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 Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 6:24 pm
”I’m not gonna laugh,” Caspian said, though it was fair to say that he’d been stifling said laughter for at least thirty seconds now. “Come on, don’t give me that look, everyone falls now and then. It’s ice, it’s slippery, but here you are, vertical again,” he added, gesturing grandly to Michael’s somewhat wobbly form. “Good job.”
He curled his fingers with Michael’s, knowing perfectly well that Michael was stalling but he didn’t mind so much, Caspian inching slowly closer, a slightly arrested look on his face. “No, I mean, you’re weird and I still like you,” he pointed out, lips twitching up into a slight smile. “And I’m also probably weird as s**t. It’s just, y’know. I’m not used to families like yours. Doesn’t mean I won’t try to like them, though.”
Caspian absently tugged on Michael’s fingers, an idle, unconscious gesture. He’d forgotten - or rather, he’d never really considered before - the age gap between Michael and his younger brothers. A seven year difference between himself and Chris, and a fifteen year difference between himself and Peter. And here was Caspian, stuck in the middle of that, ten years different than Michael and so incredibly conscious of it that sometimes it made him feel a little sick.
“But you’re doing the best you can now, though,” he said, Caspian’s expression serious. “I’m not saying everything is all like, you know. Sunshine and rainbows. But just because you did a few things different when you were younger doesn’t mean that you’re a bad brother, y’know. You’re a good guy. You love your brothers, I know that. And you just want to make sure they’re taken care of.”
Caspian’s gaze flickered up to Michael’s face.
“You looked out for me even when you didn’t want to be around me,” he said, a slightly rueful smile on his face. “Even when you tried to get rid of me, you were doing it ‘cause you thought it was the best path for me.”
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Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 7:37 pm
For the weird comment, Michael lifted his free hand to purposefully ruffle Caspian’s black hair, enjoying the glimpse of the colors underneath, and unable to stop his lips from twitching at the corners in amusement.
“Yeah, I suppose I still like you too, even if you’re definitely weird as s**t,” he teased softly, but his expression was still rather dour, even though he very much enjoyed being with Caspian. As hard as he knew Caspian worked to make him happy and tried to get him to smile, Michael felt as though he was constantly letting him down.
“Am I doing my best?” he wondered morosely, “I feel like I’m causing more problems than anything.” He’d run away like a coward when he had a relapse and still hasn’t seen anyone about it, and now he was dragging his youngest brother and Caspian into his life and the mess that surrounded it. Caspian especially.
Here they were, supposed to be ice skating and having a good time, and Michael continued to find ways of making it all about himself. He knew he still hadn’t really responded to Caspian’s request for him to get help, knowing that Caspian didn’t want him to feel bad anymore, but it was more complicated than just talking to someone about it. At least that was what Michael had convinced himself.
“Come on,” he gently tugged at Caspian’s hand to lead him away from the wall to slowly start making their way around the rink again. Even though he didn’t want it to be, sometimes he did still think about how it might be better if Caspian wasn’t around him. He knew that he should be over that by now, because he was serious when he’d asked Caspian to marry him, but deep down he still had that feeling he couldn’t shake.
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Posted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 6:30 pm
Caspian batted at Michael’s hand, but it was playful, not annoyed, his lips twitching up into a smile. “Yeah, well, weird as s**t goes well with weirder as s**t,” he said teasingly, indicating Michael with a point of a gloved finger. “You’re just as weird as I am, so I guess we make a pretty good pair.”
He would have stretched up to kiss him, but it was a lot harder to go up on tippytoes when one was wearing ice skates. Instead, Caspian just settled for squeezing Michael’s fingers again, making sure they were securely interlaced and studiously ignoring the curious, awkward stares they were getting from a few people skating by. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about it.
“You are doing your best,” said Caspian stubbornly, because he was Caspian, and he wasn’t about to let it go that easily, even as Michael pushed them both away from the wall. Caspian fell easily into skating beside him; but after a moment, he wriggled his hand free of Michael’s and eased back, sliding on the ice to skate behind Michael instead, hands coming to rest lightly on his hips as though to guide him.
“You’re not thinking stupid thoughts again, are you?”
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Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2017 8:39 pm
Michael could care less about any looks they were getting, but he knew that Caspian was still rather self-conscious about it. He felt bad, knowing that it affected Caspian, whether he liked to admit it or not. He knew he couldn’t stop people from staring, but he could at least help Caspian with being okay with everything. Or maybe he wouldn’t be okay, who knew. But Michael didn’t like him any less for it. He was still young and had a lot of growing and developing as a person to go.
“Careful,” Michael warned when Caspian pulled his hand free and moved to skate behind him, Michael’s immediate concern was of course the threat of falling backwards onto him. “You’re going to get hurt if I fall,” he said, trying to keep his arms out for balance, but eventually lowered one to place over Caspian’s hand on his waist.
But Caspian’s question had him hesitating, and he wished it was that easy to say “No, of course not,” to Caspian’s face.
“What kind of stupid thoughts have I had before?” he asked instead, glancing over his shoulder at him, cautious about figuring out just what Caspian thought he was thinking. There were plenty of different answers he could give, and Michael wanted to make sure he could gauge his response depending on whatever it was Caspian was thinking.
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 7:43 pm
A part of Caspian wanted to shout to the world that he was engaged to the man beside him, while the more self-conscious parts of him were still trying to comprehend that fact himself. He hated that he even had to struggle with it at all, because surely Michael was bound to think that Caspian was ashamed of him or unhappy with him, two things that weren’t true in the slightest. But Caspian had yet to even tell his own twin sister about Michael, or his mother; yet another reason why he needed to be better at all of this, for Michael’s sake.
“I’m fine,” said Caspian, smiling. “Don’t worry. You’re gonna do great, and even if you fall, I can try and catch you.”
He gave Michael’s hips a reassuring squeeze, sliding his feet across the ice and listening to the scrape of the blades across along the ground. Michael’s question made him raise his gaze, Caspian’s eyes flicking up to meet the backwards glance that was being given to him.
“That I’m better off without you,” he said bluntly. “That you’re making a mistake, asking me to marry you. That you still think I’m gonna find someone better than you, or something. Those kinds of stupid thoughts.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 9:12 am
Michael tried not to make a face as Caspian pushed them both along, feeling a little silly that this was the fastest he’d gone on the ice so far. It wasn’t his fault that he had a lot farther to fall than Caspian did. He tried to make something of an effort, if only so it didn’t seem entirely like Caspian was the one pushing him, and maybe was just hanging on.
He didn’t immediately respond to Caspian’s comments about what he thought he was thinking, figuring those were the less stressful and awkward of potentially stupid thoughts to explain. And Michael knew his head was filled with stupid thoughts sometimes.
“I’m not making a mistake in asking you to marry me,” he corrected him. “I mean it. I don’t regret my decisions I make, but… yes, sometimes I wonder if you’re doing what’s best for you, or if you’re just…”
Settling with me was what he couldn’t say, but what he was pretty sure Caspian could figure out he meant.
“You’re funny and intelligent and wonderful, and…”
Anyone would be happy to have you…
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:49 pm
He wasn’t so much as pushing Michael as guiding him, sort of. Well, there was pushing involved, but gentle pushing, Caspian slowly skating along behind Michael, hands steady on his hips. He was still ignoring everyone and everything around them, trying hard not to concentrate on anything other than Michael and the fact that they were ice skating.
Something like relief spread through him at Michael not regretting asking him to marry him, but it was short lived. Caspian let out a breath that was visible, cold, and chilly, ghosting out in the frosty rink air. Michael didn’t even really need to finish his sentence; Caspian already knew the end of it, because he knew Michael well enough by now to understand him better than anyone else.
(Or so he liked to think.)
Caspian came to a slow stop, gripping Michael’s hips to prevent him from moving forward. Carefully, he skated forward, sliding his arms around Michael’s waist until he was hugging him from behind, face pressed against Michael’s back.
“I’m not just going with the flow, if that’s what you think,” he said, voice muffled into Michael’s coat. Caspian let go, shifted back, and then skated in front of Michael again, reaching out to rest his hands on his hips again, fingers curling loosely into the belt loops of his pants as he looked up at him.
“Do you think I’m just gonna walk away because you’re not…” Caspian blew out a breath. “I dunno. Because you think that eventually I’ll find someone else? I don’t want anyone else. There’s no one like you. I don’t want there to be anyone like you.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:10 pm
At first Michael thought he was doing something wrong when they were slowed to a stop, but quickly realized it was Caspian who was slowing them down. He knew Caspian would not be happy about his answer, but he couldn’t quite lie to him, even though he knew it would be easier if he did.
He didn’t say anything as Caspian hugged him from behind, but he did lift his hands to place over Caspian’s arms, holding him in place until he pulled away. And then when Caspian skated in front of him, hands on his hips and holding onto his belt loops, Michael simply rested his hands on Caspian’s.
“I don’t know what I think anymore,” he admitted. “I know you think you know me, but…”
There were still a lot of things that Caspian didn’t know. Things that Michael didn’t really want to talk about, even if Caspian already knew some of his past and why he was messed up in the head, to an extent. At least why he was so distant from others.
“I don’t want you to regret your decision later. If this is too fast, or… if you want time to think about it. It’s not like I’m going anywhere. You’re the one for me. I want no one else,” he confessed, feeling just as guilty as he probably looked.
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:19 pm
He knew it was hard. He knew it was something that ate at both of them, a constant fear and an anxiety that this was all just too good to be true, and that other things would be better, or that they were making mistakes. But Caspian knew what he wanted; he had known what he wanted from the very first meeting with Michael, from the very first time they had met when he had teased and nagged and kept following him because he’d been curious.
Caspian’s fingers tightened on Michael’s belt loops.
“I do know you,” he said quietly. “I know that you keep things to yourself. I know that you still have s**t in your past that you won’t talk about. I know you still have things that you should probably work out, I know you, Michael. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that I’m just seeing what’s on the surface here, I haven’t ever given up on you yet, and I don’t plan to anytime soon.”
He shook his head, his hair slipping to reveal some of the bright colors under the black.
“You are all I want and that’s it. No one else. I won’t change my mind. I don’t need time.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:07 pm
It was painful to see the distress on Caspian’s face and hear the strain in his words. Michael’s chest felt tight as Caspian once again tried to convince him that this was real, that Caspian wouldn’t regret his decision to be with him, that he wouldn’t change his mind. And while he’d promised time and time again to Caspian that he had no qualms with their age difference, Michael was still keenly aware that Caspian was young and had every right to make mistakes. He just hoped Caspian wouldn’t end up seeing Michael was one of those mistakes when he looked back on his life.
He hated feeling the way he did, because he did trust Caspian, but Caspian was also very controlled by his emotions, and not as much logic. Michael wanted things to work between them because he couldn’t imagine anyone else being able to make him feel the way Caspian did. And yet here he was, questioning everything to the point where Caspian thought Michael regretted what he’d said, what he’d asked Caspian to do for him, to marry him.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” he said just as quietly, lifting his hands from where they rested against Caspian’s to place against his cheeks, holding his face still so he could lean down for a quick kiss. “I know, I know,” he mumbled, looking guilty and melancholy. “I’ll get better, I promise,” he tried to reassure Caspian, feeling as though his heart would break if Caspian continued to be distressed.
Michael knew he had to work things out, and he would, it might just take time. But he didn’t want to drag Caspian down with him if he could help it.
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:19 pm
Emotions were something that Caspian was all too familiar with - sometimes more so than his actual mind working the way it was supposed to. But he couldn’t help what he felt just as much as Michael couldn’t stop himself from thinking and feeling the way he did. It was just how it was.
He found, surprisingly, that he was more worked up about things than he should have been. Caspian took a deep breath, trying to steady himself as Michael’s hands came to a rest on his face, tilting his head up. His lips were warm in the chill air; Caspian’s eyes fluttered, his heart in his throat, and he stretched up as much as he could to lean into it, skating a minute few inches closer.
“Trust me,” Caspian mumbled, his fingers tugging at Michael’s belt loops. “Seriously. Trust me when I say that I know what I’m doing. If we’re gonna be married, you have got to learn to trust me on some level.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:41 pm
Michael tried not to physically flinch at the insinuation that Caspian did not think Michael trusted him. He was sure that wasn't what he'd meant, but it sounded that way and he couldn't deny that it hurt knowing that's what Caspian thought.
If they were going to be married hurt a little too, but it was his own fault and Michael knew it. No matter what Michael said, he already knew that Caspian would likely have a difficult time believing him. Or maybe he wasn't giving Caspian enough credit, although it was clear that Caspian still had his own self doubt about everything.
“I know,” Michael said simply again, watching Caspian's expression and hoping he would know that he was serious, but he couldn't bring himself to just say that he trusted him because saying and doing was completely different, and he wouldn't try to make excuses for himself.
“Skate with me,” he said instead, lowering his hands to take hold of Caspian’s, gently pulling at the fingers hooked onto his belt loops. That's what they were there for. They would figure something out as they went. It would take time and patience but one day they would be okay.
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:55 pm
It was hard, he thought, Caspian watching the expressions flicker across Michael’s normally stoic face. He didn’t like feeling this way, as though everything was on tenterhooks, as though they were skating on thin ice - almost literally. But getting married was a big deal, even if Caspian didn’t want it to be a big deal. It was a commitment, a lifetime connection, and he wanted desperately to make it work - except the only way to do that was to make sure that Michael understood what was happening, even if it was hard.
You know, Caspian thought. You want this, you love me, and I know you know, but you have to keep knowing and keep learning.
It wasn’t like Caspian himself was perfect; not everything was sunshine and daisies on his end, either. But it had to be a two way street, otherwise it would never work out, and they would both end up devastated in the end.
He allowed his hands to be taken, Caspian threading fingers through Michael’s, heedless of any stares that might have been given their way from Michael’s kiss and their obvious relationship. He skated a little closer, close enough that he was pressed loosely against Michael, warm and solid in front of him.
“I love you,” he said simply. “Don’t forget that.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 6:00 pm
Michael remained still while Caspian slid a few inches forward to press up against him, his own hands holding securely to Caspian’s. He knew others might be staring at them. Maybe they didn’t like the fact that they were both men, or maybe it was the obvious age difference, but Michael couldn’t bring himself to care. All he knew was that he wanted this to work between them, despite how quickly things seemed to be going.
“I know,” he said again, shaking his head lightly. “I don’t think you’d ever let me forget that, Cas.” His voice was soft but there was still some sadness there, and he wished he could just pretend as though everything was fine. But he still had his own issues, and Caspian needed to work to get over his own.
No, that wasn’t right either. They did have their own issues, but Michael knew they would only be able to overcome them if they worked through things together. The more they tried to do things on their own, the more difficult it would be.
“I love you too,” he said, giving Caspian’s hands a gentle squeeze as he carefully pushed back on his skates, attempting to skate backwards while pulling Caspian along with him. It was a slow process, but just like everything else they were working towards, it could be done together.
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