Aryah
Clarinet Jokes:
~How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
~What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
~What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
~How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
~What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
~What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
Durza the Shade
Here's another from the poster: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Neko Kafweenu
Aryah
Flute Jokes:
~How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
~Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
~How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
~Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
I got two:
What's the difference between a flutist and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops whining once in a while.
How many flutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. She gets her boyfriend to do it.
Aryah
Double Reed Jokes!
~Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
~What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
~What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
~What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
~How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner
~Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
~What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
yeah, I'm doing these for all the sections...
~Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
~What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
~What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
~What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
~How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner
~Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
~What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
yeah, I'm doing these for all the sections...
Aryah
okies... some trombone jokes...:
~What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
~How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1.Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2.Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
~How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
~What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
~What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
An optimist.
~What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
~How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
~How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
~How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
~What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."
~How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
~What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
Tuba:
~What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
~How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
~What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
~How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
~These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!
hehee.. now that I've prolly offended everyone...
~What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
~How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1.Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2.Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
~How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
~What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
~What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
An optimist.
~What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
~How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
~How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
~How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
~What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."
~How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
~What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
Tuba:
~What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
~How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
~What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
~How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
~These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!
hehee.. now that I've prolly offended everyone...
Aryah
some percussion jokes:
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
None. They have a machine to do that.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.
"You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."
"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"
"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"
Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
None. They have a machine to do that.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.
"You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."
"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"
"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"
Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."
Aryah
Sax Jokes ( blaugh ):
~You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
~What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
The grip.
~What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
~The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
~You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
~What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
The grip.
~What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
~The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
Aryah
Okay, and now for horn jokes... b/c you must learn to laugh at yourself! xp
~How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.
~How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes
~What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
~What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
~How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
~Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
~How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1."Hi. I played that last year."
2."Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
~A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
~How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.
~How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes
~What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
~What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
~How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
~Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
~How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1."Hi. I played that last year."
2."Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
~A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
Aryah
Hrm... I think I'll post some instrument jokes in all the sectional threads...
~How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
~What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
~What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
~How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
~Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
~In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
~How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
~What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
~What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
~How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
~Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
~In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
