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 Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 12:57 pm
Cerestrail Do people read what others have posted? I do. I can't really answer for anyone else, though it doesn't seem like they do.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 3:31 pm
 David is a chubby chaser.
He likes my "cushion".
crying "If your stomach feels weak my work here is DONE."
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 4:01 pm
Cerestrail Do people read what others have posted?
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 4:10 pm
I'll admit, some are disturbing. But it forces you to realize that nobody is perfect and when you realize that it can actually bring you closer to them.
But I'm going to have to tell everybody that whenever you realize that you have a flaw you have to ask yourself what you're going to do about it. Don't take it as a part of yourself- everyone can change for the better.
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:48 pm
My biggest secret is that when I was little I had a fight with someone I didn't like, I didn't start it but I planned to finish it, I was nine by the way.
Anyway we were walking along the path when it began and during it I lost my temper big style and pushed her as hard as I could, and she stumbled backwards, it was kind of like slow motion and spinning stumbled onto the road.
It just so happened that we were at a bend at the road where we couldn't see past and that some jerkoff, was drunk and speeding.
He sped round the corner out of control and seeing her braked.. but too late and I watched as the car hit her, the force knocking her quite far back, she was hospitalized and unable to walk for some time, she luckily survived but she was also left with a big scar, she also gained partial amnesia or something like that so couldn't remember what happened.
And so frightened out of my mind at what I had done I lied and told the police she had suddenly decided to cross the road, and that was how the driver had hit her, and being drunk himself not really knowing what had happened, not that anyone would believe him anyway he said the events were blurry, and luckily as she survived he was sentenced for drunken driving but not murder, or something like that I don't really remember.
And I visited her every day, guilt really and due to her memory being fuzzy she didn't remember our previous animosity and we made friends and we still are.
But Ive never told her the truth or anyone else who knows me anyway, Ive always been too scared too, especially now that shes such a close friend, kinda twisted isn't it.
My biggest regret is I intentionally pushed her onto the road, and that I had actually hoped a car would hit her, as she made my life so difficult and well I was young and didn't really think past that, I never really thought that what I wished would become reality.
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:48 pm
- N y z z - But I'm going to have to tell everybody that whenever you realize that you have a flaw you have to ask yourself what you're going to do about it. Don't take it as a part of yourself- everyone can change for the better. Not necessarily. Besides -- what defines something as being better is the same thing that defines something else as being worse; i.e. humanity's views of good and evil, borne from nothing greater than the things deemed beneficial and detrimental to the species. I, conversely, don't care much about the species, only a handful of specific people. Aside from the people I specifically care about, everyone can die and it wouldn't bother me. Thus, humanity's views of good and evil are a little less prominent in my mind.
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 3:00 pm
I'm not talking about what society as a whole thinks. I'm talking about what affects you on a personal level. The guilt I feel towards many of my flaws is torturous, as I am sure it is for most people. I'm working towards making myself a happier person by ironing out the guilt. How you go about doing this and your definition of morality are up to you.
But what I can't stand is the pacifist outlook towards your own bad situation. "Wearing your discomfort like a favorite shirt". You remember that, I'm sure, that's what I'm talking about.
And everyone can change. It's just that most people give up on themselves too easily. Like me.
[insert string of curses]
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 7:53 pm
IamJacksVampirism I'm afraid I'm going to become a serial killer. I've ripped animals apart and left them in several places in the woods near my house. It doesn't give me the reaction it probably should -- I would at least expect an adrenaline rush. Doesn't happen. I simply watch, calmly, as my body rips another body to pieces. I just... watch. Niether liking nor disliking, approving nor disapproving, just watching my sick mind drive itself deeper into insanity, and in those times, in the moments where the blood sprays onto my hands and my face, when the flesh makes a sound not unlike that of a zipper as it reveals to me everything it contains, when I expect to see a soul and only find a collection of organs filled with blood, when I'm reminded of all those anatomy books I read when I was little and realize that they were right -- in those times, I see my future. And that scares me, in a strange way that feels like I'm not scared at all, but I know that I should be. It's a halfhearted fear, and that in itself is scarier than a fullhearted one. In that vien of thought, I often 'fantasize' about killing people. I'm also selfish. I used to pretend to be schizophrenic just to get out of school. I hate myself for how much s**t I've done to people I care about. I don't necessarily cling to people, not at all -- but I would sometimes hurt the people I care about just to be reminded of the fact that they care about me. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for how sexual I am -- it's a poor way of describing it, but it's as close as I can come without adding another paragraph. It's probably due to the fact that my sister molested me when I was probably around 6 to 8, in fact I have no doubt that that's where it came from, but that gives me no excuse for it. I also have necrophiliac (I hate using this next word) fantasies. Whenever I'm in a place around people, I do things to try to get their attention, which almost always fails, and then when I do actually get it I'm so socially awkward that I don't know what to do next, and simply leave. Also around people -- if I see someone I find interesting doing something, I'll position myself near them in the hopes of starting a conversation, then I never do. I probably come off as a stalker to a lot of people. I lie to people. I will lie about myself in some way, be it withholding information, using wording to say something other than what I mean, or outright lying, so as not to incur a person's disfavor. I've done it with Pink, and I did it in the third paragraph of this post, withholding information. I've been in the psyche ward four times. The first because I pulled a knife on my sister. I believe the other three were just the result of arguments with mother wherein I pissed her off that badly. When people die, I don't care. I've been to two funerals for family members, and neither time cared. When a family pet dies, I only cry because I feel like people think I should. I laugh when someone goes into a large area and kills a bunch of people. 1 -- Last Christmas, some guy dressed as Santa, went into a Christmas party, shot everyone and burned the house down. I laughed. 2 -- A few years ago, I heard about some guy thinking he was the Highlander, going into a mall with a sword, and decapitating people. I, again, laughed. There are people who I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being, who I think about killing more often than any other type of thought involving a specific person aside from Willow, and yet I do absolutely nothing. I even pretend to be friends with them. This got to the point last year where the ******** was coming to my house. How he figured out where the ******** it was I have no idea, but still. If I'm Johnny the homicidal maniac, then that dude was my ******** Jimmy. Seriously. I hated him. But, much like I do with about three people now, I pretended to be friends. Why? Because as I said, I try as hard as I can to avoid pissing people off. ... omg ... i think i found my twin ...
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:01 pm
Freak Of Nightmare ... omg ... i think i found my twin ... Ironic.
I used to beat up on my cousins a lot. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The younger ones who trusted me never had a chance, and the older one was too scared to defend himself. I gave them nightmares they woke up screaming from. I choked them, I humiliated them, and to this day I have not been punished.
And I hate myself for it.
So I'm as nice as I possibly can to all of them to try and make up for it. I'll do anything for them.
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Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 6:18 pm
I'm sick and tired of being alone, but I'm too scared to ever say that.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:39 pm
- N y z z - Freak Of Nightmare ... omg ... i think i found my twin ... Ironic. Indeed. neutral By the way, I love the editing job there. Also? There's a cat on my lap. It.... it refuses to be silent. confused
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:11 pm
I've nearly killed two people purposfully,and not once have felt guilty over it.I rarely feel guilt,the odd occasions where I have was over something rather silly/unimportant.Im far nicer to people then I probably should be,and trusting.I never stand up for myself,or defend myself anymore because I want the abuse as punishment for existing.I search desperatly for love or at the very least someone who I can stay with so I'm not alone.I was addicted to drugs up until the ending of last year,I've almost relapsed twice.I've tried killing myself multiple times twice of which through alchohal which I'm not supposed to drink due to my liver disease,if I drink alchohal then my liver won't be able to process and will shut down and I will die slowly which makes me laugh.This isn't that big a secret but, I hate America.I hate having my own little world/calm/mellow state interrupted,it causes my head to hurt because of annoyance/anger building up in me which instantly goes away after a few moments.I haven't been truly angry since 5th grade.At most I only get annoyed or frustrated,and I don't know what certain emotions feel like.Such as happiness,euphoria,and a few other ones similar to those.I however,do know sorrow and the ones that aren't so great which leads me to beleive that most of my emotions are nonexistent except for the not so good ones.
I hate god for taking away the one person in my life that really made me feel needed,and wanted to be with me always.I wish I could meet a vampire,an actual vampire so that I could be turned and live forever even if I would be confined to the night.And I hate myself for always growing feelings for people that will never look at me in that way,or are already taken.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:48 pm
IamJacksVampirism Also? There's a cat on my lap. It.... it refuses to be silent. confused You got another one? =/
I'm happier now than I've been in a long time, despite, or perhaps because of everything. Some may argue that due to present circumstances this is unnatural, but I am a perfectly content human being.
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Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:53 pm
I'm in love with my best friend. He's got a girlfriend. He still loves me, and from the way he talks...he doesn't think they'll last. I'm secretly...partially hoping they don't...It makes me feel horrid...
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Posted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 10:55 am
I am secretly Bi-curious, and the only people that know are some of my friends and my older cousin. I'm afraid to tell my family right now since I really don't know if I am bi or not. redface
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