|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 2:28 pm
"Uh... I think so? If not, then they've at least made out, as far as I've been led to believe." But he was fairly sure they'd done some kinky girl sex. Tweets spoke wonders, and Maebe had hinted at it several times. He was about 90% certain.
"Why you askin'?"
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 2:30 pm
Relationships were well and truly baffling.
He sighed, leaning back on the stool, looking away with a frown.
"I am thinking, sometimes. About the value of friendship, how it compare to value of romantic relationship. The difference that sex make between people, if it does. Is hard to be quantifying. Everything different, nothing consistent. Sex is everything between America and Obadiah, and maybe more, but then America and Maebe have sex, and there is friendship but not more. Is hard to, hm. Fill in blanks."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 2:36 pm
"Um.. I think it's cause people don't really fall into moulds. Like... no two relationships are the same, even if they got the same title." Otto murmured, fidgeting with the hem of his top. Avoiding eye contact.
"And I guess it's chemistry. Taym and America have a different dynamic than say.. America and Maebe." Geez, Maebe really did get around. He tried not to let it get him down. She herself told him he wasn't just another notch on her belt, right?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 2:57 pm
"Inconvenient." Kostya pursed his lips, as though variables in human behaviour were enough to personally offend his good sensibilities.
"You are right," he said, clapping Otto firmly on the back, unintentionally with more force than strictly necessary. "It just never stop being difficult, to have closeness of dating but not the sexual. For America, she will have sex vith vhat she please, and I am glad. Could ******** entire world and she still be the same to me. Just hard, to not compare between other relationships to us."
Friendship just wasn't a strong enough word.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 3:08 pm
Otto grunted, catching himself on the counter from falling out of his stool. Kostya was a bit much sometimes.
"Are you jealous she has other partners?" Otto asked, cracking his back rightly into shape. "Cause like, I get kinda butt hurt that Maebe has a bunch of lovers. Thing is, I don't get a right to be jealous. Nothing is stopping me from sleeping around but my own insecurities. I have it in my head that I can only have one partner at any given time, even though I don't have an issue with anyone else doing it." And that he feared the scrutiny of such a life style. He was already thought of as some sort of male floozy, as far as he could tell. Why he let it bother him, he wasn't sure. He decided for himself he was unliveable anyway. Why worry about people thinking him as trash?
But Kostya was different. From what he knew, the man was a lot less into things of a sexual nature.
"I think it's more like the grass is greener on their side, or you want what you don't got. Like you're missin' out?" He rubbed his neck, wondering if the language barrier was keeping him from understanding Kostya's dilemna.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 3:48 pm
Oops. He forgot that Otto was a bit on the fragile side.
"No," Kostya said, "no matter who they are, it vill not be the same." It was confident, and even though he'd been in a fury last night, he could state it in confidence now. He was valuable. He was her choice. They were not perfect, but troubles were something to be worked through.
"I know it does not mean anything, since is in your head, but I don't think having more than vun partner is any big deal. A good thing about Deus Ex is that a lot of custom from culture goes avay. In Russian, homosexuality support is count as propoganda, and is illegal. Vas not vhen I vas there, but is that vay now." He shrugged. "Vhen I vas in Army, somevun who vas out as gay gets beaten. Is not accept at all. Abomination. But on Island-- except Rep-- most people are accepting? I think, ability to have more than vun partner, also a similar thing. Not same level, but is sort of old superstition, da?"
He hated talking so much, sometimes, because it was often an incomprehensible mess.
"Hmm. Maybe. America and I talk-- she not like that vork is something she cannot give to me, and I not like that sex is something I cannot give to her. I vant to vant, but cannot. I am interest, though, lately. Maybe I just do not know if I enjoy. Am intending to go off-island to learn."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 4:02 pm
Otto nodded. Maybe he was being over sensitive. Rep's opinions were so loud it often felt like the echo of the whole island. Why he was letting one man make him feel so much shame was ludicrous.
"You're... gunna go off island.... to experiment with... sex." Otto rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I mean, all the power to you, I guess. But if you want my opinion? I think doing it with someone you know and trust is way more fulfilling." He spoke from the heart, which of course made the boy a little flustered. "You seem to love America, from the way you talk about her and all. So like.. who better to teach you than her? It'll be awkward as Hell, no joke. My first time was just embarrassing. But that's kind of the point. You're allowed to do embarrassing things with people you trust. They're less likely to throw you under the bus, yanno?"
Opening himself up was difficult enough as it was. But getting naked with someone was a whole other leap and bound that terrified him unless he felt completely comfortable and at ease.
"I avoided giving in to Maebe's advances for a long time. Mostly cause I was with someone each time she did it. But also cause I didn't wanna sleep with her just cause she was allowing it. Like.. would it make me shallow or something to do it just cause she's hot and willing? But eventually I caved, and after that I made it some kinda mission to make her mean more than just some girl I went to bed with. I felt bad just for that too. I think I made her really uncomfortable a few times."
But for some reason, she now seemed to be weak in her own right. Moments of uncertainty, or insecurity.
"When I'm with her and Cami, I don't get any of these worries. I just feel right. But when they're not around, I question everything that makes up our relationship."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 5:46 pm
Kostya let Otto talk, accepting his advice. "I understand. I vill get lot of help from America, but I think easier if no stakes involved. But, as you say, vould allow to be awkward and embarrassing. I vill think more on it and ask vhat she think."
She'd probably have a better idea on how to approach the...situation...he would likely encounter with any potential partners anyway.
"I see. You have noble heart, Otto." He poked right where it would be beneath the blond's shirt, although with not quite as much force as the back-pat, lest he send Otto flying backwards on accident. "Most of time, vith America, everything is easy until it is not. Got very upset because of misunderstanding. Ve talk it out, but it is easy to be all smooth until is a disaster."
Kostya grimaced. "Sometime I get very mad. But, most of time, it feel right too. I understand the qvestioning, though. How vould be different if ve did have sex? Is it missing thing, like Rep say? Am I broken for not vanting?"
What a mess.
"I think, maybe reason vhy I qvestion, sometime, even if I know our friendship is strong, is because of past. Maybe you too. Vorry for..." What was a delicate way to put it? "be left alone. It vould be hard, I think, to go back to be alone after knowing vhat is like to be vith someone who understand me."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 5:55 pm
Otto was glad his advice helped. It just seemed terrifying and impersonal to go to complete strangers for it. Or maybe it was that wall of impersonal that made it easier.
Otto took the compliment in stride, never having much to say when he received one. Luckily for him, the Russian didn't jab a hole through his chest with his light poking. Noble, huh? That was kind of nice.
"Honestly, if in the end you still don't want it? Then just don't. It's brave to try something you ain't certain about, and all for you friend." Anything Rep had to say was stupid anyway. he both condoned and sung the praises of sexual relationships all the time. He was a walking contradiction, and horrible frustrating to understand.
"You're right." Otto murmured with a short nod. "More than anything, I worry about getting left by myself. I tried to convince myself for ages that I didn't need anyone. And maybe after a while I could exist on my own. But.. I'm stronger and happier when I have friends and loved ones. It's just equally dangerous. I'm always scared I'll say or do something that will make them hate me, or make them wanna leave."
"I don't wanna start all over again."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 6:30 pm
"It's hard to explain," Kostya said. "Is more like, I think, I don't vant. But it is not like I do not vant. It is just an empty desire; like void. Ambivalent?" He really needed to work on expanding his vocabulary. "It is just important to many, I think I vant to try. To see, you know? To me, is like if I like to dance or like vater slide. An activity. I think that I do not have that level of emotion put vith it, is vhat make different for me than others."
Hmm. It was pleasant, to talk to Otto about this. He was earnestly honest, and full of a lot of turmoil, too. Kostya was glad that he'd found people in his life, especially after the devastation of Nevada's loss.
"I did very fine on own, but..." Kostya sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "Vell. I have need to take care of people. To be prepare." Watching after the clones had certainly been reminiscent of caring after a listless Mimsy, especially with their aversion to bathing. "Help give me purpose. I like that very much. I think is good to understand vhat ve vant in life, and just...go for it." He pushed at the air in front of him in a pantomime. "Otto, it is statistically prove that people very fond of you. Have many endearing traits, even if you are as some call 'a little s**t'. Harrison tell me, that I am leash to America. It complicate her freedom, but I think, it also make us stronger. To fight for someone to come home to-- or come home vith-- it is being vorth the risk."
"Ve are hunter, but ve are people, too."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 6:41 pm
So unlike Otto, sex for Kostya seemed more like exercise. Like swimming, running or even drumming. An activity. Where as Otto took it so personally in comparison. He was starting to understand.
Otto was also starting to understand and accept that, yes, people actually did like him. He wasn't always sure why. He often made up reasons that degraded his own worth. Bit by bit, he was willing to accept that just maybe? He was actually a good and decent person. Maybe. He got through life striving to be half decent, believing he was nothing but s**t.
Which, in turn, made him smirk and give a short laugh when Kostya referred to him as 'a little s**t'. That suited him well. He agreed.
"I think if we lost what humanity makes us people, we'd no longer have the right to fight as a hunter. We'd be no better than monsters or horsemen." The monsters that were born of fear and pain; driven by power and tyranny. Humans did these things too, but to him, that was the line that caused said humans to no longer be considered people.
"Waking up every morning here can be really hard. Sometimes all I wanna do is sleep and never wake up. Having someone there to wake up with me makes mornings.... bearable."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 7:44 pm
Kostya agreed with Otto, except they probably had different definitions of what "humanity" was. At what point did you stop being human? Lack of emotion, of morals? Of efficiency? It was a big question mark, and while he would call Mimsy a monster, it was a more nebulous distinction to make.
"I think so too," he agreed. "I think I know this feeling too. Do you get feeling from both Cami and Maebe?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 8:05 pm
"Usually with Cami, cause she's always there. I mean, she lives with me." Even if she wasn't in his bed. Although on nights when they were sad or scared, one of them was usually crawling into the other's bed.
"With Maebe, it's different. Still a motivation to be up, for sure. Although sometimes when I wake up and she's still there, I just wanna stay there a little longer. But like..." Otto frowned, or would have if his face didn't always look perturbed. "Normally, or well... in my history of the like.. two other women I slept with... I was in love with them. And I'm worried that I'm mistaking my feels for Maebe as love, when it might not be."
"I don't want to hurt her or lead her on, even if we started this whole thing on the basis it wasn't gunna be complicated."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 8:40 pm
It was like Otto was taking two halves of dating one person and splitting them between two people; affectionate towards both but neither quite filling the entire "perfect" soul mate role. Or at least, that's what it was right now, and maybe that was okay too. It was a bit of a relief, in some ways, to know that the parallel of America:Kostya::Otto:Cami existed.
"I do not think you need to have love to have sex vith anyone, and probably are vise to be cautious. From vhat I understand, sex alter brain chemistry. I think not lock yourself into it. Maybe right to falter vhen I ask vhat she is-- label are convenient but like you say, nothing always fit."
Kostya nodded again. Otto was, probably, one of the truest good people on the island. "Is because things change. It complicated now, da? But complicate is maybe not so bad. Is opposite of simple, of shallow. It mean depth to relationship beyond vhat is one dimensional."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 8:58 pm
"You're right. And I get it. I guess making the actual switch in my head is just a lot harder than being reasonable about it." His archaic ideals really didn't fit with his open minded attempts at a progressive point of view. Life was not black and white, and he knew that. It wasn't even greys. It was a complicated spectrum of colours he'd never fully understand. He needed to stop trying to find his specific colour in the thousand and millions that existed in order to label it.
"So.... it's okay that it's complicated?" Otto's eyes lidded as he gazed absently past Kostya. "Feeing bad about this or that... it don't really mean I'm guilty over something..? And more that I uh.. grah." Otto ruffled his own hair.
"Whatever. I'll try not to beat myself up over the little things too much, I guess."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
