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You know what pisses me off?

Teachers that use different terms to teach you then they put on the test. Also, things that they put on the test that they told you SPECIFICALLY not to study. I don't CARE if it's an 'IB' exam. IF YOU DON'T GIVE US THE FREAKING NAME, DON"T FREAKING PUT IT ON THE TEST!

If you're going to refer to a wave as 'erect' for the entire 3 weeks that you teach this unit, DON'T PUT THE WORD 'UPRIGHT' ON THE TEST! DAMNIT! IT'S SO FREAKING ANNOYING!

Use. The. Same. Terms. IB exams my a**. The only benefit is that we get our mark adjusted. I would've gotten a MUCH BETTER MARK if you had put the stuff that you told us to study ON THE TEST and taken off the stuff that we DIDN'T LEARN.

*fumes*

I'd never thought I'd wish that I had the balls to cry in front of a class of nearly thirty people my age. But I wanted to cry without feeling so stupid for doing so. But then again, people probably wouldn't have blamed me.

In fourth mod, today, in Modern American History, I felt like crying.

Allow me to elaborate.

We were watching a video, that was previously aired on HBO, about the 9/11 incident. Videos, photos, witness accounts, interviews, the whole nine yards.

I, for the duration of this video, felt so petty. All of the little things I've ever complained about I feel so petty for. Here were this people choking back tears, showing the word how they've lost a loved one or their entire family because of one group's hatred.

The last thing I can remember crying about was some fight about my grades with my parents. I'm thankful, now, that I have parents to fight with about my grades, instead of none at all. I'm thankful, now, that I'm here and able to fight with my parents. And I'm sure they're thankful that I'm here and able to fight with them instead of dead and merely a memory.

I think now that perhaps I'll be a better person, at least for awhile. I didn't laugh until a half hour after that video, and that was because I was with my friends and didn't want them to know how sad I was. But even then I still talked about it, and didn't joke. I'm just glad the class had the respect to be silent during the film. Not one soul laughed. We hardly fidgeted. I can remember only whispering to one girl beside me where I was that day. I was on the brink of tears. To hear such loss and to know what I trifle about on a daily basis.

It makes me thankful. No matter how much I fight with my parents, my mother and my father, I am still thankful that they are here and here for me when I need them most.

I think the film might have been the best think that has happened to me in awhile. It made me realize how much people have lost and are able to go on with their lives. I wish I could see a bit or piece of that film each time I'm about to complain about something, and maybe I'd think twice about complaining, and possibly be happier, that I'm better off than some people, or rather that I'm lucky.

It might sound a bit grim to some people, that last remark, but it makes a difference in life. Maybe I'll be more appreciative of what I'm given, what I take for granted. I hope I will. If I don't, I'm sure something will come along to humble me yet again.

But as of right now, I think that I'm going to reflect for a very, very long time and see just how I can say my thanks to my parents... For being there for me, always. How grateful I am, you know? It might sound mushy, but it made me realize that this life I'm in is fragile. It should be treasured.

*cracks knuckles* All right. This is my rant. And don't worry, I have several in this one post. It will be put into small font so I can still have the satisfaction of readin it and at the same time it will not take up a whole page on its own. Yay...rants. whee

RANT NUMBER ONE.

Alright, well I had this friend see? Now, let's say her name is 5 because I don't exactly feel like disclosing her name and nor do I want anyone (although I highly doubt you know me or her) to be able to identify her. But then again, this is the internet and you can never be all too safe with anything you decide to post on it. But anyway, moving on.

Alright, so it was grade nine and it was our first year of highschool. Neither of us knew the other by any previous experience, and what would you know there it was. Instant friendship. I don't even know how it all happened, it just sort of...did. Like a snowball effect, if you will. So perhaps by five months later, we were the best of friends. La dee da.

Now, please not THIS. I NEVER, NOT ONCE, NEVER WOULD HAVE IN A MILLION YEARS, said that I was better than her at anything. I, IN FACT, always downplayed myself or my accomplishments, because that's the sort of person I am. Now, in grade nine not much really ever mattered about this topic. But then came grade 10 (oh yeah) where it sort of did. At first, it was just the slight and off hand comment of how 5 would say how much smarter than her I was, how pretty I was, how talented I was, how I had guys hanging off of me and she didn't, how I was so wise and everything. This wasn't butt kissing, since it only happened like, once in or twice a month.

BUT.

Then, towards the end of grade 10 it became more and more constant. I didn't really know what to say, so I always disagreed with her and pointed out areas where I believed she was better off than I was. I don't know if that was the right move, but what else could I do? She had gotten to the point where she was saying how my future had so many open doors and the world was my oyster, where she would list everything that I was good at and basically admire me. Now, I was the one trying to say that it was nothing, that it didn't mean anything, and otherwise try to tell her that she was much better than me in other aspects, but I doubt she ever saw her own worth, which is actually really sad.

Now, that was all in summer and every summer she's always busy, so we spent quite a bit of time away from eachother. But, no sweat. We were like, the BEST of friends. Seriously, not even kidding. I don't even know how to describe how good of friends we were.

When she had to rant about something, she would always come to me for help. I always gave it to her, and what would you know it always worked. If she needed some one to bail her out, I would be the one bailing her out. She kind of has an issue as well where she and a guy five years older than us are going out against her mothers wishes. When those two wanted to get together, who had to cover their asses?

That's right. ME.

Now, I never said a word about this. I was HAPPY to do these thigns for her. Alright, I pretty much spoiled her as a friend. I don't PMS. I'm sorry if that sounds like a bitchy thing for a girl to say, but it's true. I also don't run to other people for help with my s**t. I help myself. That's the sort of person I am, I've been told I'm highly independant. So, basically, I was her shoulder to lean on. Damn, I babied her like a MOTHER ******** I ever ask for anythign in return? NO. What did I gain out of our relationship? NOTHING. Did she buy things for me? Heh, no. She did on occassion when I had done some serious a** saving, but then again that was on her own voalition and I had never asked for any of it. So, basically, I saved her and her school life, I saved her and her family life, I saved her and her love life, yeah. I was miracle whip.

Now, I don't really know what went wrong. I don't know why she started looking up to me so much, why she started doing all that crazy worshipping. I hated it. I told her that, and in the end she never really stopped. By the time the end of summer had rolled around school was going on, and since we had nothing in common we had chosen different coursers, meaning that I wouldn't see her throughout the whole school year. Things in our relationship were feeling weird and different at that point, but I hadn't said anything. I mean, I thought we would be friends forever. I thought our friendship could take anything. I didn't want to let her know that I was secretly having some doubts about how it was all going to work out.

Anyway, school started and I think we were trying desperately to hold on to the friendship we had come to know and love from years before. So, it eventually came to she, me, a mutual friend and her brother all going out for a little outing after school. I said I would meet up with them later on, because another friend of mine had invited me out to dinner. (no, he is not interested in me)

Now. 5 had heard me speak badly about this male friend long ago in the past. Thing is, while 5 is the kind of person who opens up to people and lets those people know everything and anythign about her, I'm not. I'm the kind of person where you can be my friend for several, several, several years, and you won't know a thing about me at the end of it. You may know some little, trivial nuances, but you won't actually know ME. It's a bad habit, I suppose, but there's nothing to be done about it since I can't actually change myself overnight.

Now, about the male friend.

See, the only reason why he and I had become friends was because he liked this older girl (who is now attending University), who shares the same ethnicity as me. I knew from the very beginning that the only reason why he ever spoke to me was so that he could get in good with the girl and her family, and ultimately date her. I was the only one who knew about his crush, and I would listen to him for hours on end ranting about his feelings for her and basically be his love-aid. We never really did anythign else. Now, I took this invitation to dinner as his way of saying thanks for a long year and more for listening to him and helping him out with his girl problems. Again, not my fault.

So, wouldn't you know it when I told 5 about it she didn't seem to be all too concerned about it. But when my male friend and I were out dinering and he had bought me a little ice cream thing, there 5 was with the two others that I was supposed to meet up with after the dinner. Now, I'm not stupid. I would bet any money that it was 5 who had steered the conversation into coaxing them to come with her while she spied on me and my male friend. But I played it cool, I didn't do anything really mean. I just smiled, offered them my icecream, and we started talking.

Now, after that later on at night when we had all gone home and blah, I was on msn while I was most likely role playing. Oh, wait. See, the way I had gotten home was because 5's older boyfriend had given me a ride home. Well, dropped me off at home before giving 5 a ride home. Now see, 5's boyfriend and I are good friends. When I saw him, I had gone and run to give him a hug, he offered to buy me a drink (and again, this isn't my fault) and I said no, since I didn't want 5 to get any more jealous then she already is. (She's a very jealous person). So, anyway when I was on msn, wouldn't you know it 5 suddenly got online. I didn't really start a conversation since I was busy, but she started one with me. You know what she said?!!?!?!?!?!

OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE BLOODY HELL SHE DARED TO ******** TELL ME!

"I think you're using your male friend. I know you don't like him as a friend, but that doesn't mean you should just use him to get whatever you want. You shouldn't use people the way you use them, it's not fair and it's just a bitchy thing to do."

EXCUSE ME?

EXCUSE ME?!

DID SHE JUST TELL ME I WAS USING PEOPLE? DID SHE JUST ACCUSE ME OF BEING THE BITCHY ONE? DID SHE USE ME FOR HER EVERY SINGLY NEED? DID SHE COME CRYING TO ME WITH ALL HER PROBLEMS? DID SHE USE ME TO COVER HER a** FOR EVERYTHING? DID SHE COME TO ME FOR HELP ON LIFE? DID SHE COME TO ME FOR HELP ON HOMEWORK?

SHE'S GETTING WHAT'S COMING TO HER!

So, basically, I told her calmly (seriously...not even kidding) that I wasn't using anyone. That yeah, my friend had treated me out to dinner but it was none of her business why (I didn't want to tell her about my friends girl problem) and that yeah, her boyfriend had offered to buy me a drink, but ultimately, it WASN'T MY FAULT. I KNEW that her addressing me like that had more to do than with my apparent problem of using people. I'm sorry if this sounds really self absorbed, but I also knew it was because she was jealous of me. (Or at least it really felt like it...after reading up on all this, I'm sure you've all formed your own opinions) I didn't say anything though, I just said that I didn't need to tell her everythign about me, that she didn't know what she was talking about, that I wasn't using anybody, and that she should just stay out of it. All rather politely, I might add. Then I went offline, because I didn't want to be on msn anymore where she or anyone else could instant message me.

Now, she took this as my blocking her. (The stupid self absorbed...) And sent me an e-mail, basically saying, yeah thanks for blocking me.

I said, yeah well you know what? I didn't but since you're so insistant on getting in on other peopels business, why don't you look at yours? I'm not the one with the using problem here, 5. You're the one who uses others for your sexual gratification and basically, to get anything YOU want. I never dained to point out all the times I could say she was using me, I decided I'd point out the ones that didn't concern anyone in her immidiate circle of friends.

Then, she got all sarcastic and was like,

"Yeah, ok so I used them, you happy?! You know what, if you're not even going to bother to talk things out like a normal, mature person would then just stop talking to me, I'm ******** sick of this. And you know what, how do I know that you're not using me, hmmm?"

Ok, YOU KNOW WHAT?!

SHE'S THE IMMATURE ONE!

I'm not even going to go into all the times she has proven this, but BELIEVE ME. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT WHEN I SAY SHE'S THE IMMATURE ONE OUT OF THE TWO OF US. AND HOW MANY TIMES HAD I JUST NOT WANTED TO TALKTO HER??! NOT TOO ******** MANY, AND IS IT THAT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT SOME PEOPLE JUST NEED SOME COOL DOWN TIME BEFORE THEY TALK THINGS THROUGH?! GAH!

NEVER MIND THE NERVE SHE HAD TO ACCUSE ME OF USING HER!

THAT WORTHLESS, INGRATEFUL, TWO FACED b***h!

So, basically I took her up on her offer. I said, yeah ok you know what I don't need this from you. I don't need to tell you anything or everything about my life and people that don't concern you, and it was fun while this all lasted. Good bye.

And that's how our friendship ended. Of course, when I had said good bye she seemed a little confused, but I think she has gotten the message when I say yeah, GOOD BYE.

*hyperventilates*

RANT NUMBER TWO

Ok, so apart from the determination that girls are stupid (or at least, when they're like good old 5 up there) this is the second rant, which basically.....is not so much a rant as a wondering whether or not things will ever look up in life.

Ok, so basically here's the deal. I know that there's somethign wrong with me. I know that in fact, there are many things wrong with me, BUT. The main thing that I will be adressing in this rant is the fact that I am as of now, fifteen years old and I have already lost faith in what the beauty of true love.

I know this sounds stupid, and I know nobody wants to hear about this, so by all means you can stop reading if you want. But, in my experience, there are three kinds of guys out there.

One, they're just horny and looking for a hole for the night. Or for multiple nights. I don't know. But I for one refuse to downgrade myself to that level.

There is the nice kind of guy, who, for one reason or other, is just plainly unattainable. That would be a dream come true, I guess, to be able to find love with one of those guys. But then again, it's not happening. So...moving on.

And the third guy. The gay ones. Damn them all.

Anyway, I am sort of aware of the fact that I am in posession of a high set of standards when it comes to guys. I want them to be good looking, in good shape, able to speak more than one language, I want them to be smart, I want them to have an idea of what they want to do in life, I want them to be kind, funny, caring, determined, goal orientated, charming, compassionate, respectful, playful, I have tons of qualities I would look for in a guy. I could get by if they only had one or two, but I'm just saying that's the general picture.

Now, I guess it's not fair to ask that of guys, but to be fair if I'm going to offer them everything that I have (and I've been told on more than one occassion it's quite a bit) I want 'quite a bit' in return. Is that so unfair to ask?

I would like to believe in love, I really would. I would love to believe that fairy tale endings exsist and that one day, despite all the pain and misery some how I'll find that man of my dreams and some how be whisked away into the sunset.

But who am I kidding?

From what I've seen there's no such thing as love in that light. I've been looking for that guy my whole life, believe it or not, and until I find him I don't think I can ever see my future. I can't see myself walking down that aisle until I actually meet him. I can't see myself buying a house or coming home until I meet him. If this sounds obsessive, I know it is but I can't help the fact tha deep down, I'm a hopeless romantic.

Now, what's the worst part about being like this?

The fact that I can't be.

The fact that everyone I know would simply laugh at me for being like this, for holding on to this little girls dream of the true love theory. The way I portray myself to the world and all those around me, I know that they would never see this as a part of me. I know that if I were to let this little secret of my heart out, that it would be met with ridicule and mockery. So what does that mean? That means I can't even go looking for 'the one'. That I have to play the passive role, because in the end, I'm just waiting for him to cross my way.

But what if he doesn't?

I know anyone who reads this will think I'm just being paranoid when I say that I have this deep down feeling I'm not going to live long in my life, but I'm not. I know it, so what if I never meet him? What if I never find love the way I want it to be? Before I go, I want to know what it woudl be like to have some one love me for ME. To know me, to understand me, and to accept it with both hands open. I'm not asking for a knight in shining armour mounted on a valiant steed, I'm more just looking for some oen I could run to when I need comfort, who would hold my hand and tell me, and mean it when they say everything will be alright.

Oh, I know it sounds soppy like hell but it's true...I dont' believe I'm asking for all too much in the romance department.

Nevertheless, I can't help but to realize that guys just don't seem to be attracted to me. Be it my personality, my clothes, my looks, I don't know. Something about me seems to not attract the males attention...and it seems sad to me, that if this keeps up I'll never find the one I'm looking for.

It's a rejected feeling, feeling as if you're unwanted or undesirable. In a sence it's good, so that I don't get used but still...it makes me doubt, if there will ever be anyone who will ever appreciate me for what I am...without me having to change.

Lol, this probably sounds so sad and pathetic to those who might be reading this, but then again this is a rant thread so I suppose that entitles me to say whatever I feel is important and elaborate it in good length.

I mean...love...is it really attainable in todays world? Where everything happens so fast and disappears in the blink of an eye? Where commericialism and materialism is the melody of todays society, and where corruption is where ever the eye may look?

Every time I look around and see any of my friends in relationships of that nature, I can't help but to be stricken by the fact that it seems all so...sexual. What happened to the significance of ones first kiss? WHat happened to the time when it meant the world to have your fingers laced in some one elses? What happened...

When I look aroudn and see what everyone else my age seems to be looking for, I also am hit with the realization that, in the end, it's all just sexual gratification. I for one, think that is disgusting. When I say I want to find some one, I mean that I want to find some one to share my life with. Maybe it's because I'm only fifteen that I haven't found anythign? I hope so, because if it's genuinely because of the way I am then I don't know what I'll do...it seems all so stupid, but at the same time it's so true....

I guess, in the end, I'm just scared that what I'm looking for doesn't exsist except for fiction and fantasy. Is that the case? Is the kind of love I'm looking for non-exsistential in todays society? Another part of this aspect of doubt is the problem that you'll never actually know until you find it, whether it exsists or not. Or, I guess, if you're not so lucky, when you die. Because I suppose, if you don't find this sort of love by the time you die, then I guess it doesn't exsist. How sad it must be, to die alone.

But, I wonder if there's anyone else who might read this who feels the same way I do? That love seems to be now, just a whimsical fancy that only the beautiful or otherwise physically attractive people by definition of todays society can indulge in? Does all loving relationship between one and their significant other have to involve those images of steamy sex that invade our every day lives by todays media, in order simply to sell a product?

I have also spoken to one sole person with whom I entrusted this secret of mine, and he basically laughed in my face and told me that the quality of being a hopeless romantic is a disease. I wonder if that's true? I hope not. I believe, if I could just look into the eyes of that theoretical 'one' for just one moment and feel the love I've been looking for my whole life then a lifetime spent searchign for him would have all been worth it. Does that seem so old fashioned and cheezy as to be deemed foolish and stuffy by todays society? I hope not. I feel there's a certain note of wholesomeness in some of the traditions that regard going about such things in life. Nothing like today where everything is fast and breakable. Something slow and permanent...well, that would be what I'm looking for I guess.

I mean...all around me, I'm sort of surrounded by guys right? And I'm thinking, although I am apparently in posession of a good deal of desirable qualities (this is what I've been told, I wouldn't say so otherwise) then why is it that even if I try, I can't seem to get a single one to pay me the slightest of attention? What's worse is when my female friends all think that I'm some sort of guy magnet. Really...I'm not. I haven't had a single boyfriend in my life. I've had promiscuous little adventures...of which I'm not proud of, because to be honest those were more like rape than anything else. But, to make my friends not worry about me I always lighten it all up saying how it was all just second nature and how I wanted to do it. HA. I wanted it as much as I would like to eat an unskinned cactus. I would have much rathered not to do a single thing in life with the wrong person and to simply wait to do everything with the right one. Plain and simple. So now, my friends think I can get any guy I want, that I have no problem with this materialistic superficial society, when in reality nothing could be less true.

So, I'm still sort of stuck wondering if the reason why I haven't been able to land a single guy is because I'm simply setting my standards to high, I'm not doing the right thing, I'm not trying hard enough, or if I'm simply not ready for it, or worse, I'm just not made for it. I guess that last one would be the worst out of the ones I listed.

If anyone else who may read this has a comment, or proof that true love exsists...send it over this way. Because I believe that's the one thing I truly want in this life, to find love and to love. The way that the fairy tales of our youth tell us we should, just without the drama and the excessively unrealistic bits.

I WANT THAT DAMNED GREEN MAGICIAN COAT IN THE DUREM DEPOT SHOPPISH THING BUT I'M ONLY 200G AWAY......................GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*sighs* And yet another quest is begun.....

Laurels.

9 000 G.

Everyone?

Wish me luck.

(warning: this is a post that got wildly out of control... If you read this, please note that some of my DEEPEST feelings are entombed here. Some may find them VERY DISTURBING and these musings may effect their judgement of me in the future. If you feel that you may be like this then please do not read. I have not gone into great detail but let it be said that I am not proud of some things I have done in the past. )

2k-style, I really wish I could give you some hope but I'm in just about the same boat as you. I've actually had so many bad expeiences involving sex that I think I fear it. Seriously, I accidently walked in on my friend when she was changing and even though she had just finished, I nearly cried because I was so ashamed that I'd almost seen her nude without her permission or prior knowledge.
I too keep wondering if there is any romance left in this world. None for me it would seem. All those I'm interested are either taken or don't share my feelings. Which is fine with me. I'm used to being single and I suppose I enjoy it. The best way to describe my mindset is that I have no sexual orientation. Sure I classify myself as straight because I have no desire to fornicate with men, but then my desire to have sexual relationships with women doesn't really exist either.
Most of my friends are women, and I have wanted to date many of them at one time or antoher but the thing is I like things just the way they are. I've been told I'm 'one of the girls' and this was a bit strange to me at first but then I realized it was true. I can't ever see myself making a move onany of my friends, mostly because I enjoy the relationships we have already.
Actually at this time I find myself a little disconserted with the female gender. At school I'm suddenly being considered, 'cool', 'adorable', and 'popular' , but I don't know why. Up until this year I was pretty much ignored. I haven't changed, not even my clothing has been updated, and yet the demeanor of those around me has been altered. I'm now some sort of hug magnet, and it makes me feel anxious and nervous, because there's too much physical contact going on. Which is wierd because I'm a hug-o-holic, but it's almost as if I was being kissed by a stranger. I don't care how beautiful they are, I do not wish to be kissed by someone I have not given permission. The thing is, if I tell them I don't wish to be touched so often I fear they will be offended. This hugging does no real harm, but it makes me uncomfortable. Before it was merel;y a sign of kinship, I'd hug people because we are friends, but now it's as if they want something more, or at least something else. Their touch brings unwanted conotations.
My ideal relationship would be to find someone I could talk to and someone who would share my interests. Hell, I'd need somebody who could pu up with my angsty rantings and my medicinally induced mood swings and energy bursts.
I suppose I fear letting others close because I fear myself. I've almost killed others with my bare hands. I don't mean some simple school yard skirmish. I literally held their life in my pulsing bare hands, and I looked into their eyes and I saw what I was doing. After seeing what I am I suppose I don't want other's to see. Not that they haven't already, for some already have. For that I should apologize to LOTD. I've always been ashamed of the darker part of myself and I consider you seeing me lose control so utterly in the same regard as public nudity.
I guess this has turned into a sort of angst fest, but I really had a lot to get out.
I've no slept right for the past month and as such I've had a lot of time to think. After some self examination I realized that I don't like sho I am deep inside and I don't know how to change. Can one really change the deepest inner workings of the pshyce? On the outside I appear an energetic roudy, but caring, person, but I fear that deep down I am a brooding, cold being. I'm afraid of who I am and I fear for others.....Is this normal at all?

Wow, uh.....This really isn't what I'd actually intended to post. It just sorta came out. Anybody who's read this; I pray you don't think less of me for my honesty....

Thanks, I guess I was just in one of my angsty / emo moods. ^_^ I'm all better now. Well, not really, but I am better. LOL Just one more wonderful side-effect of drug-induced sleep! cool