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 Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:02 pm
Jordan picked up his can of soda again, looked sideways at Melvin. Melvin sounded discontented, maybe even upset. Unhappy. "This is what I wanted, what I hoped for, after I understood what I couldn't have," he said after a moment. "To not be cut off. To still have a place in his life. I know I'm the extra guy. I've known that since the first breakup. I'll take something over nothing. My second choice over my last choice."
You'd do the same in a heartbeat if Lawr and Rodney let you, he thought, and kept it to himself. That was farther than he wanted to go. Melvin was his friend.
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:27 pm
The smile was all but gone now, and he didn't bother even looking at Jordan now, not sure how he would feel if he did.
"Over Nothing. You talk like you were given a death sentence." He felt a sick twisted bitterness rise in him, and he felt further and further when minutes ago he had felt he had been there. He had been on his side of the fence. He knew how it felt, how it was, and they were working together to become stronger in the face of it.
And instead of moving in the other direction, he hopped the fence, and he was left wondering what had happened.
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:35 pm
"Over nothing, yes." Jordan's lips pinched into a tight line. "In a choice between what I want and nothing, of course I'm going to take the former." He set the soda can aside, feeling as though he might squeeze it too hard if he kept holding it. He'd thought that Melvin would be happy for him. "What would you have done?"
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:39 pm
He looked at the can that was crinkling in Jordan's hand and up at him. "I'm not you, Jordan." He looked back to the TV. "....I'm just me. I said I'd support whatever made you happy. Whatever someone that is. You found them....again. I hope it works out for you." He said, not able to fake a smile.
"You're missing the movie."
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:44 pm
"You're my friend. I value your opinion," Jordan said, and sighed. "I ... thanks. If it goes down in flames, I give you full permission to say told you so." He looked back towards the screen, aware that he'd missed some of the setup for the plot, only half caring.
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:51 pm
The movie went on for a few minutes without a word.
"I don't want to say that." He managed, holding the coke can in his lap and rubbing his finger around the tab.
"I can't say what I'd do because what you have must be not what I had. Not if you want it. Just didn't see it until now. That it would make you that happy." His insides hurt, and he regretted bringing all these snacks now, unable to eat.
"I just got it wrong."
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 7:25 pm
Jordan studied Melvin's profile, the miserable line of his mouth. What you have must not be what I had. Maybe Melvin wouldn't take the same deal, after all. "I want this," he said, quiet and serious. "I'm happy with this. Anything else would have been third place, forever, and that wouldn't have been fair for someone."
He reached out to touch Melvin's shoulder, just a gentle brush of fingertips that dropped away just as quickly. "I thought that was what you had, too." I'm sorry went unspoken.
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 7:36 pm
He felt bad, and he knew he should feel that way. Jordan was happy, and as his friend and after that talk, he should have been there to support him and be there to be happy he could go back to feeling loved and wanted again. That he wasn't where he had been, which wasn't a good place at all. He just wasn't sure how it all feel into place with what he had been expecting, and in turn felt bitter at his own selfishness. That in some way, he wanted to have him struggle alongside him.
Apprehensive, he looked back at Jordan. "If this is what you want.....if this can make you happy....then that's what I want too as your friend. Sorry for....ruining this moment for you."
It wasn't what he had. It would never be what others hand. Years had shown him that. What he and Lawr had was a different kind of monster. It wasn't marriage. It wasn't boyfriends. It had warped and twisted through the years to something as dark and shifting as the shadowlings they fought. It was living in ruins and breathing in toxic smog each day but leaving to health pastures and missing the place that made you feel like home - made you miss the poison even if it would kill you. Yet it was still there, like sediment in your lungs, and you could feel it.
"Do you two have any big plans now?" He said, trying to move on, past this, past himself, and back on Jordan and his moment of sunshine. His moment of home again.
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:02 pm
"It's not ruined." Jordan shook his head a little. Even though he'd been taken aback by Melvin's reaction and felt the need to defend his choices, the core of the feeling remained untouched, a warm bubble of comfort in the center of his chest, something fragile-seeming that would nevertheless take a lot more than this to shatter. "Sorry for making you feel weird." He knew that he didn't fully understand Melvin's reaction, but he sympathized nonetheless.
"Nothing big yet. Just getting to know each other again. Figuring out what's going to be normal." He had been shut out from that sense for a long time, and it was new again, the shape of how they fitted together altered once more, familiar and alien.
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:21 pm
"Nah. I feel weird all on my own." He said, trying for a weak joke. "Just...being selfish."
He took a breath, trying to let go of the tangle of eels moving about in his chest.
"It's nice to see you smile for once. To look forward to something now."
The movie was well into the storyline and he knew it was a completely lost cause at following it at all. Seemed it was more a girl's night in now, and he shifted his weight to focus on Jordan now. "You both are really different from a year ago. I mean, I can't say too much. I've been kinda - out of touch, but even before the island. Both of you talked about the other a lot. It's good it isn't going on for a year longer wondering if the other was going to say no. You two are great at avoiding and you need to stop."
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 6:10 pm
"I won't argue that," Jordan replied, faintly embarrassed. "I do have you to thank for getting me to wind up my courage and just go talk about it. You're a good influence, or something." He glanced at the movie, but neither of them were really paying attention to it. Maybe they could try again sometime when neither had an emotional bomb to drop.
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Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 6:51 am
"Well, I didn't want you to spend another year disintegrating. I wanted you to move to something better and...well, wanted us both to get to a point where we could smile again and mean it." He admitted, but now knew it was in ways different than what he imagined.
"You're one step ahead of me on that."
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Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:43 pm
"I still want to see you get to that point," Jordan said seriously. "Where do you think you'll go from here?" He had misunderstood Melvin's situation; he wasn't sure what Melvin would want to do next. The logical step would be to look to date again, maybe, but that was its own daunting idea.
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Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 2:13 pm
He shrugged. "No idea really. It took me a year off the island just to see I was living in our - Lawr's house out of spite. I had hoped that once I started building the house, with someone to focus on and get some momentum going, things would start working themselves out. It was hard enough just fixing up my dorm to know it wasn't a place I was using as extra storage and back to living in alone again." And even still he had been reluctant to fully unpack, various boxes still in corners in a upgraded, large apartment he had gotten so Lawr and him could live comfortably. Now it was just too big for him.
He took a sip of his coke and then frown. He could really go for some alcohol now.
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Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 2:50 pm
"It's hard to get used to living alone again," Jordan said, sympathetic. He glanced at the boxes in the corner. "Planning on finding a house still? I see you've got some stuff still packed up." It had been a little while since they'd all returned from the three days that had been a year. Perhaps Melvin hadn't had time to unpack, or perhaps he wasn't planning on staying here long.
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