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 Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:20 pm
He listened to what Melvin had to say with a blank expression and sighed. "If you were boring I would have had you leave a long time ago. If my interests were fickle I would not be sharing a bed with you, I would not let you close to me. There are no better people, this is what there is Melvin, choices made for reasons which you can either choose to believe or doubt until they are destroyed"
He shook his head subtly. "Horace chose to demand validation until I had to get rid of him, there was too much doubting logical facts which I could not explain. I trust Rodney and you at the moment as things are. If you begin to doubt me or my commitment, if you demand me to prove things I am not emotionally equipped to prove, then you may lose me."
He pulled his arms up close to his chest. "You have not harmed me, simply stuck by my side. You chose me over Rin, you did not need to do that."
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Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 7:31 pm
"You would have had me leave?" He quoted, looking up at him with a raised brow, wet hair hanging over his face. While he wanted to joke that it would be hard, if Jan wanted it, he didn't know what he could do against it. Jan operated on another level, on another set of principles and functions, that expecting certain things was just wrong. Melvin should have know better, and at least knew enough to know what he was getting into.
"I'm not saying you have to prove anything to me. I just - want to know. I didn't know you were with Horace. I was surprised. Hell, I wasn't sure Horace was even still wanting to talk to you ...at first." Groaning, he rolled on his back and draped a arm over his face. "I thought you were pissed. I thought you were done."
He went quiet as he just took in that feeling again.
"I don't want to loose you. I don't want you to go. When you were suddenly with Horace, I wondered what you were doing with him. What it all meant. If you wanted to go away or not. If I even had a right to ask you to stay. Just because I picked you over Rin doesn't mean the same for you. It's not like the other way around. We never once said that. I never once expected that. You don't owe me that. I owe you a lot more."
"I talked to Horace. I told him that....whatever makes you happy is what is best. If you don't know what happiness is, if being in a relationship is to make the other person happy and feel safe, and I don't know what I can do to do any of there. I don't make anyone......" His voice broke as he went quiet. After a moment, his shoulders shook.
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 1:03 pm
Lawrence was lost in the chaotic swirl of Melvin's emotions, without a rudder or guide on what the other man could be feeling or what he should be feeling to make him relax and calm down. His mind was whirring a hundred miles a minute but externally he seemed entirely relaxed.
"I thought that the note would be enough. I didn't think much of it, you seem reasonable all the time. I wanted to sleep with him, I was feeling frankly rather irritated at myself and being cruel to him seemed like a satisfying thing to do. I do what I want and I rarely consider how it might impact other people. It is all so complicated Melvin. Other people's feelings are like cobwebs clinging to the direct pristine clarity of my needs and wants. I thought you were beyond them, a pristine thing also, free from those cobwebs and able to comprehend that I enjoy you, even if I also enjoy other things." he sighed.
"Horace is not you, he does not share my bed, I cannot even be around him for long without wanting to hurt him and possibly kill him for his defiance and rudeness. I had no intention of leaving you and nor was I "done"."
It was like finding out that the pet he had thought was a cat all along was actually a dog. "I don't pretend to know what happiness is either but nor do I consider it that you owe me anything other than the pledge you made to help me if I let you."
This time when Melvin broke down, Lawrence didn't reach out, already certain he would have a bruise on his head and not about to earn another.
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 1:19 pm
His arm slid back to rest above his head as he looked at the ceiling, the ocean blues of his eyes swirling with the lingering tears as he listened to Jan. The simplicity of the way he broke down how he thought and reacted to Horace and him was almost soothing, the tone even and genuine. Honest. It helped him calm down, but it didn't leave him feeling just as confused at the state that Jan lived in. "Most people would consider you being the focal point to these cobwebs as selfish." He pointed out. "Maybe you should consider them less like the clinging threads of insects getting on your pristine self and more like hands wanting to hold you or lift you up. Not dust on a Ming vase but hands to the sun."
He sat up, wiping a hand over his face and breathing out. He wanted to feel bad for how Jan was treating Horace but the man already said he knew the real Jan. So shouldn't he expect the treatment. "Does Horace think he will eventually get you to move in with him?"
He stared down. "The a*****e got mad I didn't come to him first to tell him how I felt about you. That I slept with you while he still had feelings for you. Now he is just doing the same thing. I wonder what's even going through his mind now."
He wiped an eye dry again.
"I'm not pristine, Jan. I care a lot about what people feel and think sometimes. I care a lot about you. What you think. What you say. What you do. I'm still trying to navigate the world you live in. A place where you say you don't feel. To understand that while trying to remind myself to not hold you to my or other people's way of doing things. To push you like people pushed me."
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 2:35 pm
"Most people consider me selfish." he said. "And they are probably correct. There is something inherently selfish in someone who is empathy challenged." The suggestion to redefine how he saw other peoples emotions was noted but about as effective as every other suggestion he had ever run into.
"I don't think so." he said. "I think that he was just using me, I was there, he wanted sex, he got it and he paid for it, I didn't lose anything from the deal. I didn't want you to get upset, certainly." He hadn't even considered for a second the potential hypocrisy of Horace sleeping with him after being angry at Melvin. "Perhaps he just ceased to care or maybe the blue balls were too excessive for him and he wanted a bit of degradation, I am hardly qualified to tell."
Melvin got a sidelong look. "I can't imagine why you would care about me or what I say, it is a dangerous place to be in. You already have been hurt quite a lot by it. I am glad you do, but is it worth it? What do you get out of it?"
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 3:38 pm
Jan's guess was as good as his as to why Horace had done what he did, or would continue to do what he did. "I still feel there is more too it than that with Horace, but I guess you'd know a bit more than I do at this point." He said as he ran a hand through his now luke-warm hair. The blankets were going to be damp after this.
"I can't start to understand you unless I listen to what you say, think about it, and try to understand it. I love you, and a part of me hoping that one day you might feel how that is like is to getting to know you better. When you love someone, you sometimes hurt them, and they sometimes hurt you, but in the end you want what is best for them, to make them happy, and ....do this dance of putting theirs and your needs at the forefront. You want to protect them..." The mattress jostled as he turned to his side, placing a hand between Jan's legs as he moved up. "...to be near them. To know their hopes and dreams. Their desires and fears. To feel as if you could even barely get to know the full scope of them - because in the end...."
He moved up, and brought his lips up to his, pressing softly against them. "...you want to be as close as you can ever hope to achieve." His eyes searched into Jan's for a long moment. "So...I care a lot about you because I love you."
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:50 pm
Lawrence shrugged. "I couldn't say, it is complicated and beyond my comprehension. I do not even understand why he let me sleep with him again. I primarily just take what opportunities present themselves."
He was attentive and listening however as the other man talked, still not in a position to any extent where he considered putting anyone else's needs before his own. But at the very least he had learned to put Melvin's needs close to his own.
Close to Melvin again, he leaned into the other man's warmth instinctually.
"I do want to be close and I do want to know. That much is true." It was just that his particular idea of closeness sometimes involved a little more literal searching in other people than was socially appropriate.
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:57 pm
He moved to kiss his lip again, and then leaned in to kiss his cheek moving in small steps before he reached up to touch Jan's head gentle again and sat a moment. "Just........shut up about you and Horace sleeping right now. It's stressing me out." He said. "...and I don't have anyone who pays for my vacations to fix that."
To this he played with Jan's hair a moment before looking back at him. "Then that's all I can ask. That.....and maybe call me next time you wander off. I don't like little notes." He warned, his teeth gritting near the end before he leaned back. "Are you ok? On the head and everything else?"
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 5:21 pm
The kisses were welcomed warmly and returned when it was possible to do so. "All right." he said "Sorry. I did not want to heap more stress upon you, but neither did or do I want to lie to you." There was a moment where he considered paying for a vacation for them both to help with the aforementioned stress, but this didn't endure long, dismissed as soon as it had come. Generosity didn't last very long in the hostile atmosphere of Lawr's mind.
"And all right, I will call you instead of leaving a note, that I can do. And augh, I am going to have a bruise, that is my physical state. The rest of me.. well. I have put on a small amount of weight, miniscule but present. I am perhaps not doing so well in mood or mind, but who really is?"
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 5:40 pm
"I don't think it's possible now at this point to do that." He looked down, pulling away a towel to really take Jan in. It became apparent he hadn't removed the towel to see any visible weight gain.
"At least you seem to be better at staying on your feet.....though no thanks to me." He reached to continue petting the back of Jan's head very lightly as to not cause him too much discomfort. "I thought I cracked your head open. We really need to get something for that shower floor."
Leaning back in, he pressed another kiss in, holding the back of Jan's head to deliver it before parting. "I'm going to finish my shower, and maybe we can help each other with our moods.I do have to come back here for a towel after all." He kissed him once more, before pulling back and moving off the bed.
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 5:51 pm
Nudity was an awkward situation for Lawrence lately, normally completely indifferent to it and inclined towards indifference by nature it had become somehow emblematic lately of some sort of loss of control he could not properly understand. Even under Melvin's attention he crossed his arms across his chest as if doing so could set aside the visibility of his ribs.
Focusing on the conversation instead, Melvin just got a Look for his comment about staying on his feet. "Yes, a mat would be excellent."
He wasn't actually keen on breaking the kiss at all but relented because resisting would mean having to get up from where he was reclining on the damp bed. There was a certain inertia to places he'd been sitting in long enough to get warm and this was one of those places.
Again there was the temptation to follow Melvin into the shower but this time he absolutely did not, just a little concerned that the other man would kill him somehow with kindness if he did. He could feel a migraine on the edge of his senses.
"Don't take all night." he said, and it with with an edge of playfulness.
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 6:01 pm
"I won't. I'd rather spend all night with you." He said, moving to the bathroom and stepping inside, leaving the door open. Not long after the water started again, and Melvin set to clean to the minimum of what would make him overall feel better.
It was average for most people taking a shower, but a lot shower in time for Melvin's usual routine, and he came more relieved and feeling far more able to deal with what little he could and moved back into the bed, deciding he didn't much care for how damp it would be. It was all clean water anyways.
His next act was to take each towel, one by one, and let them drop to the ground (he'd clean them later that was for certain,) and move back over to Jan.
"I missed you."
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Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 12:36 pm
Lawrence just quietly waited for Melvin to return, trying to ignore the nagging ache behind his eyes from hitting his head. It had stirred up Butch and the weapon talked and talked to himself about nothing, only making the irritation worse.
When the other man came back, he brightened again. "I missed you too." he said. "I didn't know what to do when I returned and you weren't here. I'm glad to have you back."
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Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 4:12 pm
He froze a moment at mention of returning. "I...just needed to get away. I wish I didn't. Things....didn't go well." Which was the hugest understatement, but he didn't want to think about it. He already thought about it and he was about to sink too much into the pit of his mind and loose this moment all together. He needed this. This reminder of life. This reminder he had something. This reminder to go on. If not, then what happened during the mission would push him too far.
He wanted to be lost most of all.
He wrapped his arms about him and deeply pressed into the kiss. "I want to show you how much I missed you. I want to kiss little reminders on you."
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