Welcome to Gaia! ::

::Letting out a barely audible sigh, Aniur switches the direction of her blade, allowing it to swing around her left side in full circle as she drops her right hand from the grip. It makes several full rotations as she listens intently with her eyes closed to the sound of the blade singing as it slices through the air. As it hits the apex, she allows it to cross over and effortlessly passes it to her waiting right hand. She does this several more times in succession, losing herself in the perfect melding of motion and sound. For one moment her movements take no thought to preform as momentum and fluidity create something that almost looks to be a dance and the world around her disappears. Silently at first, she starts to unconsciously mouth the words to a well known prayer in a little known language. Eventually her voice finds sound and an almost lyrical reciting of the prayer can be barely heard above the swish of the blade circling around her. Words can't be made out, but the rhythm is there.

The prayer ends and she opens her eyes, bringing her sword to a stop in the ground before her. It lodges mid way in cleanly, all but ignoring the frost hardened ground. She stares at it for a second, then draws it out of the ground and wipes the dirt away with her thick linen skirt. After staring at it for another moment, she carefully replaces it in its scabbard and looks out over the training yard.::

The mind is most clear in the morning, the body ready to be molded. Teaching is best done now so the muscles have all day to soak what has been learned in and repeat it again the next day. Enough of this and it will become second nature.

:: With minimal clanking, Aniur drops to one knee and examines the flawless slit in the ground created just moments ago by her sword. She takes off one glove and lays it parallel to the small hole. Gently rubbing her still gloved left wrist, she sighs softly.::

Why are you here anyways Takamura? It's obvious by the way you carry yourself and your weapon that your skill is well past the training I could ever possibly provide. Not only that, but you are several years my senior. Even if I had been a prodigy, which I am not, that would not have made up for time lost training.

:Still crouched on the ground, she snatches up her glove in her left hand and looks up at him over her shoulder. Her face appears blank with not a hint of emotion in it, save for her clear blue eyes which stare through him as if there was something more important off in the distance, daring him to answer truthfully.::

Smiling he looked at her glove at it lay next to the scar in the ground. His mind raced as he tried to see through her technique, tried to see how one so small could wield such a large sword so efficiently. His gaze follows her glove as it returns to her hand, before following the curves of her body to her eyes, that seem to pierce his very soul.

He smiles wryly as he gazes into her eyes for a moment, testing her mettle, and seeing if she is worthy to fight him, for that is why he came. Closing his ice blue eyes he looks away from her, appearing unable to maintain her gaze due to his inadequacy, even with his own sword. Shaking his head slowly from one side to the other he answers her, his voice smooth and cool as he looks off into the distance.

"Lady Aniur, I come for two reasons. The first, to test my skill as a ronin against someone as skilled as yourself, and the second to see if you would take in a permanent resident to assist you with training." at this point he looked at her, his eyes sad and lonely. Takamura bowed to her not a moment after, speaking again once he was bent over. "That is, if you would have me." he said before straightening.

Smiling he looked at her glove at it lay next to the scar in the ground. His mind raced as he tried to see through her technique, tried to see how one so small could wield such a large sword so efficiently. His gaze follows her glove as it returns to her hand, before following the curves of her body to her eyes, that seem to pierce his very soul.

Good post, a bit short though just sizing it up without reading it. I'm sure you could have put a bit more into it, but we'll deal with what we have. First things first, make sure that you don't start your sentences with the same word two times in a row. Try to mix it up. The same goes for sentence length. The more variation you have, the more interesting it makes it for your reader. You also need to keep that tense in check. It seems you've started out in past tense conjugating all your verbs with “ed” then in the third sentence switch to present with “s”. This tends to break the flow up considerably so make sure that you have all your tenses in line. I don't really know whats wrong with that last sentence, but I've read it a few times and it doesn't seem to sit right. It might be that you have several sentences handled incorrectly. Or perhaps its just the commas?

He smiles wryly as he gazes into her eyes for a moment, testing her mettle, and seeing if she is worthy to fight him, for that is why he came. Closing his ice blue eyes he looks away from her, appearing unable to maintain her gaze due to his inadequacy, even with his own sword. Shaking his head slowly from one side to the other he answers her, his voice smooth and cool as he looks off into the distance.

Again here, no comma before 'and' unless it's due to being in a list. Then it's required in order to split the two things that belong together as one in the list without confusing it with everything else.
Otherwise its a good attempt. I guess I just have to whip you guys back into shape it looks like. *laughs*
"Lady Aniur, I come for two reasons. The first, to test my skill as a ronin against someone as skilled as yourself, and the second to see if you would take in a permanent resident to assist you with training." at this point he looked at her, his eyes sad and lonely. Takamura bowed to her not a moment after, speaking again once he was bent over. "That is, if you would have me." he said before straightening.  

::Tuning away to face the courtyard once more, Aniur closes her eyes and nods as she replaces her glove. It slides on her small hand easily as she muses over what he has said. She then opens her eyes once more. Changing her pitch slightly, she touches her fingers to the ground and leans forward into them, bracing herself as she stands in one fluid motion.::

We only have a very short time on this earth. It is this that makes every moment important. I would argue that staying here any longer than to gather the few points of knowledge you seek would be futile and a waste of time.

::The light starts to peak over the eastern wall. It bathes the area in its bright glow as it quickly breaches the edge of dawn and overtakes it, pushing the day into morning. Bringing her hand to her face, she shields her eyes from intensity of the light. After a moment, her eyes adjust and she spreads her arms out to either side, giving a small stretch and reveling in the feel of the sunlight on her skin. Some moments, could not be passed by. At least not without some regret. Aniur looks up at the sky for a moment, the clearness of it all amazing her, then turns to face him. She examines him for a moment then shakes her head. Her tone softens slightly.::

You have already made your mind up though. I doubt no matter what I say here you will do as you wish.

::Aniur looks past him and gives a slight nod to the dragon kin standing in the doorway, looking what seemed to be rather out of place. Charges had come and gone over the years, but he had to be the most curious out of the lot. He was humanoid like, but still visibly a dragon with his scales and talon like claws that scraped lightly against everything he touched. Her father had once told her of dragons. Tales of old, wise creatures that had an unearthly grace and dignity to them. When she was finally confronted with such a creature she had many expectations of him. As with many times in the past, most of these preconceived notions were shattered and replaced with the marvelous idea that everyone started out in life, no matter the biology, at about the same place. This was after adjusting for particular racial traits such as life span and natural ability of course. While he was a bit clumsy in action and inarticulate in his communication now, if he continued on with his training he would eventually become one of those great creatures of lore. In perhaps several hundred years, give or take a few hundred. ::

Good morning Aurak. I trust you slept well.

::She rewards him with a small smile for finding his way out to the training grounds with what she hoped was little effort. The one thing she could not quite figure out is why he would not be training under his own kind. They had vast amounts more knowledge than she could ever hope to acquire. Perhaps it was just experience he needed, dealing with other races. Or maybe his appearance was a bit more telling than she was willing to delve into. Was the old world moving on, marked by the destruction of it's most noble of races?

Realizing the had phased out for a moment, she gives herself a small shake and draws her sword.::

So are we ready? Good, lets begin.

"Father? Why am I here? So far I have caused nothing but trouble and this place is against our kind..." He ponders as he slows to a stop in the corridor. Looking up to see a figment of his father, whether it's a spirit or not, it was hard to tell. In despite of unknowing of WHAT it is, he proceeds to think on matters that weigh heavily on his mind. "I just don't understand father, why am I here?"

Yet another very good post. I do admit, you have improved by great measures. All you really have now to do is struggle with not being lazy and picking up the small bits you tend to miss. That will come with more time and practice though.
Nice opening, but we do have a tense issue here,

Looking up to see a figment of his father, whether it is a spirit or not is hard to tell.
or
Looking up to see a figment of his father, he can't tell whether or not it is a spirit or just a hallucination before him.

Either of these work. I made a few other little corrections to it. Now this wasn't an end of the world mistake, but clearing it up as I have said before keeps the flow of the post so people want to know whats next. Instead of getting stuck on some grammar point.


The figure approaches the dragon-kin and places a talon on Aurak's shoulder. "Son, the reason you were sent here was because that you need the training only they can offer. These people can teach you the skills needed to face the dark one." Aurak didn't like the words said, always thinking that he can take the dark one on alone as is. "Father, I can take him on alone, right now! I can, ju-..." his father gives a stern voice as he interrupts his son. "Aurak, Listen to me, you cannot take him on alone! Not Legion! He's too powerful for you right now where you cannot expect your abilities to go your way!"

This is good and quite interesting. As you have probably already read I added in a little bit about you to my post and Aniur's view of the situation. Thank you for going into this little bit. It's given me a bit more to play off of. The only bit you missed here was “gives a stern voice” should be at the very least “takes a stern voice”, kinda like taking a turn for the worse. Or perhaps “takes a stern tone” since his voice isn't actually stern, its the tone of his voice that is.

Aurak droops his head slightly to the words that was said from the figure before him. "Aurak..." Aeros begins; "You need this training right now. Legion is not going to do anything while I'm here, at home. Trust me." Aurak looks up to the figure before him and nods once, understanding the words before him. With that, the figure fades into the vast thin air, soon back to how it was earlier, nothing before him. Though this time, a door is revealed before him.

Again, little things. I would have liked to have seen “to the words that was said” be “to the words coming from”. It's simpler and more to the point. You don't have to be wordy to get your point across. You keep using the word “figure and the phrase “before him”. Remember to switch some of these up. The thesaurus is your friend! Figure could be spirit, image, vision, specter to name a few. Before him is a bit more tricky. I'd say you could just cut it out half the time, the other half again, just substitute words in to make it at least seem different, even if you are saying something different. Still a tiny bit comma heavy, but with how you have it written it works okay.

With curiosity at it's highest, Aurak approaches the wooden door, wrapping his talons around the cold, steel ring that is bolted to that door. Giving a hard pull, the door slowly opens to reveal a barren courtyard, with two figures standing before him, seeming to be communicating with each other. One wearing a white robe, while the other appears to be a female wearing blue and white attire, the white attire appears to be armor pieces.

Another good attempt and very close. Make sure you're reiterating that it's yours or his curiosity, and not just any. You don't always have to do this, but in this case you're being so general it might seem as if you're applying a mood to the overall area. If you are doing this, then ignore this. *laughs* I do like the door description, it's very nice. Be sure not to bog things down with commas though. Sometimes you don't need that pause.

Ivory white armor, that reminds him of one human that wears an entire suit of white armor, similar to hers, his though bears a marking of the Honor guard. Keith solders was the name of the lad. One of the better swordsman in the land, as far as the dragon-kin knew, Though the kin knows very little of the lad.

I see what you did here sneaking in your other character's description. If you're going to go to the trouble, expand on it in your next post. Let your mind wander and perhaps make Aurak's connection with him a bit deeper than you first let on. I would like to see this from you, but it's your choice. I'm interested in what the armor looks like to him. What Aniur sees when she puts her plate on every morning might seem very different from what zee dragon sees on her, just from different experiences. Perhaps he compares them to scales or something.

If either of the two before him were to look towards him at this point, they'd probably see a gleam of green and brown, reflecting off of his scales due to the light illuminating in the general vicinity. Aurak stands there, gawking at the two that stand before him, wondering if they would notice the kin standing there, seeming as how he wasn't noticed back at dinner.  

Very good, continue on.

Seeing the two beings before him, giving Aurak the warm welcome to the arena, generates a more ambitious feeling about him. This gives him the courage to join them both in the so-called 'Training exercise'.

As he moves forward, his clawed feet scrape across the bricked pathway towards them, giving them the fact that he walks in a somewhat lazily fashion. He approaches the two of them as he flexes his talons, prepping himself for the training.

Cannot help but keep looking to the woman's armor, this reminds Aurak more and more of the other character that pledged his life to helping him, as if he was a god, in which though he isn't. Though other, smaller beings tend to see him as one.

Keith solders was the lad's name, about nine-teen years of age and an honor guard to the king, or what WAS the king of the realm Aurak once lived. Now, the king being deceased and taken over by a dark dragon that clearly never wanted his services. The honor guard was banished from the realm and was thrown through a dark portal. Wherever that portal lead to, no-one knew, not even legion.

After about a year, Keith managed to find his way back to his home realm and finds the Dragon-Kin. Communicating with Aurak, as if he was trying to make a deal, barters with him. The honor guard basically became the Dragon's body guard, like Aurak needs one anyway. Now, the honor guard awaits for the kin's return.

"Good morning Aurak, I trust you slept well." Says the armored woman before him as he approaches them. "Yes, I did sleep well outside in the nice damp grass." The dragon-kin replies in a respectable tone. His voice-print is obviously noticeable once heard. The dragon's voice is like any other male dragons voice, a deep tone with a sophisticated sound. Not like a bass tone, but something similar to a medium-to-low pitch.

After getting to them finally, he places himself so that it seems that three are standing in a triangular pattern, something he is quite fond of. Instead of just one-on-one battles, the kin prefers brawls of three or more, a free-for-all if you will.

You Will Never Be A Man

Watching the armored woman pointing to the dummy, showing that she wants him to attack the mass of straw, cloth, and wood before him. "Attack that, show me your skills.", says the woman, just wanting to see how his skills are.

It took me a moment to figure out what was wrong with that first sentence, but I did. You have both watching and pointing in the first part of the sentence. This does not work. You don't explicitly say that its your watching me. Instead you go right into her action of pointing and you can't do that with the present continuous form. You are watching while I am preforming a series of events that should take place in either present or past tense. This can be fixed in a few ways. You could cut out my action from being present continuous:

"Watching the armored woman as she points to the dummy, she shows him that she wants him to attack the mass of straw, cloth and wood before him."

This is messy though! You need to follow up after that comma with a direct address of what you are doing. Something like this would have been better:

"Watching the armored woman as she points to the dummy, Aurak comes to the conclusion she wants him to attack the mass of straw, cloth and wood before him before she makes the request."


Looking to the motionless target before him, Aurak flexes his talons again as they start to glow in a cyan blue tint, prepping himself for the attack. What is playing in his mind is to charge at it, slamming the palm of his onyx claw onto the dummy, thus releasing a pulse of ice. That pulse should freeze the target in place. Then finally, do a 'leg sweep' with his tail, sending it to the ground, shattering it from the sheer force of it slamming to the ground.

This is a nice little description I don't have a problem with. There are some different choices I would have made in the wording, but it does have your particular flair while maintaining grammatical correctness.

Positioning himself for the charge, he takes a step forward, then something stops him. Was it the fact that the target before him was just an in-animate object, similar to the one he nearly lost his talon in before? Or was it that he heard voices from a different direction? Well, the target wasn't an issue, he can always do something different if there was a repeat of that. Though, it was voices, they were recognized as the woman and the samurai.

Not being able to help but keep an ear on their conversation, he listens to it from his location, trying not to reveal that he's listening to their exchange of words.

"Within your being contains a lifetime of experience I could never hope to obtain. I doubt I would be a proper sparring partner. If anything you would spend most if not all your time instructing me on how to use a lighter weapon such as yours. I am sure if I took the time to give you insight on heavier weapons, you would master them quickly."

Here, in the same general area, Aurak notices that the armored woman admits some of her weaknesses. This get's his mind ticking. Humans, why do they always reveal their weaknesses to those they do not know? That gives a good chance that the person that learned the information to exploit the weakness and ultimately defeat her in a duel. This was what he learned back once upon a time, when he was learning to fight himself; never reveal your weakness, anyone can use it to their advantage if they wanted to. here, she's saying it in the presence of an equal and greater being. Shaking his head disapprovingly, Aurak knows that she made have made a grave mistake, not by his own claws, but by the Samurai's hands.

The instructor begins again to the samurai, as the dragon-kin listens, interested in hearing more in what she has to say.

"You are more than welcome to stay as long as you wish. Whether I want you here or not is not the point. You need to do what is right for you. If you feel your efforts would be best served here then by all means, please stay. There is never a shortage of students to teach and when in great numbers I can't expected to keep track of them all, try as I might."

Aurak was expecting something totally different, something like that she didn't want others to stay. How she worded it was rather intriguing. Now he's thinking, with that quote being said, she may end up asking the dragon-kin to stay for some strange reason, whether it's to help train upcoming students in the ways of magic, or physical fighting, self-defense or whatnot. Why he expects that, not even he knows. Normally he don't get his hopes up all about that anyways, like anyone in such a higher rank in the power ladder like her would ask a strange creature to stay. Bah, I doubt that'll happen anyways, besides, I need to face Legion. Before that though, this is required. With that, he shrugs off that quote and continues to listen to hear one more sentence from her.

"Your company would not at all be unwelcome..."

Now is the Samurai's turn to speak, let's see what this lad has to say in response.

"I thank you for your kindness Sensei, but I have one last request, fight me. Let us lock swords in combat and fight with all our hearts, as true warriors, not Sensei and pupil."

Now he want's to, 'lock swords' with her in combat. Now knowing of the samurai's true intentions, or so Aurak ponders about. Not as pupil and master, but as true warriors? This ought to be good... With that, Aurak turns to face them, he cannot help but turn to face the two of them. If he was to get any understanding in swordsmanship, this would probably be the only time ever that he'll get to see the two swordsman in combat. A heavy and a light wielder, the dragon-kin know a little bit about people with the rank of swordsman, they all differ by the type of sword they carry.

The Samurai, one of the quickest ones on two feet, due to their sword which is almost literally light as a feather to them, with the ability to pull off more quicker strategies. Sometimes, one can be standing in one side of their vision, the opponent can blink, only to see that the swordsman is now at the other side of the peripheral vision, about to slice through the opponent with lethal intent.

The heavier weapon, the broadsword, can deliver more mighty blows, but one has to be used to the sheer weight of the blade. Using it to their advantage is the key to victory. Knowing when to use her muscles to slow the blade to a stop, to swing in a different direction and send it through an opponent, with sheer grace mind you, is one of the most difficult processes she can go through. Their swords may go slower, by a fraction, that does not mean that they are the weaker ones. It just means that they know the ways of the broadsword enough to handle it to their advantage.

What can I say, it's a good post. Other than the first little issue with actions belonging to particular persons, you have a nice bit of writing here. I do have a bit of trouble with your use of commas, but that's really just my own creative signature yelling at me to rewrite it in the way is pleasing to me. Grammatically it's good. I would still warn you to watch the commas, creatively they all read as pauses and if you have too many it seems almost as if your thoughts are studdering. Keep up the good work.