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 Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:14 pm
"Being a neutral third party is the best." His eyes glazed over for a short moment. "Been in the thick of a lot of things.. and sometimes it just ain't worth the trouble." It sure didn't feel like it. All he wanted to was to wriggle free and run. Cut ties before he was hurt. He'd always been that way. "Yeah, just step back." He affirmed. "Makes your problems seem a little clearer from far away." Like when he could see a whole city from a hotel window. Dammit, he was doing the curls thing again. Otto lost his will to maintain personal barriers, and shifted forward. "Sorry. It's been buggin' me." He murmured, taking a curl, pulling it taught, and letting go. "That's friggin weird as s**t."
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:29 pm
"I suppose it depends on what you want out of whatever you're in the middle of, right?" Chance asked, humming in thought. "If you think it'll be better to just...disappear, then that's how you can do it, or if you think it's better to work things out, that's good too, but I guess it takes some time to figure that sort of s**t out.
"Hence the stepping back part," he added, with a slight smile. "That makes more sense. Distance can make you see the whole picture, right?"
Coming from someone who lived in the moment most of the time, he definitely was not used to taking a step back. Most of Chance's decisions were made on the spot, because he'd never had a reason to consider them for longer than a few moments.
He didn't notice that Otto had moved until he felt a hand brush against the side of his face on the way to his hair. Chance let out a laugh, shaking his head so that the curls bounced everywhere against his head, half covering the stars tattooed on his temple.
"The curls are weird?" he asked, grinning. "It's always been like this, totally natural."
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:37 pm
What one wanted out of an arrangement. Did it bother him that what he'd wanted out of Cami and Maebe was not worth the trouble of a fight? That put so little value on them as people, didn't it? Did that make him a bad person? He hoped not. Still, he felt he might be a bad person. "Right. Distance is best." Keeping away from Maebe, instead of leading her on to thinking they could work together as he was; a man who didn't want enough to keep things glued together. He didn't want to think he only wanted her when things were fair weather. Yet.. here he was. He felt he was using Cami too. He let her stay, but he wondered if he ought not to. Was he leading her on too? She was his friend, but now and then, he wanted his space back. It felt suffocating to worry about it. Made his head drown in heavy and thick pressure of doubts and guilt. Otto sat back again, still fixed on the movement of them. It was like... springs. A head full of springs. "Natural, yeah. I mean it ain't the first head of curls I seen. Molly has 'em." Still, it was fascinating. Besides, Otto liked black hair. Eva had black hair and a face like an angel. Maybe he'd only fallen for her for her looks, just like Maebe... but he hadn't liked Maebe at first. He'd hated her. So what had happened again? Otto shook his head. "I'm kinda sick of worrying and feeling s**t." He murmured aloud. "It's a drain on the soul."
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:52 pm
"Distance is good for perspective," said Chance agreeably. "And I have to admit, that I grew up without that sort of ideal, considering my living situation most of the time. It was easy for me to just do what I wanted because I wasn't going to be making messes in places that didn't matter."
But being here made it matter. Being in a place that actually had people that he was interested in knowing more about was what was making everything so confusing. Chance was not used to the sensation of wanting more; of considering other people's feelings in lieu of his own.
It was extremely unfamiliar.
"Oh, I've met Molly," said Chance with a smile. "She's quite nice, her hair is I think much better than mine, I don't do a helluva lot with mine. It just sort of springs all over the place."
His eyes strayed towards Otto as Chance contemplated him for a moment.
"What are you worried about?" he asked curiously.
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:58 pm
"It works." Otto shrugged. Hair without seemingly any taming had it's own charms. Otto's when shorter took on a bed head sort of style. Now that it was longer, it weighed itself down. Otto breathed out through his nose, his gaze dropping in thought. "A lot. So much that I can't keep track no more." He smirked with no mirth behind it. Really, it was more like a grimace. "Sorta why it's appealing to think about a life without emotion or attachments." "I guess.. I'm most worried about my own intentions, and what it'd mean for the people in my life."
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 8:57 pm
"Thanks," said Chance and reached out, tugging idly at a lock of Otto's own wheat-blonde locks. "Yours is a nice shade, it's like got a bit of orange here and there, I think, very subtle that just works well for you."
His fingers slid away and fell to his lap. Chance hummed a little, and said, slightly dryly, "Well, as you can see, the result of having no feelings winds up being someone like me, which I suppose isn't the best when it comes to examples."
He tilted his head a little, trying to be politely curious without prying.
"What sort of intentions?" Chance asked. "Towards people?"
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 5:36 am
"Thanks.. I had pink streaks for a while thanks to a dare. It was weird. Never wanna see it dyed again." He loved his hair. It was one of his features he liked most. "But you don't seem that bad off." Otto murmured, "I mean.. you're interesting to talk to, and all." How could someone with no emotion be engaging otherwise? Otto breathed in, attempting to sort his thoughts properly. He had a hard time explaining how he felt, and hoped pondering it better would prevent any confusion on both ends. "Like what if I only wanna be around people who're nice to me, or do stuff for me. And when things go bad, I just leave." He didn't want to be that sort of person, but running away from strife came so natural, it was hard to fight it. "If that's the sort of person I am, deep down... then I don't wanna be me no more." He rubbed his neck, grimacing. "I guess this sounds vague and out of context or somethin'. It's that or give you my sob story, and I don't feel much like gettin' you uncomfortable with me." Whining and moaning, complaining and making it all about himself. He didn't want to do that.
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 1:06 pm
"I like the blonde," said Chance agreeably. "It suits you somehow, I'm not so sure about pink."
The compliments made him smile. "Thanks," he said simply, and then added, "I suppose it's all a matter of just...trying to remember that not everyone thinks the same way as someone else, and I don't do a whole lot of judging other people, so I sincerely hope that it makes me easier to be around."
His fingers slid idly through his hair, sorting through the curls with an absentminded thoughtfulness. "No one wants to be around people who aren't nice to them," Chance pointed out. "It's just a natural reaction. Being around people who treat you like s**t makes you want to be away from them. I don't see why that's something to be ashamed of; no one wants to stay in a one-sided relationship."
Chance's smile was a little rueful. "That's what I'm doing right now, anyway. Walking away when something went bad."
Hence all of the papers and the "off" sensation that Chance was currently exuding. His face softened. "I'm not uncomfortable with you as it is. If you want to talk about whatever's bothering you, I'll listen. But it's also okay if you don't want to talk about it; I did say that I'm the type of guy who's okay with just sitting in silence."
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 1:31 pm
Chance made it sound like what he did was only natural, but Otto knew better than that. Chance didn't know what he'd done. The mistake that threw his life into chaos, and made him question himself. He just wanted to be okay again.
"It's..." Otto tapped his lip with his fingers, wondering if he ought to let himself bury what happened and move on. Talking about it again wouldn't really help anyway, right? He'd started telling others what had happened. Ripley knew. Sasha knew. And of course Cami and Maebe. He could feel his mind put a block around the memory, trying to allow himself to run from his own mistakes.
"It's not about bein' with people who are s**t to me." He murmured, "I hurt my girlfriend in a way I never thought I would. I got drunk, and cheated on her with a one night stand." That was underselling it a fair bit. "And cause of it, she got... worse than mad. She got real crazy for a bit, and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't support her, or even try and make things better. Her, and my best friend. They were in pain, and all I wanted to do was be alone and run. And I did."
He shrugged. "Things are a bit calmer now, but I still remember it so vividly, and things have become really awkward and.. uncomfortable."
"If it had been with a girl or something, it mighta been different, cause I'd own up to it right away. I'd have been able to do whatever I could to make it better. But I got real messed up after it. Real messed. I couldn't understand why I'd cheated, but more than that.. less than the cheating.."
He groaned, rubbing his neck and rolling it side to side. "I'd never been with a dude before; never let myself even think of it. So it wasn't just the cheating that had me down, not even my girl and best friend bein' so hurt. I was also dealin' with that."
And he probably still was.
"It was too much all at once. I think that's why I'm havin' trouble forgiving myself. Cause she sure as Hell never will."
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 1:55 pm
Chance didn't move from where he was while he listened, his head resting in the palm of his hand, a completely neutral expression on his face. Slowly the pieces had begun to fall into place; a few were out of order, but eventually Chance was able to put them together so that they formed a cohesive sort of idea of the struggle Otto was currently going through.
For a few seconds, he didn't say anything, merely mulled over the information in his head.
"So," said Chance carefully. "Most of what...what you've told me stems from...the fact that you slept with a guy while you had a girlfriend, and it's the it being a guy part that ******** you up more than the rest, right? Because if it was a girl, it was easier to explain away, but when it's your first time with a guy..."
Chance had not ever had the same sort of shame when it came to who he was attracted to, and a part of him wondered if that had anything to do with the suppression of all of his emotions over the years. He had never been ashamed because he'd never considered it shameful in the first place, it just was.
"Is that what you're struggling with more than your girlfriend and best friend?" Chance asked. "The whole guy thing?"
He did not sound disgusted, merely curious. His expression was kind as he looked across at Otto, his thoughts shifting a little.
"Mistakes are mistakes," said Chance quietly. "They don't define you, they just exist to be learned from. You didn't hurt her on purpose; you didn't actively seek to bring her down, like those people on Twitter that we talked about, the slut shamers and the dicks who get off on trampling on others. Maybe you ******** up, but ******** up is what it is."
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 2:26 pm
"Yeah. I mean.. rationally I know I should be more torn up about their pain, but.." He shrugged helplessly. "I felt so trapped, and I still do. Before all this I'd fallen into a cozy little lull, where everythin' made sense, even if it wasn't all peaches and cream all the time." He knew mistakes existed to be learned from; to form an opinion of right and wrong. Thinking about it, maybe he had been defining himself by his mistakes. Maybe that's why he carried his guilt like a boulder on his back. "I think what I wanna do, is apologize to them both properly. I mean.. I know they know I didn't hurt them on purpose.. but I still did. I dunno what it is I ultimately want anymore as far as a relationship goes. But, I think it's best I don't rush into having a girlfriend or whatever again. Not until I'm prepared to." "Just a matter of bein' brave enough to face them proper. I see Cami every day; shes my room mater. But Maebe said I'd best not see her in person till I got my s**t sorted. Every time we're in a room together too long we..." He flushed, waving his hand, "Get intimate. We're like magnets or somethin'. She said it ain't good for us."
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 2:35 pm
"You sound like you have a good start," said Chance, leaning back a little, and giving Otto what he hoped was an encouraging smile. "You have a basis of where you want to go, even if the rest of it is hazy. There's nothing that says you have to have a girlfriend, and no rule that says you have to decide things immediately."
The intimate comment made his lips twitch, as though Chance was hiding a smile, but he wasn't making fun of Otto. "Some distance is good - perspective, right?" he added, a little wryly - a flashback to the same advice that Otto had given him, just earlier in the evening. "Sex is fun, and it feels good, but when you have a million strings all tangled up in knots, it can be...complicated instead."
His hand lifted, rubbing idly at his neck, where a bruise was hidden beneath the collar of his shirt; a reminder of the night at the club and its subsequent happenings.
"If it helps any," said Chance, dropping his hand. "I think you're plenty brave already. I mean, you're talking about it, right? You didn't run away from me last time, or this time, you came up with a plan already. Small plans are still plans, you don't have to have every detail figured out immediately. You can take your time learning and meeting yourself again."
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 2:55 pm
"Perspective." He murmured back. He felt like not getting back with Maebe would tell her he didn't want her. It wasn't that. It was respect for her as a person that he wouldn't go back to her. She deserved something he couldn't give her right now. Otto gave a nod. He had a plan, and he was being a lot more open nowadays. He was learning, he hoped. "I'd like to think we'll both get our knots untangled eventually." Maybe they could eat and toast to it.
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 2:58 pm
A small laugh escaped him.
"If anything, my knots have knots," said Chance, shaking his head a little. He leaned on his bed until he was on his back, staring up at the stars on the ceiling with his legs dangling off the side. "I keep thinking that it's got something to do with everyone else, but maybe it's just that whole not caring thing that ******** things up for me."
He closed his eyes and exhaled a breath.
"But I think it might be nice if I could care someday, even if I can't now. Who knows, though, maybe that'll just mess things up even more. I've been this way for most of my life, it's not that easy to suddenly change, sadly."
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 3:04 pm
"Sounds like a defence mechanism." Maybe that was obvious. Otto had his fair share, and could certainly relate. "I can't tell you that caring makes it easier. Just makes it nicer now and ten. But I think I already said that." Who knows.Maybe Chance was better off as he was. "Change sucks a**." He replied honestly; bluntly. "Don't take down them walls till you really wanna. Not cause you think it'd be better for other people. Like I said, you seem nice just the way you are."
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