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 Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:01 pm
Alexei regarded Shiloh with a knowingness, like he only trusted half of what Shiloh said and had to translate the other half into something he could work with.
“Annoying in what ways?” he asked, instead of repeating what he’d said earlier. Shiloh had a difficult time accepting what Alexei said, and Alexei had a difficult time stressing that he enjoyed the company. It had been a long time since he’d taken time out of his schedule to do something non-work related, and the moment he’d had it introduced to his life again, he craved it.
Not that he would admit he craved anything—except, perhaps, coffee and justice.
Social interaction without obligation was refreshing, though Alexei had a hard time turning off the ‘work’ switch and Shiloh had a hard time turning off the ‘self-deprecating’ switch.
They were a mess, together, but Alexei didn’t think that was such a problem. Everything in his else was organized; everything had a place, a procedure.
Shiloh did not have that rigidity; the only thing holding him back was himself.
A part of Alexei detested it; it repulsed him to see someone with such low-self esteem. A larger part of Alexei was attracted to it, compelled by some unbidden desire to correct it. Already he seemed to have set up his mind about it.
Alexei wasn’t the sort to quit in the middle of a project, and now wasn’t any exception.
“You should trust me. Most people do. If I invite your company, you must assume that I have put thorough thought into it. I don’t have many hobbies, outside of work. Why don’t you let me make you mine?”
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:23 pm
Shiloh had not expected the question at all. He had imagined already that the judge would have just given a bit of a nod, then stood up and say he was ready to go back. And then in the end they would just return to what they had before, taking moments only at night to see one another. That was okay, Shiloh didn't mind. It was probably better for the judge's reputation anyway, to not be seen in the company of a stumbling and stammering young man. Yet the question DID come and he had no choice but to answer as truthfully as he could. Not that he would try to lie in the first place.
"W-well... I've been told I'm too hard to be around, my words... They stumble and trip over one another and that's just frustrating to them.... A-and then there's how it's so hard for me to think positively of myself... I try and I try but it's so difficult to just smile and think 'you're doing alright, Shiloh'. Everything makes me panic and doubt my actions or someone elses intentions a-and iI don't mean to be a bother I just don't know how to...." The more he thought about it, the more his hands began to shake, and he quickly moved them, placing them between his knees to hide the movements from the judge. There was no hiding the tears that were forming though as he thought hard on why people left him alone so often. "I really am trying, sir, I am... I'm trying so hard to make sure you don't find me a pest, and I know you said you enjoy my company but I don't... I can't seem to make myself believe it. I know you are a man of honor, and I know your words are truth, so I don't know why I can't..."
A shuddering of a breath was taken, one that could only be described as the sound of someone holding back tears, and how Shiloh hated it. He wanted so desperately to be the person who was able to smile wantonly and who took everything in stride, but that wasn't him. He was unsure if it ever could be him.
Feeling the shaking subside in his hands, he took his glasses off, setting them on the table for the moment while he childishly rubbed his eyes on the sleeve of his coat. Had he only one wish it would be to not cry at the drop of a hat anymore. It was truly bothersome and left him feeling incredibly tired.
Before he could put his glasses back on, he heard the judge ask him something that both shocked him and left him incredibly confused. He couldn't be saying that he actually wanted Shiloh by his side, could he? It made no sense, no matter how many times the blushing young man went over it in his head. It took quite a moment for him to find his voice again, and when he did, it was hardly more than a whisper, designated for the Judge's ears only.
"S-sir!" he stammered, that everlasting redness coming full force to his cheeks and ears, not hidden this time by his glasses and a gaze downwards. "I... I am very much unsure of what you mean! P-please clarify it, s-so that I can understand what you want from me, b-because right now it sounds like... like you'd wish for something f-from me that I am unsure y-you'd be comfortable with discussing out here w-where your reputation would be at risk!"
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Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2017 5:24 pm
Another smile graced Alexei’s face and he watched Shiloh for a long moment. “I ask for nothing,” he said simply, shrugging. “I am only offering an opportunity that might benefit the both of us. Don’t put too much thought into it, or my reputation. I will manage it as I see put.”
He managed it well enough; he was used to keeping his private life very private, but he certainly didn’t seem too unnerved about things right now.
At the very least, he seemed conscientious enough not to pres for anything when Shiloh already so flustered. “Take a breath, relax,” he insisted. “Here.”
He reached into his pocket and drew out a business card; a pen followed shortly after. He flipped the card over and began writing something on the back of it.
“It distresses me to hear that you have such a hard time thinking positively for yourself. You’re not so hard to be around. Even if you are full of panic and doubt. But.” He finished writing and capped his pen. “If you have such a hard time believing yourself, perhaps you’ll believe in me.”
He slid the card across the table, face first, so Shiloh could read the message on the back.
‘You’re doing great, Shiloh.’
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Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2017 9:33 pm
"Sir, I don't..." I don't understand... Shiloh wanted to say, but the smile he received made him look down once more and obediently take a breath. Having that sense of direction Alexei provided always did seem to help him calm down much faster than he could on his own. And that smile... That smile he had only ever seen directed at him, well, that made his heart race in an entirely different way than his own panic did.
As he continued to force himself to calm down, he watched the judged scribble something down, wondering just what he was writing, yet averting his eyes again, feeling as if he shouldn't think much about it. The tears that had been shed left him feeling tired, a feeling he wasn't quite used to encountering in the daylight anymore. It made his eyes heavy and ache, so after another rub of his eyes on his sleeve, he slipped the circular frames back onto his face, naturally gazing at the judge's hand moving smoothly
"I'm sorry... Your words are very kind, sir..." Again, those words came forth quietly and pathetic, but at least he wasn't panicking anymore.
And all panic and fear left him near immediately as he picked up the card and gazed at it for a long, quiet moment. When his eyes finally looked up again at the judge, they seemed to have changed, as if the words truly did affect him more than one would have thought. Were you to ask Shiloh why he was suddenly smiling warmly, his gaze shifting between the card and the judge, he couldn't quite say... It was a calm happiness that came over him, odd and warm, like the rain that still managed to fall though the sun was out. And it was comforting in the greatest way he could imagine.
"Thank you... Thank you, I truly, truly mean it, sir... It really means alot to me to get this from you... I-I'll keep it safe, and I'll try to think of this w-when I get overwhelmed... I promise I'll do my best s-so you won't have to change your opinion on that..." Before he could stop himself, he reached out across the table and placed his hand on top of the judge's, giving it a gentle squeeze with his calloused fingertips, then quickly pulled it away, retreating it to hide between his knees once more.
"I don't really understand though, sir... But I know I don't want to ever let you down... I swear I'll do my best."
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Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 10:33 pm
Alexei offered one more smile, softer than the others. It was fleeting, like most of his smiles, but it was genuine and its rarity made it all the more valuable. He didn’t seem offended or off put at the contact Shiloh had initiated; instead, he seemed rather pleased.
“Well, with an attitude and drive like that, I’m sure you won’t let me down.”
His phone buzzed; he’d been doing a good job avoiding it but it seemed that the whatever brief glimpse of the screen he’d gotten had been enough to catch his attention. He reached for his phone and skimmed over something he’d been sent.
His lips pursed and he released a silent sigh before responding a quick message back. He looked at what was left of his coffee and managed another quick sip before he said, “I think this job means to kill me. On one hand, never a dull moment. On the other hand, I don’t always get to spend my moments the way I want to. I have to head back to the office. But I wanted to say thank you, Shiloh. This was very nice. We should do it again some time?”
It was posed as a question, but Alexei’s attentive expression made it clear that he probably wouldn’t take no for an answer.
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Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2017 9:54 pm
Shiloh just swore to himself that Alexei's smile could melt any ice in the world. It was warm and sweet and just made Shiloh's stomach do little flips. But all too soon it proved too much to look at and he looked back down at the card in his hands, smiling his own sweet smile as he read over the words again and again, simply imagining the sound of the Judge's voice saying it out loud. Even better though was when the judge DID speak to him and his cheeks only became rosier from the confidence that he other had in him.
Sadly, as with many good things, their time together was ending, signaled by the dreaded buzz of Alexei's phone. The moment the phone was picked up and the message read, Shiloh knew that it was the end, but strangely enough, it didn't make him overly sad. Especially when the judge asked him if they should do this again.
"O-Of course! J-just let me know when you're free! I'll come right over!" He squeaked out, quickly gathering up his uneaten muffin and coffee before looking down at Alexei's. Though the coffee was downed quickly, the muffin remained like his, untouched.
"Don't forget to eat, sir. It may not be much since it's just a muffin but it's better than a diet of coffee alone... "
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Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 5:02 pm
Alexei blinked, eyes darting from his phone to the muffin to Shiloh’s face. He offered a brief smile. “Of course. You don’t need to worry about me, I eat plenty.”
When he remembered to, though his pride wouldn’t allow him to admit that sometimes he was a bit careless. It was easy to devote himself to his work and forget about the world around him. Still, for Shiloh, he took a bite of the muffin as if to assure that he wasn’t going to forget.
“I’ll see you later. Than you for the company, you take care. Enjoy the rest of your day off,” he added, scooting out of his chair. He smiled once more and, before he turned, even seemed to wink at Shiloh. He pocketed his phone and pulled his briefcase with him and, with his other hand, picked up the muffin. He waved to Shiloh with his pinky. “Text me if you need anything.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2017 6:43 am
Oh. That was right, wasn't it? Shiloh was the one who ate cheese sandwiches and stale cereal most of the time. He hadn't meant to try to correct the judge's behavior, and he almost muttered an apology, but then, as always, Alexei reassured him and he relaxed a bit more. It wasn't always as if the Judge knew exactly what to do or say, but Shiloh just knew that he tried. And that was enough.
The wink confused the heck out of the poor, stammering man who managed a soft "O-okay! Bye!" before Alexei vanished from sight. The judge was really acting weird today... Almost affectionate in a way? First the note card, then the reassuring words... And of course him suggestion Shiloh to be his and refusing to actually explain what he meant, leaving the shy young man in a tizzy. He was confused and embarrassed and almost found himself wanting to hurry back home and hide in his room for the rest of the day.
Yet what he was feeling wasn't entirely a bad thing. Heck, he even managed to hold the Judge's hand in his own for a little while, and while he sat here now, alone, he gently rubbed circles in the palm of that hand with his thumb, trying to grasp just what the Judge expected of him. After a while longer of lingering and thinking about what had transpired, fingers tracing gently over the words on the business card Alexei had given him, he decided he had overstayed his welcome in the little coffee shop and headed towards the long walk home.
Nothing made sense, and he didn't know what to do about any of it, or if there was even anything he could do... All he knew for certain was that he couldn't wait to see Alexei again.
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