Welcome to Gaia! ::

Sometimes I feel that way, too. : [
But, lyke, I in no way want to put on the pressure.
I want yeh guise to be able to come out on your own and tell us.
It can be a big deal, telling someone about something,
Especially if you've never told someone before.
And when that someone you're telling turns into
A bunch of someones
In a big, big guild...
Well. I imagine that could be scary!
<3

I'll make sure the man of the ear comes down to bring you a welcome basket. : 33

XD That put some weird Invader Zim picture inside my head.

But yeah.
It's like, combined, everyone who's all "NO PRESSURE YOU SHY ONEZ"
I think it kind of...puts on pressure, without meaning to.
.__.
Know what I mean?

Lol, I get moar stuff off my chest.

People get uncomfortable around me when I admit I'm genuinely interested in the paraphilia necrophilia. I am not a necrophile, but I'm interested in experimentation.
Uh.
Yeah.
-Raises eyebrows-

D<
I'm in love with
My ex-boyfriend
And it's driving me crazy.
I can't tell him
Because
Well
C'mon,
He's my ex.
.___.
And.
He wants to give me free hair dye.
: ] <33 -Melt-

But, lyke
I love him.
D: Gragh.

Kay so this thread was posted forever ago but I need to vent.

Here goes..

Only in dreams..

..would I actually have a perfect life.

Honestly, I don't have a horrible life but I defintely have my own personal problems. Some of which I have trouble coping with. I don't like myself as a person. I'm pretty loud and I HATE it. It just kinda comes out. As though I have no self-control. I guess it depends on where I'm at. Like a comfort zone. There are just certain places I feel more comfortable in. I've heard a million times about how people don't care what others think of them. But you see, that just a bunch of BULL to me. Because those people who say that have complained to me about what so and so said about them or to them. Why even lie about it? So very bluntly, I DO care. I don't appreciate when others talk about me which by the way, happens quite often. I take things personally. I'm a really sensitive person. Sometimes I won't display the sensitivity but it's definitely there. To some people, I keep my mouth shut and with others, I speak my opinion and stick up for myself. There are certain people in my life that have I guess brought me to not stick for myself. For example, my mother. She thinks that if I voice my opinion to her about anything that has to do with her, it MUST be talking back. Thus, with her I just try to keep my mouth shut and end up bottling it up. She really bothers me though. She thinks she knows her daughter but she doesn't as well as my dad. Sometimes I'm bad with emotion. And I like attention but I don't know how to handle it. :/

I'm really confused about my personality. This is because many people tell me I'm overly mature and others say I'm overly immature. So what am I supposed to think.
I've been called stuck-up, spoiled, rude, self-centered, selfish, dramatic, and babyish.
And also that I put up a certain front to people. But I don't see it..
Which probably makes me even more self-centered. :/
What the hell am I supposed to think?

Sometimes I just wish I was a better person.
^
That was a blog I copy/pasted from MySpace cause I was too lazy to retype it. ://
Anywho, this week I'm PMSing and when I'm PMSing I'm a total b***h. I wish I could control it but I don't know how. It's even to the point that soem of my teachers notice it and ask if I'm okay. I'm also extremely sensitive. Anyone know how to minimze that ridicoulousness.

Something else that's been bothering me is school.
I have a 74 in Geography and it's bothering the hell outta me. I could totally have a higher grade however, there is only a class set of books for that class. That's really difficult because this teacher isn't the best lecturer and it's hard to focus in that class so when it comes to tests I do poorly. I SUCK at note-taking and I just don't know what to do.
I also have a 91.4 in Geometry. I know maybe that seems high but it's not high enough for me. In fact, it makes me feel stupid. I know I could have a higher grade in that class. I suppose I just need to shutup and deal with it but Idk how.

So I'm a fishie in highschool now and it's possibly the most ridiculous thing ever. So much drama. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Everywhere I turn there are people trash talking others. And I admit, I do it too. But ehh. I don't think I'm talking about the same things as other people. Not so intense. :/
I am also getting trash-talked. Many people tell me that I shouldn't care what others think about me but I DO. And that's the way it's going to stay most likely. Last year, in eighth grade. This rumor about me came out of nowhere that I attempted suicide at school. I have NO idea where that came from but geez.

Promise I'll shutup soon.
Sorry.

On September 22nd, I did something. Something I'd never done before. And I don't know if it was a mistake or for my own good or just neutral. I don't know what to think about it. I'm kind of ashamed to actually admit what it was that I did.

Last, my dad is an a**. And I don't feel like typing anymore so I'm just copy/pasting three blogs from MySpace again:

1. I’m so sick

of you. I'm just ready to ******** burst. Two more days and you decided to go out with your wife tonight. I hate you. Don't you see it? She did replace me. You were such a jerk to me last night and today. You complain about me beng ungrateful and that I always look like I'm upset. You don't have a clue about me. So just shut your mouth. I told you I would come back to visit you but I pretty sure I've changed my mind now. I'm sorry but I can't deal with this. And every year it just gets worse. Take a nice long hug on Monday morning because you won't be seeing me for a while. Don't try to beg me or bribe me or anything. Because nothing is worth going through this. I can't stand the fact that you went out without me tonight and how selfish and immature your wife is. Did you notice how your nine year old daughter was crying as she watched you pull out of the driveway? Jesus Christ you're such an a**.




2. Your wife makes me feel like dirt. She's constantly putting me down and telling me I can't do this and I can't do that. But she letes her kids do it. She says you two have three kids to take care of. But she just needs to shut the hell up and realize that YOU have four kids. I know you forget about me sometimes but my god. And I love how after I finally talked to you about how she treats me, nothing freaking changed. You're such an a**. You're so dramatic the way you tried to get me to buy your stupid fake story about how you used to take care of me all the time and my mom would always be out. That's a bunch of bull. You're own freaking sister even told me that you were constantly going out at night. And ooh you're such a liar. You hit "her" more than once and you know it. You were freaking ABUSIVE. And you still are. Didn't you notice the way you pulled your daughter YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD by her arm today. And how you screamed at her. And that she was crying for twenty minutes straight. I wanted to be by her and comfort her but I was too afraid to because you would probably tell me to stop babying her. God Dad grow up. She's only nine years old. Of course she's going to cry after how mean you were to her. You're such a bad parent. And you think you're just oh so wonderful. Aghh. Do you have and idea how badly I want to go home? I cannot wait to get awayu from you and your stupid wife. You'll be lucky if I want to come back again.




3. Don't you hate that person that you know you hate but you don't want to hate. That person whose smile bothers the hell outta you. And you wish you never had to see them again. At the sound of their voice you perk up a little but in the end your always dissapointed. I'm tired of dealing with it.

I hate the way you traded me in for your new wife and kids. And how I used to have to beg you to stay with me at night. And most of all how you promised me and broke your promise. You always let me down and you expect me to forget about it. It's like a slap in the face. I wish I had the nerve to tell you all this. But look what you've turned me into. A stupid pushover little girl that doesn't feel the least but significant to you. I can't wait til that day you realize what you did to me. I hope you don't expect our relationship to get even the slightest bit better. I used to look up to you. I loved you so much. You were half of my all. I'm sure you know who the other half was. I wish you actually knew me. And who I am. Or at least my favorite color and that I've had a boyfriend for five months and that I was afraid to tell you because I long for your approval so much. I hate how I feel so out of place and unwanted when I'm in this stupid state. And you know what? On my way here I always know I want to go home. And on the first night I always call my mom and tell her I want to be back home. I wish I could say I was close to you. That you were my best friend again. Just like when I was little. Here's a lesson for you: scars don't heal without a medication of some sort. My scars haven't healed because you haven't given me that sincere apology that I believe I deserve. I guess it's too late huh?

Stay out of my life.
Keep your complaints about me to yourself.
I'm sorry I didn't turn out to be your perfect little girl that stayed your little girl forever.
You screwed it up.



Some stuff form the blogs doesn't make sense.
I can't think straight while crying. :/

/rant
Sorry.

Thanks Kai. [: