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 Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 9:32 am
Well, I'm not a single parent, but I totally support those who are.
My parents are one of those EXACTLY who stuck together for the sake of the kids. MY parents divorced, oh say when I was in 4th grade? And a year later, they got back together. It was one of the most confusing times in my life. Honestly, I didn't get to see my dad everyday but the times I did it was a positive experience.
Then, they got back together. Having parents that loved each other was a foreign concept to me. I would see my parents bicker and fight, even when they thought we all were asleep, when they thought we were looking. I'm lucky to have a relationship now where I can say hey I actually love my husband and we had a child conceived of love. Which blows my mind everyday. I can't help but have a nag of fear in the back of my mind that it's not going to last or something will ruin it. I'm scared to think what I would do if we weren't together, what would it do to Logan?
After growing up through that stuff, it's a mistake I never want to make, it really sticks with you. I know a lot of times when it comes to divorce, it becomes ugly and personal between the two people. Which I told my ILs and my husband I would never deny him his child (he's all ready had that happen once. He's also been in a previous relationship where he tried to stay with the bio mom).
It's a complicated situation. I think it's great that there are parents here who care so deeply for their children, but I have to second what Glitter said.
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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 3:43 pm
Well that and children have this incredible knack for personalizing everything in their lives, meaning that if mommy and daddy always fight, they'll find a way that it was their fault it's happening. They don't have the reasoning skills at that point to realize it's not about them.
Case in point, like Luna I came from a home where my parents CONSTANTLY fought about everything even though they tried to do it when we were sleeping or not around: trust me, we knew. And I always thought it was my fault and to an extent, I still do. Why? They got married because I was conceived and I was born two months after the ceremony. If I hadn't come around, they never would have married and they wouldn't have stayed together. They could have been happy.
As I got older and was able to understand better, all I really wished for was that they'd seperate so they could at least be happy and not fighting. So please consider the other side of this: having unhappily married parents is just as bad as having divorced ones. Either way you go it's going to affect your children and having a sham of a family is equally as hurtful as not having the other parent there. And for the sake of argument, had your father been home, I don't think he would have been any more doting then after the divorce, he just would have been sleeping there. Blaming a divorce for your father's behaviour is silly.
As for custody, that's no longer true and I've known several women who did not automatically get full custody: that's a myth. I just asked my husband and a couple we knew who recently seperated, the husband got full custody. It depends on your situation and who the courts feel will provide a more stable environment. Your gender is a moot point. (He's also a product of a seperated home and was glad his parents divorced when he was about 5/6 rather then stay together and fight all the time. It's really going to depend on the child and the circumstances of the seperation.)
But what I'm not understanding is why you'd be so gunho to have to fight for custody: can't the two of you be adult enough to equally split your child's time? I find it heart breaking that so many couples duke it out so that one parent gets the kids 26-28 days of the month and the other only gets every other weekend and for a couple weeks during the summer. As long as you two can be adults about this, it won't have to be a super painful experience. As long as your son knows he's loved, he'll grow to understand and eventually realize it was for the better.
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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:02 pm
Yeah, one of the guys that I went to school with lived with his dad for one week and then his mom for one week. They lived in the same community though. So, it he could go to school and spend equal ammounts of time with each parent for the most part.
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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 9:18 pm
Im reading all the posts and I didn't think there would be so many other single parents or single parents in similar situations. I've been sick for the past two days and this is the first time I've been sick since I had my son. OMG all I wanted to do was go to sleep and all he wanted to do was play, cry, eat, and make noise. These are the times it gets really hard. It would be nice to have someone to take him while I get rest; but I know one day he'll appreciate the sacrafices I've made for him. My Mothe was a good exapmle of a wonderful single mother so I think Im going to be fine if I emulate her.
I wish you all the best in your personal situations. I believe that at times it's best to be a great single parent than a terrible, miseralble, negelectful parent in a bad relationship. Sometimes its best to be a single parent if it's going to make you a better mother or father.
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 8:42 pm
D went through his testing today. Now I have to play the waiting game to see how his tests came out. I'm gonna be glad when this is over. sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 11:51 pm
Quote: EDIT: I'm sorry I made the mistake of reading your journal. I think it's sad that you're looking forward to getting high instead of having a baby. You can't use drugs like that and be a good mother. Andrew should be ashamed of himself for encouraging your reckless and negligent behavior. Yah, I have been taking some thought into what i've said about that, and quite frankily i don't really care much about the drugs anymore, i care more about my child then some damn drugs *shrugs* And, it took me awhile to realize it. *shrugs* And i can understand that i was being stupid & selfish. Andrew refuses to let me do alot of things, especially drugs after the child is born, i'm glad he's changed & he's making me change too. Thanks for making me see that *huggies*
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:50 pm
I'm really glad to hear that Chesire. Also, if he's going into the military and wants to help take care of you and your child, he really can't be doing that sort of thing if he wants to stay in. I know I probably came off as a b***h, but I know I would be eaten up by guilt in that situation. It's hard being a young mom and a huge learning experience. Things change SO much when they're born, that's for sure! biggrin
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:33 pm
Yeah, drugs and the military don't mix. I think they do drug tests fairly regularly too. Either way good luck with that.
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Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 12:14 am
lunashock I'm really glad to hear that Chesire. Also, if he's going into the military and wants to help take care of you and your child, he really can't be doing that sort of thing if he wants to stay in. I know I probably came off as a b***h, but I know I would be eaten up by guilt in that situation. It's hard being a young mom and a huge learning experience. Things change SO much when they're born, that's for sure! biggrin That's why he's going to quit smoking when he gets back from his vacation in Texas, he returns back here July 14th, and we've both decided to make alot of positive changes.
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Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 5:34 am
D's tests came back negative. His doctor told me that the tests were to make sure that there wasn't a medical reason for him being so short. Turn out he's so short because I'm so short. wink
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Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 8:55 am
Subbie I don't want to be like that. I couldn't stand to be apart from my son for more then 2 minutes. What if I leave her, I fight for custody and lose. Then what? Most judges award full custody to the mother reguardless of anything else. It sucks, and I so don't know if I want to take that chance. If it was guaranteed that I would win the case, well we wouldn't be having this talk. However, I don't think I would win, and she would take him down to her parents. They ive in Southern New York, and I would be too far away to see my child anymore. So I don't know what I would do then. Life wouldn't be worth living if I couldn't wake up and see my son. So that's why everyday I will get up and put on a show, so that I can wake up and not worry about my son not being there when I wake up. I hope you're right, and your son doesn't feel the tension around you two. As you know, however, it's easy to tell when two people don't get along. You can just feel it, you know? If they are miles away, you can still make time for him. Have him spend summers with you, or at least half of them. School vacations, whatever. Do whatever you can to show him that between the two of you, things haven't changed. If you don't want to disappear from your son's life, then don't. Just because you aren't with his mother doesn't mean you can't make time for him. My kids' father is never around. I haven't seen him in nearly a year, and neither have the kids. We are not divorced yet, but have been separated for some time, and he wants joint custody. I am perfectly willing to grant that with no argument, but because he is never around, I am not willing to take that step. My daughter (10) can't stand him most of the time because of his empty promises, and my son practically hates him, and I understand, because my father wasn't there either. But like another person said, the abandonment thing is your own issue, and you don't have to make it his. If you want to be there, then be there. It really is that simple.
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 8:02 pm
Single mom to three girls, ages 16, 11, and 5. The kids don't see their dads, nor do I get child support, or occasionally I get a check for a few dollars, I think the highest one was $24. I know there are a lot of people out there that think 3 kids, 3 dads, what's the matter with this woman? Bear in mind they are 5 years apart. So much for finding Mr. Right rolleyes
It's tough being the only one there all of the time, the one responsible for the finances, discipline, etc... My mom has always been very supportive, but I don't think I've had a "kidless" night since my youngest was born eek gonk
But in the long run, they've been the very best part of my life, and I wouldn't give them up for anything. Staying in a bad relationship for the sake of the kids isn't good. My oldest 2 watched me go through sheer hell trying to make things work. In the end, we were all very relieved when my ex left as he had started to develop a violent attitude. Some days I think to myself, How am I managing this? But then, knowing we are safe, have a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc, knowing we won't pushed around or belittled ~ that reminds me why I'm where I'm at, and that no matter what, I've done the right thing.
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Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2005 12:53 am
I've been a single mom for almost 17 years now (my daughter was born july 9th) and my ex husband left me 3 days after she was born for a friend of mine. He has never payed support and even walked out of the courtroom a few times yet this so called mew law still does nothing. I don't even care anymore, I've fully supported us both for all these years and am darn proud of the wonderful girl I have. It's his loss he was never a part of her life for all these years. It is only now that SHE looked him up and started to go talk to him as she wanted to meet/get to know her half sister and brother on his side. As much as I truely hated him at times I never spoke a bad word about him to her and when she was little used to make excuses that he was just working or busy and couldn't see her for birthdays or holidays. As she got older she knew better on her own but I still didn't want to turn her from him despite what a fool he was in my eyes.
Its not easy by any means but its not impossible, sure you miss more then you should having to work one or two or even 3 jobs at once like I have at times to keep her fed and clothed. My heart goes out to all of you just starting out and facing this, its a hard road alone but it is worth it. My daughter and I are very close and can talk openly and honestly now about anything. I know she will still need guidence on her path but at 17 the 9th of this month I trust her to know how to make the right descisions and she has yet to prove me wrong. Heck she calls without being told if she'll be late and always tells me where she is going and with who and will leave even her group of closest friends if they are doing something that makes her uncomfortable (like drinking) and comes home and tells me.
I don't judge her friends or try to chose them for her as that would only lead to her going behind my back the way I see it, as I said, she trusts me enough to tell me these things so I trust her enough to let go a little and let her start to spread her wings and man oh man is it hard at times but she always comes through with flying colors and makes me proud all over again. I just thank the stars she is not a follower and uses her head, so I guess if nothing else I did one thing right in my life... her. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2005 5:10 am
miyna Subbie I don't want to be like that. I couldn't stand to be apart from my son for more then 2 minutes. What if I leave her, I fight for custody and lose. Then what? Most judges award full custody to the mother reguardless of anything else. It sucks, and I so don't know if I want to take that chance. If it was guaranteed that I would win the case, well we wouldn't be having this talk. However, I don't think I would win, and she would take him down to her parents. They ive in Southern New York, and I would be too far away to see my child anymore. So I don't know what I would do then. Life wouldn't be worth living if I couldn't wake up and see my son. So that's why everyday I will get up and put on a show, so that I can wake up and not worry about my son not being there when I wake up. I hope you're right, and your son doesn't feel the tension around you two. As you know, however, it's easy to tell when two people don't get along. You can just feel it, you know? If they are miles away, you can still make time for him. Have him spend summers with you, or at least half of them. School vacations, whatever. Do whatever you can to show him that between the two of you, things haven't changed. If you don't want to disappear from your son's life, then don't. Just because you aren't with his mother doesn't mean you can't make time for him. My kids' father is never around. I haven't seen him in nearly a year, and neither have the kids. We are not divorced yet, but have been separated for some time, and he wants joint custody. I am perfectly willing to grant that with no argument, but because he is never around, I am not willing to take that step. My daughter (10) can't stand him most of the time because of his empty promises, and my son practically hates him, and I understand, because my father wasn't there either. But like another person said, the abandonment thing is your own issue, and you don't have to make it his. If you want to be there, then be there. It really is that simple. Yeah I did end up leaving, but she let him live with me, and we'll be going to court shortly to finalize it. So he will live with me and she will take him when she wants because we're going to do Joint Custody. So yeah I figured out what you said before I read what you said. eek
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Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2005 5:40 pm
Subbie Yeah I did end up leaving, but she let him live with me, and we'll be going to court shortly to finalize it. So he will live with me and she will take him when she wants because we're going to do Joint Custody. So yeah I figured out what you said before I read what you said. eek I'm glad to hear things (sorta) worked out. I'm also glad you're doing right by your son. I know so many guys who don't, and it's so refreshing to hear a guy who not only says how much he loves his child, but who actually shows it by doing everything he can for him. You're one of the good ones, and it's her loss.
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