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 Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 6:06 pm
“Please try…” Holden said more softly. He didn’t like the eyes that were so pinned on everything but him. He didn’t like how broken Jace seemed, didn’t know what to do other than gaining a growing desire to go tell ‘That woman’ how disappointed he was in HER. Which wouldn’t do any good either unfortunately. He dragged him over to the ‘fill your own’ cups and filled one with the thick hot chocolate ‘stuff’, which was mostly acceptable because while he was fairly sure it was from a powder it didn’t taste awful, and it had calories. He filled the cup as high as he dared and then gingerly put a lid on one handed before leading them both to the counter. “These please.” he said to the clerk, who he didn’t really think cared that much about anything happening, it was late, probably boring as all get out and it wasn’t like they had tried to buy gas station booze. Once paid for he turned and made sure that Jace would put the hoodie on and then take the hot coco to at least warm the hand he wasn’t holding. “Even if it’s just a sip… Callan will be here soon, so if you don’t think you can, then just hold on to it, we’re going back to my house… I hope that’s okay.”
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 6:25 pm
Jace seemed temporarily perplexed, or maybe that was just his new natural state of being. He’d put everything into who he was before, and now he didn't know who he was or what he was doing, and he had more things to do than hands to do it with.
Holden had asked him to try, which was fine, he could try, but trying meant that failing was an option, and it felt like a steel rod had shot through his head and down his back at the idea, and it left him a little shaken and dizzy. Or maybe it was just the flickering lights. Or everything.
But, he moved, at least. He didn’t take off his wet clothes, the thought didn’t really even occur to him--and he had nowhere to do it, and nowhere to put it, but the oversized sweatshirt did something for him, at least. He didn’t know what to do with the umbrella, so he tucked it under an arm and held the cup of stuff Holden handed him.
His fingers felt like glass shards had prickled them, and it didn’t really register that he was just so cold. Holden’s hand didn’t feel like this. Holden’s hand was nice.
Holden had said please, though. He’d asked.
Reluctantly, and with great effort, Jace took a sip.
He couldn’t really taste it; it was warm, but not hot. He didn’t immediately throw it up, and finally, he looked at Holden, like he needed to make sure that he’d done enough and hadn’t botched such expectations.
He meant to say thank you, or to say that whatever Holden wanted was fine. That he would go anywhere Holden said--except, maybe, home.
Instead of anything sensible, he only managed to get out, “Why?”
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 6:35 pm
“Why…what?” He asked carefully. He wasn’t sure he was ready to know the nature of the ‘why’. Was it a question of ‘why was he helping him’? or ‘why was he here?’ - He wasn’t sure Jace was ready for the answers, he was quite sure that the poor man at the counter wasn’t ready for his reaction. He started to ask ‘Why what’ again, and then shook his head, feeling his phone buzz with Callan’s proximity. “Come on… Callan is here, we can talk at home. You need dry clothes, a hot shower, probably rest.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 7:16 pm
With no answer, to a question he wasn’t sure why he even asked, Jace just nodded. He seemed a bit more anxious with the news that Callan was here. He nodded, but seemed to absolutely dread going out to meet him.
“Okay,” he agreed, but there was an uncomfortable buzz in his head again, like he might have just agreed to everything.
Callan had parked the car in front of the store and turned on the interior lights. He’d stacked a few blankets in the back seat and the heat was up--uncomfortably for him, nearly, because he wasn’t soaked, but he had expected the worst. He was waiting patiently outside, with soft music playing. He hadn’t brought food, they could get fast food if they needed, and he wouldn’t even protest. He had a limited understanding of the situation, but he knew he didn’t have to ask any questions right now. He was here for a ride home.
Jace recognized the car, and his brows knit like he needed to compose himself, but instead he just reached for the umbrella and tried to fumble with it to try and prevent Holden from getting wet again between here and the car.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 7:21 pm
Holden wasn’t having much of it, he took the umbrella and lifted it as high as he could to guard them both, glancing at his brother with a look that probably spoke greater volumes than he could currently put into words. “Thank you…” He said almost a whisper, even knowing that Callan would have done this regardless, sometimes you just said thank you because you needed to say something. Words that just fell out and tied you to a reality that bordered on terrible and filled with the sort of edges of pain he had half hoped they had left behind when they lost their family. Thank you that meant ‘I love you, and you know how I feel about him, and he’s not ok, and I’m not sure I will be later. “Come on Jace, let’s go get you warm. We can talk when you’re ready….I… I don’t know if it’s the Why you meant, but - We’re helping you because you deserve kindness. Because you’re more than test scores, because you have value for just being who you are! You…. I… “ He stopped himself, just short of saying he cared, how MUCH he cared. He wasn’t sure it wouldn’t make things worse… Because Jace hadn’t come to them… He hadn’t even reached out to him… he could see the state of him now, and wasn't sure Jace had the presence of mind for it but, god... it still hurt.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 7:38 pm
Callan knew. He caught Holden’s eye and nodded, and then just turned his attention back to the road in front of him, as if to give them privacy in the back seat. He pretended like he didn’t hear, and though he pretended like he didn’t see, either, he did.
And he didn’t like it. Holden was wet, but Jace looked like he was soaked through--and soaking through the ridiculous sweater he had undoubtedly gotten from the gas station. He didn’t speak, like it was going to break some fragile illusion of peace, but he waited for them to get comfortable.
Jace got into the car, and it seemed like he was back to taking too long to process words, to think about them. He forgot to buckle, until he was scooted all the way over and fumbled with it for far too long while trying to carefully balance the drink Holden had gotten him, and once he was strapped in, he still hunched forward a bit.
He didn’t know what there was to talk about, it seemed like such a strange concept? Talk? About what? About why? He didn’t know that he deserved anything. Deserving something meant adequate reward for earning something--and you couldn’t really deserve anything good if you’d failed, could you?
But Holden had mentioned test scores, and it was like pouring salt into an open wound and then just reaching in to pull it apart a little extra; he turned his head to look out the window for a few seconds, and anything more that Holden might have meant to say, or wanted to say, was lost on him.
“It’s not just a score,” he said quietly, and maybe the music Callan was playing made him feel like it was just him and Holden in the back seat. “...It’s not like that.”
Not exactly. If it had been just a test score, he could have handled that.
It was everything else that came with not passing, the disappointment, the anger, the frustration, the helplessness.
But, he didn’t know how to describe it. Holden wouldn’t get it, he knew that already, but Jace had just enough wits about him, in this safe little space, that he understood how bad he felt--for putting Holden through all this trouble. So, he looked back down at the cup in his lap, even as Callan turned off the light in the car. Quietly, he said to Holden, “I’m sorry.”
For everything. For inconveniencing him, for worrying him, for troubling him, for getting the car wet, for needing to be fussed over, for getting him wet, for costing him money on stupid things.
For not telling him. For running away from everyone.
For being a bad friend.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 9:29 pm
“No... it’s not just a test score.” Holden sighed and fussed with some of the blankets, trying to wrap Jace in it, trying to do something - anything to warm him. “Don’t say sorry, don’t you dare, not right now. I’ll get mad, and then I’ll get stupid and cry all over you. You’re already soaked, you haven’t even eaten, you’re being so mean to yourself. I don’t know what to do! You.... you can’t just, you’re not allowed to be so mean to someone I care about!” He wanted to say love, he came so close. He half wished that he could smack Jace on the arm but didn’t. He wanted to cry but he was holding it back. If he could just keep himself damp he could blame the rain. “I’m so glad I found you.... I’m so glad you’re....” Not dead? Not worse off? Not eaten by youma?
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 6:15 am
Jace didn’t protest when the blankets were fussed around him, and he shifted positions a little anxiously. He tried to stay still, and his body protested because now that he was sitting, he was exhausted. He felt like he could just melt into the car seat and disappear.
His teeth were chattering after a few seconds, but the warmth of the car was spilling into him. He became keenly aware of just how wet and cold he was. A part of him wished he was still lost so he didn’t have to deal with talking or explaining or--
Callan wasn’t driving very fast,” he mused as he looked at the dark landscape moving. He could probably unbuckle and jump and--
His hand didn’t move. He didn’t move.
Maybe he wanted to be alone. Mostly, he didn’t.
There was a split second that he realized he really wanted Holden there, and then the one following was full of guilt and he was overwhelmed by emotions and immediately repressed them with a sharp breath. He nodded, but he couldn’t quite remember what Holden had said.
But Holden had said he’d get mad, so Jace did the sensible thing and, instead of jumping out of the window, just stayed quiet.
Holden had wanted him to try and drink more of the chocolate goop, and in the absence of speaking--in the uncomfortable concern of upsetting Holden, he just held it close, and kept trying to sip at it. It wasn’t much, and it certainly wasn’t anything to be proud of, but it was something.
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