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 Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2021 10:52 pm
 [and roses there are many]
[wc: 542 words]
Asher wasn't able to go far from the scene of his own assault. He'd paused just a few feet away, wracked by the guilt of being too helpless to do anything. But that was the thing, wasn't it? He was, in fact, literally helpless in this situation; he was just an ordinary person, with no magical powers to speak of, and he'd been caught in a conflict between two people with powers he could barely imagine. It was only fair and right of him to get out of the damn way, rather than making more trouble for the person who'd saved him.
That stranger in blue...clearly a brave man, because he'd stepped in without hesitation and ensured that Asher escaped with his life. He hoped he got to find this rescuer someday, so that he could thank him the way he'd been able to thank Camelot. He wanted to know his name--to ask a million questions about whatever landmark he was named for. For now, though, he really should get the rest of the way back to his apartment. There was work to do tomorrow, and he ought to rest so that he could recover from whatever that woman had done, shoving her hand in his chest and groping around like there was something inside that she'd sought. A disturbing image, and an equally disturbing thought, wondering what exactly it was she'd wanted. Ugh, he hoped he never had to find out.
But he hesitated.
It was a stupid idea, not the sort of thing he usually attributed to himself at all. It would be meaningless to go back, he wanted to tell himself--he would just get in the way and cause another fight, one where either he or his rescuer might lose their lives all too easily. If not both of them. Besides, both his rescuer and his assailant were likely long gone by now. He'd be going back to an empty street, and he might just attract another round of the wrong attention and not get nearly so lucky this time. All good reasons to not do the thing that he was thinking of doing.
Still, he turned. And as he did, as he made the decision to go back towards the battlefield, to see if they'd come back and maybe needed help, something appeared din front of him.
A white rose, glowing softly in the moonlight.
Asher didn't hesitate. He reached out, and took it, and was transformed.
A warmth and glow of purpose filled him, as he held the beautiful silk flower to his chest. The skirt of his new uniform swished around his ankles, and he hummed, twirling briefly and feeling it settle.
He'd written things off too quickly, it seemed, assuming that he didn't get to have the power Camelot and that other person had--because here it was. Apparently, all he'd needed to do, all along, was make the brave choice.
A name sang through his heart, and he breathed it aloud.
"Carterhaugh," he said, softly, to himself. "Carterhaugh, Page of Earth."
An old song drifted through his mind-- "But Carterhaugh is not your own, and roses there are many.."--and he smiled. Yes, he liked this. He could be more than he'd ever thought he was.
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Posted: Mon May 02, 2022 8:30 pm
[lady, pull no more]
[wc: 1039 words]
After their meeting with Aegirine, Carterhaugh left, and took a very, very long walk.
It perhaps wasn't the best idea, considering the circumstances--they were feeling more than a bit fatigued from the energy Aegirine had taken--and it certainly wasn't safe, since they knew that if they ran into an officer, they would be a sitting duck, but...they needed to clear their head. Needed time to think, without Aegirine right there, looking entrancing and being exactly the person they wanted to save. They had to decide, really--if they thought it was worth it to go to the other side, eyes open, and risk whatever happened from there. But that felt....more than a little risky. It felt, in fact, like something that they should definitely not be doing.
There were so many possibilities. So many chances they would have to take, if they went into the Negaverse. It was clear, they felt, that the Negaverse was insidious--that it corrupted what it touched. That there were a thousand ways this could go wrong. That they might....
That they might lose themself, in their effort to save her.
But what else was there? They certainly couldn't just walk away, and so far, they didn't have the impression that enough impassioned pleading or passionate kisses were going to wear away the loyalty she clearly felt. Not when she had family she might not want to leave, which....
Well.
Asher did not.
There was little for them to leave--academic connections, mostly. Their parents were long gone, leaving behind the only worthy asset they had, their money--money that Carterhaugh now used to support their own pursuits. (Which, perhaps, their parents might not have approved of, but they nmo longer had that ability. So it was.) No siblings, no grandparents, no aunts or uncles. No one who would miss them, except for their colleagues. And academic connections could be rebuilt, perhaps. Especially if they went into it on purpose, and left themself notes, research, and. Well. Money. The material things, to ensure that they could continue living the life to which they were accustomed. But that was the point of deciding ahead of time, wasn't it? Of planning? That they could bring what they needed, and start a new life, even if they forgot the old one?
But the question was, was it worth it? To risk their own soul to save another?
Before the war, before Aegirine, Carterhaugh wasn't sure they would have said yes. It would have seemed like a ridiculous proposition--Asher Voldaren was not a self-sacrificing person. But....the more they thought about it, the more it felt like something they could do. Wanted to do. Something about her made them want to be a better person, in some ways--made them want to take risks. Because Aegirine, it seemed, needed someone who was willing to take risks for her. She had lost so much, been abandoned so many times; it wasn't right or fair, they thought. She deserved better. And maybe they could....be better. Maybe the risks they were taking, the choice to abandon their own identity...
But it would also mean turning on Læraðr. On Fang. On the other allies they had met. Those people might not understand, if they chose to do this. Might hate them, want to see them tossed aside.
They inhaled, sharply. There was so much to do, so much to consider. And they didn't want to admit it, but they were a little afraid.
Could they really do this? Be so selfless as to risk damnation to save another person? Risk losing what few allies they had built, in order to save someone who might not even want to be saved?
What if they took this risk, ran to her, tried to bring her home....and lost the gamble? What if in the end, she couldn't be swayed? What if she was committed to her choice, and they had simply damned them both by choosing to join her?
That, Carterhaugh thought, was the scariest potential outcome. The possibility that all they were considering sacrificing might be utterly in vain, because Aegirine did not want to be saved. Because she was not nearly as in distress as they thought, and there was nothing to save her from. It was arrogant, wasn't it? For them to decide that they could save her and that she needed to be saved?
....But that was the thing, wasn't it. That almost made the choice clearer. If it was true, and Aegirine was happy where she was, and there was nothing to save her from....then joining her was the inevitable choice anyway. Carterhaugh did not think they had the energy for a long, drawn out game of enemies to lovers cat and mouse. To dance on the edge of danger for both of them, when undoubtedly her masters would see their arrangement as a betrayal of whatever oaths she was expected to have taken as an officer. That would leave both of them at risk, and might, in the end, result in their choice being made for them.
So, it seemed, there was only one option. Had always, in some ways, been only one option, from the moment they took her to their Wonder and realized that they wanted more from her than a simple playful flirtation. Certainly, the decision was made now.
It was a frightening thought, to give up everything like this. To choose to change, to have themself rewritten. But they could do it. Especially if they went into it with their eyes fully open. They would have to meet Aegirine again, coordinate and plan, prepare themself to make this leap. But they could. Because in the end, whichever way things turned out--however it went, and however it ended--Carterhaugh knew.
They had to go to her. Had to let things go at her pace. Had to dance to her steps, and had to follow her rules. Because Aegirine was the one they wanted to save--and that meant that she needed to decide if she needed saving.
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Posted: Wed May 04, 2022 12:36 am
[among the roses red]
[wc: 1038 words]
There was so much to sort through.
It was strange, almost, what a whole life could be reduced down to. How many things could be cut, how many could be removed, how many could be left behind. Asher's apartment was a mess on a good day, and since they had returned to begin deciding what to keep and what to leave behind as they embarked on their new life with Kayden--as they became an officer of the Negaverse--it was even more of one. A tornado may as well have blown through, upending everything their life had been, scattering clothes and books and everything they felt they had to ruthlessly pare down. The truth was, they wanted all of it--wanted every bit of accumulated errata that made up the person they had become--but there was no way, practically, to manage that. So things had to go.
Everything related to their thesis was set aside. All of that was non-negotiable. Those were their most important things, the core of their work, a part of themself. A stack of books on historical queer folklore, on whisper networks and Friends of Dorothy and all the fascinating ways people had protected themselves and built community over the years. A life's work, sorted into boxes to bring to Kayden's apartment. Some of their personal library, too, was packed up; books they couldn't bear to think of leaving behind. Perhaps the sentiments wouldn't remain--some, after all, were precious gifts form people Asher might well forget about when the time came--but they still held weight in their heart, and they couldn't bear to part from them. Clothes, too, were packed, but at least those were easier; their wardrobe was flexible and extensive, but easily pared down to favorites, with the knowledge that they could always go shopping with Kaden once everything was all said and done.
--That sounded like a lovely idea. They added it to the list of notes they left for themself, in a pretty little soft-cover notebook decorated with a night sky and a meadow of butterflies. Notebooks, too, were a curse, and got their own box; ones that could not be abandoned were taken, but others were left behind. They didn't need their undergraduate biology notes. The prospect of keeping them was just silly.
There were plants that were carefully packed, mostly succulents, hardy things that could handle some neglect when Asher was tied up with work but that they couldn't bear to leave to wither when they left. Wall decorations that were ruthlessly kept and tossed, some relevant, some not. Treasured collectibles, gifts from over the years, a set of antique star charts they'd had framed. So many pieces of who they were, chronicled in the pieces they chose to keep and the ones that had to be left behind.
And then there was the matter of their more personal, social obligations. Not everything about abandoning one life for another came down to things, after all; there were other material concerns, yes, but there were also people, people who might feel left behind if they didn't get some kind of explanation. Securing their own personal funds had been easy enough; their trust fund was well and truly theirs, and had been in personal bank accounts for years. The parts of their family's wealth that were in stocks were sold off, transferred through a series of holding companies to a new account, and the details were carefully written down. They would have access to everything they needed to make a comfortable life for themself and for Kayden, for as long as the both of them were in the Negaverse.
(The knowledge--the hope--that they might get to do this again was.....both overwhelming and shining. If this worked, if Kayden came home, then it would all be worth it. Everything they upended would be validated.)
As for Asher Voldaren, PhD candidate, TA at Destiny City University....there were arrangements to be made for their classes, and to leave their program, and not leave too many holes. A sudden sabbatical was their excuse, a family emergency in England, an aunt who hadn't spoken to them for years but wanted to reconcile on her deathbed. She lived somewhere quite rural, they lied, and there would likely be little time for online communication and a poor connection besides, worthy explanations for why hey might not respond to contact. Emotional. Heart-pulling. Something that their fellows could easily nod along with and relate to. It was almost too easy to make it all up, to weave a story from fragments of the truth. Perhaps they ought to have felt bad, and certainly it wasn't a permanent ending, but it would have to do for closure. Perhaps they could have managed something more permanent and spectacular, if they had the stomach for it, butt he idea of faking their own death or something else equally morbid....no, it was thoroughly unpleasant. They considered personal letters, but discarded that idea for the same reason--it felt much too morbid, too final. And this wasn't an ending, not for them. It was a beginning.
They posted a goodbye video on their YouTube channel. Alluded to personal developments, apologized, never got too specific; enough, they hoped, to quell too much worry or speculation, but not so much that it became maudlin or there were holes to poke in any kind of "story" about why they were leaving. Lighting a drama fire on their way out sounded tedious and deeply irrelevant to anything they actually wanted to do.
They sighed, taking a seat at their desk, and stared out the big window in their office space and over the city. This was, they knew, likely the last time they would be here; the last time they would see this particular view in this particular way. Unless, of course, they and Kayden came back for last minute pieces, but even then, it wouldn't be exactly he same.
They turned around, and looked at the turned-over room, at the ruins of a life unmade, and they sighed.
So much to do. So many things to sort through. A neat little bow to tie around Asher Voldaren, and everything they had done. And, in the end, a million little goodbyes.
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Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2022 8:13 pm
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