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 Posted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 4:47 pm
Of all the things that could have happened, nothing had pointed to Ptolemy pulling away. When he did, Chara pulled his arms away as well, crossing them over his chest defensively.
"I honestly... I wasn't thinking about sex or anything like that... Of all the people, I would have thought you knew I'm not that shallow... " He admitted quietly, gaze turning down as shame started to build inside of him. It had been a long time since he was more of the promiscuous young man out searching for the next touch or pleasure. In his mind he had wanted just to feel loved for once, for Ptolemy's arms to hold him tight and just to hears those words again, I love you, whispered to him as if it was meant in the way he wanted it to. Despite all that he had been through, Chara truly was a simple, lonely young man.
"As friends...? Is that what you think Oberon and I are? Yes, yes we're friends, but... But it's that same goddamn ******** feeling, that I will love him forever and that I want him to love me the same way, but it's 'no, Chara, I only love you as a friend'. Every single goddamn ******** time I try to open up, to find something worth... Worth clinging to, it gets deeper and ********... Before I realize it, here I am again, looking like an idiot, saying some goddamn mushy bullshit and being slammed dunked into the ******** dirt!" He hadn't noticed when it started happening but Chara's voice had raised to a near shout, his voice strained from the sobs he was trying to fit back. Biting his lip hard, he stepped back further, putting more space between him and his vice.
"I don't want to make a decision later... I know what it is now, and you're right. you're ******** right, like you always seem to be. I'm impulsive, I'm young, I just don't know what I want and because of you being you and me being me, this is never going to work! Call me weak, or needy or ******** lonely like you did before, maybe that's it! So.. No, I don't agree to wait. I don't... I don't want this night. I still want to see you and I still want to be friends or whatever the ******** we are. I don't know if that what will make me happy, but I know I want to see you again!"
Rubbing the tears from his eye, he tried to calm down, taking a deep breath. "Your feelings aren't nothing. I know they aren't, okay? Just forget I said the whole thing about our last night meeting again... I think I just... That when you said burning bridges that's what you meant..."
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Posted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 7:02 pm
As Chara mentioned sex, Ptolemy's grin returned, but it held no mirth. "Chara, Chara, Chara...you may not have been thinking about sex, but do you really trust me not to? Do you think I'd be to handle lying in a bed holding you over the course of a full night and not do anything? Besides," he continued, extending both arms to his sides as he spoke, "it would be unfair to you. It would be leading you on; tempting you to make pretend what you wished to believe. If I allow you delude yourself into thinking we are more than we are, that would only feed your misery."
He began to pace in a small, elliptical orbit as he listened to the White Moon Senshi continue. The Senshi of Change wanted so badly to comfort Chara, hold him, and be everything he needed, but he knew it wasn't possible. Not as he was right then. His hand reached out instinctively as he heard the strain of the other young man's voice, but as the one-eyed sailor scout stepped further away, he realized what he was doing and dropped his arm.
"You're...you're not the only one, Kisses," Kit told him. "Maybe I'm wrong about you being lonely, but I know I'm not wrong about me. I'm always lonely. That's why I sleep with whomever - to try to fill this void in me." His brows knitted in distress. "I can't seem to feel emotions the same way others do, so I do what I can to feel physically to make up for it."
He took a moment to articulate his words better. "I can't help myself. I'm so lonely, this void of mine ends up sucking in anyone who gets close enough. I don't want you to try to fill that void only to end up being swallowed by it and spat back out more bitter and cynical than ever." Ptolemy gave a shuddering exhale.
"Just...Chara," he said, his voice faint, but pleading. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have given you an ultimatum like that. Can you please forgive me?"
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Posted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 7:41 pm
"Can't you take anything seriously for one ******** second..?" Chara miserably sighed, rubbing his eye again as he felt the tears well up. Peter was right, he shouldn't have bothered coming so close to Ptolemaeus again. Even when he tried to be happy and relaxed around the man, it just didn't work.
"... ********, you and Oberon both sound the same. Worried that my own delusions would be my downfall or some s**t... I can ******** myself over just fine without you guys looking out for me. Maybe that's what I want to do, to live in a lie and atleast pretend that I can have some sort of positive effect on people, that their lives are just a teeny bit better with me in it. Heh, the way you talk, You make me think I'm useless at even trying to play pretend." Getting tired of seeing the Dark Mirror pace about, he reached out and grabbed the others hand, holding it and keeping him in place.
He had no idea how to respond to the apology... Was any of this even real? ********, if Ptolemy really was how he declared himself, did he actually feel any remorse for what he did? Was there any sort of regret or pain in any of this, or was it all just some ******** act to elicit sympathy from him?
"I know you don't want to hurt me... Not again, not anymore, but I just... Look, Ptolemaeus. What we have is strange and it hurts sometimes, but like I said... I can see this getting better... I hope it can. because I DO love you and I still cling to that thought that hey, maybe you can love me enough one day to stay with me here, and on the other side... You know I forgive you, though... Hell, If I can forgive you for threats of corruption, what makes you think I can't forgive you for this?"
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Posted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 9:25 pm
"That's because it's already confusing enough to know what's real and what isn't without you deciding to make things up," Ptolemy retorted. "You do have a positive effect on people and you do make their lives better. If you decide to just go around pretending, you won't realize that that's actually true."
He tensed when he was grabbed, but ceased his pacing. "When I was making those threats about corrupting you, I never meant to do it. But this..." The hooded senshi shook his head and ran his hand across his face wearily. "It just seems cruel to let you cling to some hope when you don't understand who or what I am. What you're dealing with."
The taller senshi's hand fell to his side and he stared at the ground. "I can feel emotions, I just haven't been able to feel them to the extent I used to. That's why I can love you and care for you...just not the way you want me to. And I don't know if that will ever change. I may just not be capable of it anymore thanks to that void."
Ptolemaeus stood like a wilted stalk, staring through the ground. "I don't know if you can forgive me for being this way. For not being able to sympathize or empathize enough or for wanting to hold you and be close even if not romantically. You may think you can handle it now, but if you try to keep it up over time, you may come to resent me. Or worse...you'll break.
"You'll waste your life in my arms instead of looking for someone who is worthy of you, telling yourself you're content with how things are when in actuality it's not enough. And later, once you've finally come to terms with the fact that it's not enough, you won't be able to forgive me for not having been able to give you all you wanted or needed or deserved."
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 8:00 am
Chara let his hand fall to his side and stared hard at the ground for a long time as Ptolemy spoke. He was right. He was right in all of that, that he didn't know who Ptolemy was outside of their powered personas. Atleast with Oberon, he knew both sides, and knew that he loved both of them... Maybe that's why it was so easy to handle the lie he lived in, thinking that may one day Oberon would change his mind and love him back. Even if it was false hope, it was still hope in one way or another, and that was far more than what he had for Ptolemaeus... The only way they could work was someone corrupting or purifying, and like hell he was about to go to the dark side...
"You're right... You're absolutely one hundred ******** percent right. I would break. And I broke before because of you. Twice even." It almost made him feel sick to his stomach thinking about how hung up he had been over and over about the man before him, how much pain he went through just for a few hours of being by his side maybe once or twice a week. "First from trying so hard to feel that same way you make me feel with strangers... ********, I was such a mess back then.. And then when you tried to corrupt me.. Sure, you said you didn't mean it, you never meant it, but do you know how ******** bad that hurt to hear you say that?! I must be one ******** huge idiot to still come here and claim I love you after all of that!"
As much as he berated himself, he knew that sure, he could say all this, could mope and cry and shout and scream about hating the man, and yet would never mean it.
"Tell me, what do you want from me? I've made it clear what I want, and I'm not changing my mind again. And don't feed me that ******** bullshit about you just wanting me to be happy. After all you've done, there's no way I'm ever believing that, no matter what your <******** void makes you think. I've told you time and time again what you can do to make me happy, but clearly that doesn't matter now, does it? You just want to clear your ******** conscious so your void can be all empty and sad and pitiful like you're trying so hard to try to come off as!"
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 9:27 am
Oh, Chara had it bad. Ptolemy had done his best before to eradicate whatever fledgling feelings of infatuation the other senshi had had when he gradually became more aware of the direction they had been growing in, but evidently, he'd been too late.
Perhaps he'd hurt the younger senshi, but it sounded like, by then, Chara's emotions had already gotten to the point that no amount of hatred could neutralize those feelings of love. Ptolemy knew what that was like. He wouldn't have wished it on anyone, but now here he was as a cause of it.
"I know it hurt," he admitted. "I meant it to. I thought if I could get you to hate me, I could protect you from worse pain. But since it seems like you weren't spared that pain after all, I'm sorry that the hurt I caused you through that threat was in vain."
He opened his mouth when Chara asked him what he wanted from him, but closed it again as the other sailor scout continued. Watching the other super senshi, he waited a few moments after he was finished before attempting once more to respond.
"Alright," he began, "I admit I've been trying to balance your desires and mine because even if I want you to be happy, my idea of what might make you happy may be different from your own. Because they're different, neither of us is getting what we want. And I obviously can't claim to know what makes you happy better than you do. So," Ptolemy continued, gesturing a hand toward Chara, "do me the favor of telling me one more time what I can do toward that end and I will do it. No questions asked."
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:06 pm
"Just call me a sad little pup then. No matter how many times you kick me, or hurt me or starve me, I still come back, hoping that this time you'll actually love me and want me around this time." Why that was... Hell if he knew. Not that it mattered anymore.
Chara let out a half-growl as Ptolemy seemed to avoid his request, the ball of his food, digging into the ground as he fought the urge to just punch the Dark Mirror Senshi. He was trying to convince himself he knew better. After all, a punch wasn't going to fix anything between them.
"Anything? Anything at all, to make me happy? Fine. Leave the Dark Mirror Court and stay with me. That way I don't have to fight with the fact that I could never know you on the other side." He knew damned well that the answer would be something along the lines of 'you know I can't do that, Chara', but he might as well say it. "I won't ever leave the White Moon, that's a fact, but you, you're the all mighty Senshi of Change and all that s**t. If you're willing to change, then change for me. I'm sure that's how much you love me, right?"
Every word he spoke after his request was just dripping with sarcasm, hands coming up to make a dismissive motion. "Now ******** tell me what you want from ME already, for ******** sake!"
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:50 pm
Ptolemy blinked rapidly once the request was made. He straightened up, surprise blatant every facet of his features, his lips parted slightly in shock.
After a few seconds, though, his gaze dropped and he had recomposed himself. "...Alright," he said. "I'll do it."
When he looked back up at Chara, his grin had returned, but it was wistful and weak. "I really just want you to try to be happy, Chara. You've been through so much pain and suffering already, so perhaps that's a lot to ask...but that's really all I want from you. To try."
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 2:57 pm
The first reaction Chara had was his own sort of shock. He had actually said yes? While he was trilled over it, that he had won something that he had pinned for for such a long time, it lasted only a few moments before fear started to set itself within his chest.
"You do know that means you leave everything behind, right? Your family, your friends, all the people and things you have on your civilian side will be gone. You'll have nothing there left to turn to... And all the allies you've made in your Court, they'll be gone too. Sure, they might still be willing to work with you, but you won't have that connection anymore. You'd just have me and whatever White Mooners you happened to have charmed over time..." Anything more than that, he didn't know, but just those small facts alone had left him horrified at the idea of corrupting. Life was s**t as a civ most of the time for Benji, but atleast he could say that it was his life.
"Whatever void you talk about might just get bigger. Think about it, whatever little bits and memories of life, connections you made growing up, just regular you, not Ptolemaeus, gone in an instant. Would you really want to lose all of that for someone like me? Who's being impulsive now?" This time Chara grinned himself, a soft and bitter laugh leaving his lips as he crossed his arms infront of his chest again, trying to put space between him and the Dark Mirror senshi without actually moving.
"We both know for impulsive things, that's ******** stupid. So... Let's say this. It's August now... Come New Years' Eve, say that to me again. Tell me that you are willing to purify for me, and then I'll take you seriously. That gives you four months to decide whether or not you really want to, and to tie up any loose strings you have."
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:25 pm
His answer was a soft chuckle. "Heheh...I've already walked out on my family and changed my name once before. I think I can handle doing it again." The senshi gave a brief, non-committal shrug. "Not like I have any ties to family right now. Most of my 'friends' are little more than acquaintances. I doubt anyone would miss me or wonder what would have happened to me. And yeah, I'd have to start over, but it's not like I haven't already done it."
Ptolemaeus understood what it took to purify. It may not have been as difficult for him to turn his back on his civillian life as it may have been for others, especially if he was able to keep his memories, but it was still difficult. However, that wasn't the heart of the sacrifice he would have to make.
He was deeply invested in his court. Just earlier he had told Chara how he had been doing his best to understand its history and unravel its other mysteries and he had wanted to see those through. There were still reasons the White Moon Senshi didn't understand as to why Ptolemy was loyal to his own court and that was what bothered him the most. But if this was what Chara truly desired - if this was the only way he would believe that Ptolemaeus actually cared about him - then so be it. The other sailor scout had been right, after all, about him being the Senshi of Change.
Regardless, the taller male thought he knew how things were going to go. Once he purified, Chara would be able to know more about him and he'd be able to know more about Chara. However, he doubted the Senshi of Chocolate would like what he discovered. Ptolemaeus guessed he'd probably end up losing interest in him and fall out of love, which was probably for the best. In this way, too, it would probably be less painful for Chara to let him go than simply forcing him to do so by never having contact with him again. Even if he couldn't be happy with Ptolemy, at least letting him go would give him the chance to seek happiness elsewhere.
"It doesn't matter," he stated. "Not compared to your happiness." The smile he bestowed upon Chara was tender and melancholy. "I appreciate your consideration for me, but I'm not being impulsive. I had given thought to this before, remember? I know the costs involved."
When the other super senshi mentioned a decision date, Ptolemy's expression faltered for a moment before resuming. Four months...yes. Maybe he'd be able to finish his research regarding his court by then. Even if he couldn't keep that knowledge, he could pass it on to other Dark Mirror Senshi before he left.
"That sounds fair," he replied. "It'll also give me time to learn how to purify, since I'm not sure how to go about it." Bowing at the waist to Chara, he expressed his gratitude. "Thank you."
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 5:07 pm
"Don't you say that, Ptolemaeus... Like you said to me before, even if it feels like no one cares about you, someone out there does... Could you really leave them behind?" It worried him so much to think that someone was like him, so lonely in the world... It only made him want to pull him in closer.
That look... Damn that look. It drew him in like a moth to a flame and the moment that Ptolemy was within reach, Chara's arms went about his neck, embracing him and keeping him at his height.
"I want to believe you... I want to think that you really do care about my happiness... But value your own too, alright? All those times you tell me you care about me, I don't really say it, but I want you happy too... Please know that... And if you do choose to stay with me, to join me here with the White Moon, even if we don't work out romantically, I will be there for you. You're still... You're a friend, and I won't leave you to be alone... We'll never be alone, I promise..." If it all ended up with Chara being heartbroken and love never working out, atleast they'd still be friends in the weird way that they were.
"And... If you decide to stay as a Dark Mirror... Well, we can all change even if we're not the Senshi of Change, I guess... I'll do my best to let this go. Until then, I'm not giving up hope." Like so many times before, he couldn't stop himself, and kissed the taller man as gently as he could. This whole thing was so much pressure; there were so many different options to consider, it was hard to believe Ptolemy could make the decision at all.
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 5:59 pm
"Like you said to me before, even if it feels like no one cares about you, someone out there does... Could you really leave them behind?"
Chara's question pricked at Ptolemy's heart and a face and name came to mind. Tymiko. Would she really be okay without him? It had been over a year since she'd last seen him. Surely she had learned to manage without him in that time. She would be just fine.
The warmth of Chara's embrace swept him up then and this time he gave in completely. Enveloping the shorter senshi in his own arms, he pulled him close and sat them both down, pulling the other male into his lap. He wanted to stay that way a while and he wouldn't have been able to do it comfortably if they were both standing.
His neck pressed against the White Moon Senshi's as he rested his face against the other's shoulder. Breathing in deep, he inhaled the sweet scent of chocolate, his least favorite food, and didn't care. A faint smile continued to play on his lips as he contemplated the words meant for him.
That's not possible, he thought. I'm too much of a monster. I doubt I'm capable of true happiness anymore with this void of mine, but at least I won't feel true sadness, either. If this choice will allow at least one of us to be happy, that'll be enough for me.
Instead of speaking, he hugged Chara tighter, shutting his eyes and clinging to him as if his very life depended on it. When he felt the one-eyed male's lips, he returned the kiss several times over, dotting him with them along his head, shoulders, and back. They were delicate and chaste, as if it was possible that one might have shattered the young man like glass, but Ptolemaeus' hold on him was vice-like. He knew it wouldn't have been good for them to stay like that for too long, but...right then he just felt like allowing them to indulge in the simple pleasures of holding someone and being held by someone in turn.
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Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 6:18 pm
As Ptolemy pulled him closer and sat down with him, Chara didn't protest. He could feel the other's breath against his neck, the smile forming as lips met his soft skin.
Words weren't needed between the two anymore. They had said more than enough, and it seemed they both seemed content with how it ended. Every kiss Ptolemy placed on Chara's warm skin was met with a smile, and nothing was taken as anything more than it was. He wouldn't push for anything more tonight. In the end, this was all that he wanted. Being held, holding the other back, fingers grasping to the back of the other's uniform, not out of desperation, but just for the comforting feeling it provided.
When they parted, that warmth would vanish, and again he'd feel alone... But atleast this time it didn't feel like the end. He'd see him again, and they wouldn't fight. After all of this, it seemed like a small bit of understanding was reached between them. That was more than enough for tonight to keep him content.
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