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 Posted: Sun May 09, 2021 9:46 am
Holden shook his head, a serious look back on his face. “No sorry… not tonight.” He said and he meant it, later, when things and people were feeling more stable there could be apologies, but not now. He moved forward for a moment, because Jace was in the chair and accessible, and he just… Pressed a small kiss to his forehead. “I’ll change really fast okay? I’ll be right back. Eat what you want and trust me there is more than enough.” He leaned back just a little, didn’t even try and hide the fondness in his eyes. “I’m glad we found you… I’m glad you came with us.” He said earnestly before going perhaps a little quickly to collect his own pajamas and change.
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2021 10:56 am
At some point in time, Jace’s heart started pounding so loudly that he could feel it in his throat, and he thought it might have been when Holden kissed his forehead.
Because--that had been real, right? ...He hadn’t dreamed that.
It probably didn’t mean anything. It was probably just Holden trying to comfort him.
He was quiet for a few seconds, and looked at the food, because there was probably more than enough, even if Callan came down and wanted to eat, too. It escaped him that he wasn’t there now, because all he could think about was Holden.
There were a dozen things he wanted to say to Holden, but he couldn’t find the words before he disappeared to change. Instead, Jace finished one burger--and scarfed down another, and a chicken sandwich, before he had to stop himself and give himself a moment to settle. He knew he was hungry but didn’t want to overeat and throw up, like he didn’t already have enough to be embarrassed about already.
Instead, he just sat back in the chair and leaned back, closing his eyes and rubbing his face--admittedly, a little aggressively, but he was trying to wake up, trying to warm up, trying to summon some brain cells.
He was anxious again, and felt like he needed to move without Holden there to keep him grounded.
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2021 1:29 pm
Holden wandered back out in his favorite PJ’s, folding up his own stuff and tossing them into a basket in the laundry room along with the towel from drying up in there at least. He dropped himself back into a chair near Jace and bumped gently with his knee. “Feeling a little better?” He asked carefully. “Warmer? I’d offer coffee but, you probably need sleep too, not that I don’t assume you can process caffeine at the speed of a superhuman but…” He waved his hands finding himself blushing at his babbling.
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2021 2:34 pm
Jace nodded before he had really processed everything that had gone on. “Warmer,” he agreed, but his stomach wouldn’t even let him humor the idea of coffee. He could still taste the bitter flavor of the poor imitation coffee he’d had earlier and barely repressed a shudder.
“Holden,” he said after a second, and he knew he wasn’t supposed to say sorry, but his mind was doing circles, and he seemed like he was stuck in a loop.
“...I just wanted to say thank you. You and your brother, you didn’t have to do this.”
Maybe, because he knew they didn’t have to, it meant more.
He reached up to rub at his face again, and he couldn’t figure out how water was still dripping into it, but whatever. His eyes felt so sore, and he wasn’t kind to himself when he rubbed them dry.
It was easier to look at Holden’s knee than it was his face, and it seemed like he was struggling to keep his thoughts in just as much as he was struggling to push them out.
“...I didn’t mean to give anyone extra trouble. I just needed some time to clear my head. I didn’t--I didn’t think it was going to worry anyone else. I just want you to know that. I wasn’t--I wasn’t thinking. About anyone else. I just thinking about myself. And I--”
He couldn’t say sorry, Holden said not to.
“...I didn’t mean to hurt you, that’s all. I just.”
He looked at the phone, like he was surprised it hadn’t lit up, that there was no response, yet. He hadn’t checked while Holden was gone, and he chewed on the inside of his mouth.
“I just needed some fresh air. I didn’t mean for it to be like this.”
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2021 4:36 pm
Holden took a deep breath and let it out as measured as he could, He reached out and tapped the phone lightly with one finger. “First - so I don’t worry you I silenced it… it’s not going to buzz, or flash, or anything. She’s waited this long and she knows that you’re ok. She can wait, unless you can’t.” “Second…” he said and reached out to put his hand over Jace’s, squeezing it gently. “You’re… important to me, on a lot of levels. Maybe there is no… obligation, but there is reason. You’re important, to me, to our friends, you… deserve, basic human kindness. You deserve more than that in my opinion, but… this is the least of what you deserve. Food, shelter, comfort.” He took another breath and let it out. “Sometimes, hurting happens, but it dosen’t mean that I’m mad at you, I’m not even…. disappointed. It HAPPENS, if I were in your shoes I have no idea what I’d do…so I have NO right to judge. I just want to be here for you…” He worried at his lip, teeth against skin before he added. “Also you get about five seconds to grab a milk shake before I start toweling off your hair because you have a whole ‘it came from the black lagoon’ thing going on and I have a spiritual need to fix that.”
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2021 6:00 pm
Jace seemed to try and process this, and maybe there was a part of him that was obviously embarrassed about his appearance, so he complied and grabbed the closest milkshake, and held it in his hands. It was cold, but a different kind of cold than he had been before. He returned to the chair and sat perfectly still.
Naturally, he worried. His eyes went to the phone again and he had so many more questions, and it was clear that the thoughts were once again tumbling loose in his head.
He didn’t even get to enjoy Holden’s hand on his, which ordinarily might have done something stupid, like set butterflies loose inside of him. He listened, but he was struggling to stomach the words. They weren’t bad--on the contrary, they were nice. Wonderful, even. He wanted to lean closer to Holden because he made him feel better.
Not perfect, not by any means, but better.
But then, he had to ask, “Why did you silence your phone?”
And then, even more reluctantly, he clarified, “Did she text back while I was changing?”
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 5:45 am
Holden had stood to fetch one extra towel , but he paused at that question, and the clarification. He nodded slowly. “She called…” He admitted. “My Phone …. transcribes voicemails.” He sighed heavily, and then moved to fetch the towel, returning with a determination that gave him speed, He dropped it over Jace’s head and started rubbing it over the length of his hair. “You can listen if you want, or read, I won’t stop you, but I’ll fight you if you try and go home tonight.” He said carefully.
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 7:00 am
Jace was quiet, and his mood shifted again almost immediately. He seemed guarded, flighty, and it looked like it had suddenly gotten difficult for him to stay in place again. With Holden drying his hair, it meant that he couldn’t pick up the phone to see what she’d said, and he grew a little more nervous because there was a suspicion in the air. He was clutching the chair, like he had to hold firmly onto it for the strength to keep himself in one place.
He was trying to read between the lines, trying to make a plan based on hypothetical information and assumptions.
It wasn’t easy for him to ask, but reluctantly he said, “Did you talk to her?”
There was a second, unasked question, that hung in the air--What did she say?
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 7:10 am
“Briefly.” He admitted “She made threats, and hung up.” He huffed mater of factly. “For what it’s worth, I think she’s relieved you’re alright, and I won’t…actually hold you here. I will read the messages for you, if you want. I haven’t looked beyond answering her initial call.” He checked Jace’s hair and realized her shoulders were sagging. He didn’t want Jace to go back, he thought it would be… a very bad idea if it happened. “Sorry….” He murmured. “I’m…being selfish. I can’t help it…I like you too much.”
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 6:38 pm
Jace flinched at the confirmation that she had called. That Holden had answered, had talked to her.
That he’d been on the receiving end of her rage when it should have just been reserved for him. His eyes felt warm again and he tried to push away the emotions, but he was glad the towel was over his head while he tried to figure himself out.
Holden said he thought she was relieved, which gave him hope, but then he was offering to read the messages--to be a buffer between she and Jace, and he let out a shuddering breath.
“I don’t want to leave,” he said softly. “...I want to stay here.”
It felt strange to admit, to say out loud. He didn’t like feeling vulnerable, but he didn’t know where to go from here.
“...I want to stay with you,” he said, quieter, like he wanted to say it but maybe didn’t want Holden to hear.
Maybe.
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Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 6:49 pm
Holden hesitated then, the quiet words that was nearly a whisper. He slid his arms over Jace’s shoulders, letting the towel cushion between them, shuffling a half step forward so he could gently press a kiss to the top of Jace’s head. “Then please stay.” He murmured in reply. “As long as you need, you know neither Callan or I will argue. We’ll be happy to have you.” He squeezed slightly. “What else would you like Jace, what can I do for you? Warm shower? Hot bath?… Would you like me to get ‘Wellness duck’ out of the armchair? It’s super comfortable.”
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Posted: Tue May 11, 2021 7:58 am
“I don’t know,” he answered, not to avoid a real answer but because he really didn’t know.
He leaned back against Holden and let out another wavering sigh. “I feel like I don’t know anything. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to make a decision.”
He kind of wanted the duck. He also kind of wanted the fat bird he was so used to squeezing, but he felt so messed up right now that he was afraid he might hurt it--which was the only reason why he wasn’t just hugging Holden right now.
“I’ve--had enough water. For now. I think. If that’s okay.”
He’d lost his appetite again and the circles under his eyes seemed so much darker; he closed his eyes. Which was dangerous, because it would have been too easy to fall asleep--if he wasn’t worried about keeping his stomach calm, now that it felt like it had been turned upside down.
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Posted: Tue May 11, 2021 7:15 pm
“Does it help even a little, if I say you ARE allowed?” He slid his hands over Jace’s shoulders and linked them there, holding Jace into the lean. After a moment he rested his chin on Jace’s head. “How about… bed then?” He offered. “I can tuck you in, with the duck, and the fat bird. You Can use my bed, I can use the day bed, or I’ll help keep you warm and safe, is that a safe enough thing to decide?”
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Posted: Wed May 12, 2021 1:35 pm
Did it help a little?
Jace had to actually think about it, and maybe, maybe, it did. He trusted Holden, and he liked the way Holden’s arms felt around him. He closed his eyes as he rested against him, finding more comfort than he wanted to admit as he remained nestled beneath his chin.
“...We’ve slept in the same bed before. I liked it then.”
He was quiet.
“I’d really like it now. Please.”
Oh, he felt stupid. He didn’t want to chase away Holden, who was already being so accommodating, and he hated that his eyes were warm and wet again, because there were feelings in his heart that he didn’t understand, except now he was too tired to keep up all his walls and it felt like everything was spilling out.
“Nothing feels right, right now. Nothing but--” his breath hitched, and honestly, he didn’t know what he was saying, he just knew that he meant it. “--But you. And your arms. I want that. Please.”
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2021 9:44 am
“We can do that then.” He promised, the warmth blooming in his chest. He bent forward just enough to lay his cheek on top of Jace’s head, holding him for a moment as he felt breath hitching, heard the hint of tears creeping back into Jace’s voice. “I’m here… I’ll be here until you tell me to go away, and then I’ll be waiting.” He took a breath just taking in the smell of Jace’s hair. “Come on, I’ll ask Callan to clean up, we can go rest.” He promised. “I’ll get the duck, and this really soft throw.”
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