|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 2:07 pm
caitlin_neko madamfluff caitlin_neko Finally it's only that last guy left. God asks him what he wishes for, and he stops laughing, slowly gets to his feet, and says "....Make 'em all ugly again." blaugh OMIGOSH I nearly wet myself with that one! ROTFLMAOHAHAHAHAHAHA! Glad you liked it, I got one about turtles too, which I'll post later The sad thing is...I would have done exactly the same thing xp
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 4:16 am
My joke for the day:
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman and a little easier on the eyes. "Make love to me, hard, or climb the ladder to success" she said. Well thought the man, might as well carry on.
On the next cloud was another woman, who this time was quite attractive. "Make love to me now, or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Make love to me right now, or climb the ladder to success, " she flirted
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was an ugly 400 pound man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly man. "My name is Cess".
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 6:29 pm
madamfluff caitlin_neko madamfluff caitlin_neko Finally it's only that last guy left. God asks him what he wishes for, and he stops laughing, slowly gets to his feet, and says "....Make 'em all ugly again." blaugh OMIGOSH I nearly wet myself with that one! ROTFLMAOHAHAHAHAHAHA! Glad you liked it, I got one about turtles too, which I'll post later The sad thing is...I would have done exactly the same thing xp *coughs* Same (probably). My brother said he would wish for everyone still alive to have that itch on your back that you jsut can't reach, and when ever you find otu how to scratch it, it moves, therefor eternal itch! blaugh Turtle joke, coming up (altered due to the fact that I can't remember the original): There were three turtles, Nick, Mack, and Jim. They decided to go on a picnic. Nick-of course-brought beer, and sandwhiches. Well they walk for 10 days to get to the park 20 miles away (hey they're turtles, we can exagerate), and when they get there Nick pulls out a bottle of beer, and asks Mack for the bottle opener, but Mack didn't have it, so they both turn to Jim, and ask him, he says "I forgot it." so they beg him to go get it. Jim refuses, saying that they'll eat the sandwhiches. They vow not to, and after a while Jim agrees to go back and get the bottle opener. 20 days pass. No Jim. Nick and Mack and getting anxious. 20 more days. No Jim. They're getting hungry. 20 more days. No Jim. They can' stand it anymore! They both decide to have one sandwhich each, so that Jim would still be able to have his share. So they pull out the sandwhiches, and as soon as Nick is about to bite his, Jim pops out from behind a rock near them. "Ha! I knew it! I'm not f*cking gonig!!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 3:32 am
caitlin_neko *coughs* Same (probably). My brother said he would wish for everyone still alive to have that itch on your back that you jsut can't reach, and when ever you find otu how to scratch it, it moves, therefor eternal itch! blaugh Turtle joke, coming up (altered due to the fact that I can't remember the original): There were three turtles, Nick, Mack, and Jim. They decided to go on a picnic. Nick-of course-brought beer, and sandwhiches. Well they walk for 10 days to get to the park 20 miles away (hey they're turtles, we can exagerate), and when they get there Nick pulls out a bottle of beer, and asks Mack for the bottle opener, but Mack didn't have it, so they both turn to Jim, and ask him, he says "I forgot it." so they beg him to go get it. Jim refuses, saying that they'll eat the sandwhiches. They vow not to, and after a while Jim agrees to go back and get the bottle opener. 20 days pass. No Jim. Nick and Mack and getting anxious. 20 more days. No Jim. They're getting hungry. 20 more days. No Jim. They can' stand it anymore! They both decide to have one sandwhich each, so that Jim would still be able to have his share. So they pull out the sandwhiches, and as soon as Nick is about to bite his, Jim pops out from behind a rock near them. "Ha! I knew it! I'm not f*cking gonig!!" I heard this one before razz I think it's a classic blaugh My joke for the day! This one is clever sad ~awaits to be pelted with stones!~ Pardon for the shouting, I saved the joke as it came from an email sad A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 4:49 am
xp Maybe I should tell that one to my friend Blythe (who's blonde)? Here's another blonde joke here for ya, heard from a kid at school (a blonde kid no less):
A blonde, a read-head, and a brunette are running for the police who are chasing them, and they're looking for a place to hide. Soon they see a barn and run in. In the barn they find three empty potato sacks, and hide in one each.
The police go to the barn-house, and knock on the door, asking the farmer if he's seen the three girls. He says he hasn't so they ask permission to check the barn. Upon getting permission, they go in, and see the sacks of potatos (now with the girls in them).
The first cop kicks the one with the Brunette in it, so she goes, "Meow. Meow." So he thinks it's a cat.
The second cop kicks the red-heads bad, "Woof. Woof." she says. So he thinks it's jsut a dog.
The third cop kicks the blondes bag: "Po-ta-toes. Po-ta-toes"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 7:46 am
caitlin_neko xp Maybe I should tell that one to my friend Blythe (who's blonde)? Here's another blonde joke here for ya, heard from a kid at school (a blonde kid no less): A blonde, a read-head, and a brunette are running for the police who are chasing them, and they're looking for a place to hide. Soon they see a barn and run in. In the barn they find three empty potato sacks, and hide in one each. The police go to the barn-house, and knock on the door, asking the farmer if he's seen the three girls. He says he hasn't so they ask permission to check the barn. Upon getting permission, they go in, and see the sacks of potatos (now with the girls in them). The first cop kicks the one with the Brunette in it, so she goes, "Meow. Meow." So he thinks it's a cat. The second cop kicks the red-heads bad, "Woof. Woof." she says. So he thinks it's jsut a dog. The third cop kicks the blondes bag: "Po-ta-toes. Po-ta-toes" ROTF! Po-ta-toesssss xp
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 9:35 pm
Joke for today:
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
whee
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 11:07 pm
Okay, here's a few terrible ones from random emails.
1:
Just three days ago, 4 children wittnessed members of the infamous "Lactose Intolerant Gang" beat to death a fullgrown cow with porcilin figures. Police experts say this is the first know incident of a "Nik nak, patty whak."
2:
On her way to her grandma's house, little Red Riding-hood found the the Big Bad Wolf crouching behind a bush. So little Red Riding-hood said to the wolf, "My, what a big nose you have!". Right when she said that, the Big Bad wolf jumped up and ran away. A little while later Miss Riding-hood found the the wolf crouching behind a rock. So she said, "Oh my! What big teeth you have!". And again when she said that the wolf stood up and ran away. Finally, as little Red Riding-hood was nearing her grandma's house, she spotted the Big Bad Wolf crouching behind a large tree. So little Red said, "My my! What big claws you have!". So this time the Big Bad Wolf quickly stood up and screamed; "Why wont you leave me alone!? I'm trying to take a dump!"
3:
Just last monday, an entire cult of killer bees were found dead off the
south shores of Lake Erie. It is believed by our best forenzic scientists
that the bees had committed..................insecticide!
Some random funny things:
Only In America:
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open, and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Ever Wonder?:
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Okay, I know these are terrible..... but oh well....-_-
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 5:07 am
xp WE have joke and strange thing mines! domokun
I can't think of any mroe jokes right now, sorry sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 6:25 am
I ain't going to quote the entire quote but Vash, that is really silly stuff you got there razz I love the questions and "Only in America" xp bahahahahah! ~chortle~
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 8:06 am
"Take it from me, wrinkle cream doesn't work. I've been using
it for two years and my balls still look like raisins."
----Harland Williams
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 10:44 am
architect_eyes "Take it from me, wrinkle cream doesn't work. I've been using it for two years and my balls still look like raisins." ----Harland Williams omg...ROTFLMAO!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 1:50 am
Joke for the day!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how strange, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said..."Clean my house." xp
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 01, 2005 10:34 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 01, 2005 12:47 pm
Why don't blind men skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of his seeing-eye dog! xd
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
