who could possibly understand? Setsushi is kind....and reminds me much of Tsukiba....but he is still a maiden. He does not know love and the joys it can bring...nor the suffeirng that the heart endures when it is betrayed or unrequited. Others have people to love and love them in return, so they cannot know of the pain I feel. The rest are just children with no knowledge of the world and such deep things. So I cannot and should not burden anyone with the heaviness of my soul. They do not deserve that torture.

In the end, I suffer alone. No one can understand the pain in my heart....and I cannot allow anyone close enough to. If I did....I shudder to think what could happen. My heart, made of such fragile glass. It has been broken once before and, though put back together again, is still missing pieces. If I let another handle my heart...it might shatter beyond all hope of repairing. I cannot let anyone so close to my heart.

But...what if they are not the ones who break it? What if I am the one who does because I fall in love foolishly all over again? How can I trust my heart to know when to stay away and when to embrace? I can't....I cannot trust myself.

This remaining flower. I know I must do what I should have done long ago. With its petals, I shall scatter my love to the wind and lock the doors around my heart so I will never be hurt again.

Name, take these withered petals with the wind into your gentle embrace. Take with them this childs foolish dream and scatter it to the Heavens. Give me the strength and the courage to overcome my pain and protect my undeserving heart. Give me the knowledge to tred lightly as I walk the path of life and remind me the dangers of love, so that I may not drown in a sea of wasted tears.  

[Yaruka]

It was quite dark when Tsubei returned home. Many of the house residents were already asleep. All for the better.....Tsubei did not want anyone to see her.

She snuck in through one of the back doors and tread her way quietly to her room. Her legs were burning and felt weak from her run, but she failed to even notice or didn't seem to care. Her eyes were red and sore, dried of all the tears she could cry for now, having left a fair trail in her footsteps.

She had pulled out a a large fabric bag from beneath her bed and had already busied herself grabbing clothes and other necessities, placing them into the bag. Her mind was focused, tunnel-visioned as she packed various things that she needed and wanted to have with her. She shook as she tried to gather her things quietly, which promoted some things to fall on the ground. She cursed herself internally as she hoped she didn't wake anyone.

The clattering of noise and the faint rushed feelings had awoken Ren'i from his rather blissful sleep. He rose grumpily and decided to investigate the noise-maker. The sounds led him to....Tsubei's room? That was odd. He rubbed his bleary eyes as he peeked in to see the girl he lived with pulling things from her drawers and placing them in a bag.

What is Tsubei doing? And why is she doing it so loudly?

The boy's thoughts were quite the start to her, causing her to jump and freeze in place as she looked up to him. Oh dear, she had woken him...and he had seen her. She had hoped that no one would know, but now......

Just packing a few things. Tsubei is.......going away for a while. Her hesitant thoughts reached him as she packed her brush and zipped up the bag.

Ren'i watched her as she still packed even after he had intruded. Going away? Going where? Didn't she just get back from somewhere?

Where is Tsubei going? Setsushi's house? He had to ask, his curiosity overwhelming him as he stood in her doorway in his pijamas.

She looked up to him when he asked, and felt pained when she saw his honest gaze. Her own was filled with sadness and a hint of the hurt she was feeling, but she never let him know the depths of it. She looked away from him, down at her filled bag.

No....not to Setsushi's. Tsubei can't go back there. She's caused too much trouble. She pulled the bag over her shoulders so her back could support it, turning to her writing desk so she could scribble down a note in Gaian.

Her words confused him even moreso. If she wasn't going to Setsushi's, then where WAS she going?

How long will Tsubei be gone? Shouldn't she tell Yaruka and Setsushi? He gently inquired, getting rather concerned as he felt her flowing emotions.

His question was almost enough to make her start crying again. Once her note was finished, she walked over to him.

Tsubei is not sure how long she will be gone....but it is something she has to do....and she has to do it alone. Tsubei cannot tell anyone else....and neither can Ren'i. She looked at him seriously. Will Ren'i promise not to tell Yaruka or Setsushi that Tsubei has left? She has burdened them all enough. Can he just tell them that she will be fine?

Ren'i suddenly felt very uncomfortable about this situation. What she was making him promise was very very difficult. Sure, he had thought many times about running away himself, but he never had done it. He knew it would only make others worry even more than they already did. What Tsubei was doing was dangerous..but she was older than he was, so perhaps she knew enough to keep herself safe. Still.....

"I.....I promise." He stammered hesitantly.

Tsubei smiled softly, though it did not reach her eyes. Like many of her smiles nowadays, they never did. She leaned down and gave Ren'i a firm, yet gentle hug. She knew he didn't really like being touched, but it could be perhaps the last time she may see him. For days....weeks....months or even years. She softly patted him on his back, then let go and walked down the hall a bit before turning back to him.

"Goodbye, Ren'i. Take care." She spoke softly, then turned and walked back down the hall......back to the door she had snuck in from and back out into the darkness. With a small flashlight as her lantern, she made her way to destinations yet unknown......save for one she knew she could feel safe and feel free. How long she would be gone, she did not know. She only knew that, for now, she had to get away so that she could gather herself together and take the final step to heal. She was not foolish, though. She would not go far and would not be gone long, she hoped.

Ren'i flinched a bit when Tsubei hugged him, feeling like his space was greatly invaded.....but he could feel a sadness and regret radiating from her heart. He watched her leave, feeling uncomfortable yet again.

He looked over to her desk, curious of the note she had written. He couldn't resist. He walked over and picked up the paper, but found that there were many words that he did not understand just yet. He was still new to reading and writing Gaian, but he did see a few words that told him this wasn't a good thing. He spent a few moments sitting on her bed, wondering what to do as his conscience pulled him in different directions.

In the end, he did the right thing. He took the note and went to Yaruka's room. She had to know....and perhaps would know what to do.  

[Yaruka]

In a nearby park, just outside of the edge of Barton, hidden somewhere amidst the bushes that made up the greenery, a pair of bleary amethyst eyes were opening. It had to have been sometime near noon, or early afternoon when Tsubei finally woke. Still huddled in her cloak and blanket upon the chilled grass, it had been another cold night...but she had delt with it. She had managed to dress warmly the day before in a store restroom, disguising herself with Gaian clothes and pulling her hair up into a high ponytail. Apart from her makeup, which she still applied normally, no one would suspect her as being someone completely different. The past two nights had been rough on her. In fact, her legs still hurt quite a bit.

The night before last, she had run away from home and everything that had hurt her....or that she had hurt. After the incident with Kouyo, she couldn't stand it. She had only stopped to grab necessities and then leave. Where was she going? She wasn't quite sure. She only knew that she was of no good to anyone in her current state and had to find a way to rid herself of this pain in her heart that was causing her to hurt others as well. Yesterday she had managed to get into Barton, where she mostly stuck around the parks and shopped as was necessary. She had gotten some odd looks and inquiries as to where her parents were (for she looked awfully young to be wandering around on her own.) She had managed to deal with it with a few convincing words and the necessary gold which she had saved from her allowance from Yaruka. Today, after spending a cold night in the park, she brushed her hair as she thought of what she had to do. It was the first in a line of perhaps many that would help her. Once her hair was back in its ponytail and she had packed up her things again, she pulled out from the bag the wrapped up dried flower. It was as good a time as any, she supposed. Pulling her bag upon her back again, she walked her way into Barton.

Nearby the fountain in the center of town, Tsubei finally stopped. There was a good breeze in the air. Excellent. Holding the flower close to her heart, she closed her eyes and made perhaps her most earnest prayer and wish. Her palms closed and crushed the flower as she wished, calling to Name to help her in this venture. With her hands trembling, she opened her palms and let the wind take the crushed petals. She watched as they swirled and flew away from her, a tear in her eye which she brushed away. Her legs felt suddenly weak as she sat herself upon the edge of the fountain, listening to the running water as she felt a great weight lifted from her shoulders and heart. But still......something was not right. What should she do now?

She couldn't go back yet. Certainly she had taken care of something long overdue, but she had done so much harm. Could she ever undo it? Perhaps she could somehow find a portal back to the Silver World, where she felt welcome and might even find some answers.....or somewhere else that might be of help. She told herself that was almost impossible, since the portal she came through seemed to have disappeared after she was through. So out went that idea. But what then? The grumbling of her stomach told her that she wouldn't be able to do anything without a meal first.

With that in mind, Tsubei made her way to a close cafe where she could get something to eat, all the while looking around for anyone she might recognize.  

[Yaruka]

Birds chirping and the sound of voices calling from somewhere in the distance promoted Tsubei to awaken begrudgingly. Her body was stiff and cold......and her head felt pressured and hurting. Though she dressed quite warmly, the night had been particularly frigid. Once again, she took shelter in the bushes of a park somewhere near Barton. Tsubei didn't want to move.

A sneeze coupled with a cough told her that she was starting to get sick. Oh great....just what I need. She thought to herself, groaning grumpily as she forced herself to move. Sitting upright caused the pressure in her head to worsen with the pain, but she knew she couldn't continue to lie around. A coughing fit spurred and she covered her mouth, hoping no one could hear her. This wasn't good. She couldn't travel or do what she needed to if she was ill. It was best for her to get some medicine and then a hot meal to help drive away the cold. She was rather glad that she had saved most of her allowance over the years, rather than spent it. Once she had groomed herself and made herself look presentable, she headed to the nearest drug store she could find. Naturally, it was in Barton, which would take a little more effort than usual to get there. She felt so heavy suddenly.

Once Tsubei was actually in Barton, she found she was a lot weaker than she counted on. She was already out of breath and her joints were hurting her. The cold weather didn't do much good for that. This was her third day 'on the run' from herself and already it was turning into a disaster. She should have known better; she always got sick during the winter time. Not to mention that she had already gotten sick in the Silver World...so her immune system was already on a downward slope. She was glad when she got to a drug store and found some cold medicine, as well as some cough syrup to silence herself. After avoiding the concerned looks from the cashier and other patrons, she made her way to a restaurant.

After ordering a hearty hot meal, she found a chance to take the medicine. It would be a while until they kicked in, but she could wait while she was eating. While she waited for her food, she pulled out her sketchbook and turned to her most recent work-in-progress, which made her face fall. Her pale fingers traced over the lines that made the face of a familiar sad high priest. She had begun that sketch when she had somehow managed to offend Kouyo, which caused him to be angry at her and, thusly, had caused her a lot of hurt and spurred her to take this journey. As she sipped her hot tea, Tsubei wished for nothing more than the power to turn back the hands of time.

She could have stopped herself from offending Kouyo....she could have stopped herself from offending her friends....and perhaps she could have stopped herself from falling for Tsukiba. If she could right that then, maybe, everything would change for the better. Of course, she had no such power. She was not in control of the Water-Wheel of Time and did not know of anyone who was. So much to regret.....so much she wished she could change.....but at least she had taken one vital step and had let go of that painful attachment. Her heart was now locked up tight and protected from such things happening again. So what did she have to worry about? Apart from herself.....indeed, that was her worry. Would she be the one to violate those barriers around her own heart? Would she let herself fall prey to foolish infatuation once again? Could it have been happening even as she spoke?

No. No such thing. It was far too soon. It was merely the regret that she had caused emotional harm to someone else because of her own torment. She glanced down to the sketch of Kouyo and wished she could speak to him in person....to apologize and beg for his forgiveness, if there was any to be had. She should have explained herself....but how could she do those things without making a total fool of herself? Did she even possess the right words? Her hand found the pencil in her bag and had begun to finish what she had started as she pondered what she could do to right this. She looked over then to the small vase on the table, seeing the white carnation that was nestled amidst the fake greens for decoration.

An idea struck her. Perhaps, instead of her voice or thoughts speaking for her, maybe the flowers could speak for her. She thought through the various flowers and their meanings in her mind, trying to find the right one. Her hand absently sketched out one that she would find perfect; a hyacinth. It wouldn't be just any old hyacinth, though. The color spoke different messages entirely. She was glad when her meal arrived, which she asked for more hot tea with, for it would satisfy her base need and allow her mind more freedom to think properly.

She knew already, though, that her next stop that day would be the Barton Flowershop. With the warmth of the restaurant and food, as well s the medicine in her system relieving her aching body, she knew she would have little trouble finding what she needed. Her biggest concern, though, was shelter for the night. As it got progressively colder, it seemed her health was more in danger. She was not one to just ask to stay somewhere and she still did not feel she could return home.....or to the udon-ya. She knew she would eventually have to go back to Setsushi's so she could deliver her message, but that was just a brief visit in which she could run quickly away before anyone suspected her of being there. Even if her apology was rejected, she would be able to spare herself of knowing. All that mattered was that she somehow tried to make things right.

Her enjoyment of her food was quick to put aside her worries for the moment. Nothing soothed the soul and the sickly body like a hot meal.  

[Yaruka]

Things seemed like they had gone from bad to worse overnight.....quite literally. Though Tsubei had taken shelter in the Barton train station, her sleep was often disrupted by noises and her cold. Overnight, she had contracted a rather bad fever and it was providing her dreams with.....rather strange elements. She could hear a voice talking to her that wasn't her own or anyone that she had known, showing her things that didn't make sense or seemed surreal, as though she could feel and sense it all and yet had that dreamscape transparancy. It asked her questions that she had often asked herself, but seemed to be demanding her for the answers while, at the same time, offering comfort and understanding. Such a two-faced and wishy-washy thing was confusing and frustrated her....and yet was moving enough to bring her to tears. What was it, though? Was it her subconscious?

Such questions only made her head pound more as she sat upon the train station bench, her blanket still wrapped around her long after she had awakened. She couldn't stop trembling, and yet her face felt warm. Another reason she hated being sick; mixed feelings. She felt freezing cold, and yet her cheeks were red with fever. She took more of her medicine, hoping it would help stave off this whirlpool of sickness. With great force of will, she made herself stand up so she could pack her things and get moving again. Her joints ached and her head was swimming in a dizzy spell, but she pushed her way through it so she could pack her things in frustration.

She felt horrid, and not just because of her illness. She always seemed to fumble with everything......she couldn't even run away right. She felt weak and useless, amidst all the guilt and regret. Much to her shagrin, she realized that if she remained out on her own for much longer, she might not survive. She had to go back home.

Tsubei shuddered, but whether it was from the disappointment at her own bitter failure or from her rapidly worsening cold was undetermined. She hoped that Yaruka would not be angry with her, for surely she had to have known by now that she was missing. It had been four days....or was it five? She couldn't tell anymore. Time didn't seem to matter much anymore, and neither did reason or reality. Her visioned seemed to waver and blurr at times, which made it more difficult to navigate confidently around town. She hadn't made it to the flower shop the other day, for she found herself far too tired. This time, she HAD to make sure that she made it. She had already failed one mission.......she couldn't let herself fail another.

Seeing the shop window with its beautiful display of various bouquets, she felt a lot of relief. She had actually made it there. Once inside, which felt like a greenhouse from heaven, she looked carefully through the choices of flowers. So many that were not even supposed to be blooming this time of year....and all of them beautiful...but only one kind did she have in mind. Finally, she saw it and asked the clerk to wrap up a dozen of them into a bouquet. While that was being arranged, she took out her blank book and tore out a piece of paper as neatly as possible, also setting up her portable calligraphy set. Her brush being held carefully, she scripted a thoughtful note that she would fold and place with the bouquet. After paying for her purchase, she left quickly so no questions could be asked.

Glancing down at the bouquet of purple hyacinths, she knew her next destination was going to be a hard one to approach..but it had to be done. With this in mind, she turned and trecked her way towards Setsushi's house, praying that she would make it and be able to deliver this message inconspicuously...if she could silence her coughing long enough.  

[Yaruka]

It wasn't much farther, right? She could make it.....she HAD to make it. She could see the house just down the block. Now..which one was it again?

They all looked alike to Tsubei's blurring eyes. She walked careful steps, for she felt dizzy every so often, and clutched the bouquet of flowers she had bought to her chest. She would not let them hit the ground. They might get damaged. She didn't want that. They had to be perfect. She paused in her walk and squinted her eyes just a bit so she could make out the buildings around her. After a couple moments, she finally distinguished the flaps of the udon-ya just a few buildings down. Wasn't it closer just a moment ago? Oh well....must press on.

It was only a few steps later that she discovered that the world was starting to spin. Each step stumbled over the other as she seemed to waver, her balance failing her. Perhaps she should rest just a moment......

No! She couldn't let this deter her. She had a mission and it had to be fulfilled. The cold ground did feel comfortable, though. Wait...how did she end up on the ground? She felt the chilled stone of the sidewalk against her cheek and lifted her head up to look around, confused as to when she had actually fallen. She could see the bouquet had fallen with her and landed just out of her reach. Oh no.....they were going to be damaged. She tried to push herself up, finding that her arms had suddenly become very weak. She couldn't even lift herself up. She had to try.....she had to get the flowers off of the ground. She tried to reach for it, her fingers barely grazing the plastic wrapping. It seemed so far away.

Dear gods, she felt so tired from that exhurtion. Everything made her tired....even thinking. Was this how dying felt? So tiring and uncomfortable? She felt tears trying to form as the thought of ultimate failure approached her. She was too weak to even cry....how horrible...and no one that was around even seemed to notice. She supposed that there was nothing much more she could do except....wait for the end. Her eyes closed as she braced herself for her last breath.

She suddenly felt weightless....or rather being lifted. Something soft wrapped around her. It was warm and felt like feathers. She opened her blurred eyes just a bit, barely making out a figure with wings that seemed to be wrapped around her. An angel? So, it really was the end for her. Oh well. She tried. At least the angel of Death had gentle arms and would carry her away from her suffering. This rather macabre thought brought a smile to her face before she finally fell into a rather fuzzy darkness, a gentle voice heard at a distance. It sounded.....familiar.

"My poor child. Time to take you home."

*****************

Something smelled sweet.....airy.....and fresh. Was it Heaven? Was the softness she felt beneath her a cloud that she was floating upon? Heaven was warm and comfortable. She wondered what it must look like. Carefully, Tsubei opened her eyes.

As her visioned cleared, she noticed that it all looked very familiar...a lot like her room, actually. She slowly looked around at her surroundings, discovering that a stick of burning incense was the root of the sweet smell. This actually WAS her room. Which meant....she was still alive. But how? She pushed herself to sit up, but found that was a very bad idea. Dizziness washed over her and she fell back upon her soft pillows with a soft whimper.

"You shouldn't sit up so soon. You need to rest."

The familiar and rather angelic voice belonged to none other than Yaruka, who had come into Tsubei's room with a small bowl of ice water and a washcloth in her hands. Her emerald green eyes looked upon the Porcelain girl with gentleness as she walked over and set the bowl down on Tsubei's bedside dresser-table. Once the washcloth was wet with the icy cold water and wrung out properly, she gingerly dabbed it on Tsubei's heated forehead.

"Y..Yaruka?" Tsubei heard her quiet voice, which actually sounded hoarse and cracked. From her coughing, most likely. The cold washcloth felt so good as it soothed the heat in her face.

How did Tsubei get here? She inquired softly.

"Easy...I followed you." Yaruka spoke in a very gentle tone, which was a relief for Tsubei as she had quite the headache. "I looked for you in your room and found you weren't there. When I passed by Setsushi's later on, I peeked in and saw you weren't there, either. Naturally, I flew out to look for you.

"I saw you by the fountain when you released those petals. I could sense the turmoil in you, so I let you be. I kept my eye on you, though. I often flew high above Barton so I could watch you....just in case you needed help." She paused and offered Tsubei a spoonful of the cough syrup that the Porcelain had bought.

Tsubei listened to her caretaker and gratefully took the cough syrup, hoping it would help to sooth her sore throat. So....she wasn't alone after all. Yaruka had watched her the entire time from above. At first she thought to blame Ren'i for telling, but then remembered that Yaruka said that she discovered her absence on her own. She looked away, feeling sheepish and rather ashamed of herself for many reasons.

Doesn't Yaruka want to know why Tsubei ran away?

Yaruka smiled softly to the Porcelain that she looked upon as a daughter. How long had she been suffering in silence? She knew it was not her place to ask, but she did wish that Tsubei trusted her a bit more to be able to tell her when she was hurting inside.

"No. It's really none of my business why you did what you did....but I don't want you to scare me like that again." She chided her gently as she refreshed the washcloth and let it sit upon Tsubei's fevered head. "If you ever feel like you need to leave for a bit, just tell me next time. I can make sure that you will be able to stay somewhere warm and safe, so you won't get sick or be hurt. Do you understand?"

Ruefully, Tsubei nodded. Yaruka was right. She had been very foolish to make such a rash choice in running off without proper arrangements for her well-being. How was it that she managed to keep on making bad decisions? She suddenly remembered something very important and turned to Yaruka.

Tsubei had a bouquet of flowers. What happened to it?

"Don't worry, I put it in a safe place. I have them in some water so they won't wilt. You can give them to Kouyo when you are well again." Yaruka smiled to Tsubei sweetly.

Tsubei looked at Yaruka rather curiously. How did she know that the flowers were for Kouyo? Oh...of course. Yaruka had learned some of the Porcelain script from her books. She sighed a bit and looked up at her ceiling. She had still failed. Even with her trying, she had failed miserably to complete either mission. And now she was so weak and sick she couldn't even sit up without feeling like the world was moving beneath her.

Could Yaruka do Tsubei a favor? "Can you take the flowers to Kouyo for me?" She asked quietly, almost as if she were afraid to ask this of her guardian.

Yaruka listened carefully as she refreshed the washcloth yet again with more cold water, setting it on Tsubei's forehead once more.

"Of course I can. You just focus on resting and getting better, alright?" She smiled to her and stood up slowly. "You should get some sleep. If you feel like you can stomach some food later on when you wake up, I'll make you some of my special vegetarian soup. Would you like that?"

Yes. Tsubei would like that very much. She smiled weakly to Yaruka before she settled down beneath the warm blankets of her bed. Indeed, sleep did sound nice. She felt so tired still and her bed was so comfortable.

She had made a rather foolish choice and now Fate was punishing her for it. At least it was a punishment she could recover from....and she was alive. That meant that she still had a chance to make things right somehow, even if it meant having to return to Setsushi's house and actually face Kouyo and the others again. She would be breaking her promise of self-exile, but perhaps it had to be done.

She was far too tired to think anymore. With a yawn, she finally closed her eyes and drifted away into warm, comfortable dreams. For once, she would not be haunted by visions of Tsukiba and the past that had hurt her. All was finally peaceful. Perhaps she HAD succeeded in some small way.

Yaruka watched from Tsubei's doorway until the girl finally fell asleep. She smiled sadly, feeling terribly for her. She, too, knew the pain of heartbreak. She had experienced it many times herself. Still, she could not possibly know the depths of it as Porcelain could, for she was not as emotionally driven. She could only hope to offer some kind of understanding.

She turned off the lights in the room and walked out to prepare dinner for the household and the special dish for Tsubei, if she felt she could eat when she awoke.  

[Yaruka]

It had been a couple of days since Yaruka had brought her home, but Tsubei was finally starting to feel better. Somehow, the soup that Yaruka made always had some kind of property to it that managed to make someone feel better or stronger. She knew that Yaruka was a magical being, of course, but never really thought that much about it until now. What a benefit.

Still, she was cooped up in her room, by doctor's orders, for three days. This frustrated her greatly. What a waste of time! She couldn't do stretches or exercises to keep herself limber and strong, she couldn't practice her dancing....she couldn't even do her calligraphy or sewing. Granted, it did give her time to write down a story she had to tell....but all of this stagnance angered her. She longed to be doing something more productive than lying there like an invalid. Even now, as she sat and wrote upon a notebook that Yaruka brought her, she found it hard to contain her frustration. Even writing it down on paper didn't seem to help....not to mention the repetativeness of it was causing her fingers to cramp.

In the middle of writing yet another sentence that spoke of her frustrations, her hand pained her greatly. She yelped in pain and had dropped her pencil. As she rubbed her aching hand, she hoped that she might not have to take this much longer. There was so much she still needed to do.....so much unfinished business. She kenw that she would not be able to complete them if she was weak and ill, though, so she had to put up with it....for at least one more day. Now......where did that pencil go?

She looked up to see that it had rolled off of the notebook and far away from her all the way down to the foot of her bed. She reached to try and grab for it with just the slight hope that her arms might be long enough to reach it. No such luck. Oh, this made her so much more angry! If only the pencil would just come to her! Oh how she wished that the pencil would just roll towards her on its own as though she were pulling it wil invisible strings....inching towards her just like it was right now. Wait........

Did she really just see that? She could have sworn that she saw the pencil starting to move towards her as she wished it would. Of course now it was sitting still, but it had moved up to where her feet were distinguishable beneath her blankets. She sat there, staring at the pencil for a moment. That had never happened before. She wondered if she could do it again. She held her hand out in front of her and began to think hard, imagining the pencil moving towards her. It didn't seem to be working right away so she willed a bit harder, believing that she was somehow pulling towards her with invisible strings. Lo and behold, it started to roll slowly towards her until it finally stopped at her fingertips.

Tsubei stared at the pencil in wonderment. How in the world had that happened? She had never done anything like that before. She wondered where this had come from....the transformation, perhaps? Or had it always been lying dorment within her? Oy.....too much thinking again. Her head was hurting. Had willing the pencil towards her somehow drained her of energy?

She set everything aside and laid back on her pillows, closing her eyes as she wondered more and more. Perhaps she would be able to hone it with practice so that it wasn't so hard....or was it just a one-time thing? She would have to discover another day. This headache was making her rather sleepy...  

[Yaruka]

Tsubei had been relieved when she woke up and found that her fever had finally broken. Her sinuses were clearing so her headaches had all but disappeared. She finally felt like the Earth was stable beneath her and not going to turn into soup so that she might drown in it. Hm...what an odd analogy, not to mention the visual that came with it. It was amusing enough to make her giggle. Wow, she hadn't laughed in a while. It felt good.

Still, she was told she had to have one more day of mostly bedrest so her body could rest from the battle and start to grow stronger again. It would take work on her part after today, with more exericise and such, but she expected as much. Another day confined to her room actually gave her time to ponder things.....more specifically about things that seemed to move at her command. Yesterday, the thing with the pencil intrigued her greatly. Though, once her fever had broken, she wasn't sure if she had just been hallucinating that it happened or not. She now sat upon her floor with various objects set around her in a half circle.

A book, a pencil, a piece of paper and a tennis ball were settled before her. She had spent a good deal of the morning trying to summon the power back. She had managed to succeed, but in small measures. She had moved the pencil back and forth just a bit and seemed to rustle and barely lift the open book's pages in an attempt to turn them. The tennis ball had rolled slightly.....and what was the paper for? That was a project she had not tried yet, but it had a purpose. Now, in the afternoon, she sat before them all....staring in contemplation as she tried to concentrate on this strange new ability. Though, the more she concentrated and tried to think about it, the harder it seemed to be for her. How had she managed it the last time, then? Perhaps because she had only one thought in mind....the movement of the pencil. Perhaps what she needed was a clear mind?

Once she lit a stick of incense upon its burner, which also sat near her, Tsubei let the sweet gentle scent fill her senses as she closed her eyes. She began to meditate, letting each breath in fill her lungs and gather her tensions and troubles, releasing them with each exhale. She found that it was much easier to clear her mind and soul of the clutter and useless back-thoughts. Why was this? Perhaps because she had released a great chain on her heart, which lightened her load. It was a true relief. When her mind was clear, she opened her eyes slowly and looked down to the tennis ball. She could see it moving; no force or power to hold it from her will wrapping around it and moving it. As she thought of this and focused on the ball, implying that it should roll to the left. She watched as it twitched and actually rolled to the left. She refrained from going crazy over this and rather wished that it would move to the right. Again, it did just as she willed it to. She thought of something a bit more complicated and watched as it slowly rolled around in a circle. It jerked a bit as it stalled a couple times, but it did a complete circle before she finally let it alone. The ball was definitely easier to move than the pencil, so she would use it to practice.

This was interesting. Her eyes then drifted to the incense, watching the smoke trail up slowly into the air. Hmm....air. That reminded her of the day she released the petals to the wind. She had seen in her mind the visual of the petals swirling up towards the sky and the wind that caught the flower remains had done just that, as if it had read her mind.....at least for a moment. She wondered if she could move the air as she had moved the other objects? She had read in her books from the Silver World about the Elements. Each of them delt with different things about the world and the magics that connected them. Heaven, for instance, was about the movement of space and things, air, time and abstract thought. With this in mind, she decided to do yet another experiment.

She watched the smoke trail move and swirl of its own accord for a while until she decided she might try to capture it...or rather, the air within it. She imagined watching air flowing in the same stream of the smoke, which would serve to identify it. She imagined the air within the smoke moving as she willed it, moving it in a spiral to the sky. It didn't seem to be working. Perhaps it needed more physical direction? She reached out her hand and held it just above where the smoke seemed to dissapate. She moved it around in a circle to indicate the spiral in which the air in and around the smoke should flow. It was small at first....perhaps just the normal movement of the air with her motions...but soon it seemed that the air took the smoke with it and formed a slow spiraling movement. She could almost feel the air tickling her palm as it moved to her will.

This was all exciting to her and eventually she couldn't hold her concentration any longer. She released her will and watched the smoke revert to its usual path. She felt a bit weary, but nothing that wouldn't be cured with a bit of relaxing. Now that she knew she had this, she would try and strengthen it. Setsushi, after all, could move water and work wonders with it. Perhaps she could master the movement of air and other things. This new discovery gave her a purpose and something to look forward to, apart from returning to sewing again and practicing her calligraphy. It made her feel rather special.

For now, though, she stopped her practicing and discoverings. She had a warm bath and some good food to look forward to, and then she would rest. Soon, she would be able to return to the world of the mobile and return to Setsushi's house. The thought of the impending meeting made her heart twist nervously, for though Yaruka had told her what Kouyo had said, she still wondered if tensions would be high. Of course they would be there, but the intensity of them was something she was unsure of. Despite all of that, she had promised to tell him her story...and so she would. Whether or not he listened was up to him. Regardless of it all, she still wanted to make amends somehow for her harshness. She would find a way.

Right.....off to the bath. Mmmm, scented oils and theraputic salts. She would feel most refreshed.  

[Yaruka]

In the last two days, since her fever had broken, Tsubei had continued to practice with this newfound ability of hers. The tennis ball was proving a useful aid, as was incense smoke and, to some degree, paper bits. She had been getting much better and had even managed to make the ball levitate a bit off the ground. She should have felt proud of herself.....but the problem was that she didn't.

The doctor had pronounced the throes of her sickness past and had thus freed her of her quarantine. She was free to fly again and do the things she wanted, and yet she had chosen to dawdle around the house. She had kept trying to make excuses for herself; wishing to practice her abilities, catching up on her reading, wanting to try to start a new sewing project, needing to catch up with her flowers.......in fact, she was in the greenhouse now.

She was wandering through the aisles of flora, a watering can in one hand and a shaker bottle of plant food in the other. She tended to each plant carefully and with equal love, enjoying the summer warmth of the greenhouse that shut out the winter chill. She loved her flowers so much and felt horrible to have been forced to neglect them. She would tend to them now as she always had, admiring their lush colors and the different types, all standing together to paint a beautiful picture of life. Tsubei's favorites had to be her collection of orchids. The delicate flowers reminded her of herself and she took the greatest care of them. They, like her, were fragile in nature and needed the love and attention of gentle hands that knew how to care for them. Her smile was sad for a brief moment as she caressed the soft blossoms, then slipped into a nearby bench with a soft sigh.

In truth, she did not feel quite free. She wanted to return to Setsushi's....but something held her back. Fear ahd uncertainty had a grip on her heart as she worried that, perhaps, her apology had not been received well. Perhaps Kouyo did not care to hear her story and would refuse to even see her.....perhaps call her a foolish, stupid child for wasting his time and energy with her nonsence fairy tale. Even if it wasn't nonsence, she had to wonder if it was even a story worth telling. After all, who was she to him but a foolish young woman? Who was she to anyone except just that?

She was a withering orchid that had foolishly tried to grow and bloom far from the rest, reaching for the beautiful rose but catching her poor petals upon its thorns, leaving her wounded and vulnerable. And she would continue to wither, alone by her childish choice and caught between her fellow flowers and the beauty she could not touch.

Tsubei did not want to be like that....but what were her choices? She could at least try to return to Setsushi's, even if she never told her story. She could at least try to return things to a semblance of normal, if nothing else. She shuddered as she dreaded the idea a bit, but she could not continue running away.  

[Yaruka]

In many ways, I feel relieved and lighter. And yet in so many others, I'm quite confused.

I told Kouyo my story, which took more effort than I realized. Yet I did do it, and I feel as though the burden were lighter upon my soul having shared the tale with another. It helped that seeing Kouyo coated with dust like a chinchilla was rather humorous, so I did not feel quite as nervous. The image of him with round fuzzy ears and gray fur is going to bring me giggles for quite a while.

There was something about Kouyo that I noticed which I had not seen before, most likely because I was blinded by my own turmoil. When the subject turns to affection or love of any kind, he changes. It may not be that dramatic compared to what I know of him, but still...I can see it. I can hear it in his voice and feel it in his thoughts. The tone he holds with it is...monotonous. It's practiced, to the point that I believe he could even recite it in his sleep if he were promoted to do so. It's all very familiar, as I have done such things myself before. Therefore, I know he is lying to me and to himself.

I could never say this aloud, though. I do not know what he is lying about or trying to hide, but if it is a matter of the heart, then I can surely understand his reasons to hide it. Sometimes it's best to pretend as if one knows nothing or very little. It can save you the pity of others and those that somehow make it their mission to try and "help" you. It's trying enough when you're attempting to deal with everything yourself, but when another comes into the picture claiming they have the key to help you overcome things and open your heart again.....it can take one to places they dont wish to go, even down violent roads. The meddlings of others can make one wish to never step outside or let their hearts have freedom.

I've already made such a choice. My heart is locked behind closed doors, with only a few windows with which it can view and be viewed by the outside world. It is fragile and foolish, desperate at times. It reaches out for the first chance of love and clings with rediculous hope, even when the object of its affections cuts away at it with blades. It will not learn and will not release until it is shattered apart and bleeds to the point of death. I cannot let it destroy itself, or me. I am afraid of the consiquences if I give my heart so freely away again. Even if I do find someone I wish to be with, who wishes to be with me, I do not think that I can truly give my heart to them in utter freedom. How can I be sure that they will not smash it once they are able to hold it? What if they treat me with gentleness and kindness just so that they can take my heart and then treat it with utter cruelty?

I can have friends....I can care for others and perhaps get close, but can I ever truly love? It may be too dangerous...but if the road becomes too lonely, perhaps I can find a companion at least. Dreams of anything more than that are much too far for me to reach.

I still have time, though. Perhaps things will change...but I will walk the road cautiously and keep the doors locked. It is all I can do...keep pretending until somehow it is deemed safe for the truth to be known. Will there ever be such a time?  

[Yaruka]

Tsubei had almost lost track of how much time she had been spending in her room...at least until Christmas rolled around. That was the only thing that clued her in on just how many days she had been secluded away, obsessively working on something that struck a chord of inspiration in her. She had to break away for at least a moment to celebrate with the family and it was a nice break.

Spending time with the others was wonderful and though presents were nice, perhaps her most favorite part was the family's annual music time. Those with the most beautiful voices (Yaruka and Lirael among them) gathered to sing carols and play music together, while others would perform dances. In a way, it was like a small pagaent, similar to what they did on Halloween and their performance of Sweeney Todd. Even Ren'i joined in for his first Gaian Christmas, which was made very momentous with the gift of a beautiful custom-made Stratavarius violin. He used it to play a rather tear-jerking solo of Silent Night. Tsubei had to admit that he truly had a gift. Though she herself could play a harp with skill, she had none of Ren'i's true natural talent.

It wasn't until those who formed a small symphony gathered together (including herself) to play the opening to Swan Lake that she found her real inspiration. As she played her part with the harp, and the eerie-yet-beautiful music swelled and filled the air, she had closed her eyes and envisioned herself as Odette, dancing with such sorrowful grace......and it was in that moment that she felt the passion to create arise. For the past few days she had spent in her room, she had been trying to busy herself with designing another costume project. She wanted it to be for herself and had wanted it to be grand, but just couldn't seem to come up with something that met the standard she had set in the Silver World with her Cold Maiden idea, which she still had the designs for. When they had played that song, she found her vision finally coming to life.

After it was all over, she immediately returned to her room to make adjustments and sketch furiously. The costume she would make would be dazzling and would meet her previous standard.........no, it would SURPASS her standard! It HAD to. She would stand for nothing less than perfection in this design. Many hours were spent and after a full night of sketching, and a request to study Yaruka's wings, Tsubei was certain that this would be perhaps her greatest work yet.

Even now, she was in her room...sketching and working on the design as she had pristine snow-white fabric strewn about her sewing desk. Sets of it were set aside neatly, cut into specific pieces to match her pattern. She held a piece of fabric, one of many, upon her lap as she sewed precise lines into it with shining silver-gold thread that gleamed so brilliantly when the light hit it. Every stitch had a purpose and followed the invisible lines she saw in her minds eye. Every so often she stopped to turn and look to her reference sketch of Yaruka's wings, then return directly back to work. As she toiled away so fervently, the opening to Swan Lake was playing on constant repeat from the small stereo upon her dresser. Her fingers ached her a bit and, despite wearing thimbles, had managed to p***k them a few times with the needle. And still she did not stop her work, for it seemed she was utterly consumed by it.

Just a few more stitches......and she was done with that pannel. She set it neatly aside in a small pile with others of its like and exhaled deeply. Just a moment's rest from the work, her fingers flexing to get feeling back and remove stiffness from the delicate joints. It felt so fulfilling to spend so much time working on a thing of beauty. A smile was set upon her face as she stared into nothing for a few moments, thinking about her creation and wallowing in the joy it brought her. She could only begin to fathom the elation it would bring when she put it to its true use. A true achievement, indeed.

Speaking of which, she had better practice. Leaving her sewing for a few moments, she got up and strapped to herself what looked like a makeshift belt with big long white ribbons trailing from it. She stood in the open space of her room and waited for the song to come around once more to the beginning. A look of concentration was on her face as she waited for just the right moment. When the music began, so did she. Along with the intensive designing and sewing, she had been honing and practicing with her powers of movement, for it played a crucial part in her vision. At her will, and with the graceful movements of her arms and hands, the air moved through the ribbons as she danced her scripted moves as she read them in her mind. They flowed around her in a beautiful airy way without impeding her steps. When she flared her arms out to the sides, as did the ribbons as though they were tied to her fingers with invisible strings. A rather strange display for some, but it greatly satisfied Tsubei. The more she did it, the better the vision in her head became. Soon she would be able to practice this with the full fabrics and get an idea as to how they should move and be altered accordingly.

Removing the strane belt of ribbons, she returned to her desk to sketch and estimate. Ah yes, this would be her greatest achievement thus far. And once again, she returned to her tedious sewing of patterns into fabric pannels. She wanted so desperately to perform.....but who would the audience be?  

[Yaruka]

Things had been deathly quiet around the house. It might have been frightening, were it not that Tsubei had kept herself quite busy with her projects.

Though the time had passed in which she would focus on more practical subjects, she could not let down the beautiful costume she had begun to sew. It was nearly finished...just nearly. To most it would seem as though it were completed, but Tsubei knew better. She knew that it would not be long before the size it was would not fit her properly any longer. So, she left the stitches loose so that they could be easily altered to fit a larger size. Thusly, it could not be worn fully. She had busied herself making accessories for it, as well, long after the music had ceased.

Once that was done, she turned her attention to focusing on her calligraphy and keeping up with her studies from the Silver World. And, of course, she made time to practice with her new magic. She had learned through her books and the teachings of others that the elemental magics were present in all, though generally focused on one particular element when it came time. Tsubei had surely thought that perhaps she was Earth, but rather it seemed that Heaven had blessed her with its wonderful gift of movement. She was not unhappy with it; if anything, it elated her. The blessed movement of wind and matter had given her much to her dancing and had partially inspired the creation of perhaps her finest work yet. She could feel the wind dancing within her, taking over her very being and using her fingers to work its strings around the air and whatever it could grasp; like a puppetmaster to marrionettes with invisible strings.

She had learned so much on her own in such a short time. Her exercises with the ball and the paper bits were the gateway to greater strength. Soon she was moving bigger objects and pushing the wind to move mostly as she wished it would. She even tried redirecting the flow of a fan. She felt quite proud of herself. Yaruka had been proud of her, as well.....but something didn't feel right.

Apart from Yaruka growing more distant and withdrawn, Tsubei began to miss other people. She had dedicated this time of the year to studying seriously and practically, in honor of Reisho's teachings. She missed him and wondered if he might be well. She missed the Silver World and had heard that some of her friends had left for it not too long ago. She hoped they were well and safe, dreaming already of the day that a portal would open for her as well once more. Who else would she meet then? Would she meet again with Reisho and perhaps see the Lady of the Court, Hiko and fully meet her? Would she see Kyouren and her husband again? Would her mentor be impressed with her achievements and her improved skills? What other momentous events might occur?

Tsubei smiled just slightly and shook her head. She was so ready to grow up again....so wanting to be her true age, or at least closer to it. She was already falling by the wayside of the second chance she was given....or perhaps it was the eagerness to fulfill that chance and truly live the life she was given to start with. Perhaps the second onset of puberty was affecting her in odd ways that she couldn't even fathom. She wished she could talk to someone about it..

But who? Certainly not Kouyo, she had troubled him enough. Yaruka was suffering in her own way and no one else in the house could understand. Ren'i was too young and Unsou was rather intimidating (though she hadn't spoken to her much. It was the look in her eyes that made her heart want to turn and run.) Setsushi.....well, he was kind and gentle, always willing to listen....but he was so busy and there was a gentle pain inside of her that told her it was a bad idea. She sighed softly and realized........she was lonely. She had been so wrapped up in her project that she hadn't really noticed till now. She cursed herself slightly and pulled out her calligraphy tools and notebook.

Once the ink was mixed and the brush readied, with her steady hand and wrist she made her strokes and spoke the mantra in her mind. And still it could not stop the tears from trailing down her painted cheeks, though she continued to make her brush strokes. Her concentration was evident....and still she wished her friends would return quickly.