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 Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:24 pm
"Now? Nothing," Jordan said. He got up and picked a spoon out of the drawer to take the teabag out of his cup. "I've mostly stayed away after we split up again. It's awkward, and I don't think Harrison wants me around anyway. May as well honor that." He pressed his lips into a thin line, aware that the statement had come out more bitter than he'd intended. "I managed not to ******** up their relationship, they're happy together, so I'll settle for that."
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:27 pm
"You don't sound so sure of yourself." He said, watching him as he stopped moving his tea bag and held the cup in both hands. "Have you talked to Harrison?"
Settle.
The word said a lot, but it felt like a huge lie to him. If Jordan was settled, he would have looked elsewhere for company. He wouldn't be avoiding things because of Rep's jealousy.
"Are you waiting?"
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:40 pm
"Every time we talk we seem to misunderstand each other," Jordan said tiredly. "But no, we haven't talked for a while. I don't know what I'd say. Hey, so we haven't talked in months, just checking up on whether we're back on first name terms or not." He shrugged. "It would wind up being a fight. I'd make it into a fight. I don't want that."
He sipped the tea, sighed. "I'm not waiting. Waiting would imply there was something for me to go back to. There's not."
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:47 pm
"You think Rep thinks that? He got really pissed just to think a man was with you, and you aren't pursuing anyone either. Haven't since, which kinda of says something."
"I don't know the full story, but just from being here, around you, you don't come off as happy. I know because I've been trying real hard to look for it. Looking for it because I thought maybe if you were moved on and happy with being on the outside, I could do the same thing."
He held his hand up as if to stop Jordan from saying anything just yet. "Yeah, I know that's a bad expectation, but........" He lowered his hand and held the cup again, liking it more for it's seeping warmth and a occupation for his hands than as an actual beverage. "....I don't think there are too many people who would....get how it is."
"So that's why I asked. Are you waiting for an opportunity to maybe see if you can fit back in? If you think they are happy now without you, then what are you doing?"
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 4:58 pm
"I haven't moved on, I admit that." Jordan rubbed a hand over his eyes. "I haven't figured out how. It's probably kind of sad. I'm not looking partly because I don't want to and partly because it'd be unfair to date someone while I'm still so hung up. I wouldn't be giving them a fair chance on their own merits."
He gave Melvin a pained smile. "If they asked me to come back, I'd go. It's not going to happen, so I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. I'm not waiting, but I don't want anyone else, either." He looked away. "I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you."
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:01 pm
"No. I get it. I get being in a place you want back, and things not clear and clean to be cut away. It almost makes you wish everyone hated you so there was absolutely no redemption otherwise. When it hangs, when you know that other person still feels something, then it just hurts a million times more."
He took a hand to run it through his hair and smiled. "Like, I honestly had Lawr tell me he was working to see if he could break down Rodney to put me back in - and he didn't even know I wasn't interested in him. He never asked me." And then he dropped that smile and looked at Jordan. Had it been the same?
"Did.......Rep think he could do that too? Did he say he wanted you and yet picked Harrison?"
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:14 pm
Jordan grimaced. "That's rough," he said. The question made him flinch visibly. "I've known for a long time that if it came down to a choice it'd be him, not me. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt, but I knew."
He studied Melvin, sympathetic. "He never asked, huh." It wasn't the same, he told himself. The communication breakdown had been in a different direction, a different type.
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:18 pm
"At least it's a consistent choice." He said with some bitterness. Lawr changed constantly, and Rodney was just a surprise from left field that he was too oblivious to notice.
"Lawr and I didn't know what the hell we were in the end. Bad communication. Each and every time." Though, that hadn't been JUST that. "Just seemed better not to talk about it sometimes and ride whatever wave kept us moving together regardless of the direction." And that direction was far away from security and safety.
"Spent everything making that house. Getting it all in line and then not being in it."
He looked back at his tea, tugging on the tea bag string. "I don't really have a say to tell you what to do, but have you asked them if anything would ever change? Did either of them say there was a possibility of making things work out?"
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:24 pm
"I felt like Rep and I understood each other pretty well, but by the time things ended the second time it was pretty clear that Harrison and I just never spoke the same language. I mean, we were both speaking English, but we never got what the other meant, and we never really realized that until it was too late to fix what that had ******** up." He sighed. "It wasn't enough to love him, because I couldn't prove it."
He wrapped his hands around his mug. "I guess I'm glad it ended before I did get a house," he admitted.
"I haven't asked. I don't want to be told no, and I don't want to be told yes and have that hope again. That was the worst part of it, hoping again and having it smashed."
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:33 pm
"But you don't have an answer either. You're just standing here not waiting for anything because you don't want to expect anything good that might happen or know it's a hard no. You're just not letting anything happen and saying you are okay with that because you think it makes them happy like it justifies you feeling how you feel. Like, it's okay if you feel that way because at least they are happy."
He set the mug down on the counter, not trusting himself to hold something that could possibly burn him if he moved his hands too roughly.
"I'm ...guessing Rep said you couldn't be with anyone? That you should move on?" Because for one, that didn't sound like Rep. However, it also meant Jordan was left being some sort of extra that never got tagged in. "Don't think so if you say he's jealous. And you not looking either since you're in one direction."
This wasn't the answer he wanted.
He sighed and considered the situation as a whole. "Well Jordan. You are just as messed up as I am. I'd say welcome to the club but you were already in before me so ...hello Mr. President."
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:45 pm
Jordan shrugged one shoulder. "That's a pretty good summary. I'm well aware it's not a healthy coping mechanism."
"He told me he couldn't promise not to be jealous. He didn't say I couldn't be with anyone." Jordan sighed. "Maybe he should have. At least then I might have been able to feel spiteful about it. Not the best motivation either, but hell, it might be something."
He raised his mug to Melvin. "I guess it's on me to say welcome to the club, then, if I'm the president."
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:49 pm
He went back for his mug to raise it. "We should get badges. I'd say jackets but everyone on this island has those." And with that toast, he took a sip.
"Seems everyone is full of contradicting information. Get I I love you but I can't be with you. Get a Find someone, but I want to be with you. Get a Go and find someone to be happy but also I want to get you back." He shook his head.
"Really helps making decisions now a lot easier."
Speaking off...
"I...probably shouldn't be here living with you then."
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:54 pm
"Incredibly helpful," Jordan said dryly, and took a sip of tea.
He snorted. "If you want to leave, I'm not going to stop you, but Rep can ******** deal with it if it's about that. You're my friend, you've got a perfectly legitimate reason to stay here, and we're not sleeping together anyway." Half a smile. "There -- there's that spite."
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:58 pm
"Not bad." He said, smiling though he wondered if Jordan was still holding himself back.
"But I still should think about what to do with myself. Can't go living on your couch forever." He rubbed the mug's hand with his thumb as he thought. "Not fully but, I did want to work getting to be friends with him again. It's just....well, I'm just the s**t ex-friend who left him for Lawr. Kinda not the best place to also say I'm practically living on your couch. That doesn't mend anything."
"But...I do like being friends with you too."
He lifted the mug to his lips but paused before taking a sip. "Maybe just a bit longer......"
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2017 6:11 pm
"It's been nice to have someone around," Jordan admitted. "I don't mind. But like I said, when you decide you're ready to go do your own thing I won't stop you. Rep, well, he's just like that. Sometimes you have to just stand your ground on what you're doing."
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