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 Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:59 am
"I lie because, as I've told you before, there is no truth. There is no understanding or comprehension of what I am. When I look into the heart of me I see nothing but shifting nebulous cold. I have to assume things by drawing logical conclusions about the mass of complexes which are my inner workings."
He shrugged. "When I logically assess what I gave you in the relationship it seems to me that I was clear in my intentions. I attended to you as best I could and dealt with any number of innate aversions built into my nature. Touch, for a start. I restrained myself in terms of partners also, for as long as I could. I tried to be everything you could want to the detriment of my own self. I gave you information and stories which had been told to no one before you, what few truths I had."
Walking his long slender fingers across the sheets idly he went on. "And what did you give me? Love you say, but what is love to someone who does not understand it? You stood up for me in the face of derision on twitter, there was that, and I did not forget it. You defended me often. But what about how you approached me? When did you indulge in my hobbies or even show the slightest inclination to understand what those hobbies were other than anecdotes? When did you really truly try to help me find myself? Never. You didn't want to know who I was, and when towards the end of it all you said you wanted to know me, you acted like I was a burden and a trap when you saw what I was capable of. I will not forget either the way you look at me when you talk about America, as if I am willfully and malevolently doing it to you out of spite, as if I would choose to be drawn to a woman who could not care less about me, who looks at me like I am not human at all and who would see me die with less pain than one watches a snowflake melt on a windowsill."
He shook his head. "You forced me to act human and weren't willing to help me seek out that humanity if it existed inside the shell. You used me for the shell, you used me for the imitation of a happy relationship, the leisure to have everything you wanted, to braid my hair and have me say I loved you. But when I sought for the meaning of those words and tried to stand on my own two feet to mean them, well that was too much wasn't it? Trying to compromise with who I was and what you wanted was too much."
Looking from his hand back to Horace he sighed. "You wanted to fix me easily, to remove the part of me that hunted America by sheer force, by trying to make me kneel, by taking my possessions for my own good, the shoes for instance. It was how a parent treats a stupid child and you offended me, you belittled me. I took your freedom away only once and it was in the cave by the sea, to let you see how it felt. You did not understand why you were there, or if you were awake or not, it was all pain and drowsiness and the question if there was love or had ever been love."
He smirked. "I wanted to know myself. That is all. You wanted to be number one. Which of us was the selfish one?"
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 11:53 am
Horace could have tried, could have pointed out all the ways he'd tried. But maybe it hadn't been enough... he had only wanted Lawrence to try, too. His mind whirled unhappily and his hand remained clenched.
Lawrence was right; Horace never understood anything. He inhaled, a deep, shaking breath, and turned around to leave the room.
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 11:58 am
Lawrence was half tempted to try and stop him, but rapidly realised that even if he did, he was not going to manage anything but to upset Horace even more.
"I suppose I will see you later."
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 12:01 pm
Horace flinched when Lawrence spoke. "Maybe not," he muttered, and left.
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 12:02 pm
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