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[Norse - Thor] Totally Hammered - Open for Crit! *Hide* Goto Page: [] [<] 1 2

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Black Duvet

PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 9:17 am


Sorry for the wait. Let's get started.

Novastrike
Lost Children. Fa'e. Well, shoot, I thought, and then Psyren said "ENTER! You can do it!" so I had to research. Seeing such little Norse-dom, and a raging love of the Celts and Japanese, I said "WELL HAY, LET'S GO NORDIC".

I can understand you saying Celts, since I mistook Norse mythology for being the same or very similar to Celtic mythology, but where in the world did Japan come into the equation? It's all the way on the other side of the world, for God's sake. Norse =/= Celtic =/= Japanese. From my understanding (and I may be wrong), Norse originated from Norway and the areas around it. More of a nitpick than anything else, though.

Now it is time to nitpick at your character! Hooray! Unless I indicate otherwise, most of these are going to be nitpicks, so uh.... get your nitpicking shield ready?

Novastrike
Red hair, with a long, thin braid down one side (Think a Padawan)

... So he has Padawan hair? Why? Thor is like the big beefy man of the Norse pantheon. I can't see why in the world he would have a braid. Unless he wanted to pick up girls. Yeah. Girls.

Novastrike
usually wears a weightlifter's belt

Okay, not only does this set off my "WHY?" warning but it also seems like cliche characterization. As in, "I'm big and strong! THIS BELT PROVES IT," rather than, you know, actually demonstrating his own strength. What in the world are those things good for anyway? Unless he likes bling. Yeah. Bling.

Novastrike
[...] wears a pendant of a war hammer as well. (Such pendants were once thought to invoke the protection of Thor.)

So he's invoking.... his own protection? That makes no sense. You think the man'd be able to fend for himself. And uh. More bling? Yeah. Bling.

Novastrike
When he gets older he'll have a neat, tidy beard, tied into two braids, peaking, at his oldest phase, around the length of Dumbledore's.

This is me continuing to nitpick - but - this sets off warning bells for me. So is Tomas following in the exact same steps that he took in his past life? Once a burly man, always a burly man? You don't have to try and set him to Thor to a T. You're allowed to mess with him a little. But if that's what you're aiming for, that's fine too, it just seems odd to me.

Novastrike
He's kind of open to taking travellers in, even if they look like a total idiot.

Kind of open? So, one day a family of stragglers could come to his door, begging for food, and he would say "Take them in? Hmmm... I just don't feeeeeeeeel like it." Either he does or he doesn't. There is no "kind of."

Novastrike
Goats: OK, this is a GAG--somewhat. Tomas can, as long as the bones are not broken, kill, and eat his two pet Goats, then put them back together the next morning and revive them, as Thor did with his two. However if this does come up he'll likely do it by accident and scare himself. XD So this is iffy (Like the Strength one).

Wow, I'm actually not nitpicking for once. Ok, for one thing, this is an interesting power (although very very very dependent on his past life blahblahblah), but does it only apply to his goats? Can it apply to other animals he cares for too? Does it apply to all animals? I'd like to see you play with this more.

Okay, I'm done looking over the character. Here are some things for you to consider:

- Tomas is exactly like Thor. And I mean exactly like Thor. It's like you want to play Thor but you have to revive him first. What's up with that. I'd really, really like for you to consider more about what Thor would do with a second life, even if he'd want a second life, why he deserves to be reborn as a Fa'e (ICly), ect ect ect. The snake thing seems to be the only deviation you've made from the character of ALMIGHTY THOR. Mess around a little!
- He has no personality section. I guess it's okay the way it is now because I got the picture anyway, but it just makes him seem more flat (and THOR THOR THOR - see above). Please write one out.
- ... I think that's it.

I'm onto your history now. Please link to your sources, even if you're only using Wikipedia (which I don't recommend, btw - a simple google search will give you more sources, and maybe even bring up more interesting information for you to consider). Also, I forgot about Sif. It might be interesting if he had something residual from his old wife, or had something for girls with red (or was it gold? I forget her hair color) hair, ect. Otherwise, the history is fine.

ssssssssssooooooooooo I'm done and

well all I can really say is that it's good, but the whole 'exactly like his past life' thing seems really weird. Sure you could probably squeak by with it but is it really going to be that fun roleplaying him when he's EXACTLY LIKE HIS PAST LIFE? I dunno, it's up to you in the end. Usually, Fa'e do something different, though.

so. yeah. done. sorry if this seemed too blunt for you. ^^;;
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 11:20 pm


I can kinda see where you're coming from. Part of Tomas'; issue is, he's not all awarte he's Thor, and the hammer pendant is like his security blanket. The blet actually lends back to the strength issue (I tend to be a slightly literaly thinker more often than not). He has other quirks, most of which I get a little iffy at times mentioning since I'm never very good with mentioning since it's not stuff I'm sure helps.

Such as the fact Tomas is a total s**t who throws hammers just to annoy his Guardian's daughter, ETC.

Yeah, Padawan hair. XD I'm flexible though.

As for the looks, I'm thinking more if Tomas is raised as a Lost Child, and his guardian actually studies mythology, so Tomas would grow up around it. Might be a minor quirk. I'd have to RP and see where he'd go ultimately, but some appearances would come back to varying degrees. He lived so freaking long, some stuff probably hhung onto the soul.

As for travellers, I use "kind of" ALOT in my colloquial. That's just a personal quirk.

The Convocation


Black Duvet

PostPosted: Mon Feb 26, 2007 4:16 pm


I'm sorry, but... I couldn't understand your post at all. If you have an issue with my crit, please just speak to me normally, you don't have to tumble over your words. sweatdrop
PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 1:06 pm


I don't have problem with it at all. I just write very conversationally. I'm also not used to going over a paragraph outside of RP or school papers. *Is a very quiet sort*

The Convocation

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