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Dear GGG Journal,

This is an entry I made in my dead journal on the 18th of June but I think It will serve a good purpose here since it is mostly about my thoughts.... Not that many peaople will understand them!!!

I sit here daydreaming at 4 o' clock in the morning. As I watch Michael who was at the time watching me as well. You can see in his eyes that he is tired! But still he stares at me quietly... Sometimes when I sit like this I hope, for him, that I am doing the right thing. I feel more and more like a bad mother these days. I am so busy, it almost seems that I am neglecting him of the time with me he so desperately desires and needs! Not to mention I allow him to go over his Biologcal a** Holes house, whom I know for sure is neglacting him for not two but four hours now every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. But I sit and think that perhaps "I am overreacting he isn't hurting Michael... He isn't sleeping rather than caring for him... He wasn't the on who locked Michael in a car while he "worked" on it in the nearly blistering 95 degree heat!" But in my heart I know I am a bad mom... Simply because I can not protect him from the evils that are out there... My mom says that all parents go through this... That my coming to realization with it was just premature, because of the circumstances. I just hope more and more that Chris will come to the realization that he is doing these things to Michael and they are hendering Michael's developement and either leave and never look back which is the biggest wish I have nowadays... Or I will even settle for him pulling his head out of his butt and saying "you know I realize I haven't done good things in the past, but you know what lets work together to raise Michael..." I have decided that this will never work if we don't "at least" find a common ground where he says you know these are my boundries what are yours!!! But on those accounts I garuntee that I am just talking from my a**!!!

On another subject generally related to my life as it has been for the past few weeks...I have been thinking seriously about the things I want in life... And for those of you who do not know me well the following are what I most intimately desire from my now far screwed up life... Not in this order!

1. Marriage (A huge traditanal wedding with a stone church and the works) *more and more this seems an impossible feat!!!*
2.My dream home (A three story ten bedroom home in the middle of a large plot of land)
3. A very large family (at least ten children)

But for some reason these things seem almost unattainable... James seems less and less interested in my two most important dreams... Marriage and children... And anymore those goals (and Michael) are what seems to keep me going!!! sad He tells me how he doesn't know what he wants from this relationship... Well mine are easy all I want is companianship, love, and my ultimate goal in any relationship is marriage. But of course I ask him for his top three and he tells me that he doesn't know what his top three are... but he KNOWS that sex is in his top five... I am beginning to feel that, that is all I am good for to any guy, because essentially that is what every guy I have been attrached to has felt for me... A simple primative urge and nothing more!!!

But back a little to the thoughts I was having on the subjects I mentioned before. I think that I would wish to share some of my ideas about the three and maybe why these things are so important to me.

As I sit here and ponder I can see my wedding with a small quartette playing the "Pachabel Canon" as I walk down the isle in the traditional long flowing gown but still I don't see my to be husband, he is but a tall man with a black spot on his face... But anyway I think that possibly my wedding is important to me because I feel I need to make up for lost time. Since I have had Michael I have been on a desperate search for someone who will be a "good" father to him... I thought I was lucky and found one in the first man I dated after he was born. But yet again I have been wrong! James has been turning out to be more and more self centered and I see him with Mikes and don't see the man I started dating nearly a year ago. I think that perhaps I should break up with him soon. maybe it will reduce some of the pain I feel. But then again there are days that he show utter uninhibited love for Michael and I (without complaint) and I rethink my prior thought of break up! Then my thoughts go to the children I want to have ( I say "I" because James doesn't think he wants more that two or three) for some strange reason following the birth of Mikes I have felt completely unfofilled a feeling I didn't have when I was pregnant with him. I desire more than anything to have another child. To feel needed. A feeling I havn't had since Mikes learned to crawl. And I think that I will feel that way if I have another child... But I know that that could not happen right now... Because I live with my mother... And my current boyfriend seems to feel disattached (I guess) from me...

But anyway I think I will stop babbling and get working on my homework...for anyone who reads this i apolgize for rabling so much it is just my thoughts on life

Sincerly,
Brittany

Dear GGG Journal
Well my sister is back from Europe but she is not talking much yet because she is so tired. She brought me a pin from every country she visited ( I collect pins) and a necklace. Also a shirt from Rome.!!

Dear GGG Journal

Okay today I am fuming mad.
I went on vacation, my baby sister went with me.
We had tons of fun.
So we come home after a week of R. and R. Only to find out
that her lazy a** husband has lost thier house!
Now I have to help her move again, into a smaller apartment than the one
they just moved from!
Oh I am haveing feelings of anger and hate towards this discusting man
I call my brother-in-law.
He was supposed to get a lawyer and a contract drawn up with the people
he was buying the house from, but he never did.
and now the people want my sister and her husband out of the house, becasue
they are moving back in.

GGGRRRR.

Dear GGGJ,
scream scream scream I can't believe it *grr* I just can't believe it!!! My son's a** hole father (parden the language) is at it again!!!... Ok *take a deep breath* on Sunday my son went to see his sperm donor for four hours!!! First the d*** wad took him to his mother's house and tries to feed him lunch at 1:00 PM AFTER I TOLD HIM HE HAD ALREADY EATEN!!!! To give you all a better explaination of why this irks me so is that my ex has five brothers and two sisters and of course a mom and a dad... Out of all of the men two of them are not clinically obese The Jerks dad and older brother (his brother doesn't weigh much because he was kicked out of the house and can hardly afford rent on his wages, much less food)!!! And all of the women are so heavy that they can't (and don't want to) move! No offense to people who actually have other problems that cause obesity because i don not have a problem with that... But when all you do is sit around and feed your six year old kid enough to fuel a buffalo (sp?) for a week it disgusts me! And even worse they are doing it to MY son!!!
Anyhoo supposedly the a** hole takes Mikes home after an hour (it takes about 15 minutes to get to his current house from his mother's, who lives about two blocks from me (*shivers*) ) When he gets home Mikes is asleep in his heater oven of a truck and the a** hole lets him sleep! Well being the f*** head that he is he leave the eight ounce bottle of breast milk in the truck!!! Now just for a little information it takes me about two days to make one of these and just letting one sit in the 110 degree heat in the middle of a truck that amplifies the heat is like stabbing me in the heart!!! Needless to say it was left out there for four hours (luckily I froze it and it was still cold when I got mikes home) and Michael went with out for FOUR hours!!!

And better yet when I sent Mikes last night to his sperm donor's house the jerk had the balls to write back that he had only left it in the car because Mikes was asleep for the entire time he had him! And he didn't think that it was that important! Well I have told him COUNTLESS times how hard it is for me to make those bottles!!! But I want my son to have a good first year... so I keep pluggin' along gonk Then he say "I was just being a good father!!!" Ha good fathers are not only there when it is convinient to them!!! They are either there all the time!!! Or they pay their child support and seperate the visitations 50/50... The reason he didn't get to have Mikes 50/50 is because he is a threat to michael's well being!!! And he has already proven to be a BAD father by refusing to pay his child support!

T'ed off
Brittany

GGG,

my dad has been making me drive everywhere for practice. i'm so excited to finally learn how to drive! i have to have to take my permit to the dmv tomorrow. i drove all the way from enid to just outside the city limits saturday, and then i drove the entire way home on monday. it's been a little scary at times (i almost hit a dog on the way home!) but i am getting much more confident and a lot better at staying in my lane.

as for the fourth, we didn't really do anything on the actual day, since that was the day we came home, but my dad's gf was born on the fourth, so her family had a party on sunday night that we went to, with a private fireworks show and everything! my son got to swim in a kiddie pool, there were extremely well behaved dogs (one was a dalmation, even) for him to play with, and everyone complimented my dad's gf and me on how well behaved and polite my son is. he is really getting good about excusing himself in crowds and when he burps, has been remembering please, thank you, and you're welcome for a while, and listens as well as or better than any other two year old i've met. he's very affectionate, too, and that always gets people to fall in love with him. of course, people always love his mohawk.

Dear GGG journal,

I'm feeling very confused.

I've recently found out that my best friend tried to make some moves on this guy that I'm love with. And the worst part is that I didn't find out from her. In fact she has yet to tell me about it. He actually told me himself that she tried stuff on him (I won't elaborate) and that he constantly pushed her away and told her no. Eventually he just ditched her, cause he didn't want to just like be harsh to her because he knows that she's my best friend. But the thing is I've had the chance to do some stuff with the guy that she is like totally in love with, but I pushed him away. HE tried stuff on ME. But still I pushed him away. Hmm I suppose this makes no sence, perhaps I should start form the beginning.

Well I guess I could start on the night me and her got pretty drunk and we decided to go to this guy's house that she really likes, well more like loves. I wasn't as nearly as drunk as she, Breann, was but I was still kinda tipsy. So we went over there and she could barely stand on her own. The guy she likes, Bryson, didn't really care so he kinda helped me take care of her. But then when she was downstairs passed out, we were upstairs just talking, when he suddenly kissed me. I was suprised and pushed him away, but he continued to try and kiss me and I still tried to push him away. He was kissing me on my neck and was trying to get up my shirt and all I could think of was Breann and how I was letting her down. I finally pushed him hard enough away and I went to the other side of the room. I said that he shouldn't do that again cause Breann really liked him. He just backed down and then I went downstairs to wake up her so we could go home, cause that was all I wanted to do then. We finally got out of there and in the morning I told Breann that he tried to kiss me and that I pushed him away, and that's all I told her. I didn't really wan to tell her the other stuff that he tried to do cause.. well I dunno, I just didnt want to hurt her. She was glad that I pushed him away and that was that.

Last week I had a couple of people over including the guy I'm totally head over heels for, Jon, and Breann. And well I got PRETTY drunk. It wasn't my intention to get as drunk as I did, but I was, and I passed out early into the party. Everyone was kinda tipsy, some more than others. I've heard stories from my other friends who where there including Jon. (On a side note, Jon took care of me most of the night until I went to sleep whee ) Apparently she was trying to kiss him and trying to take off his pants but he just kept backing away and saying no. But she kept persisting and eventually he just pushed her (not hard) away fom him and yelled no. She finally got the hint and left him alone. The next morning I woke up at like 7:30am and I went downstairs to see everyone all crashed. I woke them all up, cause I'm SUCH a nice person and they evetually got up. xp I asked what happened and I got told like the usual. It wasn't until yesterday that I actually found out what happened between them. My other girl friend who was there was trying to talk to Breann and to tell her to tell me what she did and Breann said that she wasn't going to. Apparently they all knew except me... and I had to find out through Jon.

Now I'm not one to get angry or hold a grudge. I'm pretty easy going about everything so I just kept my cool and I'm just trying to not tihnk about it. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should bring it up or what. She knows that I'm in love with this guy but then she goes and tried to get with him. I could have totally done the same thing to her with Bryson, but I didn't beacuse shes my best friend. I really don't want this to ruin our friendship cause we've known eachother since kindergarten. I'm just so confused and I really don't know what I'm going to do... knowing me I'll just leave it, but all my other friends think that I should do something about it. They all thought I should be angry for what she did but the thing is I'm really not. ...well I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't a TINY bit choked, but the thing is I'm more sad than anything because she didn't come out and tell me herself. I'm just in a delema.If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Hmm well it just felt nice to type out all of my confusion... I'm greatful for this journal, where I know my thoughts are safe.

Dear GGG,

I'm five weeks into the six week summer program to get my teaching certification. I've got to teach a lesson to the class tomorrow, which should be fun. I plan on dressing up in Elizabethan clothing, and having appropriate music going in the background, and teaching the Sonnets. All of it seems to be going really well..
The problem: If I don't have a job teaching in a public school by the time school starts, these hours get taken away from my Masters. I get dropped from the Masters track, and still have to take a ton more classes (instead of three) to get full my certification. There's only really been one nibble to any of the resumes I've sent out. I don't know what more I can do....