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 Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 12:47 pm
"You better, " Hitch warned playfully; he'd gotten small tastes of Tolliver laughing, enough to know he liked it. Again, he was the addict. "I know where you live; I'll come after you, then what?" But really, the promise of more texts was something he hoped Tolliver meant. He couldn't imagine just... going back to silence after something like this. He didn't even know what he was going to do when Tolliver left. Imagine then, waiting for a text that never came.
The kiss was so delicate, it reminded him of a warm breeze on a spring day, a welcome reprieve from the cold. Hitch was taken aback, not for the first time, at what Tolliver had to say. His cheeks burned, but man he hadn't smiled like this in so long, felt this warm or so - ******** he didn't even know. Tolliver kept bringing waves of emotions crashing down around him, some old and rusted from misuse, others new and thrilled, and all of them kept threatening to overpower him. He looked like he knew how to deal with himself. He laughed confidently, he kissed assuredly, but he didn't ******** know what he was doing and it was terrifying and amazing and ********>.
"God ******** damnit Tolli, you're just too ********' cute, " was the closest he'd get to admitting he was drowning in something he couldn't all together comprehend, blowing his shaggy bangs out of his face as he rubbed the back of Tolliver's neck. It was hot with his blushing, and Hitch loved and hated that he noticed. "You keep this s**t up and I'm not lettin' you leave at all. Fritz can ********' suck it."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 12:59 pm
He found his eyes half-lidded as he looked down at Hitch. Tolliver wasn't quite sure what he wanted to say to that "threat" of Hitch coming after him, because it sent a stupid thrill to him, and all he really wanted to say was something along the lines of "then I'll let you take me," but he was way too awkward.
Instead, he just said softly, still smiling a little, "I'll make sure to keep to my promise."
And he would, even if he was horrendously bad with communication in general. Hitch was capable of filling in the gaps with conversation, because Tolliver was stunted and inexperienced in that area, his only communication for the past several months with his brother. He was still learning; and thankfully, Hitch made it easier, made it so he wasn't quite so stumbling.
The fingers on the back of his neck were warm, adding to the heat already there. Tolliver was biting his lip so hard it almost hurt, but he let it go, turning to look at Hitch, blushing so furiously it was a miracle he wasn't exploding right then and there.
"I'm....I'm not cute," he stammered, flustered, but he bent his head, nuzzling his nose against Hitch's neck and shoulder to snuggle close - and also to hide his face from view.
Tolliver was silent for a moment, and then he said softly, "Fritz won't be home...until tomorrow. I could, um...s-stay...a bit longer."
A pause.
"If...if you want."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 1:18 pm
Tolliver wouldn't ever know how long it'd been since Hitch had ever talked to someone - really talked to them, not about the weather or terrorists, but had any kind of meaningful interaction with them. Even when he'd slept with the girl, murmuring terms of endearment and encouragement to him throughout, making it very obvious she wanted more - he'd had nothing to say. Sometimes he felt like he wasn't even really there at all, just a empty shell of himself going through the motions. Smiling here, prompting a conversation there, small things like that kept people from prying.
He wanted to say time with Tolliver was like a dream, but it wasn't. It was like finally waking up after a too long sleep. Things were stiff, the lights were too bright, but he was glad to open his eyes again.
Tolliver's breath, when he snuggled in again, skated across sensitive skin and made Hitch squirm, his breath hitching as he tried hard not to giggle or anything stupid like that - it ******** tickled, son of a b***h. "See, but that thing you're doing - " he teased, angling his head in just such a way to plant a kiss atop Tolliver's hair, " - it's actually really ********' cute. Like you're literally in the act of bein' cute tryin' to say you're not, an' that's just extra ********, he was red again. It was a good kind of blush, but still. ********. "I don't got work until tomorrow mornin', early, " he coaxed, sliding his hands up and down Tolliver's sides as his eyes darkened, and his gaze turned maybe a little wolfish again. "Could make you dinner, if you don't hate pasta, " because at least dry pasta and butter were cheap, "Could walk you home before work. - could leave us a lot of time to kill. Y'know, for things like... "
He was smirking in spite of his blush as he tilted his head to a side and whispered in a sultry purr some of the lewdest s**t he'd ever said to another person.
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 2:41 pm
He had no idea what he was doing, not really. Most of Tolliver's actions were pulled purely from instinct, body moving of its own accord, so being called cute was endlessly confusing. He just buried his head further against Hitch's shoulder, biting back a whine, either of protest or bemusement, he wasn't quite certain.
"I think you need to get your eyes checked, or something," Tolliver mumbled, but his stomach was doing twists and tumbles of pleasure, because no one outside of Fritz had ever even complimented him before, let alone told him that he was attractive. And here Hitch was, not only telling him, but showing him, in many different ways.
He couldn't see Hitch's face, but he could feel the hands on his sides, and he could absolutely, definitely hear the whispers against his ear. Heat suffused Tolliver's face immediately and in full force, followed closely by a series of shivers he absolutely could not have controlled even if he'd tried, a little hitch of startled breath pulled from his throat as he shifted in Hitch's grasp.
No one had ever spoken to him like that, had even implied anything. Tolliver had fought his own inclinations for so long, after all, barely even letting his gaze rest on another guy for too long, and here he was, sans clothes, wrapped in Hitch's arms, with Hitch practically purring in his ear.
"Um," Tolliver whispered brilliantly, stupidly. He couldn't seem to get his thoughts together anymore, intelligence scattered on the wind. "I like...those suggestions."
He burrowed his face against the side of Hitch's neck and mumbled, barely audibly, "...especially those last ones."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 9:45 pm
The first time, he'd been lucky and managed to keep himself quiet. But with Tolliver burrowing closer still, Hitch was helpless this time; he wiggled, clenching his lips together tight, but not tight enough to suppress the laughter that bubbled up behind them. He clapped a hand over his mouth, but the 'damage' had already been done, hadn't it?
He was a little breathless as he pulled himself together (and seriously hoping Tolliver wouldn't put two and two together because <******** that), but still couldn't really just let it go that easy -- "Hate to break it to you, bright eyes, but I'm a perfect 20/20, " and it was about the only thing he could boast perfection on with a cheeky smirk to go with it. "An' that makes you a perfect 10 on the cute scale."
Hitch licked his lips and shifted, gently coaxing Tolliver off of him and onto the mattress so he ease up onto hands and knees. His legs stayed to one side of Tolliver, the good side, but his hands were propped on either side of his head, leaning directly over him. His eyes were windows to the dark lust that had never really left him, but his smile was gentle as he reached down to cup Tolliver's cheek - a reassuring gesture, probably one he'd need.
"I - uh, " he paused, chewing idly on his piercing; there was something from the other day that had been nagging at him, and in the back of his head, he felt like he had to say something about it. He wasn't even sure this was the right time, but when would there be another? "Just... 'bout the other day, when we... when I was kind of a d**k, an' all..."
He sighed, glancing back towards - nothing, really. "You just gotta know, I - wasn't tryin' to - look, we didn't know each other all that ********' long or anythin', but - I wasn't your friend 'cause I wanted sex, alright?" His cheeks burned, half of what he was saying and more because he hated the way he was saying it. It sounded stupid. "I was just, I don't know. I kinda, just, I don't ********' know - I was just really ********' happy to see you that night, is all."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 10:09 pm
He was still stubbornly refusing to believe what Hitch was telling him, his nose wrinkling even though he could feel Hitch shifting beneath him. Tolliver shook his head, hair brushing against the other's cheek, and let out a little mumble of disagreement.
His mind, as much as he was trying so hard not to let it, was steadily being filled with more of Hitch. Tolliver let out a little squeak of surprise as he was pushed back, but it was muffled, and he fell easily onto the mattress, eyes a little wide, face still flushed as Hitch leaned over him, those eyes burning into him. Tolliver's hands were cradled against his own chest, and he curled them together, his eyes flickering half-lidded at the gentle touch to his cheek.
It was warm. It was warm, and it was reassuring, and it was everything. Tolliver's breath escaped him in a slight sigh, and automatically he tilted his face in the direction of Hitch's hand, some of the tension ebbing from his shoulders.
Bu the anxiety came back full force as Hitch stumbled over his words. Tolliver's chest tightened, wondering if this would be the moment when Hitch told him it would all be a mistake, that this was nice and all, but there was nothing really exciting here, it was fun while it lasted, but sorry that's it. His stomach gave a nervous flutter, but tamped down on it, forced himself to actually listen to what Hitch was saying.
Tolliver's own face was burning, but his mouth fell open, the breath knocked out of him for an entirely different reason now. He stared up at Hitch in utter shock, stunned into silence, because no one had ever said something like that to him in his life.
No one had cared enough about him - except for Fritz - to say that they had been happy to see him.
The silence stretched out for just a few seconds longer, and Tolliver could feel the constriction to his breathing, the way that his mind was working frantically to make sense of this, to understand why someone would ever want to see him. Nothing made sense, and yet his heart would not stop racketing against his ribcage, threatening to burst straight out.
A trembling hand lifted, pressed against the side of Hitch's face in a butterfly light touch - and then Tolliver surged upwards, and this time his kiss was anything but hesitant, the complete opposite of the touch to Hitch's cheek, Tolliver sinking every desperate need to be understood, to be cared for, to be wanted into it.
When he pulled away, he was breathing heavily, his breathing staccato, and Tolliver kept his eyes shut, afraid to open them, afraid of himself, of Hitch, of everything being just a lie. His hand fell away, and slowly Tolliver fell back, dragging in a rasping breath, his lashes fluttering as he finally looked up at Hitch. His gaze was almost pained, and to his absolute and utter horror, he found there was a stinging sensation in the corners of his eyes. Tolliver blinked rapidly, covering his face with his hands and hating the hitch to his breath.
"I don't...understand," he mumbled, arms crossed over his face to hide his embarrassing expression from view. "I'm just...I saw you, and I don't even know why, I remembered you from that night, because you were nice to me when everyone just avoided me, and I thought maybe we could - we could be friends - but then - then you just kept looking at me like that, and I wanted you to keep looking at me like that, and I just - "
He was babbling again, Tolliver's arms growing more firm against his face, hating every second of his stupidity, of his insecurities.
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:08 pm
The silence dragged on too long, and even if he was coming to know how Tolliver worked, Hitch still assumed the worst from silences - especially coupled with that shocked look on his face. He'd said something wrong. Or unintentionally hurtful. Or maybe he'd just said too much and ruined the moment. He'd risked so much on this encounter, desperate for it, only to push too hard too fast and ******** ruin it. He tried to hide it, but in that silence, Hitch did not breathe. He did not blink. In some ways, he looked very much as afraid as he felt.
Then, Tolliver touched him, and -- the kiss, sudden and hot and intense with passion Tolliver didn't seem to know he had, melted his fear away like old snow in the spring. Hitch gasped in between their lips without realizing, his eyes fluttering shut and every inch of him responding to what Tolliver was showing him in that single kiss.
He groaned softly, unconsciously, as it ended, his eyes opening into mere crescents to watch him as he slid back down onto the pillow. When he saw tears there, even for a split-second before his hands moved to cover them, he felt it again - that dangerously warm surge of affection that struck like a kick to the gut, that went beyond friendship, beyond sex, into territory he didn't know how to begin to process. He blinked furiously, strangely torn - he didn't want Tolliver to cry, but he also wanted to see him the tears gathered at the fringes of his lashes.
"Don't hide from me, " he whispered in a voice that didn't feel like his, sliding his knees closer and easing more weight onto them so he could slide his hands along Tolliver's arms, trying to coax them away from his face. "You don't need to, " he leaned down to kiss him where he could - forehead, lips, chin, anywhere his arms wouldn't cover. "Tolli, baby... it's okay. You don't need to."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:25 pm
He was beyond embarrassed, humiliated at the wetness that stung his lashes, prickling at the corners of his eyes. Tolliver hadn't cried since his accident, was horrified that he was even welling up now, the stinging sensation just serving to make him even more angry at himself. He was frustrated at his own lack of control, confused as hell as to all of the emotions that were welling up inside of him, threatening to burst.
Hitch's hands smoothed along his arms, a gentle encouragement, and Tolliver wouldn't budge at first; having Hitch see him at his most vulnerable was embarrassing enough, but this was worse, this was the lowest form of self-control. Anxiety ate at him like a physical pain, a longing surging through his veins, reminding him of just how little he actually had.
Fritz had had everything growing up, had a life to be proud of, had people who adored him and people he adored. And what exactly did Tolliver have?
Nothing. Nothing at all except the constant reminder that he was never going to be good enough, that he would always be second best, that he was not and never could hope to be as good as his brother. And for years, all he'd had to look forward to was waking up and remembering that he didn't have something to look forward to.
Having someone tell him that they'd been glad to see him - someone who wasn't Fritz, or his parents - to look at him with such intensity and passion in their eyes was almost overwhelming. Tolliver felt terribly vulnerable, horribly small and insignificant, and yet -
A shuddering breath escaped him at the first touch of lips, the first sound of Hitch's voice. Tolliver was still resolutely not moving his arms, but then another kiss was pressed, and another, and the nickname, and baby and he felt a surge of warmth, of longing, of heat -
Slowly, his eyes still squeezed shut, Tolliver let his arms be pulled away from his reddened face, swallowing painfully hard.
"I don't..." He couldn't look at Hitch, kept his gaze shut, didn't want to see the pity he thought would be there, the probable disgust that he was falling apart so emotionally. Tolliver's voice was hardly above a whisper. "I don't know how to be the kind of person that someone else wants."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:49 pm
Hitch held both of Tolliver's arms gently, but firmly, by his wrists on either side, just to make sure he didn't hide again. He knew he wanted to see this, and the sight tugged at his stomach in a way that made him as happy as it did sad. There, too, there was another surge of protectiveness; he wanted to soothe Tolliver. He didn't want him to have to cry. He didn't want any other eyes but his own to see Tolliver like this. The string of thoughts and emotions made his head swim.
Again - the words he said touched a nerve - not with the same intensity they had before, but more of a slow, burning kind of understanding. Hitch didn't know how to, either - but in his case, it was a little different. It was different because there was nothing in him worth redeeming. No matter how he twisted or manipulated himself, Hitch could not change his warped center. So he didn't even try.
Tolliver though - no. He didn't he see how much better he was than Hitch, than any of this, but he was. He was light years away and didn't even know it. "Tolli, " he breathed, leaning down to press a kiss to each cheek. "Tolli, baby - you don't - you don't gotta do anythin' different - you just bein' you is the person I want, " and guilt twisted in his chest like a knife because of his mother's memory. But he meant what he said. "Like a friend, like this, like... all of it. I want it - I mean you... I... "
He opened his mouth like he wanted to say more. But he thought better of it, of giving too much of himself away. He felt too vulnerable, too stupid. Even what he'd just done was too much - no, instead he leaned down and offered a kiss, slow and deep and full of longing.
Please understand.
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 12:06 am
He didn't struggle against his wrists being held down, didn't fight it, because all of the fight had dissipated, replaced by a feeling of complete hopelessness. The happiness and pleasure of earlier, of being wrapped in Hitch's arms, had ebbed away, because of course it had been a lie, of course he was just pretending that he was someone worthwhile.
His eyes were still shut, but he felt the warmth of Hitch's lips ghost over his cheek, and it made a soft noise escape Tolliver, barely audible - and the words that followed set his heartbeat rampant in his chest, a slow and steady burn that started against his ribs and spread outwards, building in its size and intensity.
It couldn't possibly be true. There was no way that what Hitch was saying could be true, but Tolliver desperately wanted it to, wanted so badly for them to mean what he thought they meant. His eyes fluttered open, pain and longing clearly evident, just as Hitch's mouth covered his.
He wanted to ask why. But the words wouldn't come, and more importantly, he wanted nothing more than to sink into that offered kiss, Tolliver tilting his head up, a soft whimper escaping him that was lost as his fingers curled against his palms.
"Do you..." he couldn't think straight, every nerve on edge, lips feeling burned with the imprint of Hitch's against his. Tolliver blinked rapidly, sucking in a sharp breath, and finally he opened his eyes, looking up at Hitch with a glassy gaze, trying to quell the embarrassment. His fingers fluttered, wrists still pinned.
"You really...you want...me?" he whispered, swallowing hard, voice hoarse, and the question was almost childish in nature, but he had to know, he had to make sure it wasn't some joke. "I don't - I mean - I - I'm not worth - I don't think - but you, I want - I mean -"
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 10:18 am
Tolliver didn't know; he couldn't have the foggiest idea of what even went into Hitch talking to him like this, being with him at all. He wouldn't have known about the disgust Hitch had seen on his mother's face, or the sting of her slap across his cheek. Or even the lies he'd had to tell about the girls at school, that yes, it'd been a stupid phase, that he'd had to promise he'd never do it again. The suspicious way she had looked at him ever since when she thought his back was turn, and the way he'd glared at himself in the mirror, wishing more than anything he could just shut it off.
And Hitch didn't want him to know.
But he could give him something - he wanted to. He leaned down and pressed their foreheads gently together, hushing Tolliver with a slow hiss of breath.
"Stop that. Don't you ever say you're not worth my time. That's for me to ********' decide, alright?" He knew how hypocritical those words were from a man that didn't think he was worth anyone's time. Wouldn't be the first time.
He had barely played the drums since he'd moved. His pots had gathered dust, and his travel books had gone neglected. For all Tolliver talked about how passionate Hitch was, he hadn't seen him before, plowing along and running on the dying embers of what he'd once loved.
"Tolli, I - I want you more than anythin' I've wanted in months, alright?" He shut his eyes; it was hard to say, and it was like he was afraid Tolliver would see there was more, more he wasn't ready or willing to talk about yet. "I might - I think I need you, " his cheeks burned, and he imperceptibly shuddered as he said it. "So just, " he kissed him again, fleeting but hungry, "Just lemme show you how much. Okay?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 5:28 pm
He was humiliating himself, being this emotional. Tolliver felt childish, pathetic, embarrassing, all of his shortcomings being brought to light, every flaw in stark and apparent sight, etched into his very being. The ground was not granting his request of swallowing him whole, so he lay there, horribly exposed, and surely Hitch would find him just a waste of time, a waste of space.
But Hitch's forehead touched his, and Tolliver swallowed hard, throat dry, and every word he was saying was burning through his veins, searing across his chest, making it difficult to even breathe, let alone think properly. He closed his eyes, wetness on his lashes, and felt the faint tremor.
The kiss had him arcing up automatically to feel more of it, breath catching in his throat because maybe, just maybe, there was something truth to what Hitch was saying, and Tolliver was both terrified that it might be true, and terrified that it wouldn't be true.
I want you more than anything I've wanted in months.
I might - I think I need you.
The feel of his lips on his was too short. He wanted more. But more than that - more than that -
"Show me," Tolliver whispered hoarsely, his heart pounding in his chest, dizzying him, and he couldn't think straight, didn't even know if he was making any sense at all, but all he did know was that he needed Logan Hitchcock in more than just one sense of the word. And he wanted desperately to believe that what Hitch was saying was true - that he, Tolliver St. James, was just as wanted, just as needed.
"Please."
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 5:58 pm
'Show me.' A tremor passed through Hitch; if he was in danger before, that was the moment he knew he was doomed. No amount of rehab was going to fix this kind of addiction, seeping into his bones and twisting his insides like heated glass. That was the only time Tolliver had ever demanded anything from him - and followed by his plea, desperate and heart-felt and with no room for compromise.
There was none needed. The spark set light to a bonfire, engulfing Hitch from head to toe. He leaned down and kissed him again, inhaling sharply as his lips slid along the seam of Tolliver's lips - because if he was going to be demanding, then he could be demanding right back. He slid closer to him, closer still, until there was no space left between them at all.
And he showed him.
--------------------------------------------
They were a sweaty mess of entangled limbs, with Hitch still nestled between Tolliver's legs. He laid there for a few minutes, spent, his hair hanging wet and sticky over his face as he gasped for air. The one drawback to smoking; he was winded longer than he should have been. But he hardly felt it at all.
He kept shifting, just a little bit at a time, sometimes kissing Tolliver's chest. Sometimes just looked at him through half-lidded eyes. He felt stupid. - not stupid like moronic, like he usually did. Just... doped up. Kind of like when he'd had those drinks the other night. Maybe kind of like the world had shrunk, or maybe it just didn't ******** matter. Who even knew?
"You - " he mumbled finally, sounding as exhausted as he felt. It was the best ******** kind of exhausted he'd ever known. He reached up and toyed with the colored tips of Tolliver's hair, chuckling softly, warmly as he stared at him again. " - believe me now?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 8:00 pm
He couldn't breathe.
Or at least, not for several minutes, several long minutes in which his mind was still not processing anything at all. Tolliver's entire body felt heavy and sluggish, eyes fluttering between half-lidded and completely closed, breathing staccato and rough.
His voice was hoarse. He tried speaking, couldn't find the words, and gave up, simply letting the feel of Hitch's lips against his skin remind him that he still existed, that he was still wanted. Everything burned, every part of his skin and his body tingling in a way that made his head spin, and he felt winded and exhausted and utterly spent.
Quite some time after Hitch had asked his question, he got an actual verbal answer.
"M...maybe," Tolliver whispered hoarsely, and then reached for Hitch, threading his arms around his neck and pressing their lips together, soft and slow and almost sleepily, but not quite, Tolliver just wanting the feel of Hitch's mouth slanted against his own. His fingers delved into the damp hair before Tolliver fell back, blinking rapidly.
"Yes," he said softly, amending his previous statement. He seemed unable to stop touching Hitch, hand fluttering against one of his shoulders. Tolliver's face was flushed, turning his head to the side to drag in a shaky breath with eyes that fluttered shut.
"You make me feel good," Tolliver mumbled, thoroughly embarrassed by saying it aloud, but he'd already made more shameful sounds, there was no point in being shy about it now (even though he still was.) "I needed that."
A pause, Tolliver opening his eyes just a little, though he wasn't looking at Hitch, face still turned to the side, cheeks crimson, heartbeat exploding behind his ribs.
"And you....I need you." Present tense. Not past.
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 10:28 pm
Just this one time, Hitch didn't stress over the silence that hung between over them. Yes, the silence was all his fault. No, it wasn't because Tolliver hated him, at least not yet - ******** if he hadn't made that abundantly clear a few minutes ago, Hitch thought to himself with a wry smile, hidden as he pressed his lips to Tolliver's chest again.
Besides, the silence wasn't really silence. It was filled with the sound of their breathing, intermingled. The sensation of Tolliver's heatbeat beneath him. And the way Tolliver's lids fluttered --
The half-silence was broken, finally, only to make way for more. Arms around his neck, drawing him closer. Lips on his own, lips that felt as if they should have always been there. Just the way Tolliver touched him, electrifying every nerve and breathing life back into him. It was good that Tolliver didn't want him to stop; Hitch wished he never would.
It all sounded incredibly ******** tacky. Didn't have to tell him. - but ******** if that wasn't really how it felt.
Hitch chuckled again, warmly, when Tolliver admitted how he'd made him feel. A pleased flush spread across his face, seeping as high as the rims of his ears and speckled the beginnings of his bare chest. He opened his mouth to tell him, good. He wanted him to feel good. He deserved to feel good. If there was one thing Hitch could do, if there was one thing that made him feel like he was good for something, at last, it'd be if he could make someone like Tolliver feel like he was worth it.
The words died on his tongue when Tolliver admitted he needed him - the present tense - and he almost wanted to return with a question: Did he mean that? No, no. He thought he did, now. It would change. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but someday. Someday Tolliver was going to wake and and realize that present had shifted to a past, and that'd be the end of it. All this would have been for nothing.
He slithered his way a little further up Tolliver's body, gently, to press his lips to the edge of his jaw. "You look so good right now, " he murmured, reaching out to graze his fingertips over a flushed, freckled cheek. "Y'know that?" Another kiss, only this one devolved into a playful little n** at the sensitive skin of Tolliver's neck. It'd probably mark - and it'd be easier to see then the rest.
Because he hadn't lost Tolliver yet, had he? "Wish I didn't suck at art - you're so - vivid, " and he laughed again, because s**t, really? "That's a ********' weird thing to say, huh? - y'know what I mean, don't you?"
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