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 Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:08 pm
”Do you know?” he asked, although sometimes he wished he could just keep his mouth shut. He loved Paris, but he also couldn’t remember four years of their life together and what they really went through. He could only imagine that he was different than what he was before, and part of him feared that she would realize she didn’t actually love him as much as she used to, before he’d lost his memory.
“Do you know what it’s like to know you’re different, to know you’re older and experienced, but not be able to remember? It’s like living in a dream. I have degrees from college and I can’t remember any of it. There are people who I’ve known for years and can’t remember their names. To look at you and know I should know more about you, but… it’s all lost. I can’t remember your father. I don’t remember helping you through that time, or through everything you’ve gone through. I don’t remember our first dance, or how we got to where we are now…”
Chris paused and shook his head, knowing he should shut up before he went too far and she was hurt even more. She never did anything wrong, and she definitely didn’t deserve him speaking to her the way he was.
“I already can’t remember Paris… if I can’t remember Ganymede too, there wouldn’t be any point in saving me. I would just be… a shadow…”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:09 pm
“Don’t,” Paris said. Her breathing was erratic and she gasped for air. She didn’t like the tone of voice he was using. Not quite angry, but obviously not at peace with himself or with his lot in life either. “I’m sorry.”
The truth was she had no idea what he was going through, or what it was really like for him missing years worth of memories. She could only imagine. What she did know was that she was terrified that she would lose him, either to the Negaverse, or to his own insecurities, or to the passing of time. What if he realized he didn’t love her after all? He didn’t remember loving Paris, only Ganymede. What if he felt too overwhelmed by the life he’d woken up to?
Paris put her elbows to her knees and leaned over with her face in her hands, crying quietly and trying to hold a majority of her emotions in. It wasn’t fair to Chris that he should have to deal with this. He’d been through enough.
“Please, I’m sorry, I just don’t want you to give up,” she cried through her fingers. “I need you, Chris, I can’t do any of this without you. If anything happened to you, I don’t know what I would do.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:09 pm
He squeezed his eyes shut, brows furrowed in frustration at himself and at the world. Life wasn’t fair; he wasn’t going to question that, but he didn’t think someone like Paris deserved what she was being forced to deal with. If he was honest, he didn’t feel as though he’d done anything to deserve it either. And here he was, standing and saying things that upset Paris even more than she already was.
But he couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t be able to move on without him. Could he really be that important to her? She knew more than anyone that even if he died, they’d likely be together in another life, seeing as fate managed to work it out for them twice already, if not more.
Part of him wanted to reach out to her, to comfort her and let her know everything was going to be okay, but another, darker part told him that it would be better if he didn’t. She would get used to him not being there if something were to happen.
“I’m not giving up,” he said anyway, trying to convince himself as much as he wanted to convince Paris. “I’m not going to leave you to raise our children on your own.” Children that he didn’t even know about until they were already on their way. “And I’m not leaving you.” It was just difficult when they were running out of options.
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:10 pm
Paris nodded against her hands and tried to seem as if she believed him, but the fact that she was still crying probably didn’t help matters. She wiped at her face some more in an attempt to force away her tears, but more fell to replace those she brushed away.
She didn’t know what to do, so she curled into a ball on the couch and wrapped her arms around herself, even though she would rather it be Chris’s arms around her. She didn’t know what to say, so for a while she didn’t say anything, she just sat there and cried but tried to be quiet about it, not wanting to upset Chris even more than she already had.
Eventually, when she felt like she had herself under control enough, Paris unraveled and reached out for Chris, sniffling as she stood from the couch and grabbed onto one of his hands.
“I just want you to see someone about how you’ve been feeling,” she tried. Her voice sounded a little rough from crying. Her face was probably red, and her eyes were likely puffy from the tears and all the rubbing she’d done. “You’ve been through a lot in the last few months. And I want… I want you to take self-defense classes. Please. If you don’t do it for yourself, at least do it for me and the twins…”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:10 pm
Chris continued to stand as Paris wept, unable to bring himself to look at her for fear of breaking down, himself. He was supposed to be strong enough for both of them, or at least that was what he believed. That was what he wanted. She should be allowed to feel everything without having to worry about him being distraught as well. They’d been through so much already.
He finally opened his eyes, not when he heard Paris shifting around, but when she grabbed onto his hand. He didn’t move from where he stood, but he squeezed her hand back.
But what she asked of him, he wasn’t expecting, and he turned to look at her with a confused expression. “See someone…?” he nearly sputtered. What did that have to do with anything…? Why did it matter how he was feeling?
The self-defense classes were a little more reasonable. And practical. And something he’d been meaning to look into. “Okay…” he let out a sigh, feeling exceptionally guilty now that he saw how red Paris’s face was from the tears she’d shed.
He drew in a breath and shook his head. “Sorry… I guess you’re not used to dealing with me like this…” After all, even she said he was different…
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:11 pm
“Like a therapist,” Paris said. “It’ll help.”
Of course, she wasn’t sure how much it would help given that Chris couldn’t talk about some of the things that were bothering him, like his magic not working and his bird being gone or his starseed being cracked. But at least he could work through almost dying and losing his memories, which Pairs was sure affected him far more emotionally than any loss of magic did.
When he turned to look at her, Paris released his hand to raise her arms up and slip them around her neck. Then she stepped up onto her tiptoes and, using the hold she had around Chris’s neck to support herself, placed her head onto Chris’s shoulder, at once giving comfort and seeking it.
“You don’t have to apologize,” she said while shaking her head. Paris nuzzled her face against the side of Chris’s neck. “You’ve been through a lot. You just need some time to sort through it all. I’m sorry if it feels like I’m pushing you. I just want to help you, and… I’m so afraid for you.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:11 pm
Chris made a face when Paris suggested that he see a therapist, not sure how much that would help, but also not wanting to argue with her any more tonight. He didn't think speaking to anyone was going to help, especially since the problem would still be there. But he supposed it would be the same as anyone facing cancer or other potentially life threatening illness.
He lifted his arms up to place around Paris when she put hers around him, drawing comfort from her closeness. There were plenty of reasons to be upset; what had happened, what could happen, what they wouldn’t be able to stop from happening. Chris knew that Paris was probably right about how it would help, but he didn’t know how much it would help him.
“We’ll be okay,” he reassured her, although it was clear that he was trying to reassure himself as well. “We’ll be okay,” he said again, softer this time as he pressed his face against her hair and holding her tight, wishing with all his heart that this would be enough.
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