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 Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:14 pm
He thought, for a fleeting, panicking moment, that he’d finally pushed too far. That Michael was too uncomfortable with the physical contact, and as he carefully pulled Caspian’s fingers away from his shirt, they jerked a little, as though he was intending to pull them back before Michael could.
But before he could, Michael had shifted again, and then strong, familiar, gentle fingers were pressed against his wrist, Michael’s arm looped beneath his own, drawing him back. His hand encased Caspian’s, pressed it against his chest, and all the breath seemed to have gone out of Caspian as he stared at Michael, his heart beating so fast it was almost painful against his ribcage.
Ludicrously, embarrassingly, he almost felt like crying - and Caspian did not cry, had not cried in years, because he had schooled himself to let things simply run off of him. After everything that he had gone through, he had not wanted to give in to the ones who had taken away almost everything else.
And yet now…
Caspian pressed his lips together, and his cheeks were flushed pink, his throat dry. Tentatively, he curled his fingers a little more securely around Michael’s, lashes fluttering as wide blue eyes stared wordlessly at the man beside him, and for once, there were no sarcastic remarks, no teasing comments that came to mind.
You’re too good for someone like me, but I still don’t want to let you go.
A low, startled laugh escaped him, a hiccup that was a barely suppressed something else that might have been a sob, and Caspian shifted onto his side, twisting away so that his back was to Michael, though his hand was bent behind him, still holding on as Caspian pressed his face into his other arm.
“Don’t look at me,” he mumbled, voice muffled, hating that he was getting this emotional over something as silly as being told he had someone to rely on.
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:36 pm
Michael was fairly certain this was one of the very few times in his life that he could swear fairly confidently that his heart broke. He felt breathless, helpless, as he watched Caspian. First, the way his blue eyes widened, and then the way he twisted away to hide his face. Michael wondered if he was blushing, but it was difficult to see in the dim light.
He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d said to elicit such a reaction from Caspian, but his chest ached, and he wished he could do something to reassure him and make him feel better.
Naturally, Michael was at a complete loss for words. He thought he should say something… nice? Something that was considered sensitive? He wasn’t sure. But he knew that Caspian was pushed to the point where he couldn’t even look at him.
His hand tightened, holding Caspian’s to his chest as he desperately tried to think of something to say. In the end, he couldn’t force himself to say anything. Instead, he shifted, still on his side but moving the arm under his head enough to be able to reach out and place against the top of Caspian’s head, gently pressing his fingers against his scalp to try and calm him down.
All he wanted was for Caspian to realize he wasn’t alone. It was a strange feeling for Michael, but there was a lot more Caspian must have gone through than he realized.
“Don’t be silly,” he said softly, not thinking there was anything wrong with Caspian showing emotions beyond his normal facade. “How am I supposed to know what to do for you if I can’t see you?” he tried, wondering how he must sound. Did he sound like he was trying too hard? Or was he being too pushy? He knew he wasn’t very good at this… friend thing, so… hopefully he wasn’t screwing up too bad.
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:43 pm
It was a slightly awkward position, his arm bent the way it was, with Caspian facing away; but he had not quite been able to let go of Michael’s hand even if he had also not wanted to let him see what expression he was making. He felt both stupid and childish, his long buried emotions beginning to show through the cracks of the foundation he’d tried so hard to keep built.
Michael’s hand was stroking his head now too, fingers tangling in his hair, pressing soothingly against his scalp. A shuddering breath escaped Caspian, and he let out a helpless laugh, shaking his head, his face still pressed into his own arm.
Thin fingers tightened against Michael’s. Caspian’s face felt slightly damp, galling him, even as Michael’s soft, gentle, reassuring words were drifting over him.
“I just - told you - “ Caspian mumbled. “ - that I didn’t...want you to think of me as a kid, and here I am - “
He broke off, biting his lip again, trying to calm down, focusing on the feel of Michael’s hands.
“Sorry,” he said, after a long moment. “Sorry, Michael, I’m just...not used to..this.”
To someone other than my family caring. To having a friend.
Another moment passed, and then he said, in a voice barely audible,
“Don’t go anywhere.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 1:04 pm
If Michael wasn’t sure that his heart had already broken over this sad, lonely young man, he was definitely sure now. Sympathy wasn’t a new emotion for him, but this was beyond just feeling bad for someone. It felt as though his whole body ached, wanting to do something… anything… to make Caspian feel better.
“What did I say about you not giving up on me so quickly, Cas…” he said, his voice quiet, pained, his throat too tight to speak as clearly as he would have liked. He could hear, more clearly than before, the sadness in Caspian’s voice.
How had he missed that? He knew there was more to Caspian than the confidence he showed off to everyone, himself included. He knew there was more beyond the sarcasm and jokes and rushing headfirst into danger. How was it that it took Michael this long to realize just how similar he and Caspian really were? No, they didn’t have the same background, and no, they didn’t cope with their emotions the same way, but it was still… still so similar. Where Michael closed himself and pushed people away, Caspian welcomed others with open arms and smiles and bravado.
It was because Michael was so caught up with himself that he never realized…
Understanding the irony of what he was doing, Michael gave Caspian’s hand a tight squeeze before pulling himself away so he hopefully wouldn't be too upset, untangling their arms so he could push himself up onto his knees. He reached for the other blanket that he’d brought up with him, and shook it out. With one sweeping motion, he managed to get the blanket over top of where Caspian was lying down. It was getting cooler out, and he was sure that, even with long sleeves and pants, it would probably get to the point where Caspian started shivering soon.
Carefully, he reached over top of Caspian to poke at the blanket, making sure it was tucked in underneath him just a bit, before settling down, himself. He laid on his stomach too, an arm reaching out to place over top of Caspian, giving his back a few, hopefully comforting, rubs.
“Haven’t you heard?” he asked, trying to keep his voice light, despite the tightness in his throat. It suddenly made so much more sense, what Caspian had said to him the night he was attacked and injured and made drunk.
Don’t go anywhere.
“You’re already stuck with me.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 1:13 pm
The loneliness ached.
It ate away at him, sometimes, when it was late and he had no one to talk to. He had Cassie, of course, and she was invaluable to him - but it wasn’t the same. There were no best friends that he could call, no one that would have cared if he’d been lying in the hospital, and that was at least part of the reason why he was so adamantly against going. Cassie would visit, and his mother if he told her, but no one else. There’d be no cards or well-wishing, or balloons, or tacky get well soon notes.
There never had been.
Maybe that was why he’d been so desperate to hold onto Michael when he’d met him. He’d stupidly clung onto the false, pathetic strings of his “friendships” in school, as though somehow through sheer stubbornness, he could turn them into realities. But he’d known, somewhere in his head, that it would never happen. They would never see him differently.
But Michael…
Michael had been different. Michael had pushed him away, done everything to build walls, and yet Caspian had resisted all attempts at severing the fragile bonds between them, and maybe that was it. Maybe that sort of desperation was ridiculous, maybe he had just convinced himself in his head that if he just tried hard enough, he could have an actual friendship with someone outside of his immediate family.
And he was slowly, steadily coming to rely on Michael enough - too much - that it left him almost breathless.
The sudden loss of Michael’s hand made Caspian’ breath catch in his throat, the panic rising again - but a second later, there was a rustling sound and then a blanket was dropped over him, Michael tucking it around him. Caspian’s eyes were wide and startled, and as Michael lay down beside him again, a heavy, comforting arm was draped across his back as Michael soothingly smoothed his hand up and down his tensed shoulders.
He couldn’t breathe. The universe around him was spinning, and Caspian was lost in it, in this singular place, in this moment in time, when it was just the two of them, and -
-it terrified him.
He didn’t want to lose this: Michael, this feeling, the idea that someone cared about him enough to watch out for him. The genuine, untainted give and take of a friendship that was not based around lies or deceptions, but a pure and wholly untouched warmth and a desire to support and encourage.
The feeling lodged in his throat. Caspian blinked rapidly, and then the tension gusted out of his shoulder as though he’d finally just let go of it all. He pressed his face into his arms, his face slightly damp, and felt exhausted and tired and so very warm all at once.
A rueful laugh escaped him, muffled.
“Good,” said Caspian, his voice soft. “That’s...very good.”
There was a long moment of silence and then he said, barely audible,
“Thank you, Michael.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 1:27 pm
There was something strangely, almost hauntingly mesmerizing about the way the light from the moon and stars glistened in Caspian's black hair as he laid with his face hidden in his arms, desperately trying to hide what he thought would be viewed as weakness or childishness. Michael could feel the tension in Caspian's shoulders relax as he rubbed at his back, small tremors that Caspian probably wasn't even aware of with each breath he took, each word he spoke, trying so hard to hide the tears that Michael didn't have to see to know they were there.
Michael could feel his breath catch in his throat, his chest too tight, his mind spinning as if he was suddenly drunk. It was clear that Caspian trusted him enough to let Michael see him in this incredibly vulnerable, shy state.
But it wasn't only that; Michael also realized how incredibly handsome, dare he say beautiful?, Caspian was.
It was as though Michael was truly seeing him for the first time. Pure and broken and lost. Someone Michael realized he desperately wanted to protect and keep safe from not just physical harm, but from that painful loneliness as well.
Michael was also very aware of the heat in his own face, and how uncomfortable he felt just lying there, staring, much, much too close to Caspian and wondering if he should probably put some more space between them before Caspian realized how strangely Michael was sure he was behaving.
He cleared his throat, as if to force his own thoughts to shift from where they currently were, his hand and fingers tensing, gripping just lightly against Caspian's back. It was an unconscious movement and as soon as he realized what he was doing, he relaxed his hand.
"Yeah..." he said lamely, although in his defense his thoughts were a little scrambled at the moment. "You're welcome, Cas..." he mumbled back, shifting so he could turn his head away from Caspian before he looked up and saw Michael staring, resting his chin on his free arm.
What the hell was he getting himself into...?
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