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 Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:03 am
Secretly, Fritz found the snarky reply positive. Outwardly, he merely arched a brow, but said nothing, because Hitch was looking away from him now, arms crossed, an expression of utter stubbornness on his face. And it matched Tolliver, strangely, because Tolliver was the more stubborn one of the two them; Fritz was the go-with-the-flow kind of guy, while Tolliver had always been the more resolute, the quiet dedication, the staunch loyalty and stubbornness. Some of that loyalty had transferred over to Fritz, when he was Celsus, but only in certain cases. He did not have the same sort of heart that Tolliver did.
The flat yeah, I get it, was an indication that there was something more behind it than just an annoyance at an interfering older brother. Fritz glanced at him, eyes narrowed, and said, "That's not something to take lightly, for the record. I'm the twin. You're not."
"Fritz!" Tolliver gasped, and he'd taken the tissue from Hitch and was now holding it against his lip, an expression of utmost horror on his face, and despair was rising in his stomach, thick and hot and terrible, because while he didn't need Fritz's approval, he wanted it badly, because they were brothers, and other than Hitch, Fritz was all he had. "Fritz, stop, don't - don't talk to him like that, you don't understand - "
His brother held up his hands again, but Tolliver couldn't seem to stop. Everything was built up inside of him, bursting at the seams until he felt as though it was cascading down into his chest.
"He's smart, and he's kind, and he's patient," he said rapidly, and his breath was coming out in short gasps now, Tolliver scarcely able to catch it. "He treats me incredibly, and he doesn't - he doesn't care about my leg, or about the accident, and he m-makes me feel good about myself, and he l-likes me, for who knows what reason, but I like h-him, and I won't - I won't let you take that away from me."
He reeled in a sharp breath, seemed to realize that, in some point in time he'd stood up, and sat down abruptly, color flooding his face. The cut on his lip had reopened, but Tolliver seemed hardly to notice, and he reached for Hitch's hand, finally looking at him with a desperate expression that said it all.
Get me out of here.
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:22 am
Hitch's dark gaze darkened further at the comment, digging the nail in deeper to what Fritz was and what Tolliver had and it was completely stupidly selfish and irrational to be jealous that someone else got to be close to Tolliver and they were bound by blood and bound forever by it and - and he was just some ******** that was drifting along, and Tolli had come too close and he'd held on tight. That's really all he ******** was. - and some part of him knew that wasn't true at all but he'd gone down into the dark place and it was ******** hard just to up and pull himself back out again.
I am. You're not.
He wanted to say something back, something primed with knives and barbs and venom, but he was struggling for them when Tolliver abruptly interjected. All he could do was sit there and stared, wide eyed, some of the darkness that was pressing down on his chest dissipating because well ********, Tolli was sitting there defending him against his own ******** twin. Hitch didn't deserve it, and he shouldn't have needed it, but --
Smart, no. He'd never even graduated high school. Kind, no. He wouldn't have ever called himself that. Patient, no. He got frustrated so quickly, he lashed out, he'd never been a patient man. - and if he was any of those things, even close, it was because Tolliver drew them out of him. But he was visibly moved and awed to hear him say it, and when his lover offered his hand to him after he was spent, Hitch grasped it as tightly as a lifeline. A lifeline for both of them, wasn't it?
"I think me an' Tolli need a smoke, " he interjected, glancing at Fritz and trying to say in the nicest possible way that he wanted to get them both the ******** away from him for awhile. "An' you probably need some time too, right? - it's kinda been a lot, y'know?"
He didn't totally wait for an answer; he was kind of already getting up and coaxing Tolliver to come with him, offering any support he could - like, the physical kind or not. His poor lip... Hitch tasted blood in his mouth, too, but it didn't really hurt like a split lip would. (Speaking from experience.)
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:32 am
Tolliver hadn't even realized he was holding his breath until it shuddered out of him, sharp and painful, chest too tight to be normal, and maybe the word boyfriend hadn't even been bantered around, but Hitch was more than just a friend, he was a lover, and he was rapidly becoming Tolliver's favorite person, his one need in life that he needed more than anything else. His fingers wound together with Hitch's, clutching them like he couldn't bear to let them go.
Fritz's expression was flat. For a second it seemed as though he was going to refuse, or to say sit the ******** down, but he didn't. Instead, he simply turned his head away and gave a slight nod, staring out the glass doors that let onto the balcony.
"I have to get to work, anyway," he said lightly. "But this isn't the end of this conversation, for the record."
Fritz stood, brushing off his jeans, but Tolliver had already started to rise at Hitch's beckoning, and now he all but dragged Hitch towards the bedroom again. Distantly, he heard the sound of the front door opening and closing, and he would have pulled them both out as it was, but they weren't dressed to go anywhere properly.
As soon as they were in his room, Tolliver almost slammed the door shut, an then he was pressing himself against Hitch, face buried into the crook of his neck, great trembling gasps escaping him. His fingers dug into the skin of Hitch's chest, Tolliver's arms folded up in front of him as he clung to him, trying in vain to be as close as possible.
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:49 am
Hitch was ready to challenge Fritz if he had to, practically daring him to try and stop him from getting his lover out of a situation that was visibly distressing him. Luckily for everyone involved, Fritz pulled back and diffused the situation, and Hitch breathed a silent sigh of relief. Not like he wasn't ready to challenge him or whatever, just - it was better not to. Tolli had been through enough tonight already.
He didn't even so much as glance back at Fritz again as Tolliver pulled him along; why would he? He wasn't ******** concerned with Fritz. Tolliver was the one that needed him, and vice-versa too.
(Just let Fritz try and start this again, mother ******** falling into him wasn't totally unexpected - he was only mildly surprised at the way he threw his whole body into it, but he couldn't really blame him. That literally couldn't have gone any worse if they tried. In seconds, he'd wrapped his arms around Tolliver the way he'd so desperately wanted to do in the first place, dragging him closer still and nuzzling into his hair, peppering it with kisses.
"I'm sorry." He didn't just say it once; he repeated it lowly, softly, every few seconds between kisses, his hands flat against Tolliver's back so he could stroke it. Sorry for how his brother had been, and sorry that he'd been so careless and opened the door for this to happen at all. "I'm so so sorry..."
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 9:08 am
Some part of Tolliver's mind had hoped desperately that Fritz would have understood. That he'd be as kind and forgiving and supportive as he was with everyone else. But he supposed it was different when it came to his twin brother; different, because although they shared the same face and the same features, there were stark contrasts in both personality and mindsets.
Tolliver felt the hope draining out of him, replaced only by a sense of welling disappointment and despair that mingled with the hot shame and embarrassment that he had put Hitch through this. The relief he felt at Hitch's arms, strong and warm around him, was palpable, and he let out a half strangled sound that was almost a sob.
The soft apologies, paired with the gentle kisses and the soothing hands, eventually managed to make the trembles simmer down a few notches, although they didn't dissipate completely. Tolliver's eyes were damp, and he nuzzled his face against Hitch's neck, trying to steady his heartbeat.
After a while, he managed to pull back a little, and Tolliver caught Hitch's face between his hands, eyes searching his. There was a question at the tip of his tongue, an apology, something, but instead Tolliver just arched upwards and kissed him, and it was probably a bad idea because his lip was still bleeding, and it hurt a little, but he needed the familiar warmth of Hitch's mouth on his own, just for a minute.
He broke away when he couldn't breathe anymore, dragging in a sharp breath, and Tolliver pressed his forehead against Hitch's, hands on either side of his neck, fluttering, smoothing, touching what he could of him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, painfully aware of just how much it must have hurt for Hitch to hear everything. "Logan, Logan, I'm sorry, I didn't - I didn't know he was going to - I was hoping that he'd understand, but he didn't and I'm just - "
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 9:29 am
In Hitch's mind, as bad as it was, he assumed the worst out of everyone in the world when it came to - well, this. If someone was ever cool with it, he'd be pleasantly surprised and all, but he'd much rather just keep it between them where it was sacred and sweet and no one looked at them the way Fritz had.
At the strangled sound, he just held onto him tighter, like maybe somehow if he squeezed hard enough he could wring the misery and rejection from Tolliver's thin body. Or even take it into his own, because at least Hitch could function with it - when Tolli was around, everything got to be so much more bearable.
At the nuzzle he lifted one hand, sliding it smoothly and comfortingly through his lover's hair - it stayed there, every as Tolliver eased back and studied his face, and Hitch wished he had more to say than 'sorry'. He wished there was something he could do, but he'd made the whole thing so much ******** worse already, and -- the prickle of worry on account of Tolliver's lip were there, but he still kissed back, gently but passionately, trying to soak as much emotion into Tolliver as he could. He tasted his blood and Tolliver's mingling on his tongue, and he didn't all together hate the flavor.
Then, it ended, and he wrapped both arms around Tolliver again, easing in to press a gentle, light kiss to his split lip in a sort of echo of their first night together. "Don't apologize to me, " he insisted softly, guilt twisting in his gut. "I should be - I didn't really ********' help much, " and he dropped his gaze for a second, but not for too long. He couldn't afford to toe that dark line when Tolli still needed him. "This s**t's hard, it's so hard babe, I - ********, I'm just so sorry - it's such a lame ********' thing to say but I - it's such s**t."
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 2:28 pm
All he'd ever wanted from life was Fritz's approval; not his parents, or friends, only Fritz, because Fritz and he were joined together in a way that others weren't. Only a short time apart in births, they had never before needed much else other than each other.
Except now it had changed. Fritz had his glorious life, whatever that was, and Tolliver had Hitch. And he had still wanted Fritz's support because it had mattered.
But he didn't have it. All he had was disapproval and sarcastic remarks and reminders that he was wrong, that there was something wrong with him because he liked men, because he was falling so hard and fast for someone like Logan Hitchcock. And while Tolliver had no regrets about that, or how he felt, the ache of Fritz's dismissal throbbed deep within his heart.
Hitch's gentle fingers in his hair, the warm and passionate kiss that drew a pained whimper from Tolliver's throat; he didn't want to lose that, didn't want to walk away without the strength of Hitch's arms around him.
Another little whine escaped him at the kiss to his cut lip, and he saw blood on Hitch's mouth. Tolliver couldn't stop the tremors that trembled up and down his spine, and he sucked in a sharp breath, fingers moving to wipe Hitch's lips.
"N-no," he stammered. "No, don't say that, you're still - you're still here, aren't you? You're still with me, you didn't leave."
Tolliver let out a little sound that was close to a sob, and he hated, yet again, just how emotional he was, how pathetic.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, lowering his gaze, because he didn't deserve any of this, Hitch least of all. "I didn't - I didn't mean to drag you into this, to make you deal with m-me and him, I'm so sorry, I just - I didn't mean to need you as much as I do, but I can't help it - "
He was babbling again, face flushed into a pained expression.
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 3:40 pm
Hitch kissed Tolliver's fingers as they wiped at his lips, his eyes dark and serious but more than anything just adoring - loving might not even be too strong a word. "It'd take a lot more than that to make me leave you, " and he said it with the weight it deserved. He couldn't even imagine himself willingly leaving Tolliver while there was still air in his lungs, and it was kind of ******** pathetic really, but he stood by it and embraced it. Just, quietly.
"Shh, shh, babe, babe, " and it wasn't the first time he'd rumbled to him in those soothing tones, his hands sliding up to cup Tolliver's cheeks in his hands, and he peppered a few kisses along his forehead and temple. "I like... that you need me, " and it was such a dumb thing to say, wasn't it? But he did, and so it was. "It's really fine, I'm just ********' sorry it turned out like it did, like..."
He bit down on the back of his piercing, fidgeting a little. "It's not the same thing, like I don't have a twin, " like Fritz reminded him point blank, thanks a*****e, "But I still kinda know how s**t like this feels, an' - it was totally different, I mean, but - I'm just really ********' sorry, it's such a shitty a** feelin'."
He felt like he wasn't saying it clearly enough, and his cheeks burned irritatingly the way they always did when he said anything about himself, on any level - Hitch didn't like talking about himself, alright? - but it felt sort of - necessary this time.
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 3:52 pm
He loved the fluttering kisses to his fingertips, because they reassured him, reminded him that Hitch was still here in front of him. And Hitch's words burned through him, Tolliver choking out a little sob as he lifted his head, feeling the weight of those hands against his skin. He lifted his own hands, covered Hitch's and held them tight, and his cheeks were embarrassingly wet now, eyes stinging, lip throbbing.
"It hurts," Tolliver whispered tremulously, and he leaned forward, his forehead against Hitch's chest. "It hurts, Logan, I thought he would understand that I - I mean, it took me so long to understand myself, to even accept how I felt, but now that I do, I just - all I want is for him to understand that this is what I want, that you're what I want."
He nuzzled himself closer, hands moving to encircle Hitch's waist, drawing him against himself.
"You're important to me," Tolliver said softly. "I want him to see that, but even if he didn't, how I feel hasn't changed. I still...I still need you, I still want you, I still - I still want to be with you, please, Fritz is making it hurt, but I don't want to lose you."
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:09 pm
Officially, really, seeing Tolliver hurting was literally one of the worst possible things he could imagine in the world, especially because he didn't ******** deserve it at all. Some part of him felt a pang of guilt because he'd always known this, their being together, would bring suffering one day - he just thought it'd happen to him, not Tolli. He didn't regret anything, he couldn't. But he wished so hard it could have been different, and he felt a surge of resentment bubble up against Fritz in his heart. If he wasn't Tolli's twin, he would've ******** made sure he felt the same kind of pain he inflicted on his twin.
He nodded, understandingly, leaning down to kiss the top of Tolliver's head and nuzzling into him. "I know." But the way Tolliver kept saying it, kept reinforcing how important Hitch - Logan - was to him - ******** he adored him. ******** he wished he could have done something different. His arms slid around Tolliver again and he sighed, kissing him again. "You won't lose me, " he assured him, just in case he needed a reminder. No, he wasn't going anywhere. "I just wish there was something I could've done, I - maybe he just needs time, " and it was a lame a** attempt at comfort, but maybe there was a chance that Fritz would come around. He'd said it wasn't just about the gender thing - just that he thought Hitch was a bad match and Tolliver might not know what he was doing. Which wasn't really super reassuring really but - "I just - ******** I wish I'd checked before I went out. God..."
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:17 pm
Truth be told, he was terrified of a lot of things. Of losing Hitch, of losing Fritz, of messing either of his relationships with them up. Of something happening and Hitch getting bored of him. Of Fritz being right all along. Of Fritz being disgusted by the fact that his twin brother who resembled him so much preferred men to women?
Tolliver's eyes fluttered shut at the kiss, and he tightened his grasp, needing the reassurance of the gesture and the words. He tried to hold them inside of his chest and his heart and his mind, tried to keep them firmly in place so that he could remember them when things go harder.
"It's not your fault," Tolliver said, and he raised his hands, caught Hitch's face in his so that he could look him in the eye, biting his lip before he remembered it hurt and wincing at the painful reminder. "Logan. It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself for it, it's not you, it's Fritz, he's just - you're right, he just needs some time, but you - " His breath caught, and he sucked in a sharp gust of air, hated tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.
"You are wonderful," Tolliver said softly and he curled his hands together at the back of Hitch's neck, fingers laced together, foreheads pressed against one another's. "Listening to you talk to him back there, you...said that you cared about me, you stayed for me, and it was just what I needed, Logan...thank you."
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:44 pm
At the whole lip biting incident, Hitch threw him a look that said 'really babe, really?' but with a slight upturned curl of his lips because ******** he adored him for it. He inhaled deeply, savoring the way Tolliver held his face and made him feel so - well, adored. Wanted. Needed. It wasn't like Tolliver's words alone weren't enough, they were, but - ********, they really weren't such different people when it came down to the stuff that mattered.
As always, he flushed slightly at the praise, his eyes shifting to a side as he gave his typical lopsided smile, the one that like to teetered on sheepish. "Yeah... well, " he looked back and shifted just enough to nudge Tolliver's nose with his own. "What you said there wasn't half-bad either y'know. You really - " God this would sound ******** stupid as hell. "Make me feel like I got somewhere to be, y'know? - I mean - that there's a place for me. - wow that sounded even ********' stupider out loud, " and he was always laughing at himself, a different kind of laugh from the one he used when he was joking with Tolliver - or the kind of laugh he gave when he got too ******** happy to take it anymore and it had to go somewhere.
And he rarely let silence linger after that kind of laugh. "Anyone ever tell you you're ********' gorgeous when you cry babe?"
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:52 pm
He knew the implications of the look, but habits were hard to break. Tolliver moved his hand to swipe at his lower lip, smearing blood across it in the process instead of actually managing to clear it off, and he felt absurdly stupid that he couldn't even do that properly.
His eyes turned to Hitch, widening slightly, and Tolliver's grip tightened.
"You do," he said fervently. "You do have a place, and it's with me, okay?" And his cheeks were damp now, and he hated it, and he hated that he'd ******** up so badly, but some piece of him was still so incredibly happy that he had this man in his life, even with all of the crap.
The laughter filled his ears, followed by the compliment, and Tolliver flushed even further, hiccuping a shaky smile.
"Am not," he managed to get out, but he leaned into Hitch and kissed him, lips trembling, ignoring the throbbing pain from his cut because he simply couldn't express himself with words anymore. Tolliver's hands slipped from Hitch's neck, only so that he could wrap his arms fully around his neck instead.
He let out a soft sob and buried his face into Hitch's neck after a few minutes, curling against him.
"Can I..." Tolliver whispered. "Can I stay with you? Just - just for a bit, just until things blow over m-maybe?"
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:16 am
Hitch clicked his tongue and leaned in to swipe his thumb gently across Tolliver's lip to swipe away some of the blood - and then a dry thumb wasn't enough, he bought his thumb back to drag his tongue over it and try again. He wasn't scolding him or anything though, really - if he was being totally ******** honest, he liked being able to take care of him.
His cheeks burned faintly again at the way Tolliver said it, because he was so ******** (endearingly) shy more of the time but every so often it was like his emotions bubbled over and that's how Hitch really knew it was something, or more like he was something. "I - " He almost said something stupid. Obscenely stupid. Luckily it was easily masked with more laughter and the praise that followed.
He really wanted to needle him again and egg him on about how gorgeous he was (not a lie), but then Tolliver was kissing him again, and any and all thought just slipped away like sand between his fingers. He hummed into the kiss and held him tighter, closer, trying not to lose himself completely to the welcome heat of his lover's body. Not yet. Probably not here.
He rocked Tolliver gently, and subtly, back and forth as Tolliver sobbed and nuzzled into him, just trying his hardest to be there for him any way he could. Kisses, a shoulder to cry on, anything. He could do it all at once if it was for him.
The request was a surprise, even if Hitch thought to himself it shouldn't have been. If it'd been him, would he have wanted to stay? - he'd stayed when his mother had rejected him, but that was a different situation from this, and there was no need for time in her case. He was family or he wasn't. Tolli just needed time, space, comfort - and even if it wasn't for any of that, honestly, Hitch would never tell anyone to do what he did. He'd had to. If it'd been Tolli, he would have fought tooth and nail to get him away.
"I did give you a key, " Hitch reminded him gently, kissing the top of his head again. "My door's always open for you babe. Long as you need me, I'm there." Belatedly, the realization dawned on him - if Tolliver came home with him, he'd stay. Hitch would get to wake up and see him, get to go to sleep watching him, get to share his stupidly mundane life with someone who was neither of those things. His heart beat a little faster, and he felt a small thrill of excitement lace up through his chest.
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 8:32 am
He winced a little, not because he didn't like Hitch trying to help him, but because his lip was stinging and the pressure of Hitch's thumb, while helpful, still hurt somewhat. But he appreciated the tender gesture, and Tolliver's eyes said that as he looked up at him, too bright and red rimmed.
The kiss was meant as a reminder of what they had already promised to each other - that in spite of Fritz's antagonism and lack of support, Tolliver was Hitch's and Hitch was Tolliver's. And Tolliver had no desire to go back on that promise, wasn't even sure he could have even if he'd wanted to. He was already so wrapped up in Logan Hitchcock's life that he was veritably drowning in it and in him, and thinking of having to give that up was terrifying - even more terrifying than his growing feelings, which seemed to strengthen and develop more every second.
He'd almost forgotten about the key. Hitch had given it to him before, much to Tolliver's astonishment, and he'd kept it safe and secure since then, every now and then (stupidly) marveling at it. It was such a small, simple thing and yet to Tolliver it made all the difference in the world. And now it took on new meaning - because it meant it was a safe haven away from the rest of the world, a place for him to go when he simply needed to get away.
Tolliver's arms tightened a little around Hitch's neck.
"Take me home," he mumbled faintly, and technically he meant Hitch's home, but he was too mentally drained and too devastated over Fritz to make the distinction. Tolliver pressed his face into Hitch's neck and gave a shuddering breath, and he wasn't dressed at all to leave, still just in Hitch's boxers and his shirt, but the thought of staying another second where everywhere he turned was more reminders of Fritz...
"Take me away from here, please, Logan," Tolliver whispered, and he pressed a soft kiss to the underside of Hitch's jaw. "Just...let's get out of here, please, I don't want to be here anymore."
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