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 Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:12 am
Oh. Oh. Yes, suddenly all of this made perfect sense, all of the rage, all of the accusations. Because of course this was him. Of course that night in the park had come back to haunt him, of course his stupid decision to play monster had bitten him in the a**.
He let go of his henshin, and in a brief flash of ribbon and white petals he was Alex, because it was only fair. He hadn't wanted to tell Warhol, hadn't wanted to keep that secret for her, but it had been pointless because she'd ended up corrupted anyway. Why bother with his own identity? Delilah would be able to protect their family, he couldn't do anything anyway.
"I remember you," he said, and it came out wan and empty. "I'd apologize, but I know it doesn't mean s**t." He probably looked even more pathetic and weak now, without the oppressive aura of Corrupt Kerberos to give him a little menace. No, under the monster was just a punk teenager with long blue hair pulled in a ponytail and bright tattoos that stood out all the more against skin rendered pale and sallow by lack of self-care. He'd barely eaten and hadn't slept well for months, with guilt eating him up from the inside out.
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:34 am
Visible confusion flashed across the salt senshi's face, for a brief moment completely eclipsing his rage and leaving him baffled. If there was one thing Eurydike knew, it was that your identity was a precious commodity, might mean the difference between life and death. And here this a*****e was now, exposing his to his enemy as though it were nothing.
"You can't ********' say an apology wouldn't mean s**t without ********' trying, you goddamn mother ********' cop-out artist son of a b***h, " he snarled, trying to muster his fire back up again - but those words I remember you sent a chill up and down his spine. How could he know Hitch? - how could he remember? - and for a fleeting second, he was desperately afraid for Tolliver, for what somehow exposing his own identity might do in a world where women like Cinnabar walked, thirsty for his suffering.
Then he looked down at the boy beneath him, thin and pale and sad, all exposed now, and his fears began to ebb away just as quickly as they'd come. "How the ******** do you know me?" he asked harshly, like it was more of an accusation than a question. "You ********, how many ********' people do you even kiss in a damn night, huh? You sick ********... ******** makes me so ********' 'special', huh??"
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:50 am
What Eurydike was missing was that Kerberos - Alex - no longer felt his identity was anything worth protecting. The only person he'd really wanted to keep safe was long gone, and far more dangerous people than an Order Senshi already knew who he was.
Des could protect himself perfectly fine, and he was the only other person this might affect.
"I am sorry, it was - stupid and terrible and disgusting. Not that you're - but I am," He swallowed, and felt a new onrush of guilt, because Eurydike's accusations sounded so very familiar. They had a different tenor, but it was the same type of s**t he'd been hearing for years - <******** slut, you'll put out for anyone won't you, you should start asking for money. And of course that was how Eurydike saw him too, because that was what he'd seen.
"I remember because I never did that to anyone else." Since that apparently needed clarification. He'd played incubus for Prosper, too, but that had been a much longer game, and he had never laid lips on lips because it was so much more "fun" to tease. And that was long ago, anyway, back when he'd still cared about being an officer.
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:00 pm
The confession, that for whatever ******** reason Hitch had been the only person lucky enough to be teased and tormented and kissed by Kerberos, it hit him like a blow. The senshi's eyes widened, and he recoiled, easing up onto his knees and shooting him a disbelieving look.
"Me?" he choked out a bit disbelievingly, with the unspoken question of why him of all ******** people. Hitch was no one all that great. He was plain looking, big nosed, and - for a split-second he thought he might have actually ******** preferred it if this guy had been an energy sucking kiss maniac, because that would've entailed that it didn't mean anything, and apparently to this guy, it did.
He bit down hard on the back of his piercing, fiddling with it between his teeth for a minute as he struggled for the right words. "... Oh, " was all that came out at first, a bit lamely, rubbing one hand against the other arm, idly scratching at the edges of his cast. It'd been easy, really, to associate things like that kiss with Rutile's, with Cinnabar's little purred terms of endearment. But if it wasn't -
"You're not kiddin'?"
Just to be sure.
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:15 pm
Alex recognized that look of disbelief, that utterly shocked tone - because that was how he'd sounded when Luka, and later Des, had told him they loved him. And oops, thinking about Luka made him want to cry all over again, but his ex-lover was going to be on his mind anyway, because Luka was the reason he'd never done that again.
"Yes, just you," he said. "No, I'm not kidding." He pushed himself onto his elbows, and he looked away, refusing to meet Eurydike's eyes. "You were - I was. Not in a good place, then, I'd only been sober for a few weeks and I hated myself so much, and you were cute and fiery and you thought I was a freak and a monster anyway," and what right did he have to go further than that, to explain why he had never done it again, to act like his own pain mattered at all? It didn't. It never would. It was just what he deserved, ultimately.
"I'm sorry," he said again. "You didn't deserve to get caught up in all that."
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 7:10 pm
'Cute and fiery' were absolutely two words that he'd never have used to describe himself; it was hard enough accepting that Tolliver found him remotely attractive, something he still struggled with in his own way day in and day out, especially since Cinnabar with her claws and the scars. His cheeks burned faintly and he glared at the ground, biting at the back of his piercing.
Somewhere down the line here - he'd been trying to do the right thing, again, but... the right thing was turning out to be more complicated than he expected. He hated that. He hated when things became unnecessarily complicated.
Abruptly, he powered down, and Hitch sat crouched there next to the boy instead, frowning at him. "It was my third time gettin' drained by you guys - so I was sorta - touchy, " he grumbled, shuffling around a little. Then, his frown deepened. "Y'know, you say 'were' like you ain't in a bad place now - but you look like you are. Least back then, you tried. - what're you even tryin' to do now?"
In an unspoken way, he might have also been saying, apology accepted you a*****e.
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 7:51 pm
Alex looked a little surprised when Eurydike powered down. But then again, he wasn't exactly making himself into a dangerous-looking threat. And if he went to power up, it wasn't like he could do it quickly or subtly.
God, was it that plainly obvious that he wasn't okay? Why could everyone tell? He hadn't really paid too much attention to how he looked for a while; it wasn't like he was trying to impress anyone. So maybe he did look as shitty as he felt. Evidence seemed to bear that out.
"Three times, really? Wow, that is some rotten ******** luck," he said. He exhaled between his teeth. "I'm trying to survive. I don't know. I guess. It doesn't really matter." Because it didn't. Except that he supposed it would hurt Des if he died, too, after Gabriel, but there was still part of him that wasn't entirely sure that Des really did love him, and that it wasn't some terrible tangle of grief and desperation and wanting.
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 7:58 pm
"Welcome to the story of my life, " Hitch couldn't help joking with something that might have almost been a half-smile, almost, maybe, sort of. He fished out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, gesturing to the guy in front of him with a hand of his hand in a sort of silent invitation. If anyone looked like they could benefit from a goddamn smoke right now -
"Well, that's ********' stupid." Eloquence wasn't exactly Hitch's strong suit. "If you're just tryin' to survive, then the ******** you still doin' this for? - wouldn't it be better to try survivin' doin' somethin' you feel good about then somethin' you hate?" Hypocrite. He knew he was being a hypocrite. Well, mostly. Tolliver was the one exception, and he'd never regretted him. "Course it matters. Long as you're still livin' an' breathin', it matters."
God, what was with him giving out all these ******** pep talks like goddamn candy?? - in what ******** world did people ******** take advice from a guy like him, huh??
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 8:10 pm
Alex laughed, just a little, and pushed himself enough off the ground that he was actually sitting, instead of sort of halfway laying there like he'd given up. Which he had, but he could at least pretend he hadn't.
"It's...complicated," Alex said. "Okay no, that's bullshit, it's the opposite of complicated, it's actually really ******** simple - they know where I live. That's not some kind of weird creepy threat statement." He waved a hand. "The Negaverse knows who I am, they know my family, my friends - so I serve or I die. Or people I care about die."
God, he wanted to get out so desperately badly, but he was terrified to get out and risk what would happen. "People keep telling me they want to help me get out, but I mean...what Royal's gonna want to spend their energy to purify me? I'm just..." He stopped. Nothing, nobody, worthless. But he didn't need to dump that on Hitch. "I got someone corrupted, for ******** sake. Hand delivered him to Laurelite myself."
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 8:34 pm
If it'd been Hitch? Yeah. He would've felt the same ******** way, and some part of him knew that. He would've been just as ******** miserable, just as hopeless, and he probably would've never gotten sober if he could've helped it. That was how he ******** worked.
But this was - "The ******** even your name?" - that guy's problem, and because Hitch was an expert hypocrite - "Okay, so that's less ********' stupid, but still. Have you like, I don't know, talked to these people? - there's gotta be somethin' you can do, someone you can talk to - and ********', please, " he rolled his eyes and swayed on his feet. "Yeah, that was a completely d**k thing to do an' you should feel bad. You got a lots of things to feel like s**t for. - doin' more negaverse s**t doesn't make any of that right. You were what tonight, stealin' more folks' energy? C'mon man. If you were tryin' to do good for once, I'm sure someone would ********' be glad to help you out. ********, I bet there already ********' is an' you're just scared, right?"
He waved the pack of cigarettes again. "You smokin' or not, cause if you don't I'm gonna so - I'd say I got bourbon back home but - "
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:01 pm
"Alex," he said, without even really thinking. Dude had already seen him powered down, it was awkward to not know. This was also not the first time he had been told to just reach out, to suck it up and try, but it didn't feel like he could.
It all just felt so hopeless.
"I've never met an actual honest-to-God Royal, but there's this Knight, Hvergelmir - she's like, the sweetest person to ever exist, literally, and I think she knows one." The Negaverse had tried to pry information on Princess Cosmos out of her, anyway. "And she keeps telling me she'll help, and that I deserve better, and whatever, but I really, really don't." It wasn't exactly hard to tell he meant what he said.
"I mean, I made my choice, I have to live with it, right?" He exhaled. "For a long time, I was staying because of my boyfriend. I didn't want to leave him, and I'd have to, if I got a whole damn new identity. But that's...not really an issue, now." Part of him wanted to elaborate, but he couldn't bring himself to.
"I'm good." He shook his head at the offer of a cigarette. Not that he didn't appreciate the offer, but he'd never really enjoyed smoking.
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:20 pm
"Alex, " and for better or worse, he wouldn't forget. "Hitch, by the way. S'my name. Case you wanted to know."
He could get that, not wanting to leave his boyfriend and all - Tolliver couldn't help but come to mind - but even if he sensed there was more to the boyfriend thing than Alex was saying - "I get that there's some heavy s**t at play here, but like - it feels like you're makin' excuses."
He shrugged his shoulders and finally took a cigarette for himself, then, shoving it between his lips and lighting up. "If your boyfriend's not a factor not, whatever the reason is - like, unless you think he might come back or somethin' - like no offense, but you sound like a literal ********' moron. Made my choice so I gotta live with it. That's bull and you know it. You got this sweetie-pie lady out there reachin' out to you, like - ******** man, you got a chance to be somethin' better. There's a chance you could be happy, like - for ******** sake, do yourself a favor an' take it."
Again. He couldn't help thinking of Tolliver, trapped in the moment of the crash, of the girl that'd gotten hurt. "Just 'cause you did somethin' bad doesn't mean you never deserve anythin' good - the chance to make it right or the chance to be happy."
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 10:03 pm
"Hitch." That sounded more like a nickname than a name, but Alex could handle that.
He pulled his knees to his chin. Maybe he was. Maybe it was just excuses, maybe he did need to just suck it up and find someone to help him purify. But the thought of it was so daunting - how could he ask that of anyone, ask them to drain themselves dry to set him free?
"He's not coming back." He couldn't meet Hitch's eyes anymore, and he was pretty sure exactly how miserable that made him showed in his voice. God, he felt so horrible about what had happened to Luka. He should still be out here, as Caledonia, being a glorious shining hero. Because he was sure that even though he had joked about it once, Luka would be an amazing Knight. He had such a good heart - and now all of that was gone.
Because of him.
"I didn't just do one bad thing," he said. "I've done so many, I don't..." He shook his head. "You probably don't understand." And he curled in on himself just a little smaller.
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 10:36 pm
"No?"
Hitch looked at him, Cinnabar's legacy still bright, red, and angry across his cheeks. "Listen. If there's anyone that knows what it's like to feel like s**t, it's me." It was the most candid he'd ever been in admitting it; he didn't ******** like talking about himself, period. "It's not the same thing, I get it, but - ******** - if someone offered me the chance to get away from my s**t, I'd ********' take it. I'd take it hard an' I wouldn't waste my time askin' questions."
He took a long drag of his cigarette and relaxed, sighing out a cloud of smoke. "Everyone ******** up. It's a given, some more than others. - doesn't mean you don't deserve a second chance." He tilted his head and arched his brows. "I mean. I'd give you one. - I'm givin' you one. - just don't ********' kiss me again an' we're cool."
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 10:56 pm
Alex had been trying to ignore the scars on Hitch's face, because he was pretty sure he knew they'd come from someone on his side of the war, and even if it wasn't his fault directly, he still felt bad for it. Which was ridiculous, but that was that.
God, it was hard not to just cling to that advice and take it. He wanted out so badly, but it was impossible to believe that when push came to shove, anyone would actually want to help, if they knew everything he had done. Hell, Hitch giving him a second chance was bizarre enough. He was the last person that deserved that.
"Okay, but there's '******** up' and there's 'killed multiple people, drained god knows how many more, and handed my boyfriend over to the Negaverse on a silver platter, which resulted in him getting totally mindwiped.'" It had tumbled out, without him thinking about it, and he tensed up when he said it, like he realized he had revealed more than he wanted to.
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