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 Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:40 pm
Julian wasn’t ignoring her hand. He just didn’t see it. He saw a vague shape that was her. He knew Maxim was the dark blob next to her. He was just staring into empty space, through it. It was the best way to listen. He didn’t have the distraction of seeing everything, he could just focus on hearing.
On listening.
He didn’t want to miss her questions again. He didn’t want to upset her again.
Foster homes suck. Maybe. Sort of. It depended on where you were and who you were with. He didn’t argue this, he just didn’t mind it so much. He wanted to be home, though. His real home.
Why did he keep it bottled up?
“I just don’t think it does me any good to talk about things. They don’t change. And then you can say the wrong thing and mess everything up. And you can’t take it back. I don’t want to make that mistake.” Again.
“I get sick talking about it, too. It’s not just bottled up. If I don’t talk about things then I don’t spend time focusing on them. I can think of other things. Better things.”
His head hurt. It felt like he’d bashed his whole face against a wall. He was sore and achey and his throat hurt. He was trying to talk. He didn’t want her to think she wasn’t important or that he didn’t trust her or any of the other things she said. This was important to her. He could talk. That’s what she wanted.
He didn’t want to make her cry.
When he spoke, it sounded almost like he was reading something–like there was a teleprompter in his head. Like he had to carefully script his words because otherwise he didn’t have words.
“I don’t know about therapy. I don’t think we have that at Hillworth.” He’d just tell them what they wanted to hear, anyway. Julian liked his problems buried deep down, carefully hidden and covered and tucked away. Why dig them up? They were hardly bothering him right now. He only got upset when he started poking around or messing with things, anyway. It was easier to pretend like they didn’t exist.
Talia could probably help Brooklyn get therapy. Or Soleiyu. If she wanted, maybe she could ask. He didn’t say that. He didn’t want Brooklyn to think he was trying to change the subject. He wasn’t trying to play games.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:22 pm
When he didn’t take her hand, she finally just reached out and took his once again, squeezing it tightly. “It does do good to talk about things…Julian? You’re…not alone. You…you’re treating this like it’s only you…but you know…it’s really not.”
Squeezing his hand again, Brooklyn took in a breath. “It’s a wound. It sounds so stupid. But that’s what she told me that they’re wounds...and when you just…keep them bottled…they can’t ever heal?” It sounded so stupid. It had sounded stupid when she had been told it but…honestly. She wasn’t good with emotions. Never had been, never would be but.
“They’ll come back to get you when you don’t expect it. They…fester...she said. Like an infection? You might…only think good things but…the bad are still there...and if you don’t…”
She groaned and gave a heavy sigh, the next words coming out with some regret. “Acknowledge them and let them out, they’ll just…get you?”
God she was quoting her therapist at this point…and honestly…wished she could go back. Maybe…she could figure out where to find one again…
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:23 pm
Something was ticking in the back of Julian’s mind. He didn’t know if it was a clock–something to regulate his thoughts and force himself to keep thinking, keep moving.
Or, a bomb.
Really, he couldn’t blame Brooklyn. She didn’t know. He hadn’t told her.
Because he hadn’t thought it was important. Because it was something that belonged in his past, where it should stay. Where it was better, for a thousand reasons.
A jenga tower wobbled in his mind. He hadn’t realized how many pieces this conversation had pulled out. He didn’t have the stability he gave himself.
Talking about things didn’t fix his problems, it made his problems.
And it was about to make another one.
Everything he’d kept buried, a simple building block stacked neatly in the corner of his mind, was slowly coming undone. One piece after another.
He wanted it buried. He wanted his stability. He wanted his simple, easy, predictable life because he didn’t like surprises.
She’d taken his hand. He didn’t move. He didn’t look at her, either. His heart was throbbing in his chest as he stared into the empty space between them.
“How is telling you that my parents don’t want me going to help either of us.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:23 pm
“Because.” Brooklyn said softly, squeezing his hand again. “We’re the same. You and I are both unwanted. So why don’t we change that. We’re unwanted by our parents...but that’s. Just. One group of people. You and I…are family. Don’t you remember? I told you, you’re a brother to me. We don’t need parents…but…” She swallowed, trying to think about her words instead of just blabbing them. “Why don’t you try to get new ones? I bet Talia would love to adopt you. She adores you. Did you ever think of that? There are solutions to your problems…we can find them together. And…”
She pulled her hand away from Julian’s and gently took his face in her hands, looking deep into his eyes. “You deserve better. You deserve a family who loves you. Even if you don’t think you do, I promise that you do.”
This was something that Brooklyn was sure of…and it just…she desperately wanted him to understand.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:28 pm
Julian flinched briefly when she touched his face but the mask settled back in place quickly after. He’d never really done well with people touching him, especially when he was worked up, and–
His chest hurt. He wondered what a heart attack felt like.
His breathing came a little faster, a little more forced.
Brooklyn had some perfect fantasy already developed in her head and he didn’t have the heart to tell her that she didn’t understand him at all.
No–she wanted him to talk. She didn’t like his secrets. But what if the things he kept inside were things that would hurt her? He didn’t want to hurt her. He didn’t want to mess up their friendship. She was important to him, even if she thought–
How did she think that he didn’t care about her? How did–
The thoughts were rapidly getting garbled. This didn’t work for him. He couldn’t sift around in all the negativity and expect anything positive, and if he was going to sort through his thoughts, it wasn’t going to be possible while he was emotional and on the spot.
He had a system and it worked for him but it was the exact opposite of what worked for Brooklyn.
But he wanted, so badly, for her to feel better. To stop crying. To stop being disappointed in him. To stop hating him. To stop yelling. To stop–
“We’re not unwanted,” he said, suddenly. “I don’t know why you think that. I never thought that. We have lots of friends that tell us we’re important all the time. They want us. I can’t just replace my parents. I don’t want to do that. Why don’t you let Talia adopt you? Is that a solution to your problems, too?”
He was talking too quickly. There were too many thoughts in his head. He had to get them out before it exploded. Maybe it was a bomb ticking in the back of his mind. He should have kept it buried.
“Talia likes you a lot. Have you talked to her about staying here full time?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:28 pm
At Julian’s flinch, Brooklyn let go of his face and looked away, her anger flaring for a moment and then a horrible, uncomfortable, unhappy…desolation taking its place.
Lots of friends to tell us that we’re important? That…that was just absolute bullshit. “You might. I only have you. Everyone else? They don’t talk to me. I don’t know what I did but all I have is you. I’m glad that you have friends who tell you that you’re important. That’s great! But you literally just said that your parents didn’t want you.”
The anger was rising again and she drew in a deep breath, but leaned back. “I don’t want to live with Talia. I want to live with the one who said I was her daughter reborn. But that’s just. Not going to happen. I’m to chicken to talk to Soleiyu. I’m still half convinced that she doesn’t really want me.”
She ran her hand through her hair, looking away. “You are the one who keeps throwing me at Talia. You are the one who she has the good relationship with. I’m just your tagalong.”
Tears were bubbling up in her eyes again and she drew in a breath, trying to force them down. Force them away. This. Was stupid. She had ruined everything. ******** everything up again. And now she was going to lose her very last friend. There was no point in even trying.
“Just. Fine. Look, Julian. If you want to keep things locked up, it’s going to suck later, but I can’t stop you. I can’t do anything so. Just. Forget I asked. And I’ll forget too, and you can just. Keep living your pretend happy life.”
The words were harsh, and she hated all of them, but there was no taking them back. She was angry, hurt. Tired.
Alone.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:30 pm
Julian was quiet for a moment, now. He could feel the anger radiating off of Brooklyn. He didn’t think it was his imagination.
He thought about how hard everyone had worked to save her starseed. She hadn’t been awake for that. And then she’d been taken away afterwards. She’d missed all of their conversations about worrying about her, about wondering where she was. They hadn’t all had their rings, they couldn’t all write. He’d had to desperately search for his just to be able to respond to her.
Brooklyn wasn’t just anything. She was being mean to herself. And she was using Julian to do it.
No, that was mean. He couldn’t think that. That wasn’t fair.
What did Brooklyn want? Talia to adopt him, and that would solve all his problems? That would make his parents forgive him, that would make them want to be in his life?
Sure, it would get him out of Hillworth, but he had adapted. It would get him out of the foster home, but he had adapted. Those didn’t feel like problems because he was managing them.
So what was the real problem?
“I don’t understand, Brooklyn. Talia said she likes you. She’s not–I get that she’s not the one you want to be with, but–how do you not…I wanted to go back to my parents, isn’t that–why is me wanting to be with them different from you wanting to be with her?”
How could she talk about wanting to be adopted by someone and not understand that he wanted to go home? Sure, it wasn’t perfect, and his parents hadn’t really–
Is that what she wanted to know? All his dirty laundry? All his secrets? She wanted to heal his scars by tearing them open and peering inside to examine them?
No, Brooklyn wasn’t cruel. She just didn’t know what she was asking.
He didn’t want her to answer his previous question, but he’d said it and he couldn’t take it back and he was just going to ruin everything with her like he had with them.
She had a good relationship with Talia. Talia liked her and always wanted to know how she was doing. Talia cared. Was Brooklyn choosing not to see that? Was she choosing not to see how her friends were always trying to check in with her? Or did she really just not know?
“I’m being honest with, Brooklyn. I don’t get it. You don’t like my answers but that doesn’t mean I’m not trying.”
And he was trying.
So hard. This conversation was so uncomfortable, he’d dug up so much that he didn’t want to think about. He did it for her. He felt like he was tearing himself apart to give her answers, to make her feel better, and–
And she just wanted to keep throwing it in his face that his parents didn’t want him.
He’d tried to build his own found family. Not to replace his parents, no one ever could–and he didn’t want them to. There were new spaces in his heart–new people to bring out different parts of him, better parts. And he was trying so hard to tap into all the goodness they brought into his life. He was trying to be better.
But what was the point because even after all of that work, he was still here. Still upsetting people he cared about, still making them angry, making them hurt.
“What do you want me to do, Brooklyn? I’ll do it. Just tell me.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:31 pm
“I’m going to assume it’s the same reason you don’t want to. I didn’t find Talia. She’s not…I’m just. Julian…”
She rubbed her face, wanting to scream, wanting to kick something. Wanting to shove herself in the way of traffic. It just.
“Because she’s not what I want. You want your family, and I want mine…I want the one that I was told I’d get to have…but. I just…” What did she want? What was bothering her so much. What…was causing her such…annoyance? What was wrong?
“I want you to be able to be happy, Julian. You’re not. You’re really not, and you pretend you are and you’re not. You don’t even let yourself know that you’re not! And you smile and pretend and it’s all a lie! You’re just lying to yourself and I just…”
Everything was spiraling. The world was growing dark. She was going crazy.
“I don’t understand! I don’t dislike your answers I just don’t understand them! There are ways to help and you just shove everything down and away and pretend like nothing’s happening! It’s…self sabotage? It’s cruel!”
To him? To her? She wasn’t sure. The words were just coming out now, and her breathing was speeding up again, chest aching. “You deserve better. You deserve to treat yourself better…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:33 pm
Julian didn’t agree with most of what Brooklyn said but his face remained unchanged in the face of her words. He was determined to make her happy because–
Well, she needed to be happy.
And she didn’t think he was happy? He didn’t understand but he didn’t want to challenge what she said. He didn’t have fight in him. He didn’t want to make her cry. He didn’t want to get yelled at.
“So how? How do I do those things, what do I have to do to make things right? What do you think I should do?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:34 pm
“I…don’t know, Julian…” Brooklyn slumped in her chair and just looked defeated. “I don’t know. I have no idea what to do. I just want to help. I just want to help everyone. It’s all I have. But I always mess things up. Hell, even when I first powered up. I almost got someone hurt, did you know that? I was so stupid. So headstrong and he almost got hurt. I almost lost my friends then, but I just wanted to help.”
Slowly, she curled up and drew in a shallow breath. “I just want you to be happy…I love you, and I hate the fact that you’re suffering alone and just not telling anyone. I can’t help you. I can’t. I just.”
Her eyes shut tightly and she drew in another few shallow breaths. “I don’t know.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:38 pm
Julian remained where he was sitting on the ground. His sweater was totally soaked through from the spilled lemonade and it was only now that he moved it so he could start cleaning up the glass. He was glad to have something to keep himself busy.
“No. I didn’t know that.”
He wanted to tell her that she wasn’t stupid, or headstrong, or any other negative thing that she was saying about herself. Would she think he was changing the subject again? She seemed like she was beating herself up more than he did. Julian knew he wasn’t perfect, he knew he had flaws. He accepted them and tried to improve them.
He didn’t think he hated himself. He hated that he’d made mistakes he couldn’t fix.
He tricked to rack his brain for what Brooklyn had said already. He couldn’t remember much. She wanted Talia to adopt him and for him to get therapy and for him to talk about everything. She didn’t think he did a good job taking care of himself. She thought his way of doing things was wrong. She thought she could tell him how to do it better, but now that he was trying, she wasn’t telling him what to do.
Maybe she gave up on him. Maybe she thought he wasn’t worth it.
Maybe a lot of things.
Julian didn’t have it in his heart to be mad at her. He couldn’t hate someone. He just took the negativity, and he buried it.
Oh, but that was wrong.
The glass was sticky but it broke cleanly so it was easy to pick up the pieces.
He didn’t think he was suffering alone. Maybe she knew better than him. She wanted to help. She thought she could make him better than this if he let her help him. So he was trying.
“I’ll ask Talia if I can live with her. And if she can help get me into therapy.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:38 pm
“I think…” She slumped again. “I think. I just keep trying to see myself in you. I want you to have a happy ending…and maybe…if that happens. Maybe I’ll get to as well. Maybe the others will talk to me again and maybe…I can have a purpose…Julian…”
Her voice grew more quiet. Timid.
“I love you. And I want you to be happy…I…I’m sorry that I’m so pushy…” She felt awful. No wonder she had no friends. No wonder she had been abandoned when she was born. No wonder…everything.
“I’m sorry that I’ve ruined today…I…I’m glad that you told me…I…wish I could…”
Could what? Have been worthy of it? Have been able to hear this from him without causing them both to have breakdowns? Could have just…left well enough alone?
“I’m sorry that I pushed so hard…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:39 pm
“It’s okay,” Julian said. “I’m sorry I disappointed you.”
He was rearranging the glass and scrutinizing the floor to make sure there wasn’t any hidden pieces. He dreaded having to tell Talia that he broke it.
Brooklyn didn’t even sound happy that he was going to do what she said.
It made him feel more hollow. His fingers were cold.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t realize I was hurting you. I’ll try to be less selfish.”
He didn’t really understand or know how but maybe he could go home and sit somewhere quiet and think about it. He was sure if he pushed himself hard enough, he might be able to remember what she said. Of course, it would be really embarrassing if Talia decided she didn’t want him to stick around as much. His skin felt like cellophane, loud and crinkly. He was trying not to move too much. He didn’t want to upset her. Maxim was anxious between the two of them but he seemed to be mindful of the glass so he stayed closer to Brooklyn and kept nudging her hand with his nose.
He wanted to tell her that he didn’t understand what she was saying about the others. They wanted to talk to her, hadn’t she been the one who was always so withdrawn? No, he must have been misunderstanding. He was good at that. He’d have to be better. Brooklyn had plenty of purpose. He didn’t know why she couldn’t see it. But he didn’t know a lot of things.
He didn’t think today was ruined. And even if it was, tomorrow would be better. Or–no, wait. Maybe not. Was this burying something? He wasn’t supposed to do that. But he didn’t know what he was supposed to do.
Brooklyn wanted him to do what she did but he wasn’t sure that he could talk about things the way she did. He was terrified of hurting anyone’s feelings, or of being ‘too much’ but this wasn’t working because it had still hurt Brooklyn.
“I’ll try to talk more about what you want to know.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:40 pm
“You’re not selfish…I wasn’t trying to say you were…I. Damnit. I’m sorry, Julian. I just. Want you to know you can talk to me and I’m messing it all up. I’m sorry.”
Brooklyn finally stood up. “I…do you want me to go? I can go…I…I would understand if you never wanted to talk to me again either…I…I’ll just go disappear up on Stirling…I…I’m sorry...”
She just. Wanted to be able to help. Wanted to help Julian start to heal but…now she had cut him open and…
“I’m sorry…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:41 pm
“You don’t have to go,” he said. He was sitting on the floor still but he’d given up on reorganizing the glass. Maxim was still looking up at Brooklyn like he was trying to read her mind.
He didn’t want her to disappear up on Stirling. He didn’t want to never talk to her again. He didn’t know why she always went to the absolute extreme.
Quietly, because he really wasn’t even sure he wanted to say it–or know the answer, he asked, “...Do you actually like me, Brooklyn? …Or are you just so afraid of being alone that you force yourself to keep me around?”
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