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 Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:15 am
Well, it does sound like you have had a break-through...
It sounds so familiar to me too...
Anyway, I am glad you guys had a chance to get some issues out in the open. You really need to focus on not getting your man into defense mode again though, otherwise, you will just go back to the way things were. You aren't out of the woods yet...
I will say that one of our episodes were broken open by alcohol, so I can't say that the drink is bad by no means, but my husband didn't remember everything that he had said, so things remained kinda strained for another month or so. The insight I got from what he told me UTI gave me the resolve I needed to wait for issues to work out.
Please just be patient, strong, and gentle with him, and you guys will come out stronger, and with more trust between yourselves.
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Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:22 pm
Eltanin Sadachbia Well, it does sound like you have had a break-through... It sounds so familiar to me too... Anyway, I am glad you guys had a chance to get some issues out in the open. You really need to focus on not getting your man into defense mode again though, otherwise, you will just go back to the way things were. You aren't out of the woods yet... I will say that one of our episodes were broken open by alcohol, so I can't say that the drink is bad by no means, but my husband didn't remember everything that he had said, so things remained kinda strained for another month or so. The insight I got from what he told me UTI gave me the resolve I needed to wait for issues to work out. Please just be patient, strong, and gentle with him, and you guys will come out stronger, and with more trust between yourselves.
I really think that I always trusted him, I was just scared because he never opened up. So my thoughts were "Why trust someone who can't even answer a simple question?" But then I realized he can't talk because he's afraid of his feelings and all those other fun things...
It is really nice having more than a few people here who have been through the saem or similar things. I don't feel like I have to hide anything.
It's really sad because I don't even tell my mom this stuff! All I will get from her is "I told you so" or something like "You were too young. You didn't know what you were doing" or "That's what your father did. He's just like you father" and as many of you know, I hate my dad... I hate how my mom has become because of the divorce. She always yelled at us for cursing, but now she drops the F bomb more than me. She told us not to say "Shut up", guess what she says everyday... And she never, I mean never, was late. Now she's late all the time. And she's so bitter because he screwed her over, but she wouldn't take those opportunities to screw him over... *sighs* Sadly, I am glad I got to move out when I did, but it wasn't soon enough.
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Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 1:07 pm
Aakosir ...It's really sad because I don't even tell my mom this stuff! All I will get from her is "I told you so" or something like "You were too young. You didn't know what you were doing"... Don't I know those all too well. mad Well, they stopped a couple years ago, but I heard them for a good 6, nearly 7 years after we were married. I think after a certain point a sane parent has to relinquish their idea that we had no idea what we were doing and think "Hey, things didn't turn out so bad after all." LOL I really think our parents do that to us because their parents did that to them. Really, people who were older than my husband and I who married at the same time had just as many problems as we did. I am fully convinced that it doesn't matter what age people are when they marry, it matters how flexible the couple is in complimenting and compromising with each other. From what I have observed, those of us who threw our lots in together early on seem to do better at being that kind of flexible. The older you get, the more set in your ways you become, and if you are used to being the only person you look out for then it is harder to learn how to accommodate another person plus yourself. I am sure you and your husband will do well Kosi. You had more time to get to know him than Dave and I had, and we are a great pair now, but it takes time. Just keep reminding yourself why he is so wonderful. You might go so far as to tell him a reason every day why you think he is so great for you.
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Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 1:39 pm
"Hello!!! I am in GOLD!... And RED!!"
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Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 2:14 pm
Eltanin Sadachbia Aakosir ...It's really sad because I don't even tell my mom this stuff! All I will get from her is "I told you so" or something like "You were too young. You didn't know what you were doing"... Don't I know those all too well. mad Well, they stopped a couple years ago, but I heard them for a good 6, nearly 7 years after we were married. I think after a certain point a sane parent has to relinquish their idea that we had no idea what we were doing and think "Hey, things didn't turn out so bad after all." LOL I really think our parents do that to us because their parents did that to them. Really, people who were older than my husband and I who married at the same time had just as many problems as we did. I am fully convinced that it doesn't matter what age people are when they marry, it matters how flexible the couple is in complimenting and compromising with each other. From what I have observed, those of us who threw our lots in together early on seem to do better at being that kind of flexible. The older you get, the more set in your ways you become, and if you are used to being the only person you look out for then it is harder to learn how to accommodate another person plus yourself. I am sure you and your husband will do well Kosi. You had more time to get to know him than Dave and I had, and we are a great pair now, but it takes time. Just keep reminding yourself why he is so wonderful. You might go so far as to tell him a reason every day why you think he is so great for you.
My mom just thinks that every guy is a piece of s**t... Lovely, right? And she's too quick to judge. My mother-in-law wants everything to fall apart so she can have her Matti back... She wants me to use him so she can be right and have her baby back. Now I understand why he is the way he is. He was never allowed to grow up! Damn... Realizations just keep happening today! XD
And thanks. I really do want things to get better, but it hard for me since I am so combative and upfront.
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Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:27 pm
@Elta: You have TONS of relationship advice, don't you? lol
@Aakosir: I really hope you and your hubby patch things up, my mom and stepdad always seem generally pissy until they make up in a fight.
@Callum: You're welcome d:
@Spooky: *snuggles into couch next to you* not wrestling, but a good drama is nice too ^^
@erin: O.o why didn't I stop at " wahmbulance TMI Alert wahmbulance " ???
@Ura: yes, yes you are xp
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 7:45 am
Ura the rainbow King "Hello!!! I am in GOLD!... And RED!!"
Thanks clouded. We usually make up pretty quick.
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:14 pm
XxcloudedsightxX @Elta: You have TONS of relationship advice, don't you? lol Is that bad? confused ... Well, really, it's mostly marriage advice. I was never good at the boyfriend girlfriend thing. I always considered it a waste of time. sweatdrop My husband and I have been through allot, but we worked to find what made us work. ...And it is a hard fact of life that most women are wired better for handling situations that involve nurturing understanding... Not to say all men aren't and not to say all women are good at it... but the fact is, we are better at drawing out the strength of our men, so that they in turn can strengthen us. I can't say that I would give the same advice to everyone, but Kosi's relationship sounds very much like where mine was a few years ago. I also see parallels in our attitudes and thought patterns when I read her posts. So I just hope I can help, because I have a feeling that her relationship with her husband is one of those few that can make it to the golden years.
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:17 pm
Ura the rainbow King "Hello!!! I am in GOLD!... And RED!!" It's a great look for you! xd
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:36 pm
I AM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
I got my computer back and I'm ready for some awesomeness! ^.^
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ScarletFrost Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 4:57 pm
Ura the rainbow King "Hello!!! I am in GOLD!... And RED!!" And adorable! blaugh
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Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 10:44 am
Eltanin Sadachbia because I have a feeling that her relationship with her husband is one of those few that can make it to the golden years.
And he's going to be going away to Arizona for training on the 21st crying I don't want him to go... So I'll be going to my mom's until he gets back.
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Chieftain Twilight Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 12:31 pm
Aakosir All of my toys are broken right now... I buy the cheap ones because I don't feel like spending $40 or so on a good one, but after spending about $35 on three different ones to have them break, I am seeing that I have wasted all that money. So my next one will be a bit more expensive, but it better last. Or I'm contacting the company XD
But last night was an interesting string of events. I was asking all sorts of questions with no answers, until I actually sat on top of him XD Weird, but it worked. He answered some things, and of course, I ended up getting very hurt when I asked "It does feel good after sex, right?" He said it didn't. (We realized the problem later). So I left, crying, and laid down on the couch. He went out to smoke, came back in and drank some rum. I'm pretty sure it was a good bit. I hear the liquor cabinet open and close twice, then nothing. I go to check on him and find him practically collapsed on the floor. I coddle him, ask him if he's okay, then we have some heartfelt talk on the cold floor. I manage to get him to bed and we have some more good talk. I asked if he drank as a cry for attention. He said he did it so he wouldn't feel. (He doesn't drink like that, so I guess he was feeling really bad) I asked what he was feeling, he said everything. I asked, about what. Once again, everything. Then I brought up that I do care about him, he said he knows and at one point almost started crying. I asked if he didn't like to feel that bad things then why not concentrate on the good. He said "Everything good always turns to ash." That struck me hard, he never talks like that. And holy s**t I feel like I am writing some cliche romance novel XD But that's what it felt like. The strong woman comforting her warrior, who really isn't as together as he makes it seem. I realized how much of a kid he is, how scared he is of the real world. He has a lot of issues that he keeps to himself and I have no clue how to help because he keeps it all inside until he breaksdown. For the first time in a while, we actually made love last night. I had realized this a while ago, but I think it finally sank in for him, that everything else was just primal needs. So afterwards, I asked if it felt good after that time. He said yes. And of course, I had to point out that there was actually emotion, other than naturalistic needs and wants, involved.
I think his breakdown last night made him realize that he actually is the one who has a lot of issues. And he apologized to me for being in a bad mood when he got home! I apologized first, because I did practically shut him out when he came through the door, but the fact that he apologized is a HUGE step!
I know I need to calm down and not attack him like I do, but I get so frustrated when he doesn't talk. He knows this. Or atleast, he should.
I will take you up on that list idea, Elta. I think it would be really good for me since I have been focusing on the bad. And after last night, I do realize that he does need a lot of loving attention. He said something about all the people that said they cared either turned their backs on him or were fake. I can relate to that. I even told him the reason I start to poke and prod, saying s**t that I know I will regret, is because I want some kind of reaction. I made a comment about him mom last night, but he didn't even budge... She calls him "Matti"... Drive me ******** nuts. So I said some to the effect of, "If I want you to answer should I start calling you Matti" I was mad, he wasn't even paying attention, so that one just dissipated...
And holy crap, sorry for the long a** post this is exciting! biggrin I am happy for you that this has happened. ^_^ :hugs you.: dragging everything out at once can be a hell of an experience, but in the end it's always good to deal with things. sometimes every relationship needs a little "spring cleaning". maintainance helps to not need such huge and traumatic breakdowns first, but everyone has them at least once in a while. again, I say Huzzah! heart Ura the rainbow King "Hello!!! I am in GOLD!... And RED!!" Hola, Ura! ^.^ Happy V-day, and huzzah for the colour-scheme! heart totally diggin' yer Avi. whee Sapphirianna I AM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! I got my computer back and I'm ready for some awesomeness! ^.^ WELCOME BACK! biggrin this place is falling into slight inactivity... sweatdrop I was gonna do a V-day Event, but I didn't find the time to get it up in time. xp if anyone has any ideas, we can start one late or last-minute. smile I know that the Burn guild is doing a V-day version of Secret Santa, but given how cliche that is, ontop of my current lack of funds, and the fact that the Gaia V-day Event includes buying gifts, makes me want to avoid that kind of event...
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Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 1:17 pm
Yeah, my account is still recovering from Christmas, and with RL taking such a huge spotlight in January, and the guild business going on now, I haven't had time to vend or plug my art. I have one commission left to catch up on, but when that is over, I am going to be devoting my Gaia time to the guilds.
I guess I am just going to have to be happy with what I can get from the cash shop with my subscription cash. So long Persephone crying and maybe Mod Geisha will come down in the next couple months.
I kinda like the Nihoshu Geisha, and I really like the Speakeasy from this new RIG. By the end of the month I might make time to do an hour of BG so I can get a few of them. LOL They should be between 30K and 60K by then.
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Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 1:22 pm
Thanks Twi. We've been doing really good since then. Even though he forgot my dish soap today... But he brought me back flowers instead XD Still can't do the dishes with those, however. Oh well. We need to go out Monday to take care of some stuff so I'll get it then.
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