Casperkohai's place.

[inucabbage]

12 / 9 / 15

Warning: I'm very rant-y right now.

This may have to be a weekly thing from now on, since sixth form is keeping me busy and when it isn't, I'm tired as hell. But anyway- I can still do photography which is great, and people are respecting my name, just not really my gender? I take it as they're not used to it because there's no cruelty behind it, it just appears that they forget, but it doesn't bother me much.

On the other hand, there's my mum's household where the malicious intent is real. For a change, it's mainly my half-sister who, in my mum's words, "doesn't understand". For someone who doesn't understand, she sure knows how to offend me but she's younger than me, so gets away with it. She was talking to a friend online or something, like I couldn't see anyone but she made sure I could hear her. She was saying ""There's a d**k in this house, he's called Casper. Oh wait, he isn't even a he. It's a girl."" What annoyed me the most, was calling me an it? I mean, I repaid the favour of it but still? Furthermore, she attempted to trip me up and if she did, I would've hit my head on the table or something, that's the direction I was heading anyway.

Based on this, and my mum's reaction of ""you can sort it out yourselves" (however once I put this into play by having a go at her for trying to trip me, I got yelled at while she played victim) I've decided to no longer visit my mum, since I'm not safe there. There's my stepdad, and then there's her which I wouldn't be bothered about if my mum was actually sorting issues, but she pins it onto me all the time, since it's me who's the issue, me who has to go.

It's been like this for seven years now, ever since I started building up my relationship with my biological father, which my mum tried her hardest to destroy, but I've found out pretty much every word she's said to be lies, with help from my uncle who was best friends with my dad. I even found out that when I went missing for six months, she who claimed to be 'going into a deep depression' didn't care that I was gone at all, and the reason all my stuff was gone when I came back wasn't because 'she couldn't stand the sight of my stuff unused', it was because he couldn't stand me being around.

At the moment, the only thing I have to thank my mum for is giving birth, she's barely raised me, I mean I guess I got four years out of her but once my half-sister and stepdad came along, I guess I was just destined to get pushed out. And even though she knows what they're like towards me, it's always them over me. One time he slapped me and she blamed me because she 'almost put their marriage on the line'.

If you look up bad mother, she'll be the definition tbh.  

[inucabbage]

13 / 9 / 15
Mini-update!!

So apparently my dad went to Wales for a week and he saw something and thought of me, currently I'm waiting for the present so I will update this but right now I'm sort of worried. His side of the family- besides Sarah (his girlfriend)- don't accept me being transgender however they don't reject me due to it either. That's why I'm mainly worried with the present, since I doubt he'd 'encourage' my actions in a way by getting be a gift that applies to my gender. As far as he's concerned I'm making a mistake and 'I'll change my mind'.

Also on that subject, it's almost the anniversary of me coming out. I don't know the exact date but it was either late September or early October. As for the first time I attempted to come out, that was like probably May time or something, or after. I'm not really sure. But yeah!! So I'll probably update this entry so we know what the present is.

Updated!!

So, I got the present, it was actually pretty neat, one of those "watchover voodoo" things, and it was sadly perfect for me. "The social networker" one, he knows me well. However I also heard about my nan, on my dad's side.

This is a little personal, so you don't have to read on since it's not really anything positive from here on. She's getting out on Tuesday, but she's got a cyst on her brain that they can't remove since it's on the spinal cord, as well as that- cancer's been found and they suspect about six months. She's also refusing to eat due to depression, they suspect. So I'm quite worried for what's going to happen.

Out of my dad's side of the family, she was alright about it. Like she asked me how I wanted to be treated from then on and while my granddad said that "I should be treated the same, I'm still [birthname]", my nan stated that I wouldn't want that, I wanted to be a guy. I mean- she had a brain operation so she was a little, out of it in a way. She wasn't completely herself. That's why I didn't come out to her sooner tbh, but I sort of regret it, and I hope she'll be alright.

Like I'm scared really, but in front of people, I tend to push it aside. Like I probably seemed like a d**k when I was told, but what was I supposed to say to that? But yeah.. That's about it for today.  

[inucabbage]

26 / 9 / 15

Sorry for the long wait, I've been super busy!! There's a lot of stuff to say as well, so get ready! xD Okay so, I've made friends in photography, all of them are girls though, but I have like two (I think??) male friends there too. I also found out one of my friends wrote yaoi fanfiction but she won't show me. sad She wouldn't even tell me the fandoms.

Besides that, I'm going to start looking for a job, I guess. I was thinking the library? I don't want to push into one of my friend's work but I can't deal with crowds, like I try but most of the time I panic, so I was thinking that the library's a quiet place.

Also, one of my new friends, Josie, is nice but she tends to want me to go to town all the time. Like I don't mind but I don't feel comfortable going there pretty much every day, she's nice though just not the most understanding. When she was told that I was trans, she's also started treating me more femininely? I'm not sure if it's just me, but it feels like it. When we first met, she talked about general subjects, now it's just love live (which I guess is neutral but not in the way she talks about it), feminine problems and typical things for girls to be into, although I feel like it's probably me just overthinking.

Like at school, I'm trying to act more 'manly' but I've sorta been thinking, and it's weird, I guess. I mean, I don't think I'm the manliest thing around, but I don't see myself as remotely female; sure there's the body issues and stuff, but I'm just me. I'm not a girly version of me, and I don't want to have to change my actions based on the norms since it feels unnatural, but yeah?? Like what are your thoughts on it I guess?  

[inucabbage]

4 / 10 / 15

So lately not a lot has happened. I'm annoyed at my psychiatrist though, she was supposed to be referring me to a specialist back in June, I had to call up and ask since I'd heard nothing, the reason I'd left it so long was because they have a long waiting list, but she never did refer me. Only now is she doing it. But nothing much is really going on, I have a school trip, a doctor's appointment and I guess that's it, but it's nothing major. Seeya some other time, I guess.  

[inucabbage]

11/ 10 / 15

So, a lot has happened this week for a change. I practically got yelled at for saying "Seeya later", had an argument with my stepdad, got my referral back on track, started talking to another transgender person from my school and learnt how to photoshop.

With the whole "Seeya later" thing, I'm involved in this ongoing thing at school aimed at the younger years to help them read since some don't meet up to the school's standards, in order to take part I have to miss form so when I saw my friend going form and said that, she probably took it as, I will not be walking with you (which I couldn't since whole teacher talk thing after school), I will never be seeing you blah blah. So that was fun??

Then with dear old stepdick (it's immature I know but he'll have another name soon), he kept misgendering me on purpose while trying to inform me of something so I just went ""If you can't even remember a name what hope is there of you saying something intelligent"" which caused him to go up to his room and my mum to have a go at me. In which she compared an amputation to a terminal illness. Since she brought up my granddad and compared my stepdad to him, saying that there's no difference in how I should treat them and they both have 'lifechanging' things to cope with. But like??
Firstly, my stepdad is and has always been a d**k towards me, he's rarely treated me with respect and he's not transphobic, he's just using anything it takes to set me off at him and create a reason for most people to hate me. Then there's my granddad, he's kind, quite old fashioned but we have the same sense of humour so it's great and he's just really caring. If I treated them both the same, that would be an issue.

Now onto my granddad, after that argument I went to see him and I requested again for him to use my preferred name. Not to be stereotypical, but he could barely remember my name to begin with let alone a new one, but he's trying his best and he's accepting!! Also his memory isn't bad, just his names like most of the time I was called Caitlyn or Connor, which are my cousin and half-brother's names. Another great thing about him is that, well this applies to most of my family but my mum and half sister, we've all come to the agreement that my stepdad's a d**k and my mum's probably insane for being with him.

Also I went to my form tutor about my stepdad because a. I'm fed up and b. I got yelled at for telling social services the truth?? How does that even work?? But yeah- so I've got to report to her how the weekend went despite not actually talking to them throughout the weekend. Also- get this: my mum's unwilling to sort out issues herself and either blames me or ignores it but she'll send me an lgbt domestic abuse? Like okay so she knows there's an issue but refuses to sort it out herself?

As for the referral, it got sent out this Wednesday. And with the photoshop, it was a cat in a teapot with a beret and bowtie, also I made my friend into a fairy (since she's a real life fairy or at least looks the part) so yeah, that's about it?  

[inucabbage]

24 / 10 / 15

So, my life hasn't actually been that eventful, but I have been busy, and there is some rant-y stuff.

So, I went on a photography trip to London yesterday (it's like an two hours away) and on that trip was I guess a friend of mine, we're not that close. But they're genderfluid and go by El. Someone thought their name was weird and asked about it, then it went to deedpoll- I'm getting on for Christmas since it costs £30 and that's a lot to me, so I checked over the price with El, that then led to me getting questioned. Also I got deadnamed by someone I don't actually know? Just how and why? But with the questions, "What bathroom/changing room would you use?" I'm a guy so what the hell do they think? Besides, even when I stated that I don't feel comfortable in bathrooms and changing rooms, they kept digging? Sorry but it's not like it's required to use public stuff, it's not like I could you know, go at home?? But yeah, that pissed me off- just if you wouldn't ask a cis person, don't ask a trans person. If a cis guy would use a male bathroom, so would a trans guy. I get it was only a tiny question as well, but it's also like- why does it matter to them what bathroom or changing room I use? What effect would it have on them? Being trans, it's not like I fit into either category either. If I went into a male bathroom, I'd make them uncomfortable, if I went into a female bathroom, I'd be ridiculed.

My friend was also planning a party for her birthday, but I've declined. I only feel like hanging around with close friends, plus I get made fun of for not being your typical guy and for acting 'girly'. I was raised as a girl in a society that doesn't do gender neutral raising, so how do you expect me to act when it's essentially been drilled into me? Like I'd rather go home than go to a party anyway.

I also experienced myself being too open minded again. Another friend came out as demisexual, but as I saw it, my reaction was "why does it matter" like basically, and I don't have this reaction to just every person, it happens to myself. I just accept people whatever, it just doesn't matter much- like when people tell me that coming out as trans is a big thing, I just don't see it that way, like if I didn't come out, nothing would change for me. But since I'm from England, people seem to be less of a d**k than in other countries, since I've heard America is bad so I'm just grateful for being here (in England).

There was also this guy who was harassing me over a free messaging service but I paid it no mind tbh. Like it started with this guy hitting on me and making me really uncomfortable, so I told him how I felt as you do, which caused him to get all aggressive at me and resulted in a death threat due to me being trans and "queer" in his words, I've read it's an umbrella term for pretty much all sexualities or something (correct me if I'm wrong), however the thing is- this was a guy, hitting on a guy. And it wasn't like beforehand he thought I wasn't male, since he knew I was male, just without the full on body, so I'd say that's pretty 'queer' in a way if he's the one saying that to me. Of course when I pointed that out he turned it onto me as my fault, stating that I should be respectful of other people and treat everyone equally, maybe he should listen to himself but yeah, he seems to have pissed off, but since windows phones are crap, apparently the update for blocking isn't here yet, thanks windows!!

And that's about it, sorry for all the rant-y stuff but hey, I moan 110% of the time so yeah xD
Also my photography project is literally done on cats (I have three so like) but someone said that was too girly so I was like "do you want me to do something perverted or something bc not happening"" Plus cats are lazy and do nothing, it's great.  

[inucabbage]

02 / 11 / 15

Warning if you dislike stupid/ignorant people (related to genderfluid).

Okay so atm this is going to be a short entry because I have to write an essay in a night. But to catch you up on stuff; I am amazed at ignorant people and I have a partner.

Okay so today this girl was talking about a genderfluid person in our school. In doing so, she said, ""Oh yeah sometimes she (wrong pronouns which she used) dresses up like a guy but I just saw her pass by in face paint. Genderfluid is just a made up thing anyway.""
As you can tell, I found multiple issues with this. Like they don't 'dress up' and if one gender is 'made up' then hey lemme just invalidate yours shall I?? Just it's so stupid, plus it was nothing to do with her? But yeah, that annoyed me a lot, considering she has no actual clue plus I'd like to see her say that to her face, oh wait- she won't. But from what I've heard, she always needs to have some input into people's lives and she has to spread her misery somehow.

Onto the partner topic- I asked him out yesterday and he lives like an hour away (a change from the whole ocean between us that usual happens. But he's really kind, and he's stuck up for me multiple times so I owe him! He's also a feminist and a pizza boy- plus I bagged a good anniversary date. xD

Anyway, that's about it, time to panic and rush an essay, seeya!!  

[inucabbage]

13 / 12 / 15

Okay so sorry for the really big delay, sixth form is keeping me busy so at times I may have to come to a halt with this just to keep up with the work. Well lately there's been bleaching my hair gone wrong, there's been loads of pregnant people in my year and there's been just me being distant to everyone, so let's begin.

Yesterday I bleached my hair for the last time since I'm going to dye it blue on friday, however it's damaged to hell and I have a burn from it, so fun fun fun. It looks nice enough don't get me wrong it's just super painful on my head and the texture is horrible. Then there's everyone telling me ""wow your hair is so damaged"" even though I think it's safe to say, I know.

As for people getting pregnant (we're talking 16/17 year olds here) 3 have already had kids, and there's two who thought they were going two and probably two or three actually pregnant. Just why tbh, and while these people are getting pregnant loads of people are coming up to me trying to convince me having kids is a good thing since once I start the hormone stuff, that's sorta it no going back, like sure I'll probably freeze my eggs but I'm not having a kid myself, to me it's the most feminine thing that could happen to me and I don't want to go through with that, I get others have different views but for me, that's how it is and I'm just not going to.

And then with being distant, idk it's probably just me acting up over stuff but lately I just haven't felt that close to people or that they don't want to be close to me, so I've been quite irritable and stuff but it should be fine, idk.

Also tis the season, I've got a tonne of presents to give, tempted to just not but it should be cool hopefully, I just hope my mood pics up before then. ONE MORE THING THAT I FORGOT, I got a new working phone, it is heaven and I am happy because I can actually type on this which is a big improvement obviously, and then that's about it tbh??