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 Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:52 am
He couldn't help but back up a little as Rasiel fell to his knees, though a flurry of worry made him shuffle forward a few steps, brows knitting together with concern. Was he okay? Had he said it wrong? He swallowed, nervousness threatening to choke the air out of him- "I--" He had to repeat himself, Rasiel hadn't heard him correctly... had he? No, he seemed to... he just didn't believe it.
You've lost your touch.
Your lying skills aren't what they used to be~
Or is it that you can't lie to him?
He fidgeted, coming within arms reach of Rasiel but no closer - he was still too nervous, too fidgety to do so. "I love... you..." He repeated the words, quietly, carefully... guarding his words carefully to make sure that his tone was the correct one. Sincere.
He glanced around - never set foot in this house again - did... that mean that he lived here now? "I-... ...I won't... ask that of you... to stop that-- I just... With me, if.. if you want to really speak with me, you.. you need to be you." He shook his head a little. "I can't.. share, things....with him. He's not real....... but you are..." He hoped he was making sense - desperately so.
"I'm sorry..." He chewed at his lip, anxiety rising that he'd requested too much - too soon - completely out of line.
For what?
For existing...
G o o d.
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 2:22 am
Rasiel had heard it right, the words he had longed to hear for ages past. Was this okay? Was this even allowed to happen?
You don't deserve this.
He's lying to you
Deskri broke up with you a long time ago
Accept it.
He shifted his mournful red eyes to look at Deskri. Was this real? He desperately wanted to reach out and touch him, to make sure that Deskri was real. "... it's been so long that I had forgotten how.... to be myself."
'No, this isn't you. The real you is a cold blooded killer'
"But I will try. I will do anything... to prove to you that I can be better..."
Empty promises.
He's not real... But you are. He bit his lip really hard, fighting back the urge to cry, he needed to hear that so badly. Coming from Deskri it meant so much more.
And here he is, picking up the pieces again
Just like I said he world.
He closed his eyes, "Don't be sorry... It's not your fault. I understand you completely."
He slowly came to a stand, pushing himself to rise to his feet. He reached out to Deskri, trying to be careful and calm, though his face showed his pain easily. "...I love you, Deskri... I always have... Not Rhun... me." he confessed, leaning in to kiss him softly, he couldn't help himself but to show his affection. It took enough of his energy to resist embracing Deskri, remembering how poorly that happened earlier. Deskri hadn't resisted his passionate kiss earlier, so he assumed this little bit would be okay, trying his best to be gentle.
"I'll always be here, as long as you'll let me keep fighting for you."
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 12:37 pm
He watched him closely, examining his every move - every small change in body language that might suggest aggression. He hated that he was doing this - that he needed to do this - but he'd long since learned that even people who seemed remorseful could change their mind in a split second. Rasiel had already proven himself to be a loose cannon with his anger - he wasn't going to let anything happen in case he suddenly switched again.
"That's.... why I don't want to talk to Rhun." He murmured in response, eyes averting to the ground for a moment until Rasiel spoke again. More promises. More lies.
He's not lying -he's going to try
Why should you believe him?
How many of them promised to do well by you?
How many of them said they wouldn't hurt you?
Wouldn't use you?
Wouldn't s e l l you?
Deskri rubbed at his head, emitting a soft sound. His head hurt. He just wanted them to shut up... Rasiel was coming closer- leaning in to kiss him -- he pulled his hands away to accept it, this was what he was supposed to do, right?
That's it.
Let him do what he pleases.
"You--.....you don't have to fight for me, Rasiel..." He was tired of fighting. Tired of struggling to survive.. Just tired in general. He eyed Rasiel now that he was up close - judging the distance between the two of them and how likely he was to get carried away... Hesitantly he placed his hands on his shoulders, then leaned up to kiss him again - softly, barely there - how long had it been since he initiated something like this?
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:04 pm
Rasiel had stared into Deskri's eyes with so much pain but also with a hard look of earnestness. Whether his words were lies or empty promises, it was obvious that Rasiel believed these things himself with every fiber of his being. He desperately wanted to prove himself, if not to the world, then at least to Deskri. If he could at least manage that. His eyebrows ruffled within a somber expression. "You won't have to talk to Rhun. I'm right here."
But for how long?
Deskri had permitted the kiss, as Rasiel looked deep into his eyes, his own eyes filling with passion, though restrained. Deskri spoke out, "I don't have to... but I will." His eyes softened, "I always will." Rasiel's eyes glanced to the hand that Deskri put on his shoulder then back to Deskri as he leaned up to kiss him. His heartbeat quicken, he wanted more, so much more. He leaned slightly, hesitated, then kissed Deskri passionately, embracing him with both arms, trying not to pull him to tight, in the assumption that he wanted this to. His mind was buzzing loudly now from the disassociation questioning whether this was still even real. But god, he hoped it was.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:11 pm
"I'm tired... of fighting..." He spoke quietly, still pressed up against him, despite every fiber of his being screaming to get away. This was going to end badly - hadn't it before? Memories of gentle moments turning into violence flashed before his mind, though the kiss drew him back out of them again. Something to focus on - something to cling to - he returned it as he wrapped his arms around Rasiel's neck, anchoring himself into reality once again.
You've made a terrible mistake.
But you said--
You should know better than to listen to me~
He pulled away to breathe, eyeing Rasiel for a moment before he shifted to nuzzle his face into his neck. "You asked... he asked... if I was scared..." He spoke quietly, muffled from his positioning but it was what felt most comfortable - most safe and at home... He needed to address this - needed to tell Rasiel exactly what those outbursts meant to his psyche before they got worse.
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:25 pm
"... You don't have to fight anymore. It's okay." he spoke softly, his face still filled with concern but also of compassion as he held Deskri. "...I know... how tiring it is... to keep fighting... But sometimes you need someone... to fight for you.. even for just a little while." his voice was cracking, tears fighting to appear as he tried his best to push his sadness back down just enough to bear. "..I'd gladly fight for both of us... because you're worth that strain." he muttered, now realizing what the silence between them had caused. He didn't want to stay silent anymore. He felt Deskri's arms wrap around his neck, a feeling that felt so right. He listened closely, watching Deskri closely, trying desperately to connect with him again like they had in their childhood. He wanted that again so badly it hurt.
You are setting yourself up, and it's going to be elegant as you fall once again. It's only a matter of time.
"...are you?..." he choked back lightly, terrified of the answer. What if he was, there wasn't much he could do to stop that especially after all that had happened. He hoped the answer was no, but he had a sinking feeling of what the answer really was.
"..........are you scared of me?..."
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:41 pm
"No I..." He sighed, trying to think of a way to explain this general exhaustion with the world. "I--... I'm tired of it all... of me fighting.. of you fighting.. of everyone fighting... I just... I want it to stop..." He nuzzled into the side of his head a little, hoping Rasiel would understand what he meant. Couldn't they just exist? Just live here and forget the world existed for a while?
The question was one he figured was coming - but he didn't want to answer it like that. It wasn't really Rasiel that he was scared of. It was the rage - the anger - the looseness of how it was handled.. "Not... you." He lifted his head, positioning his own so that he could make eye-contact with him.
"Rasiel.... you must... understand that - I haven't had a good place - safe place - to stay since this place closed... And... a lot of those places were filled with violence.... or... anger and-- it's not... you. It's the anger. It scares me - it makes me think of those places I've been in and I can't-- I don't want to remember... I just want to exist... quietly." He hoped this made sense - that it wouldn't make him lash out. Already he was beginning to shake with the crippling fear that came with opening up on this topic--
Last time they took advantage~
He'll do it too.
Just watch.
You're not safe here.
"Please-- ... please understand..."
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 3:21 pm
Rasiel nodded, he was right, all the fighting tore them down a lot of the years, even when they were kids. Fighting is what got them in this situation in the first place. It started with the Malices, he was sure of it, as the rage was trying to ignite within him over Kagyaku and Obscurite. Those two had done so much damage to their fragile minds and this was the broken mess of the aftermath of that time. He was tensing up a bit, the anger trying to poke and prod at his psyche. But as he listened to Deskri speak vaguely about his experiences in the time they had been apart, he started to let go of his anger, replacing it with a sense of dread and sadness. He never wanted anything of this to happen.
That rage will never leave you. He will always be afraid of you.
He nodded slowly, squeezing him a little tighter, he both knew how that felt and had no idea all at the same time. He thought about opening up, about the things he'd done. He wanted to but even the thought of saying aloud the things he had experiences made the anger prod once again. He exhaled deeply as he tried to relax. "I understand..." he tried to pick his words carefully. "I cannot control that side of me anymore, because... it's not mine to have. I spent a lot of time at the will of that anger. It was only through being Rhun that I could even try to control it. I'm sorry Deskri, I want to tell you that I can just switch it off and be better, but I figured... honesty was the best choice..." his voice trailed off, ashamed at his own words, his head hanging slightly in humiliation and guilt.
"I wish... that we didn't have to fight. I'm tired too. But... I'm scared..." he choked back a little. "I'm scared if I don't fight this anger within me.... that I'll hurt you... then I'd never be able to forgive myself." He embraced him, never wanting to let go of this moment. "I couldn't bear to lose you again. Especially, not to my wrath." he muttered, remembering all the times he failed to save him in Obscurite's illusions, all the time Obscurite had made him hurt, even kill, Deskri in an uncontrollable fit of rage. He moved his hand up behind Deskri's head, the other moving to the small of his back as he held him closely, "...i'll do anything..." he whispered, struggling with the lump in his throat as he swallowed hard.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 4:22 pm
The tensing made him nervous, but he remained where he was, forcing himself to trust that Rasiel would not hurt him - not if he could help it. A stupid choice. He brushed the voice away, chewing at his lip as he listened to what Rasiel had to say... He couldn't control it... Not anymore? He didn't understand - not really - his own anger had become so easily bottled up and ignored. Often times he was simply too exhausted to be angry - even when everything said he ought to be.
"Honesty is the best choice..." He mumbled in response, mind still running over the possibilities of rage that Rasiel could not control - or was it that he didn't want to control it? He wouldn't ask - lest it be a trigger for the anger. "Maybe...... maybe we could... work on that..." He suggested, careful in how he worded it. Fighting was just going to make it worse - getting angry at oneself for being angry just made it worse.
"Sometimes...... fighting it just makes it worse.....I-.. I know, it sounds like... I'm saying to accept it but-- I'm not I just..." He sighed, not really sure what he was trying to say... It wasn't like he'd ever tried to release his own anger - he was still a bomb just waiting to go off - waiting for the final moment, the one spark... "...I guess I'm not really someone that should speak... On this topic."
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 5:42 pm
'If that will make you stay..'
It won't.
'I'll still keep trying.'
A means to an end.
He took in a deep controlled breath, his exhale quivering upon its release. Even though he had been bestowed this anger almost fiteen years ago, he still had never learned how to control it. Mostly since Obscurite had a tight grasp of that flame within him and controlled it easily to do his bidding. He had only spent a few years unrestrained before he became Rhun, shoving all his emotions behind a mask in hopes that he could hide himself from the world.
He nodded slowly, "...I'd like that..." he replied softly, a memory of someone else fleeting through his mind as he closed his eyes, refusing to let go.
He didn't understand that last part. "...most times i felt nothing at all. the anger never burned as hot, but then I saw you again and all those feelings of wanting to protect you, to being with you..... to love you came rushing back..." he admitted, trying not to go into detail too much, his memories of Obscurite being the most painful he'd lived through.
"...maybe... we can.... work through this... together..." he offered weakly. He knew that Deskri had things he had to work through just as he did. Rasiel placed his forehead against Deskri's gently, his eyes still closed.
"You know... when you're this close... I don't feel so angry anymore..."
But you will.
"... only a strong want to stay close to you forever."
And yet you never will.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 9:03 pm
He leaned his head back against Rasiel's, closing his eyes as well to just... feel this moment- though it was hard to force down the barbed walls he'd built around himself. He'd made the anger worse...his heart sank, deep into the pit of his stomach - already he felt like withdrawing - leaving, making it so Rasiel didn't have as much trouble to deal with.
I told you that you didn't belong here~
You're going to ******** it all up.
And just you wait
until the finale~
He gripped Rasiel a little tighter, desperately trying to anchor himself back into reality before the ghost of Kagyaku could bring him out. "I didn't... mean to make it worse.." He knew that Rasiel would insist that he hadn't, but there wasn't really any arguing with that point. If it had been manageable before, but wasn't now, clearly he'd ******** up.
"Maybe... I don't know how to let it out - my anger doesn't know how to come out..." It was a lie - sort of - he knew how to, but he didn't want to. Didn't want to become one of them. All of those suggestions to just let it out on inanimate objects weren't good enough for him... what if they weren't good enough for it, either? What if he turned to people? No.. He'd rather stop existing than resort to that.
"Then... lets stay together this time... It's safer in numbers."
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 9:43 pm
Rasiel was having trouble fighting back his tears as he simply held Deskri. They needed each other in this moment. Both broken, both trying desperately to pick up the pieces. Something that seemed to always bring them closer together.
"If not now, then when... it was only a matter of time. It's always been there... the anger. It just needed a source...." he tried to think, the static being in a constant state of trying to cloud his mind now. "My feelings about you are so strong that it insights something in me... part of me... wants it... to use it to hurt those that hurt you..." he spoke honestly, trying to better explain it so Deskri didn't feel so much at fault. He wanted to work through it all.
"It's only so long when pressure builds up that it finally explodes..." he opened his eyes and looked across the room. "I want to learn how to turn those feelings back into affection rather than taking it out in anger." The concept wasn't foreign, he'd always done that before since he'd been a bit hot-tempered growing up, but he knew these outbursts were the work of Obscurite's gift.
".... if you need to let it out... maybe... i don't know... maybe, i can handle it?.." his words sounded unsure. He didn't know to what extent Deskri's anger came out. If it was physically, he'd probably have no problem tolerating it. But words stung deeper than any cut. And Deskri always somehow found a way to press buttons he never knew he had. Rasiel didn't know if he could control his own anger if Deskri prodded in all the wrong ways, evidence in his memory of times they had fought, getting under each other's skin every now and again. This would surely be different, however, they weren't teenagers anymore.
Together. He liked that word, especially when it included Deskri. He kept his hold snug on the smaller Meta, "I'll stay with you." he managed to muster the will to say, nodding a bit. He closed his eyes, concentrating on the warmth of Deskri, his heartbeat, everything he had longed for since they were kids.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 9:55 pm
"I don't want that." He shifted a little to press a small kiss to Rasiel's cheek, just over his marking. "If you did that, you'd raze slums in more than one city. I don't want it." He sighed, then shifted to lay his head back down on Rasiel's shoulder again.
"I don't... I don't know how to do that. I tried--... I tried to do it once - but it just... I left worse off than I'd started." He sighed again, not really sure how to talk about this... It was still painful- and he wasn't sure if admitting that he'd had infatuations in the past was such a good idea. Especially considering how terribly they'd all ended.
"No." He straightened up, opening his eyes to stare into Rasiel's face. "I won't ever-- I can't ever-- ever let it out like that. I won't be like him, I refuse."
I'm better than that.
No you aren't.
You really aren't~
Don't you remember?
You already gave in once.
You just didn't have the g u t s to finish it.
"I won't hurt you. C-Can't hurt you." He shook his head, breathing starting to pick up again as he fretted over it. How could he suggest such a thing? He never wanted to be like Kagyaku. Ever.
"C--..can we talk about something else. Anything else. Please."
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 10:24 pm
Rasiel noted that Deskri really didn't want him pursuing the people that hurt him, something he had to force himself to agree to as he let go of the idea to find Kagyaku later. He still harbored anger for the incubus, but he'd have to will himself not to go after him like he had wanted to.
"You don't have to, it's okay." he reassured. He didn't know what he was thinking offering it like that. He would probably feel pretty terrible lashing out at him that it wouldn't be worth it in the first place. Deskri was always one to keep his angry down pretty effectively. Something Rasiel envied about him. He wasn't going to pressure him about it. He just wanted to be still.
"That's good." he muttered off-handedly. Not that he felt there was any threat of Deskri hurting him, but he was comforted by the fact that he couldn't hurt him, it solidified his feelings in return.
Rasiel exhaled, trying to keep his mind clear of anything that could set off his rage, he wanted this moment and he wasn't about to let anything ruin that. "Of course." he whispered.
"Do you... want to sit down somewhere?" he glanced to the bedroom but then looked over the the couch in the living room. He seemed to let Deskri decide where to go. "We can lay down in the bed again.... or just sit on the couch. Then we can just talk.... " he offered, he felt proud that nothing had set him off so far, hoping that it could just stay like that. At least then he'd have a chance of not scaring off Deskri.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 7:26 pm
"Yeah..." He nodded a little, his feet were starting to hurt. "I'm still tired... we can lay down... in the bed. If we're just talking.." Nervousness surrounding the idea of hands touching arose briefly, but he'd said they could just talk... No wandering hands involved.
"How... how did you end up opening this place again...?" The question had been lingering in the back of his head for a while... this seemed like a good enough opportunity to ask it. Hopefully it wouldn't push bad feelings on Rasiel, but he just couldn't stand speaking about his own problems at the moment.
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