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 Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:45 pm
 --Greil's Temporary Mercenary Fort, Philadelphia, Earth Airspace November 25, 2007 10:30 AM-- Ike: *Runs around among the cars* Everyone! Wake up! Something's happened! No time to explain! Shinon: *Wakes up* What!? Ike: That's right! Everyone get moving down to--S-Shinon! It's New Year's Day in the author's world, and you DON'T have a hangover? Shinon: Err... Ike: EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S NEW YEAR'S DAY SOMEWHERE AND SHINON ISN'T DRUNK! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!! 1!! *Runs outside screaming.* Gatrie: ...He doesn't know? Shinon: *Sigh* Of course he wouldn't know that I've been drunk so many times that I'm immune to hangovers. He's an idiot. Gatrie: Then... wouldn't you be immune to just getting drunk in the first place? Shinon: Gatrie! You found a brain!? Gatrie: Err... Shinon: EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! GATRIE HAS A BRAIN! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!! 1!! *Runs outside screaming.* Gatrie: ...I don't JUST think about women all the time, you know... *After Ike and Shinon were both calmed down with elephant tranquilizer...* Ike: Okay, everyone. This morning, I was watching the news when they said that John F. Kennedy has mysteriously come back to life and is now campaigning for re-election even as we speak. Titania: That's... odd. Soren: There's only two ways I know of to come back from the dead. First is the Jesus Method, perfectly safe and acceptable. It's so named because the great scientist Jesus perfected the technique around 32 A.D. Friends of his often said it never failed to break the ice at parties. Ike: And the other technique...? Soren: Dark magic. There are various branches, though; there's Necromancy, there's Soul Swapping/Stealing, there's Unicorn Consumption, there's Bacon Mummification, and there's Morphification. Of all these branches, JFK appears to be of the last of the lot. I say this because JFK now has jet-black hair, golden eyes, and blood red lips. Ike: There's only one person who can be behind this! ...Right? Soren: Correct. The main villain from FE7, a dark druid named Nergal, arguably the only truly awesome villain from the Fire Emblem series. I think it's safe to assume now that Nergal and Vader are working together. Even if they're not, however... JFK is a morph, and he must be stopped!
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:50 pm
--Washington D.C., Earth Airspace November 25, 2007 1:00 PM-- JFK: This is a message from Lord Nergal: "I shall pwn all you n00bs". This is a message from... Ike: John F. Kennedy, we're here to stop you! Sure, Bush isn't the greatest, but that doesn't mean you can just push him out so Nergle can take over! Soren: *Sigh* JFK: *Draws his sword and charges at Ike* Ike: *Draws Ragnell and exchanges blows for a few seconds, then slices JFK in twain.* Ha! Take that! Who's the n00b now? JFK: *Regenerates* This is a message from Lord Nergal: Ike: What!? Mia: That's not good! How are we supposed to stop JFK if he keeps coming back? *Joins in with Ike and the two keep pwning JFK only to have him get up again.* Rhys: Err... wait! I remember reading somewhere back on Tellius that JFK was assassinated by a sniper from a grassy knoll! Titania: Let me get this straight... you read from one of OUR books back home on Tellius about the assassination of a U.S. president? Boyd: So you're saying all we've gotta do is attack him from a grassy knoll, right? Is there a grassy knoll in the audience? Grassy knoll: I'm a grassy knoll. Barack Obama: *Rounds the corner as the battle with JFK rages* Dum de dum dum... boy, am I in a good mood today! Titania: Oh no! Boyd, don't throw the-- Boyd: *Throws the hand axe from the grassy knoll* JFK: This is a message from Lord--*Explodes into nothingness* Obama: OMG! You just killed someone! You dastard! Ha ha ha! Boy, am I in a good mood! FBI! SEIZE HIM! Titania: Blast. Dancing Policeman: *Boogies over to Boyd* You, Sir, are groovily under arrest for the assassination of JFK! Boyd: Oh, shoot! Guys, don't worry about me! Go after Vader! *Is driven away in a police car with a disco ball on top* Obama: Wait a minutes... JFK? Ha ha ha! I thought he was dead! Soren: No, he's not. Well, we'd better get on to the Death Star at last and-- Obama: Wait a minute, boys. Ha ha ha! I'm a presidential candidate, so I can pull a few strings and get his trial going today. Soren: Hmm... very well. I suppose we have time. ...This IS what you'd say, right, Ike? Ike: Boyd!? No way! Let's leave him to the birds and-- Oscar: *Pokes his lancepaktou into Ike's back.* Choose your next words carefully, Ike. Ike: ...And go save his behind is what I was going to say. Obviously. Greil's Mercenaries... prepare for legal battle! (Oh, and... sorry if I've offended people with this particular portion. I just feel this part's more risque than most, so... but the legal battle will be something to watch, so if you weren't pissed off by the JFK portion, stay tuned!)
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:35 pm
--Bigfancy Courthouse, Washington D.C., Earth Airspace November 25, 2007 4:00 PM-- Ike: Soren, Titania, hold a moment. I've been doing some thinking. Titania: Ike thinks... those are two words you don't normally hear in the same sentence, eh Soren? Soren: Indeed. *Looks up to the skies, as if scanning for any flying saucers to confirm that the world has indeed gone crazy. Upon finding none, he looks back to Ike.* You were saying? Ike: How did Darth Vader get my fath--Greil to join him? I don't understand... Soren: Ike, despite the fact that he may look like the Greil you... that we all... knew, that man... that THING... is not your father. Ike: That's not it. I mean how did he pull another Greil from an alternate universe? Titania: Hmm... I've been wondering about that, too. I don't quite understand the concept, but from what I do understand, space is big. One just can't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you two may think it's a long way down the road to Melior, but that's just peanuts to space. Soren: And for Vader to somehow miraculously find Greil in an alternate universe he's never even set one foot in... it can't be a coincidence. Ike: Yeah. So how'd he do it? D'you think he just sent out a universal-wide e-mail asking if anyone'd seen Greil? Soren: We should have known this serious moment wouldn't last... Ike: Or maybe... he's a Sith Lord, and Sith Lords know where anyone in the universe is at any given time? Titania: Ike... Ike: Or maybe he's actually... wait! That's it! He's...! Titania: Ike, shut up! We're about to enter the courthouse! This is no time for games of wits and words! Sanaki: "Games of wits and words", eh? Ike: Apostle Sanaki!? How did you get all the way here from Begnion? Boy, are you sh--OW! My foot! Soren: *Moves his boot away from Ike's foot* You're welcome. Sanaki: Elincia lent me her teleporter. My guards, of course, were welcome to use her most wondrous device, as well. Tanith: *Bows her head* Sir Ike. Marcia: Sigrun 'ad a cold, she did, so I'm fillin' in fer her, wot wot! Ike: So, why have you come, shor--OW! I mean, Apostle? Soren: *Moves his boot again* You're welcome. Sanaki: Simple. My friend Princess Zelda had a vision last night. In said vision, you louts needed my assistance to prove one of your friends innocent of murder charges on the grounds that he did so to save worlds. Ike: Thanks, but... *eyes Soren's threatening feet* shouldn't you be commanding your empire at the moment? Sanaki: First of all, Ike, you and your band of mercenaries are already in the process of saving many worlds from the foul Empire. If they were to win, you can imagine that our world of Tellius will be blown to smithereens. To assist you is to assist my people. Second... do you have any idea who stands as the attorney for the prosecution...? (I need to bring in some laguz characters soon...)
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 9:04 pm
*You're watching the NAL on FOX!* John Madden: Hi everybody! Welcome to Bigfancy Courthouse! I'm John Madden! Mordecai: And I am Mordecai, warrior of Gallia. Madden: And we're here for tonight's matchup! Greil's Mercenaries, led by... Apostle Sanaki of the Begnion Empire! Mordecai: I think Apostle Sanaki is wise, John Madden. The prosecution will have trouble winning a case against her, especially with her record of 12-0. John Madden: Indeed! Those of you tuning in tonight, you should already know that Apostle Sanaki has made the playoffs! ...But so has her opponent for tonight, who ALSO has a record of 12-0! Said to be the prodigy of attorney phenom Phoenix Wright, she knows ALL his techniques! Mordecai: Indeed. I am quite saddened by the fact that my friends must face HER for the prosecution against Boyd tonight. I only hope that their quest to save this world from Darth Vader is indeed true. Madden: We'll just have to see, because here they come now! Ladies and gentlemen, for the prosecution... please welcome... ... The SOS Brigade, headed by Ultra Ace Awesometastic One Attorney to Rule Them All Haruhi Suzumiya!! Haruhi Suzumiya: We all know that victory was ours even before the moment we walked in this courtroom! We shall prevail! Failure is NOT an option! Kyon: (First baseball, then skydiving, then finding the four Crystals of Light, and now attorneys. Where does it end?) Mordecai: I would like to note, John Madden, that Haruhi does indeed have all the moves of Phoenix Wright. See for yourself: (Please note this is not mine! It's a pic I found on Google, as is everythine else) Madden: Apostle Sanaki vs. Haruhi Suzumiya! The legal battle of the century! Makalov: Taking all bets! I'll give 3-1 odds on... *sees Marcia nearby* um, Haruhi to win! Yeah! I'll even take bets AFTER the verdict! That's just the kind of guy I am! (Wow, I think I'm liking this too much. Um, sorry if I'm going too fast. XD I'll give this a short break, since I want to think out how the trial's going to go down.)
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 7:02 pm
Tanith: Apostle! Disaster! Your image! It's now the red x of death! Sanaki: Blast! It's Haruhi's special attorney technique! She certainly wasted no time putting it to good use! Mordecai: It would appear Haruhi has turned Sanaki into a red x of death for the duration of this trial. That will make it difficult for the apostle to defend effectively. Madden: *Points at Haruhi* Now, now there's a girl who eats her dessert when she's not hungry! You see, she... she wants to PROVE the defendant is, is guilty by, by proving that HE was the one who did it. The key here for the... the prosecution is to prove the defendant's guilt, 'cuz... if you prove the defendant's guilt, you're... you're gonna win the game. Haruhi: *Gets up and paces in front of Boyd.* Hmm... *Paces back in front of him.* Hmm... *Paces again* Hmm... *Turns to Boyd* WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25TH!? Boyd: What!? Haruhi: Hmm, a likely story. But not the WHOLE story, IS IT, Lloyd? Boyd: It's Boyd!! Lloyd: *Sigh* Haruhi: Oh, really... Hmm... then what is your level and class? Boyd: Err... level 10 Warrior. Haruhi: And what are your weapons? Boyd: Let's see... A steel bow, a silver axe, a hand axe... Haruhi: Like the hand axe at the scene of the crime!? Boyd: Well... er... *looks at Sanaki, who nods* yes. Audience: *Gasp!* Haruhi: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard it with your own eyes! Freud admits his guilt! Sigmund Freud: *Sigh* Haruhi: That said, I believe we have no need of a pointless defense for so guiltless a criminal and-- Boyd: W-wait a second! I did it to stop John F. Kennedy! Haruhi: I'm SO sure. *Winks at the audience* Audience: *Laughs at Boyd* Ike: *Stands up* But he's telling the truth! NAL Referee: *Tweet!* Offside... Ike of Greil's Mercenaries! 5-point penalty! Ike: *Sits down* This is madness... King Leonidas: THIS IS-- Sanaki: NOT NOW.
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Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:44 pm
Madden: Well, the first half is in, and the score is now 45-0 in favor of the prosecution. That makes SIX touchdowns and a field goal! Mordecai: Ike's clearly new to the NAL. Only rookies commit penalties like the offside call. Madden: Well, it's time for the defense to take the field for the second half... Apostle Sanaki's got her work cut out for her. Here she comes. Apostle Sanaki: *Takes a breath to begin* Audience: *Laughs at Sanaki's image* Titania: Your Honor! The audience is not allowed to laugh if the image of an attorney is the red x of death! Madden: Whoa! Great save by Titania of Greil's Mercenaries! And now, time for a witness for the defense. ...But considering all they have is Greil's Mercenaries, they may be in trouble... Sanaki: For the defense, I call Mewtwo to the stand!! Mewtwo: *Descends to the defendant's box under clouds of darkness and thunderstorms.* Sanaki: Now, Mewtwo. We will not dispute that Boyd did indeed slay someone. But can you show the courtroom who Boyd slew at the scene of the crime? Mewtwo: *Reveals the image of the deceased under cover of darkness.* Audience: *Gasp!* Sanaki: That's right: It was John F. Kennedy. Except notice the jet-black hair, the golden eyes, and the blood-red lips. I think we all know from these pieces of evidence that JFK was a morph. Now, Mewtwo, can you show us who created him as such...? Mewtwo: *Opens a psychic rift to the Death Star. You know, because he's a Psychic-type.* Nergal: Whoa! Um... I totally didn't make a JFK morph in hopes of taking over the U.S.! No way... Vader: *Appears* And I didn't hire him so he could kill off Greil's Mercenaries so I could blow up Earth with the Death Star! Yeah... Random audience member: He's lying! Look up and out the windows! There's the Death Star! He's going to blow up the Earth! Audience: *Excited talking and shouting* Judge Rillyrillybigwig: Order! Order! *Bangs his gavel.* Everyone, we shall now have intermission, followed by the closing remarks and the verdict! Come back within the hour! *Bangs the gavel again and leaves.* Madden: The score is now 45-49! The Apostle has answered with SEVEN touchdowns! Mordecai: This battle isn't over, however, though it must end soon. The author can't keep court going forever. Madden: *Frowns.* This is interesting... this just in from King Tibarn of Phoenicis, who would like to tell Apostle Sanaki a warning from Princess Zelda that Ulki heard on her answering machine! He says to "beware the silly monkey" and "do not let her say the two words twice", whatever that means... well, I don't think anyone will mind if we leave this courtroom for a few minutes! *Leaves with Mordecai, leaving an empty courtroom. ...Or IS it...?* Kaiser Wilhelm: *Appears in the courtroom.* Heh heh heh... sorry, Greil's Mercenaries. But even if you are winning the trial, you won't live to hear the verdict! Bwa ha ha ha! *Takes something out of his pocket and places it on the desk of the SOS Brigade at Haruhi's place, then leaves.*
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Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:46 pm
Mikuru Asahina: *Walks in* Hm hmm hmm... *starts dusting off the SOS Brigade bench* What's this? Silly Monkey: (...What? Do you expect me to talk?) Mikuru: *Squeals in delight.* Look at the silly monkey! Look at the-- Haruhi: Wait! There's a note attached to it... "Dear Prosecution, we believe you." Signed by "A Sizeable Majority of this Courtroom"? What do you make of this, Kyon? Kyon: Man, I'm so hungry. I could kill for a sammich... what? Haruhi: You heard me. At first, I thought this would be an open-and-shut case, but now... now I'm wondering what I'm doing here. But if over half the courtroom really does believe in me... Kyon: (Since when do you care about other peoples' opinions?) Well, we all saw the Death Star out in space, so... Haruhi: So that proves the existence of aliens! Gyah! Why didn't I think of it before? If we were to prove Boyd guilty now and throw doubt on Greil's Mercenaries to save the Earth, they wouldn't be able to save it! And then the Earth would be destroyed! And then we'd never meet aliens or time travelers OR espers! Kyon: Err... right, but... Haruhi: Of course I'm right! I don't like to do this, but for the sake of saving the Earth so I can one day meet aliens, I must lose this trial! ...Don't worry, I'll just use the monkey to make some totally pointless remarks and let Sanaki win. *Takes the silly monkey and walks up front as the courtroom refills.*
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Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:47 pm
Judge Rillyrillybigwig: Alright, court is back in session! *Bangs his gavel.* We shall now hear the closing remarks! Because her team is behind by four points, we shall allow the prosecutor to go first! Haruhi: Thank you, Your Honor. *Ahem* Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, BOYD'S attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client assassinated JFK for the good of the galaxy. And they make a good case. Why, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca: Rawwwrf! Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense! Ike: What's she doing? Sanaki: The fool! She realizes we're in the right, but she has no idea what power she's invoking! That's the Chewbacca Defense!! Haruhi: Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer prosecuting our would-be defenders of Earth, and I'm talking about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating on whether or not to convict Boyd... *she approaches the jury and softens her voice.* does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must convict! The prosecution rests. Juror (you can pick whoever) : Your Honor, we've heard enough! The defendant is guilty as charged! Madden: I don't believe it! One quick Chewbacca Defense, and court looks like it's already over! Mordecai: ...Wow. She knows what's going on, yet she frames him all for the sake of her career. What a [censored by FOX!]. Haruhi: What!? No! You don't understand! What I'm trying to say is that Boyd's... A Different Juror (pick again) : Guilty? Yeah, we already knew that! Haruhi: NO! INNOCENT! BOYD! IS! The First Juror You Picked: Boyd is no innocent? Shouldn't that be "Boyd is not innocent"? Haruhi: SWEET JESUS, you people are thick! *Sigh* Here. This... *holds out the monkey* is a monkey. Look at the silly monkey... Soren: By the goddess... Rhys! Quick! Rhys: What? Soren: Get out your silence staff and be ready! Now! Haruhi: Look! At! The! Silly! Monkey!! *The words "silly monkey" echo across the courtroom as they are uttered a second time by the same person. The doll suddenly rips in half, revealing...*  Zeeky H. Bomb: Zeeky Boogy-- Rhys: *Casts Silence on the Zeeky H. Bomb! Will he stop it in time!?* Zeeky H. Bomb: D... o... o... *falls silent and is quickly gagged.*
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Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:49 pm
Judge Rillyrillybigwig: What is the meaning of this!? Haruhi: I-I don't understand! I had no idea the monkey housed a Zeeky H. Bomb! Judge: Haruhi Suzumiya, for attempting to blow up the courtroom and yourself with a Zeeky H. Bomb, I sentence you to-- Janaff: *Flies in* Wait! This man's the real culprit! Tell 'em, Kaiser Wilhelm! And remember: You took the double dare! Kaiser Wilhelm: (Curse you, Truth or Dare!) I confess that I was the one who planted the silly monkey on the bench of the SOS Brigade with the intent to destroy Greil's Mercenaries! Audience: Gasp! Wait a minute... *Gasp!* Judge Rillyrillybigwig: ...Oh. In that case... Kaiser Wilhelm, I sentence you to 43,896,742,359,843 years in prison! Oh, and Boyd's not guilty. *Bangs his gavel* court adjourned! Audience: *Cheers!* Wilhelm: Aw, man! Just you wait, Greil's Mercenaries. I'll be back with an even BIGGER horn! *Is escorted to prison kicking and poking. Might we see him again in Episode II? Who knows? I don't.* (Btw, is there any way to tell how many views have been made on this page? It's just that with nobody besides me saying anything, it's hard to tell if anyone's reading this.)
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 7:05 pm
You could make a poll with one option that would tally up the people who visited and voted.
And great job with the story! I find myself checking it everyday hoping for an update.
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Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:27 pm
(Make a poll? I'll see if I can't do that. And remember, that means that because of Greil's Mercenaries, you, the voter, get free Gaia gold! Rock, rock on!) --The Death Star, Earth Airspace November 26, 2007 10:00 A.M.-- Rear Admiral Cardgame: So the secret to a good blueberry pie is adding a pinch of brown sugar? Nergal: Oh, yes. With a glass of lemonade, it's the perfect treat on a warm summer day... Vader: *Walks in, puzzled by Nergal's words* Nergal: Err... so then I killed him and threw his puppy out the window! Vader: *Nods approvingly* Now then, Admiral. Nergal. As you know, Greil's Mercenaries have won their trial and are now set up to try and attack the Death Star once again. Cardgame: Are Greil's Mercenaries on their way now, sir? Shall I prepare the men? Vader: No. As odd as it may sound, their leader has decided that the group has time for some subquests before going to the final battle. So, while they're busy doing subquests, I thought we could take the time to do some subquesting of our own. Nergal: Such as what? Vader: Our plans are threefold. First, Nergal. You will go down to Earth and nuke the whales. Nergal: Finally! I was getting so sick of those fat jerks! *Leaves.* Vader: Second, Cardgame. You shall go and save us a bunch of money on our Death Star Insurance by switching to Geico. Cardgame: As you wish, milord! *Departs for Earth.* Vader: As for me... I shall set up our defenses for the mercenaries' last-minute assault! --Back on Earth, Earth Airspace November 27, 2007 1:00 P.M. Hey look! There's a Diglett in the background!-- Ike: Okay Soren, let's hear what subquests are in store for us today! Soren: Let's see... "Building the Rhysmobile", check. "Proving the existence of Captain Planet", check. "Create a First Person Shooter video game featuring us", check. Mia: *Snipes Shinon to move into 1st place.* Ha! Take that, Shinon! Shinon: Damn it, that is NOT how I play in the game!! It's not me! You guys made me suck! And the controllers are gay! *Throws his controller out a window, hitting some random passerby on the head.* Ike: We completed all of our subquests in one day? Geez. Um... maybe we can do another video game, except this time we're moving around on some kind of party board... and we can have mini-games after every turn, where everyone competes for ten coins or more! And maybe have some shiny things... um... stars placed at random spots around the board, and... *the phone rings.* Hello? Donovan McNabb: Ike! Thank God you haven't left for the Death Star yet. Listen, we've got a problem: Someone's taken a boat out to the Atlantic Ocean and is now proceeding to nuke the whales! Get over there and take care of it, will ya? Ike: Oh, good! I mean, bad. I mean... ... we ran out of subquests, okay? We need this one to last us! McNabb: Ohhh... kaaay... On a side note, we've never told you the secret to defeating someone from an alternate universe, have we? If you need to, we can send Brian Dawkins out to explain. Ike: That would be appreciated. Thanks much! *Hangs up the phone.* Greil's Mercenaries, we've got a subquest to complete!
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:22 pm
I'm so glad you're still doing this! It's so frinkin hilarous, especially the courtroom! I love the prosectutor who has the moves of Phoenix. XD
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:17 pm
(Just a heads-up, but tomorrow I am going back to college, so I don't know how frequently I'm going to make these updates. I've enjoyed writing this, so don't worry--I don't intend to abandon it. In fact, I've enjoyed writing this so much, I've already been thinking about an Episode II. :3)
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 9:21 am
Go Rhys! Don't ever worry about people not reading this. You have very faithful subscribers. Me for one. Keep it going Rhys-man!
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:32 pm
Whoot! Same here, you keep going no matter what! biggrin
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