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 Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2015 5:39 pm
Sometimes Cami wished that Otto spoke more. Right now she wished he'd spoken at all. If she knew even a fraction of what was going through his head at the moment she would have walked right over and slapped him so hard his head would have gone flying sideways. As it was she was considering such a thing with both of them. It was a violent tendency that had her flashing back to the nightmares that dogged her sleeping hours and made her turn aside with nausea as it rolled in her stomach.
Unfortunately for the three of them Otto hadn't spoken, Cami couldn't read minds, and Maebe was determined to bring them back to the matter at hand. Whatever it was. "What do you and Otto see as the problem? I can't fix what I don't know is broken. It's like staring at a complicated machine and knowing some part of it is broken but you don't know what. I need help." Looking first at him, then her, then back and forth she waited for them to talk.
Where she was on her knees it was almost Cami begging for some help. Begging them to save what they'd had because nothing had ever made her feel better than what they had together. Did she have to say that again? Was what she did every day, how she felt every day, not enough?
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2015 6:04 pm
Cami was supposed to have all the answers. Maebe clearly didn't know how to handle the situation. Otto was more useless than ever, sitting there sullenly without a word. How would they fix their relationship, if none of them knew what to do next?
Was the answer simply, that they would not?
Maebe reached out, and took Cami's hand. She did it not because she sought comfort, or wanted to give comfort in return. She did it because she was scared. She was scared that she had no answers, and neither did Otto, and now, too, neither did Cami.
And that meant she was going to lose them.
The end was coming, looming over them like a dark shadow, and Maebe was still so afraid of the dark.
"I'm hurt. And I don't want you keeping things from me. And I don't think." She inhaled a gust of air before admitting the last one. "I don't think Otto wants this anymore. I think those are my problems. I can't speak for Señor Talkypants over there."
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2015 6:18 pm
The problem was Maebe couldn't forgive him. She'd said so herself. What else was he supposed to do? He didn't really realize he'd barely spoken the whole time; so accustomed to keeping his yap shut he didn't know the difference. He also worried anything he said would only make things worse. But when you were in this deep, go for broke, right? He felt backed into a corner. Antsy. Agitated.
"I'd love to help." He replied curtly. "But I don't got any answers. Maebe can't forgive me, so I'm really at a loss at what I'm supposed to be doin' here."
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 8:15 pm
Sitting on the floor with a thud (because her backside hadn't ever really gotten any smaller) she sat with her back against the couch, staring at the blank tv screen. Maebe's hand was kept in her own, resting over her shoulder as she refused to look at either of her significant others. They were acting like children and it was making her want to respond in kind, made her want to slam the door and walk away, but her chest constricted painfully at the very thought.
"Otto, do you want me to move out? Do you want to not be with me and Maebe anymore? What do you want? You've barely said anything and pretend, just pretend that Maebe could forgive you." A deadly look was shot from ice-blue eyes to the girl whose hand she was holding, telling her to be quiet right now if she wanted to stay a part of this at all.
There was a tone to Cami's voice that was pleasant, that was anything at all. It was a broken, hollow sort of tone that made her feel like she was back in the Tower, despite the hand in hers. Isolation. Was this how it started?
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 8:19 pm
Cami knew her too well. Her mouth had already opened, but Cami's look shut it quick enough.
She could play pretend. For now.
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 8:32 pm
Cami's pleasant speaking voice sounded carefully crafted over a ruse. It made him feel on edge, even more than he was. They were judging him. Whatever he said now would put the nail in the coffin, so to speak. His heart began to race, and he fought to find the words. He didn't have an answer, but the least he could do was try and explain his feelings.
He hated talking about his feelings.
"I can't pretend she would." He murmured under his breath, convinced Maebe would never forgive. She couldn't. She wouldn't. His head was in his hands, his fingers through his hair. He let the curtain of bangs hide his face as she stared at the floor, elbows on his knees. "I don't know what I want. All I know is how I feel.." His heart shook, but he tried to speak as if they weren't there.
"I feel.. trapped. I ain't got a place I can be alone anymore.. I asked you both to live with me cause I was scared if I didn't offer you all I had to give? You might.. you'd leave. I was terrified of bein' left all alone. But now I just feel... drained. Antsy. Scared. I was so scared of bein' lonely I ended up suffocating myself. I miss bein' alone, or havin' the option of bein' by myself. Or just... doin whatever without havin' to consider someone's feelings."
How did loving them become a burden? Why was their well being a strain on his energy? This wasn't right. He wasn't right. He was all wrong, and he didn't know himself anymore. Everything was difficult, scary and gruelling.
"I feel like I gave all of me away, and there's nothin' left for just me. I'm tired."
"I don't wanna kick neither of you out. But... I'm just not enough for you right now. Ain't enough of me to be what you both deserve."
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 8:38 pm
"Don't you ******** act like you know me." Maebe snapped out, unable to hold her tongue the way Cami had hoped she would. "I can hear it in your damn voice. You're going to try and blame all of this on me. Maybe I can forgive you. You don't ******** know that. This isn't about that." And it wasn't, just as he'd explained directly after. How could it be possible that even she saw him for what he was doing, but he couldn't?
"You think I don't understand what it's like to need some alone time? Why do you think it took me so long to give in and live up here? Where you asked me to live? If the only reason you wanted us here with you is because you were scared, then you are mean. And cruel. And all I am hearing is excuses."
She fell back, exhausted with all the energy she had to expend just to get her little rant out. She wanted to lie down and sleep, and never wake up again. Oh, God, that sounded so good right now.
"You're enough for us. You're not enough for yourself."
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 8:43 pm
When Cami had moved like a storm cloud out of the shared dorm to find Maebe and bring her upstairs so that she could work things out with Otto, she'd thought it had been their fight. She would referee, it would work out or it wouldn't, and things would shift. She could cope because Maebe still loved her (she thought), Otto still loved her (she thought), and...and...
Sitting on the floor listening to everything going on around her, Camille's shoulders began to shake. Everything about her trembled like a leaf in the wind as she tried to hold back. Her jaw was quivering like something was shaking her, face turning more and more red until she finally took a breath and it was harsh. Tearing. "Fine. That's just fine. I can...I can be packed and..." Break. Sobs tore out of her mouth as if they had been clawing their way out of her the whole time, her whole body curling into itself like she could somehow be safe that way.
She was never, never safe.
"I don't understand. You're everything to me. You're wonderful." Cami didn't have to specify who she was talking to. She was talking to them both. "What did I do? What didn't I do? What h-a-ppened?" Hands pressed against her mouth to muffle the pathetic sounds coming out of her mouth as she sobbed as if they had both reached in, grabbed her heart, and then shredded it between them.
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 9:06 pm
Every time Maebe spoke, he felt more like a villain. He was the bad guy, not the guy that had bad things happen. The more she spoke, the more bitter he became. He was bitter because she spoke too bluntly about his intentions. Because he didn't want it to be remotely correct. Excuses? His feelings, his true feelings were excuses?
He was angry. Tired. He hated himself more and more, but he hated the world the most.
But then Cami spoke, and everything shattered.
He wasn't mad at Cami. He didn't fight with her. But she was the one hurt. He'd managed to make her feel like she'd done something wrong, all because he felt different than they did. He existed; and because he did, he'd pulled these girls into his poisonous gravity. Why did he have to be so important to them? Why did the things he did hurt them so much?
He couldn't bear to hear her sob. His throat hurt and burned, and his nails dug into his scalp as he fought to keep his own sadness at bay. He had no right to cry. They were hurt, and his own heart and feelings didn't matter. Everything he said and did only brought pain now. He'd lured them in. He did this.
Sorry would never cut it.
"Why?" He asked through gritted teeth, "I am not ********' wonderful, and I'm ********' sorry either of you thought otherwise." He'd deceived them in the pursuit of happiness. He was a selfish monster.
"This is all my fault. And I can't make any ******** promises to make you feel better. Cami, you didn't ******** do anything wrong. Maebe didn't do anything wrong. And I'm ******** sick of makin' either of you upset."
He wished this wasn't his home. He wished he was the one getting kicked out.
"Don't ask me what you did or didn't do to come to this point. How should I know? I ain't blamin' you for nuthin." He wanted to run and escape. Leave for his training course for a while and come back later. But the problems wouldn't be gone.
Why was he everything to her? Or them? He was just one guy. A piss poor example of one at that. He started to despise that his life was tied to others. His heart was wrapped in their strings, their threads of love, and it tightened with every cry they made. Tightened, and made him bleed out inside.
Everything was muddled and complicated. All because he'd done something wrong. It spiraled into the chaos he saw now.
"I gave you my damned answer. I don't ******** hate either of you, but I need to be alone. Maebe, I'm sorry I made you come here. I'm sorry I dragged you here for my own ******** needs. I dunno what else to say about it. I thought I was doin' it for the both of us, but what do I ******** know."
He managed to turn his head toward Cami, but he couldn't bring himself to actually look at her. Only her feet.
"You don't gotta go right away. I'll ******** off somewhere. But I can't be with you guys right now. Not till I figure my s**t out."
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2015 9:23 pm
It was easy to forget that real people did not react to pain the way she did.
Maebe's anger fizzled when she heard Cami's shaky breath. Her attention became hyper focused on how the woman's world was crumbling around her, and it was all the fault of two bratty, selfish little children who didn't know how to think past their own needs and faults. Otto could only keep repeating that he couldn't be with them. It was all about what he needed. Maebe couldn't stop repelling the idea of love because she needed to be free. She couldn't accept pain as a part of life, anymore.
But Cami, the golden hearted thread that held them together, was crumbling down into something Maebe had no idea how to help, because she didn't understand it. She shuffled quickly over to the woman and wrapped her arms around her, trying to hold Cami against her body. She was sobbing, and breaking apart, and there was so much raw emotion flooding out of her. Maebe couldn't even comprehend how someone could feel that much, and live.
"No, no it's okay. You didn't do anything. This isn't about you. It's okay. He doesn't mean it. And I don't mean it. Listen - " She turned to Otto, wild eyed with desperation. "I totally forgive you for everything, Otto. Okay? I forgive you, and I'll still move out, and that's just fine. Don't kick Cami out. Please. Please don't do this."
She'd already known she couldn't live with Otto anymore. She'd never expected him to try and excise Cami out, as well. This felt like a nightmare, with no end in sight.
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2015 7:15 am
Maebe's pleas fell on deaf ears or, perhaps, just ears that were so full of Otto's internal noise that he couldn't make them out of the jumble. Dimly Cami registered that someone was holding her but her muscles were so stiff with trying to get control of herself, trying to stop the useless and pathetic sobbing that her mother would have slapped her for, that she couldn't lean in to that comfort. All of the progress she made was wiped out in an avalanche of Otto's need to be alone and Maebe's desire to wall herself away from pain.
Breaths shuddered in and out as she rubbed at the tears on her face. "I'll b-be out t-tonight." Into the basement, because she had nowhere else left to go. Mimsy had asked if she'd wanted her room when her elder sister had moved into town with her husband but Cami, happy and safe in her nest with Otto, had given up that haven. What would she need it for? Now she regretted it. Trust had been shattered, slammed to the ground in a tantrum, and the Sun Hunter was bleeding out all over the floor. A messy, messy business.
In a very pathetic, small voice she asked a single question. "Can I take a lamp with me? It's...dark. Down there." Where strange sounds and terrors lurked for those who were too scared to face them. She didn't even ask about her karaoke machine. Cami didn't feel much like singing and didn't think she would for a long time, anyway.
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2015 7:31 am
He'd just wanted to be alone. Why did it come to this? Why was everything falling apart in such a mess? He didn't want to kick Cami to the basement. He wasn't trying to keep his large apartment to himself so that they would end up miserable. He just wanted space. He wanted to be at peace. He wasn't even seeking happiness anymore. He just wanted rest from all of this.
He looked at Maebe now, freeing his fingers from the tangles in his hair. Cami was just that important. Maebe was willing to sacrifice her own anger for her. Otto hadn't been willing to sacrifice anything.
"You don't gotta forgive me. And Cami don't gotta leave." He mumbled, slumping back into the couch. Fine. So be it. He'd let these girls decide what was best for him. He wouldn't try and fix himself. He wouldn't try and let his mind rest from the rampant chaos it had swirled into. If trying to do what was right for himself ended with tears and heart break of innocent girls, then he had no right. Otto could do not right, not for them or himself. Everything he said. Everything he did. He hated the world as much as he hated himself right then.
Weight seemed to cloud over his senses, numbing his nerves and discord. What was the sense is caring so much anymore? All he wanted at that moment was to find a dark corner to hide in, and cover his ears with headphones blasting heavy metal until he was lulled into sleep.
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2015 11:31 am
Maebe was getting frantic, her body was shaking even as she held Cami in her arms. She couldn't take the mental anguish involved with this conversation. She couldn't handle that it was Cami who was suddenly being hurt the most. She needed everything to stop, stop, stop. "No, shh, stop that. See now? He's not asking you to leave. You're not going anywhere. This is your home, Cami. This is your home just as much as it is his, and he knows that. He just - he wants time, but he doesn't want to lose you. He loves you, okay? He loves you." Not her. Just Cami. For the moment, she could admit that without it hurting. Because he had to keep loving Cami. Or she would kill him."So stop talking about leaving, or I'm going to get very angry. Everything is all right. I'm just going to be in my room, but I'm not leaving either. Okay? You see how everything is all right now? Everything is just the way it has to be. No one's really leaving anywhere." Nothing was all right. And no matter who lived where, it felt like everyone had already checked out, regardless. The castle she tried so desperately to rebuild had already been washed away. She was just refusing to see it.
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2015 11:53 am
Leaning over Cami's tear-salted lips pressed softly to Maebe's cheek. "Love you, Maebe baby." It was a quiet, raw statement but it was all she could manage in that moment. She wanted to laugh and hug her girlfriend close, tell her with a teasing confidence that she wasn't going anywhere, but she couldn't. It was impossible. She was moving out because Otto wanted his space. Because Otto wasn't sure what he wanted anymore but neither girl seemed to be a part of it. Maybe she could explain it later but right now it was all she could do to push herself to stand on shaking legs.
"Otto." She started, breathing hitched, and she took a second to gather herself. "Take all the time you need, okay? I love you." And she did. She did so much that it felt like dying to walk away but she had to because she knew that's what he needed right now. Never mind that Cami had her own pride and owed it to herself to walk away. If Otto wanted her here he would have to tell her so. He would have to tell her he loved her, that he wanted her here living with him, but Maebe couldn't do it for him. Cami wouldn't let him hide that way.
No matter how much it hurt she had to do this. Maybe one day everything would be okay but she couldn't stay here now. Looking at Maebe but not quite seeing her she asked a painful question. "Can you help me gather my things? You don't have to, if it's hard for you, I can do it on my own. It would just go faster with four hands." And perhaps she would do something other than collapse in the bed that wasn't hers any longer, clinging like the ship was sinking and she wasn't going to let go, Jack.
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2015 12:10 pm
No.. she was really leaving?
He felt a hole begin to bore through his heart. He looked up at her, blue eyes staring hopelessly as Cami braved through her pain. He wanted time, but he didn't want this. He didn't want this pain.
His eyes didn't leave her, even as she asked Maebe for help moving her things. Guilt never hurt like this before.
Maebe and Otto were a bitter couple, but no one was more important and special as Cami was. They both knew that.
He wanted to tell her to stay, just to make her stop hurting. But, he still hadn't figured out what he truly wanted. What he really truly needed. It should be Cami, and it should be love and companionship. But everything he'd always believed SHOULD be had ended up wrong. Having an ideal domestic life or ideal self. Someone he should be, something he should satisfy him. Should was a horrible word. It implied there was a foggy law that was in place, a plan or... something.
Otto stopped looking at Cami. He wanted to cry, but he didn't want to cry in front of them. They were the ones who were hurt. They were innocent in all of this. He had no right to feel what he felt, no right to a nice home with a domestic relationship. He didn't even know if he wanted it. Maybe he'd only told himself he wanted it to come off as normal, because a normal man would want these things.
He couldn't even tell her to take anything she wanted, because it would be the same as telling her to get out. That would make him even meaner, crueller. Because all he cared about was making sure he was seen as a good man. But he wasn't.
Otto got up, rubbing desperately at his temples as he turned to walk away. He needed not to cry, he needed not to feel, and he needed not to be there.
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