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 Posted: Sun Mar 22, 2015 1:04 am
He still felt bad. Felt badly that Maebe was so attached, still so into him. As if he were some sort of bug or ringworm inside her that sucked away her soul or sanity. That's how he saw himself, even if she didn't. She coudn't even bring herself to be with anyone else. Had he ruined her? There had to be so many decent guys out there that could treat her better and give her more. There had to be. He prayed there was. He wished he could hold and touch her to make the pain go away. But he was the problem. He could not fix this. Out of his hands and so, so helpless. "One in the same." He murmured back. They were different people, yet so much the same. "I was so sure in order to find myself again, I had to avoid people. And relationships and sex and everything. But without all that.. I end up as nothing. I found that I was able to piece myself together the more I talked to people. Little by little. I realized I can't deprive myself in order to redeem myself. I was so focused on punishing me, and shaming me, all in hopes I could forgive myself, or make other people forgive me by like.. penance or some s**t.. But... it just made me feel like scum. And maybe it's selfish.. but I didn't wanna feel like scum anymore. I don't wanna hate myself anymore, no matter what I did or do. Cause then.. I end up just accepting it, and l let that be an excuse for all I do." Otto rambled slowly, just talking as the words came to his head. He wasn't an eloquent guy. And often he wasn't sure why he felt or did things the way he did. "Rather than keep on questioning why I am the way I am, I think.. I ought to just let myself be, and change things to the best of my own judgement." He shrugged. "I won't always know what's right, or what's best. And I'm sure I'll make more mistakes.. and hurt people. I mean... I'm human." He was human. Not a hybrid monster. He wasn't a child and not an adult either. He was just him. Maybe he wasn't making sense. Maybe he wasn't expressing anything more than random thoughts and hypothesis. Whether or not it was relevant or some journey of discovery. "It feels good to let myself laugh when I'm amused. N' let myself smile when I'm happy. Instead of stopping the laughing and the smiling as some kinda self-restraint, like I don't deserve it, or like I can't let people see. I feel better when I do it, and I feel more open and real when I let myself talk about myself."
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Posted: Sun Mar 22, 2015 1:19 am
She closed her eyes when he spoke at first, and shook her head in disagreement. No, they were not one in the same. This revelation they were having was truly a core trait that they both shared, but she knew there would never be anyone who shared her specific brand self-hatred that pitted dark in her heart the way Taym did. If there was ever anyone who was her mirror, it was he. But she'd only seen herself in the mirror for days now. And for that, she was the most thankful. "I'm not depriving myself." She amended. "Not exactly. The last person I asked, he turned me down. Told me he wasn't that kind of guy. And what does that mean, really, if not that I was that kind of girl. That's all I ever saw, anymore. I don't think that's really me, but it's who I needed to be in order to stop the pain. So now the question still left unanswered is, who the hell am I anymore? I have no idea." Otto had improved since the last time they'd talked. He wasn't pulling away, or giving in. He was finding his happiness. And he'd never needed her, or Cami, to do it. "I'm glad you've decided to stop holding back on the smiles." She murmured, her voice quieting with emotion. "That's why you always looked beautiful with a smile. Because you weren't holding back."
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Posted: Sun Mar 22, 2015 12:38 pm
"And I guess I can't tell you who you are either. Just like I couldn't rely on other people tellin' me who I was. I had to uncover it again with my own power." And a little boost from a new found friend. But he still had to dig inside himself to see it. "I'm sure you'll find her." She was strong. Fragile, but stubborn. If she really wanted to do it, she'd do it. He hoped she would. He smirked lightly to himself, squeezing her hand simply because he had it. "I dunno. If I smile too much it won't be rare anymore. Might devalue my beautifulness." He was poking fun, as usual. He couldn't help it.
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Posted: Sun Mar 22, 2015 6:08 pm
She laughed because it was the truth, and it had become to obvious to them that it amused her to hear it out loud. "The question is, will I like what I find? Because I worked real hard to hide whatever it was I had going for me." She turned her head to look at the white wall of cardboard, and saw her shadow barely cast against it. Her frame, small and curvy and perfect, cast featureless and black and waiting to pry its way free. "Could be a monster in this closet. I guess we're going to find out." She heard his words lifted by his smile, and imagined it against the white, filling in her shadow. "Now you're starting to sound more like me. Devaluing your beauty. Good Lord." She rested her head back on the couch again, and staring at the ceiling filled her with a profound sensibility. "So. We're getting better. While being apart. Does that mean we're bad for each other, or does that mean we had awful timing on falling in love?"
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2015 2:28 pm
"I hope it's not a monster." Otto murmured back. He wasn't going to humour her and say it wasn't. Or maybe he should have just said nothing. Probably should have just grunted an answer and left it alone. Crap. Oh well. "I mean.. you're nice." Durr. Otto shook his head at himself. He sucked at this. "You'll be fine." There we go. The good old lie. All was well again. Ah, one of Maebe's famous philosophical questions. Something he didn't really miss. "I dunno what it means. Life ain't some kinda predestined plan or nuthin." "We just happened. Things happened. It is what it is."
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2015 5:37 pm
"I do too." More than anything, she was hoping that who she truly was happened to be someone she could live with; because whether she was a monster or not, if she figured herself out she knew she was just strong enough to take a hold of it and run. Good or bad, it wouldn't matter, as long as it felt right. Otto murdered the question with his answer, and she laughed as quietly as possible. "I guess you're right. I just think a lot about it. About whether we could have made it if. If I'd just waited until." The laughter was gone; in it's place, her voice sounded strained, and emotional. So she stopped, because the hurt would not save anything, and wishing hard enough did not make dreams come true. This was not Disney, it was Deus, and it was the hard, cold reality of life. Despite how desperately she needed to be held in that moment, she knew exactly where a hug would lead, had she not thought to put something between them. Her fingers brushed along the edges of his hand, stroking them in the only form of affection she would allow herself. "How's Cami been?"
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2015 5:49 pm
"Until...?" Otto murmured back. He couldn't leave it in the air. He could speculate all he wanted but it was best from her. Otto didn't want to cling to the past.. He wanted to embrace the future. Sadly, those he loved seemed to be in the past. Or maybe he'd just dislodged himself from the present, and floated further and further out into a lost darkness. He shrugged. "She's okay, I guess. Same as usual." He grimaced. "I've been wanting to talk to her, but I can't find the words.." Or the courage.
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2015 6:01 pm
"Until." She'd left it there for a reason, and he just had to prod, didn't he? "Until a time when we wouldn't have broken up, okay? Just, you know. Some time in the future." She tried to speak quickly, desperate to move away from the idea and the thought and the hope. "Talk to her about what?" Cami was a perfect distraction from a topic that made her heart hurt. She couldn't have known that she was about to hop from the frying pan, into the fire.
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2015 6:06 pm
"About livin' here." He murmured, running his fingers along hers. "I shouldn't be depending on her, and she shouldn't be depending on me. When I first said she could stay here, it was cause I felt sorry for her. Cuz she was in the basement and all.." He rolled his neck. "I care about her. She's my friend. But... I need to remember what I need and want, under all the fear. And I do want a place of my own. Kinda like you didn't wanna give up your place." Not the same. He knew, but comparable. "It's no good for me like this."
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:34 pm
I need to remember what I need and want.A cold shiver ran down Maebe's spine when she heard it. It was too reminiscent of the reason why Otto had shunned both of his girlfriends in the first place. It was too reminiscent of that boy who thought he was making the right choices, when he was making only the selfish ones. It sounded more like the Otto she thought he was weening away from. But apparently not. "Mm." She murmured, her fingers never once missing a beat. They still stroked him, as if nothing was wrong. "You're right of course, dependence was a problem for all of us. Even though I wanted my own room, I still needed you two to survive. In a way I still do, but it's different now. And it'll probably be different as time goes on, too." But the real question had to come up, and she waited a few quiet seconds before slowly wading into it. "Do you think she'll be all right? I mean, we've come to the conclusion that the three of us had a dependence problem, and we're working on it.. but has she?" Because Maebe really did not know.
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Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2015 5:25 am
Otto shook his head. "I'm not sure... She seems so sure of herself sometimes.. but then I get glimpses of somethin' else." He hesitated a bit, "I know I'm strong enough to keep on goin' no matter what. Been through enough to know I can be alright, regardless." But Cami had come to him the second he caved. Come to him through texts before he'd asked. He had to wonder if she'd come back so soon because he'd asked, or because that's what she'd wanted all that time; and had found the right way to co-erce him into it. "I'm nowhere near perfect yet. I know that. But I ain't got any way of knowin' if she's gunna be okay, or if she'd even tried." "If she can't.." He frowned, "..what then? Can I just walk away anyway? Cause... I feel like that'd be selfish.. But stayin' wouldn't help her either."
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Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2015 11:36 pm
There was a time when both Maebe and Otto thought Cami was the only one of the three of them who truly had a grip on themself. She seemed the strongest, the wisest, the most self-assured. She was so good at making it seem that way. They were both learning, a little too late, how much of a lie that truly was. "Walking away would be selfish." Maebe told him, the sharpness of truth in her voice. "Which is why that can't be the answer. After all, if you walked away from me now, you would be terrible. But I don't think a relationship is the right choice for any of us right now. I just don't want you to make her think she's being thrown away. I know, it's hard." Maebe's hand squeezed his tight. "I don't know if it's even possible to talk to her and not make her feel like that. Just.. just make sure she knows that you're there for her. Like you're here. For me. And I'm here for you. Because - I just - " She sucked in a raw breath, and felt it hitch in the tightness of her throat. "This is all so ******** up. I want all of us to be happy, but it never seems like that's possible."
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Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 7:18 pm
He pushed away the guilt. If he hadn't done what he did, maybe they never would have had this falling out. Otto did this to them, because he'd done something so selfish. Maybe they had been hiding within each other, but they'd been happy. Right? "I'll try and be delicate... It ain't my specialty. But I'll try."
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Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 8:47 pm
It really wasn't his specialty. Maebe couldn't bite back the giggle when she thought about it, but her lip dove between her teeth regardless in the attempt. "Okay." She whispered out, still amused. "Good luck. It's going to be hard. But if you need to talk after.." She couldn't believe it had come to this. Was Maebe really offering to be there for him, to be his friend, his confidante, if he needed someone to talk to after breaking up with Cami? What <******** up universe had they just walked into? ".. you know." A world where she couldn't actually say it. It just seemed too cruel to Cami, to admit out loud that she'd be there for him, too.
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Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 9:14 pm
Otto shrugged. "I should be okay, but I appreciate it." He murmured, lightly rubbing his thumb over her hand. He'd likely talk to her anyway. "She won't be lonely, will she?" He paused, "...Are you lonely?" He didn't want to assume he was the centre of their world. Surely they had a mass arsenal of friends. He just wasn't sure who they were.
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