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Eco-friendly Shapeshifter
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 Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 3:33 pm
The writing is sloppy and sideways. Odd warps appear and the blue ink melds together. The first two sentences are scratched out and mostly illegible. The word 'die' seems to pop from the page.
I hate this. I don't want to do this. It's pointless. I'm pointless. What's the point? I hate this. I hate this. I ******** hate me and my life.
looked online, and there's like so many articles. all big and long. filled with ******** jargon out their assholes and its... i dunno anymre. whats the point? writing how i feel as if writing it makes it more real. it wont help me.
but they said that journaling helps so here i am broken and in need of something because im too chicken s**t to die, again, and too broken to get up and go, again. too this. too that. too s**t. too earnest. too loud. too.. too me. no one can love this. ******** i cant even love me.
I trusted him like a FOOL. WHAT'S WRNG WITH ME? I KNEW BETTER. I KNEW NOT TO DO THIS TO LET HIM IN AND I ********... I...
The rest of the page, the words written, are a blur. Some words stand out. Love. Hate. Sad. Cry
this isn't working. im going to go drink.
((note: spelling mistakes are on purpose))
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Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 4:14 pm
This page isn't as warped, but the writing is still messy. The top of the page has been encroached upon by drawings of what might be a ghastly and a haunter. There's also a cute little chibi of what could be Akira
After I drank and woke up, I felt a little better. nah, i felt like s**t, but yknow maybe this could work? i dunno. still feels stupid. im the only one reading this. why does this even matter?
i told him things about me that i never tell people. bout being a kid. all that crap. and then he...
i don't get it! WHY!? WHY? Why why why why why why why why why?! Why the ******** would he it doesnt make anysense. i thought... i thought...
i thought wrong. i trusted someone and i shouldnt have and i... ********. ******** ******** ********.
i hate him. i hate him so much. i hope he does. i hope he dies so slowly and painfully.Why would he abandon me like this? Just leave rooms after a fight we had.
A large portion of the page is smudged, smeared and blurred around the edges.
He's the only thing keeping me sane right now. texting and calling him. but im so sick. everything about me is sick. i'm ruined a mess and he just... what he hell is it he sees? im worthless. god.
i get to see him soon. thank god. ha... god.
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Eco-friendly Shapeshifter
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Eco-friendly Shapeshifter
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Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 4:43 pm
This journal takes place after [insert rp] (rp is not quite finished) here. The page is filled with small, cramped hand writing. No pictures or smears adorn the page.
He didn't just leave cause we fought. he left after he said that. that i enjoyed being abused as a kid.
i did trust him too much, but now knowing this it makes it all the more worse. and now he's threatening Akira too. the one person who has given me love and support. the person who makes me feel ridiculously happy.
izaya why did you do this to me?? why did you hurt me so abd cause i was getting too close? you said something so disgusting to me. so painful.
i fought through my darkness fo you, to try and save.. protect you and in the end, you... you used the things i trusted you to hold as weapons. you ******** destroyed me cause cause cause why? you could?
then you left. you left me here and i... i told Akira i wouldn't drink and id face it, but now im alone. im alone again in a half empty room where the silence is killing me and so much is between me and the one thing that makes my life worth living.
i just want to drink. to drink and forget to keep running from my past and now to run from you. to ignore it all. i dont want to deal with this. im so weak and patehic. i cry so much now like a ******** puss and i... god my Akira, how the ******** do you see anything at all in me? i'm nothing. just a slip. a mistake.
no one ever really wanted me. i was an accident or a mistake or you know? maybe i was violence? i dunno anything about my bio mom or dad. was she raped? am i a product of violence? haha that'd be ironic, wouldn't it?????
im so sorry Akira. im so so so sorry. i need to forget tonight. i need the help. i need it. im so sorry. im so sorry.
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Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 4:51 pm
This Journal takes place during the meta mission, on the rocket sub. The handwritten is shaky in spaces
my head hurts so bad anymore. its a chore to write this. i miss him deeply, like in my bones. you know you read stuff about love sicknesses how you like, don't wanna eat or sleep and yeah. that's what is happening now. i just want me Akira. but here i am on a sub.
and subs suck. like a lot. they're cramped and i hurt from hunching over going through the doors. first day on this ******** and i run smack dab into a goddamn wall. yeah. like a boss.
the headache leaves on occasion but chriss almighty it hurts dude. ugh.
i took this mission to get away from the room, from the memory, but its here too. its just in me. i close my eyes and i see izaya and it is so tiring. the headache makes me weak and cause im sleeping near others its almost always dark. ******** nightmares nightly. most of them are about izaya. him saying those things. replaying the scene in my mind over and over until im sure im going to lose my sanity.
the nice thing is when the headache is strong i can sleep through the nightmares...
Akira i miss you.
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Eco-friendly Shapeshifter
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Eco-friendly Shapeshifter
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Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 5:05 pm
After an absence of smudged pages and blurred lines, this entry brings them back with vengeance.
okay so like, a lot has happened. a lot a lot. i got back from the mission and then I could speak to Manny. I mean I know he's still using his like, uh, ghastly speech? but i can understand him completely! its rad as ******** talked a long time. i told him more about me and he listened. i even cried more. hah. but it was nice. manny is really a sweetheart. i love my little buddy. he says he is going to check in on celty when he can. i forgot, i can probably talk to her too!!
i thought a lot about stuff after the mission. i thought about how much Akira meant to me and how thi stuff with Izaya really wrecked me. the more i think about it, the less it hurts. im anaylzing it now and i think i got... i got too close to him. he has this wall inside of himself. well multiple walls. like a video game! level one is easy as ******** cause he wants you there. level two is more difficult and it requires persistence and time. but what i was doing was like level five s**t. i wanted past all the pomp and circumstance bull crap he threw at others. i wanted to see him, like the real him... the guy who had comforted me and would play with me, but...
i think i pushed too hard and he got scared. so he did what he did and shoved me away. and doing that he utilized the one thing he knew would break me. it hurts to think about it, but at the same time im pissed... something he said, made a lot of sense.
why don't i get rid of my past? what's there that i am holding on to? the pain? the misery? Is it because my life has been defined by that label of broken and abused?
but ********, i got into the rockets to start over! and what did I do? I gave myself my teenage nickname and latched onto the one guy who showed me i could go back to being the same worthless punk i was in highschool.
Large blotches mix and smear the blue ink. It's impossible to read some sections. Words like deserve, second chance, love, happiness, all pop from the page
im going to do it. im tired of my past haunting me. when i can, i'm going to see if i can change my codename to phoenix. I know it's cliche as ********, but it fits and i... i want to embody it. The bird that never dies. Who gets back up and keeps fighting. that's who i wanna be in my life.
for myself. for Akira. I gotta be strong for Akira. He needs me and I need him. but ontop of that I just... I love him. If I'm strong enough for me, I can be strong enough for him. and that means...
I gotta face Iza.. I have to because I understand it now. I think I do at last... and.... His birthday is coming up. I can...I can make this work maybe. Not gonna run anymore. im gonna fight for him. for me. for Akira. im gonna do this.
I get to go on a date with 'Kira again soon. super stoked.
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