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 Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2020 9:21 pm
December had simply remained quiet while the man beside him talked, trying to piece together a firm meaning behind it all. There weren't any contradictions in what he said, really... Everything simply pointed to December ultimately not being good enough for him.
He could be better. He could stop being this annoyance and stop being so different than Nataniel. He was foolish to be afraid of everything or nervous for reasons he had not yet told Nataniel.
A strange tingling started in his hands as he pulled away, one that traveled from the tips of his fingers all the way up to his shoulder. Pure unpleasantness that made his chest tighten and his eyes begin to wet.
No, he wouldn't cry here. It meant nothing to Nataniel, only another reason to be annoyed at December that the boy truly didn't want.
He couldn't stop his voice from cracking when he finally did speak up, however.
"... I embarrass you. I annoy you.. You want me to change and try for you, but nothing seems to be good enough. I can't be happy with my progress because to you, I've settled. I've always really appreciated honesty but... I don't know what to think anymore. Why do you keep me around if everything about me is so negative? It really sounds like you hate me as a person... Did you want sex? You don't have to try so hard if that's what you want, I'm happy to have sex with you, but this... What we are, what you want from me, it really, truly doesn't seem like you want me around at all... What am I to you...?" December had done his best to not expect much, especially since he vaguely recalled being told that before.
They had been talking about dates not too long ago! They were talking about spending time together, and that just went down hill so rapidly that he could feel the nausea swelling up in his belly from the whirlwind of emotions he went through. He could hear the old echos of May in his ears, words telling him how useless and stupid he was, and the more he thought about Nat, the more he thought maybe, just Maybe, it was true.
But even if it was, he didn't want to give up.
"Can you just tell me what you want from me? Not just the shopping but... But everything. The long term... Because right now, it sounds like you'd really just rather me leave, and that's the very last thing I want..."
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Posted: Fri May 01, 2020 12:14 pm
He'd only wanted a second. A moment of reprieve in which he could fetch a water bottle and maybe an Advil, because Nataniel wasn't so stupid as to not realize that December's questions were just veiled judgements: verbal acknowledgement that the younger man couldn't accept how Nat felt. He wasn't pleasant enough. Not friendly or sweet like in the date movies December had brought up earlier. It wasn't right of him to expect aesthetic decency from December if they were to be in public together. Not right of him to want to be an a date with an adult instead of a damaged child. But Nataniel had still wanted to do something together. He'd wanted to go on a date. He'd wanted to go shopping. He'd tried to be nice.
His hand hovered on the handle, door opened only a sliver. It wasn't enough just to 'try,' though. Nataniel had thought as much himself. It wasn't enough to try to be something you weren't. The door slammed shut, the sound of the crack echoing around the room, and Nataniel turned narrowed eyes back to December. "You obviously have not heard what you hoped you would," he rumbled softly, "So how about you say how you feel about me."
They'd spent a lot of time, now and previously, discussing how Nat felt about his young companion, and always with the sense of December not being satisfied with what was said.
"I would like you to admit that nothing I do pleases you. You are no happier around me than I am around you, so why are you here? What do you get out of it? I cannot even speak to you without you acting as if you might cry, so-"
'Did you want sex?'
Nataniel's eyes widened just a fraction, posture stiffening as he jolted at the abruptness of the words. Did he want- And then, before he could hear anything else December might have added, Nataniel hissed over the following words, "Get out."
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Posted: Fri May 01, 2020 12:56 pm
"I'm not moving, I'm not leaving!" December's voice seemed louder than his pleading before. His words didn't shake or tremble as they did before.
There was no reason to be afraid of Nataniel. That was the whole reason why he was here, because it felt safe.
"I'm not going to just go and be upset because of a conversation we're having, though it really is just pointing and jabbing fingers back and forth about our thoughts! You don't displease me! And I AM happier than I've ever been with anyone! And I know I'm slow on the uptake, but everything is new to me! Yes, yes, I know it's not your responsibility to teach me every little tiny thing there is to know about everything in the whole wide world, but I want to learn things with you! I want to learn how this sorta thing we have is supposed to work, and if what I feel really is love! How can I know that I never felt the feeling before? I know that what I feel for you is just for you and only you, Nataniel!" He wouldn't dare get closer to Nataniel right now. The fear wasn't there, but he could acknowledge that like this, the larger man could easily toss him aside, or out of the room.
Instead, he moved back to the middle of the bed, to the point where it would take more effort than not to move him.
"I'm here because I want to be. I get to love you and to give you my time, and be around you, and that's all I really wanted from the get go! I cry, I can't help it, but that doesn't mean I want to leave. I just... How can I be confident in what I am to you when I don't know? What is your reason for keeping me around?"
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 10:53 am
What was the point in December asking what Nataniel wanted if he didn't intend to abide by it? Nat had told him to get out. Their shared proximity was only beneficial so long as it wasn't offensive, and December simply did not understand him well enough to routinely ensure that it wasn't. More often than not, they fought every time they encountered each other, to whatever extent arguing with December could be called 'fighting.' December didn't know him. December didn't care about him. He was just an available body that wasn't The Worst.
Nataniel knew because... that was what December was to him. An available body. So he wouldn't be alone. He relaxed a fraction, lashes dipping low as his gaze fell. The very idea that Nat would use December for sex made him resent that the younger man was here at all. December didn't think him different than anyone else who'd used him. No better in his desires than people who raped. Him.
Maybe it was 'safer' with Nat. He wouldn't beat him or scream at him or sell him. But ultimately, he had the same goal. That was all December thought of him as.
Nataniel would be lying if he said he hadn't considered the possibility of intimacy, but he hadn't pressed. The little checkbox of intimacy could be filled by anyone more willing and able and prepared. December was an abused, whiny child. Nataniel didn't need anything more from him than just his presence. A body to play computer games with. That was what he wanted. Someone routinely available, and not all this that came with it.
'You don't displease me!'
"A lie," Nataniel retorted quietly. "You are displeased now, shrieking like a petulant child while having the audacity to utter that you feel like you are in love when you have no comprehension of who I am or what I want. We are barely friends, and the only reason either of us tolerate the other is because there are no alternatives."
Then, as if he needed the reaffirmation, "...There are no alternatives," he whispered. It didn't matter who was in his life. He would always be alone. No one knew him. No one understood him. They didn't get it when he tried to explain. He would leave, if December refused. His focus didn't wander back to December. Nataniel opened the door silently and slipped out into the hallway, shutting it behind him as he moved for the bathroom. He stepped inside and shut that door too, sinking to the floor with his head tossed back against the door.
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 11:36 am
"...." December watched from his place on the bed, heart aching more and more as Nataniel spoke.
None of this made sense. None of it seemed to work out, no matter how hard he tried. He would only be met with the accusation that he wasn't trying. How was he supposed to do anything when it was simply wall after wall after wall put up, demands that he understand without explanation.
... Maybe it was true. Maybe he was displeased, but that didn't mean he wanted to simply end it all.
Then, Nat left. And for a long moment, December didn't move. He didn't cry, nor shout, nor curl up in a ball and simply lay there, wondering when next he'd be kicked out. What he tried to think on was Nataniel, his thoughts, and how he could make this better.
That's what he wanted, right? All of this to be better, and to not settle for what meager bits of happiness December managed to find. One thought seemed to stick harder than the others, that there were no alternatives to who he could be with. Back in the beginning, certainly, that was true.
He rose from the bed, socked feet making little noise on the floor as he approached the bathroom door that he was certain Nataniel had hid behind. There was no shower, or running water, and the man was hardly the sort ot stick his fingers in his ears to ignore him.
"It's not a lie... Maybe for you, there were no alternatives, but, I'd like to think I chose you." His voice was soft but clear as he rested his forehead against the cold wood of the door. "I could have kept being that pathetic thing that just let himself be beat up by everyone, or ran away when there were problems, but I didn't. You offered me some sort of... Of happiness I didn't think I'd ever get, and I chose to go with you. ... I feel like anything I say is just going to sound like another excuse..."
Quiet filled the air again, disturbed only by a sigh and the sound of a sleeve ruffling as he wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry for being the way I am, and I'm getting better... Well, no, clearly I'm not since I still ended up upsetting you, but I'm going to get better. Not try, just.. I will be better, because I want to understand you, and I want to not be someone that you can maybe be happy with... So please, don't run away from me... Don't shut me out like this, because if you tell me to leave again, I will, if that's what will make you happiest..."
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 1:53 pm
He propped one leg up and bent an arm to rest over top of it, while the other hand settled limply in his lap. His gaze drifted up, landing lazily on the mirror hung over the sink. His perspective didn't allow him to see anything in it besides the adjoining wall, blank, white, nondescript. It was just a student apartment, after all. There was almost no reason to decorate a home that was only meant to be temporary. Everything was only temporary: his home, his school, his life. They would all end.
The world would spin on.
There weren't walls put up by him. He hadn't hidden anything, hadn't ignored anything December had asked. He'd answered the other man's questions, just not with anything he'd wanted to hear. He'd tried to explain himself, but it wasn't enough. It wouldn't ever be enough. No one got him. That was just how it was. And now he was tired of trying to explain and justify himself, like he was in the wrong, like the hurt was his fault for not lying about how he felt.
Maybe he should have expected it. December was a victim. He was always a victim, so of course everything would be everyone else's fault. He had no resolve to take responsibility for anything. Everything was Nat's fault. Nat's walls. Nat running away. Nat being hurtful.
December had no idea that anything he did hurt Nat.
His head tipped slightly, angling toward the sound of December's voice on the other side of the door. "You chose," Nataniel repeated stiffly, clearly doubting the assertion. "Over what alternative? Being a coward and a whipping boy? You chose what does not physically harm you, which is what any sane, rational person would do. It is only barely worth being called a choice at all, when your only two options are both subpar. One only slightly better than the other. I have offered you nothing. You are crying right now and every time you see me."
Nat's lips pursed into a thin line and he glared at the wall opposite him. "If you do not want me to 'shut you out,' and you do not want to leave, what am I supposed to do, then?"
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 2:11 pm
"... Why do you keep making light of what happened to me? I.. Nataniel, do you realize how... How really, really messed up what you're saying right now is? Do you even know how hard it is to be locked up and told you are nothing over and over again? It took so long to find the courage to move away from the thoughts that I really am nothing at all. It's abuse! Raised in it, a victim of it, and even now, when I'm doing all I can, I'm still told that somehow it's my own fault for being abused?" Yes, his voice trembled as he felt tears welling up. Yes, his hands shook just the tiniest bit as he finally said out loud what he refused to acknowledge for years and year.
For so long he simply tried to ignore it. It was just the way of the world, the strong ate the weak, and he was weak. The lowest of the low, the stepping stone for everyone else to go further in life. While he had made the mistake of believing that it was just what he had deserved, others were moving on, leaving him behind and getting better in life.
Jan was like that... February was like that. Every single sibling was like that except for himself. They picked themselves up and kept going, and here he was, still looking for help.
"..." He wasn't sure what to even say anymore. It made sense to leave. It was easy to do too, the door was right there. Nothing was stopping him, and even if he did leave, it wasn't as if Nataniel cared enough to stop him. So he let out a long, shaking sigh and turned his back toward that closed door.
At first, he considered just leaving. Nat wanted that, had so so himself, but the more he thought of it, the more helpless it seemed. If he left, he wouldn’t be allowed, back, would he? Maybe it was selfish but he really did like the other man. Why? Well, that was complicated. But what he did know is that he wasn’t ready to go just yet.
“I’m sorry... I really feel like anything else I say is going to help either. I won’t try to keep explaining myself. What can I do to make it right between us...? How can I make you happy...?”
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 4:59 pm
Nataniel's head whipped around to shoot an incredulous glare at the door behind him. "Excuse me?," he demanded, tone laced with some combination of frustration and confusion. "I said nothing of the sort, but you are ever inclined to jump to the worst conclusions about me, because that is what I am to you, right? Messed up." How many others had repeated it? 'Not right.' 'Something wrong with you.' 'Messed up.' Nataniel should've been accustomed to it. He wasn't what anyone else thought was 'right.' He was not like other men. He should be used to it.
"You only ever twist around what I say to make it an attack against you and never think for a second how what anything you say feels to me. You think I have no concept of what it means to feel lonely and worthless because no one else forced it on me." No one had needed to. He was capable of such things without intervention from anyone else.
His fist curled, teeth grit, eyes pinched shut, and he snapped his arm out to smack his fist against the shut door. It rattled at the impact, mirroring the rapid, stinging thrum of his heart. His voice lowered, and he faced forward again. "You cannot fathom anyone but yourself. And only barely that. Yet you expect me to be more for you than you are willing to be for me. There is no room for me to have feelings when I should be giving all of my focus to tending to yours." He folded his arms over his knee and rested his chin atop them. "This is what you always do: blame me the instant you start feeling shitty. I will not apologize for something I did not do, and I will not apologize for expressing honestly how I feel."
"So you can do whatever you want, December. I am not your keeper, not someone you should go to for instruction when you do not trust me, care about me, or think of me as anything besides someone who is out to get you. Just leave me alone."
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 7:46 pm
Again, December remained silent, only biting back a startled yelp when he felt the door move against him.
He could feel it again, those damned tears stinging his eyes, a natural reaction to raised voices, to curled fists that hit things when they were upset, and often met that he was the next target.
A clear panic was starting to settle in his chest, and his first instinct was to run. He could do that, he could flee and escape and not have to be afraid of Nataniel any more than he already was.
But that fear was new. Never before had he been so afraid, and never before had Nat really, truly given any hint besides anything except that cold indifference that seemed to barely register December.
Even if he were to cry, what would come of it? More yelling more accusatory words that he would always call himself a victim. The very thought caused a feeling of disgust and loathing towards himself to fill his belly to the point where he thought he would vomit.
This wasn’t love. This couldn’t have been love. Nataniel, again, had been right, December was simply lying to himself, convincing himself that any sort of helping hand could have been kind for a reason like actually wanting him. It was a pathetic lie in the end. Nothing came so easily, and he should have known that.
He opened his mouth, yet immediately closed it again when he felt it give into a crack, a half sob that was quickly smothered before Nataniel could hear it.
And he tried again.
And again.
And again.
Each time, his voice failed, and he bit his lip harder, near bleeding to try to wrangle it into behaving.
And again, his head echoed that he couldn’t say anything at all. It would be thrown back at him, and he would be accused of making up more excuses and playing the ‘victim’, and being self centered. Everything seemed to swell up, yet it all felt forbidden to feel. Feeling was wrong, wanting anything was wrong, and Nataniel said it again and again. Even if he were to say what was on his mind, that he wanted to be happy, that he wanted Nataniel to be happy, it would fall on deaf ears, so why try?
Why keep pushing and pushing for something that just couldn’t work?
Unable to keep it in any longer, December pulled his knees up to his chest himself, and bit his lip in a last ditch effort to keep any sobbing noise from coming out.
It failed.
“I never asked you to apologize. I never asked you to feel bad about anything or expected you too! I do care! I care so much but maybe I’m too stupid to realize that what you do is your way of caring too! I don’t know! And I’m sorry I don’t know! I’m sorry I came to you looking for happiness, and I’m sorry I put that burden on you for no reason at all except me thinking you wanted to help! You’re not messed up! You’re amazing and brilliant and you work so hard to be so good at everything, and I’m sorry I just hoped I could be with you to see you be as amazing as you are! But how am I supposed to fix this?! It’s not like I had anyone I wanted to be around as much as I want to be around you! If you’re lonely and hurt, tell me! If I’m stupid and acting unreasonable, tell me! If you want something from me, please, just tell me, because all I know is fists and blood and I am doing my best not to be afraid of anything anymore because I don’t want to be like that in front of you! Yet here I am, again, crying and looking stupid and I’m trying to stop it, I am! I’m not blaming you! I’m not, I sure I’m not, I’ll blame myself every single time because I know it’s not you!”
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 6:46 am
He could hear it.
The twist of fabric at the flinch, the way December's weight shifted away from the door. Nataniel's teeth pinched the inside of his cheek, and his fingers bunched against the fabric of his pants. "I have never put my hands on you," he muttered. But December expected him to and didn't even pretend to acknowledge how hurtful it was. Nat was the bad guy. Nat was messed up.
"I wish you could hear what I hear and see what I see," Nataniel said softly. "I wish you could hear yourself saying, 'That's really messed up, what you're saying, Nataniel,' and then declaring how it was not your intention to make me feel bad, as if there was any other purpose to screaming and crying and making sure I know you are an abused victim who I am attacking. I wish you heard the contradiction I hear. Not everything needs to be expressly asked for it to be true."
"I wish you recognized how cruel it is to place this burden of your happiness on me when you know nothing about me. You expect me to cater flawlessly to your feelings. I should be patient and kind and responsive when you do not offer these things to me. You are judging and accusing me right now, as if you are the only one wounded."
"I wish you heard the lies. I wish you heard how it sounded when you try to complement me or tell me you 'love' me and trust me, while yelling how 'messed up' and cruel I am or flinching every time I look you at you or disagree with you. Things you say and do cannot just be taken back once they have been said and done."
He let out a soft breath, posture easing as he took a slow inhale.
"I cannot tell you anything without fear of this," he replied. "I tell you I am offended, and you cry and demand to know why I allow you around. You make sure I am aware how hard your life is and how unreasonable I am being for not being more compassionate and understanding. For not talking sweetly and making sure you feel loved and wanted and precious. Even now, even now, 'here you are, crying and looking stupid and trying to stop it,' and I should feel guilty for not acknowledging your struggle."
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 7:46 am
It wasn't as if feelings were strange or unusual to December, but somehow, all of this was incredibly exhausting.
He didn't to keep going and forth. And he didn't want to leave.
In his mind, he craved reassurance, for that door to open up and for him to be held and told everything would be okay. It was a far off memory in his mind of feeling that way before, probably from before everything went to hell when his father passed.
That memory of kindness was what he clung to, and somehow, he continued to hope Nataniel would end up like that too.
But not everyone acted that way, sweet and gentle and patient and kind and responsive. He hadn't earned that right from Nataniel. The right to want anything he expected had not been earned.
"... We are different. We really, really are." The sobbing stopped as quickly as it started, though stains of tears remained where he had rested his head against his knees. "I want for too much, don't I? You're right, None of that is your responsibility... I'm sorry... I really am. And I'm sorry for hurting you too. I didn't even think about that. You're right. You really, really are just... Just right."
There was another short pause, an attempt to cultivate a better response than simply saying what was on his mind. That never seemed to work. Just like how Nat never seemed to do or say what December wanted or expected, the same went for December himself. And the more he dwelled on that, the worst he realized he really was.
But that's not what Nat wanted to hear. There were wishes, and desires, but nothing he could actively do. There was some understanding there now, though he, himself had messed up, was messed up.
"Before I go... Will you be willing to let me try again? Try this being with you, being your friend...? I can start over, and be less selfish, I'm sure... A-and you're right, I can't take what I've said away, but now that I know what was wrong, I can be better. I don't wanna give up... Not on this, and not on you..."
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 8:40 am
His muscles continued to slacken, back bending into more of a slouch as he tucked his chin against his arms. "I know," Nataniel answered, voice flat and soft and disaffected once more. How many times had he said that, himself? 'We are so different.' 'We do not think the same or act the same.' 'We do not want the same things.' Nataniel knew. He'd known from as far back as their first meeting on the computer. No one was like him. Everyone else let their feelings guide and control them. Nat didn't want that. He just wanted to be reasonable. He just wanted everything to be reasonable.
"I think... there is nothing wrong with wanting things," Nataniel started slowly. "You can want as much as seems possible to acquire. But when you want what you want, you need to be patient and diligent... Nothing comes freely, and you should be prepared to put in the effort it takes to reach those goals. Do not expect me to be the only one who has to try."
He barely remembered what they'd been doing twenty minutes before. "I told you what I wanted. I just wanted you to pick clothes. Not try them on, not pay for them. I just wanted you to look at them and pick. You refused to give me even that much effort. Do you know how frustrating that is? Do you know how frustrating it is that I try to take you on a date and do something nice and try and be better, and the response I get is just you demanding I say that you are awful. I said you embarrass me because I do not want to lie to you... but how can I not? How can I not, when this is where it gets us?"
He pinched his tongue between his teeth and tried not to snap out his next words. "I don't want to be right! I just want... I want you to understand."
Why did his face feel so hot? He wasn't a child about to cry over this. They were barely friends, he'd said so, himself. It shouldn't matter if December left. Nataniel could progress as he always had. He didn't need the support so many others complained about. He didn't need it, he didn't need it...
His breath shuddered out of his lips. He shut his eyes. "How are you going to try to be better?"
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 8:48 am
"Nataniel..." The words 'I'm sorry' were there, waiting on his tongue, but there was no reason to apologize again. He had said it enough and... In a way, Nataniel had already given him the reassurance he was seeking.
It was 'okay' to want things. To maybe even expect good things, but to work for them. And that was something he knew he could do. And he knew better than to expect things for free. Why he had thought those things changed now, he couldn't answer. It wasn't as if he had expected anything for free before.
"... I'm going to do better by listening." December nodded to himself, assuring himself that he knew that was some he could do.
"I'm not going to doubt anymore... I don't want to keep thinking too deep into things and expecting the worst, or that there's some reason you do things that you don't tell me because of something that's in my head." He moved to his knees now, turning to face the door so that his voice could come through more clearly, more determined than it had been before.
"I'm going to ask more questions, not in doubt or anything, or expecting that anything is a lie just... Questions about you, about what you like, about how you see things, because more than anything else right now, I want to understand, so that maybe one day, you can look at me and not need to worry about if something's going to hurt me or not, just maybe look at me like I'm something worth smiling at. Something that makes you happy. And I'm going to keep trying and trying at that until we're both happy with what we have with one another."
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 10:42 am
He lifted his head, angling his focus more toward the door as December spoke. Nataniel should've been relieved to hear December's promises. It was much of what he wanted, for there to just be some consideration given to what he might be thinking or feeling... But he was mostly just drained, tired. It wasn't very often he had to deal with anyone more than himself for an extended period of time.
If the people in his computer games bothered him, he could find a new group. If any of his bar flings acted out, he could leave. But it was unreasonable to leave his house out of frustration for someone who didn't even live there, and there wasn't another person who could occupy the strange niche December held in his life...
Nataniel sighed and slid to the side, out of the way of the door, but still leaning back against the wall. "You can come in," he murmured softly.
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 12:17 pm
With Nataniel's permission, December stood up, slowly opening the door. Whatever he expected to find, he knew at least he wasn't afraid of it.
His eyes finally rested on the man sitting on the floor, and not a moment later, he was there on his knees before him. His arms came around Nataniel's shoulders, and he pressed his cheek against his, finally relaxing. After all of that, the hug he gave kinda made everything feel better.
"... Do you wanna go back to the bedroom?"
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