I lost my job because someone I worked with couldn't figure out how to act like an f***ing adult and own up to their own mistake. Instead, she decided to try and get out of the whole situation by blaming it on me. Nevermind that I wasn't even THERE when the whole clusterf**k happened, but I guess that's not important. Let's blame it on the new gal, that should work. And then, instead of trying to figure out the truth of what happened, or to check the facts, or in fact to do anything REMOTELY related to doing his job, my supervisor takes her word for it. I get fired. I'm so pissed I can't even begin to describe it. emotion_bigvein
Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 6:59 pm
LaLuneSerene
I lost my job because someone I worked with couldn't figure out how to act like an f***ing adult and own up to their own mistake. Instead, she decided to try and get out of the whole situation by blaming it on me. Nevermind that I wasn't even THERE when the whole clusterf**k happened, but I guess that's not important. Let's blame it on the new gal, that should work. And then, instead of trying to figure out the truth of what happened, or to check the facts, or in fact to do anything REMOTELY related to doing his job, my supervisor takes her word for it. I get fired. I'm so pissed I can't even begin to describe it. emotion_bigvein
I lost my job because someone I worked with couldn't figure out how to act like an f***ing adult and own up to their own mistake. Instead, she decided to try and get out of the whole situation by blaming it on me. Nevermind that I wasn't even THERE when the whole clusterf**k happened, but I guess that's not important. Let's blame it on the new gal, that should work. And then, instead of trying to figure out the truth of what happened, or to check the facts, or in fact to do anything REMOTELY related to doing his job, my supervisor takes her word for it. I get fired. I'm so pissed I can't even begin to describe it. emotion_bigvein
THAT B*TCH screamscreamscreamscreamscream
One day, she'll run out of people to blame.
It was my own Horrible Terrible Very Bad No Good Day
Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 10:07 am
The only time I feel alone is when there are other people with me. It never bothered me that I was physically alone on a room, I just realize I'm alone when there's someone with me.
When my week old kitty was attacked by my dog, I just saved it, saw it coughed blood and put it in a corner. I expected it to die after a few minutes. Even readied the earth and a container to put it. It was easy for me to give up on other people's life. It does bother me a lot that I can't sympathize well. So... foreign to feel human affection. The last person I saw die in front of me was an end stage renal disorder patient, we stared eye to eye until she had her last breathe and her eyes dilated. I was, the last face she ever saw. But I never felt anything from it. No remorse. No sadness. Just nothing.
I would end up encountering a really funny joke but a reflexive laugh would be absent. I do think the joke was funny, I just.. couldn't find any sense laughing.
I never knew how to cry until I was four years old. My parents would lash their belts, spank and even broke a clothes hanger for discipline but never have I cried for the pain. I only learned how to cry because I saw children around or on television cry when they get punished. It even scares me that I lived without emotion. It's like I exchanged emotion for more logic analysis, intelligence and pattern recognition.
Well, in a serious note, I understand what you're feeling. You didn't ask for advise, but if there's anything useful I can say to you is this: Go to a doctor and get mental health help.
Long gone are the times when that sentence was meant as an insult, and nowadays is the best advice you can get. And the best decision you can make for yourself.
Without emotions and shiny words, here's the truth: you see commonly how people's organs malfunction, for whatever reason. Like people with diabetes, their pancreas just won't work the way they are supposed to. The same thing is happening to your brain whenever you feel suicidal.
Does that make you inferior to anybody else? ******** no, we see people with diabetes living around us, just like normal people, they just need to take some meds for it, and help their bodies with adequate food. Same thing with the brain.
The natural instinct is to live, to survive the odds. It is engraved in every living thing. It is in yourself too. Whenever you have thoughts that are the contrary to that instinct, it's a symptom that your brain is not working in the way it's supposed to.
You might feel very lucid and like you see things clearly, but trust me, so does the people that follow a weird religious cult. So, ******** plans, ******** the future, forget meaning, stop worrying about any other problem for a little bit, only concentrate in this one thing: Go to a doctor, mention your depression, get mental health help.
Please do it. Please, it's worth it. You don't have to live in misery. It might look like it, but you don't.
Source: I have an average arrange of mental health issues, under control thanks to medications. It hasn't been easy, I'm not ridiculously happy all the time, but I feel normal. It's totally worth it.
Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 8:26 pm
Okami Ameras
It is a precious experience to realize it's never too late to start again. It helps you see your own resilience. You can't go back in time, but you can always start again, from zero, and build a new life. I admire that you are trying that for yourself. Stay strong, you're going just great heart
I just quoted you in the post I made about mental health help. But I don't want you to feel that I did it out of laziness, I did read your post and I understand your situation is very specific. I still back up my advise about going to a doctor.
We have been told, and drilled in our brains over and over again, that the only way to succeed or the easier way to succeed is going through college and getting a degree. It almost looks like there's just one way to get to the destination. Well, that's not truth.
There are many ways to reach your dream. No matter what it is. There's always a different way. These are just words from a stranger, but I hope you really read them out loud and feel their truth.
Go to the doctor, and I promise you'll start seeing the different paths to get there. I'm not promising something easy or short, but trust me, you'll get there through the path you're meant to walk, and you will feel proud of every step of it. Just go to the doctor, mention your depression, and get mental health.
I know, having a low income, who has money for doctors uh? If you're in the US there's some affordable options for mental health, google it, or let me know if you need help finding something in your area.
Do it! Everything will fall into place after that 3nodding
Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 8:47 pm
MaclauMo
Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I did take the time to quickly read them, and I understand the advice yer saying. I think I'd try to say more, but I don't really have much to comment on. But I do appreciate yer thoughtfulness, to say the least. heart
I came here feeling overwhelmed about the guild, and pretty much about my life. The guild reflects a little of my existence; so many ideas, some resources, good intentions, but my crippling mental health issues keep me stuck. I feel like I'm making excuses, I feel disappointed at myself.
But hey, the beautiful thing about life is that it keeps going. The world keeps turning even when I sometimes feels like this is the last day I'm alive. I just need to take a deep breath, step out of my little mind, see everything from above, realize my problems aren't so big, take another deep breath, give myself some love, and just keep going.
Tomorrow WILL be a better day. Just give it a chance to happen. heart
Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2014 8:06 pm
I'm on the verge of a serious break-up with my current lady. The reason? I feel like our relationship's been going way too fast, and any reasonable attempt to slow it down has been met with some strong resistance on both of our parts, in one way or another.
She got pregnant a few months ago, and I've been struggling to keep my head on straight, from stress and financial struggling. I've suggested that we consider Abortion for the time being, until things become more feasible to have a kid, but she's responded with ultimatums. She has quite literally said that she can't live with the idea of aborting a fetus, and she'd rather die along with it. We've also fought about money problems, and jobs, which doesn't help my stress.
Currently, whenever I get upset, the last thing I want is to be social, or to be affectionate. So if I have an argument with someone, and I'm visibly upset, the last thing I need is to cuddle, kiss, or have sex. My girlfriend has been kinda really lonely, as she's claimed, and wanted to do those exact things. And yet I kinda want to be left alone, and she gets upset and emotional, and it makes me feel worse as a person.
I think I also may have mental issues. I'm not totally sure, but my mood will rapidly change during the course of the day, and I still strongly consider suicide these days. Not as much as I did back when I wrote that post, but I almost tried to end my life one night, a few weeks ago. I was feeling really suicidal, and considered filling up the bathtub full of water, and electrical products. Just to electrocute myself and end it once and for all.
So I'm nearly in tears because I just feel so silly.. I end up making so many of my friends angry when I think they're angry with me, there have been events in my past that cause me to feel great levels of anxiety when my friends are upset with me, one occurance would be a very close friend of mine completing cutting off all ties with me for reasons that I don't know. I hate the thought of being alone, it scares me, the things I think about when I'm lonely I don't want to think about them ever again, but then I'll get confused when talking to someone or I'll space out in the middle of a conversation and before I know it someone says something that leads me to think that they're mad at me. In person it's not so bad because I can apologize and I know they're listening.. when I'm online chatting with them and I start to think I upset them, and I apologize and they don't say anything I start to feel really anxious, thinking they're going to log off and I'll never talk to them again. It's probably a really silly thing to be so worried or worked up over, but after 30 minutes of absolute silence and no message and no indication that they're idle I don't know what to think and I'm shaking.. I actually feel kind of pathetic now that I've typed all that out.. sweatdrop
Posted: Tue May 06, 2014 10:42 am
I have this dream girl. She lives in my dreams and only there. What she looks like? fair skin, korean eyes, long black silky hair, red lips, smooth skin. Wears a long white dress and carries a bloody axe.
What does she do on my dreams? kills me. Only one incident where I heard her say why "You met new friends and forgot about me." Her first appearance after years of being forgotten.
How does she appear? When I dream, I dream of stuff unrelated to her. There would be times when I'm running only to met her on a blind turn and get chopped by an axe. There would be times when I just sit on a dream drinking coffee and when I turn my head only to see her slashing the axe. Every dream ends with her being randomly killing me without warning. I'm used to it.
I asked about her identity? seriously who does that? turns out I did have an imaginary friend and I did forgot about what or who they were. My parents only say I talked to a girl with a white dress as an imaginary friend, never said why I brought it up.
That's my dream girl. Wish I can talk to her but I usually forget when she comes. The last dream I had is when I found her at the foot of my bed and biting my right leg. I woke up and felt pain right where she bit me on the dream. Silly girl.
I don't know whether I'm over worrying or not. We have been in a bit of a finacial hole for quiet some time. It started when I first got back together with him; we broke up for about a year and then I contacted him again and we went on a date and I realized that I still loved him and that he still loved me, and we were even more well matched for each other than we were before the break up. That was 5 years ago, and we've been happily married for 4 years now. But when I first moved in with him, money was not an issue. I grew up in a household where there wasn't a ton of money for the things that weren't necessities. We did get a lot of nice things, but it was fully understood that we needed to be smart with our money. I moved in with my husband and we got a dog, a lovesac (basically a giant memory foam bag chair thing with faux mink fur cover, needless to say we dropped $1k on it) went out to dinner a lot and threw money around like it was nothing. It didn't last extremely long, he was just very happy that i was with him again and wanted to spoil me. About a year after we got married and I moved in with him, we were looking to buy a house. I didn't have a job and his job was enough to support both of us. Then he lost that job. They fired him because he was using 'unauthorized programs' during work, which was stupid because he was using things like aol and such to troubleshoot customer problems. He worked at verizon wireless and customers would call in telling him what was wrong, and he had to check whether it was the program or the network causing the issue. So, our lease on the apartment was about to expire, and we couldn't buy or rent a house like we had planned, so we had 2 options. We could either move in with his parents in Virginia, or move in with my grandma. I had never lived outside of New Jersey before then, but we picked to move in with his parents. I. Was. Devastated. I knew it had to be done, but moving out of the state I had grown up in for 19 years, away from all of my family, away from everything I had ever known. Well, during this time we had to rely on my husband's credit card for funds until he got a new job. We moved and within about 6 months he got a new job, so everything was ok again. We decided that we were going to invite a friend to stay with us, and the three of us would look for an apartment together and that the friend would get a job and pay his share and we would be able to accelerate from an apartment to a house in no time. We also had to get a new car, because ours wasn't passing inspection due to rust damage, and we did not have the money to fix it. My husband had to close his 401k and use all of that money to get a car. Later on we found out that the money we took out was taxable because we did not label it as 'transportation requirement' or whatever when we took it out, so we owed about $1k in taxes that we didn't have at the time. Somehow this got resolved but I don't know how because I don't take care of the finances. We lived with my husband's parents for 2 years, the roommate lived there for less than a year, then we moved into an apartment because my in laws were moving as well. After a few months in the apartment, we were tight financially because our roommate had still not gotten a job. We had to kick him out finally. I still did not have a job, which was ok because I had to stay home and take care of the dog, cat and chores. After a little less than a year in the new apartment, my husband decided that he needed a new job that paid better and had more opportunity. He found one quickly and was able to switch jobs, but while the job paid more, he had to travel 2 hours up and down a mountain every 4 days to get to said job (so 4 hours of his day was spent on the road alone), so money remained tight. He decided that we should move closer to his job, and started saving up what he could. Now throughout all this time, he has been slowly juggling credit card debt and paying them off one by one. He had paid off all but one by this time, that one credit card being the one that we used when he lost his job. While saving up for the move, a little less than a month before the move, the credit card company left a court notice on our door. we had to fish $3,000 out of our asses and pay it off or else my husband was going to get fined and possibly go to jail. There went all the money we were saving up for the move and then some. My husband had to start relying on payday and car title loans, which he had started a couple months back to help save up for the move, as well as pay off the other debts. So we ran out of money to buy moving supplies like tape and boxes and stuff, so had to shove a lot of our stuff in plastic garbage bags, we had to leave the couch and stuff behind because we ran out of room in the truck as well as time because we only had one day to pack the truck and get out of our apartment. We're here now and it's getting better very very slowly, but at the same time it's not. We owe money for the title loan as well as multiple other loans, we have no money for the start up fee to get our trash picked up, we have no money at the very moment and we're running out of proteins and filling food (cuz while we have a ton of pasta, man cannot live on pasta alone) and I currently have a job that is ok but not amazing. I work as a cam model. My body type is average, which is starting to appear to be a huge disadvantage for me. I'm not a BBW (big beautiful woman) so guys who like that body type would rather go somewhere else, and I'm not skinny or 'fit'. I have a bit of a belly which I get complements as well as rude remarks on. (I had someone tell me to moo like a cow and shake my fat around, needless to say that some comments grind my nerves a bit) I'm losing confidence in myself because I'm not making enough to even get paid weekly on one site, and the other site I'm doing ok but I can't seem to get past the 'ok' mark. I'm not really great at doing makeup, in fact I hate makeup. I have some stretch marks, which luckily the white balance on my cam hide them, but if I take picture of myself I need to airbrush them out. All around I'm just kinda 'average', but when I have someone take me private I can do an awesome job. The problem is no one knows that except the guys who dare to take me private, and there's no real way to tell people how good I am or show them how good I am without giving myself away for free. Also, $50 every 2 weeks is not going to help much. I want to get out of this hole already and I'm just not sure how to help anymore. I'm trying my best but I'm terrified that my best will never be good enough. I want to work out a lose weight to get me on at least one side of the desirable line, but I'm terrified to try because I have it stuck in my head that no matter how hard I try I'll always fail. It's like that with everything honestly. No matter what I do, i am always scared that I'll fail in the end, so it's hard to get the motivation to try because I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to fail, I don't want to try and put effort into something that will never turn out. ugh there's just too much on my mind right now. I want to go swimming but we don't have a pool or money to buy a $3 day pool pass x.x; I want a ******** drink... oh right no money to get one. Coffee? Nope, don't have milk or creamer or the money to get any. I've been craving a vanilla coke for a while now and no money to get one. I get antsy when I'm stressed, and look to physical comforts, like food and going out and spending money, but we have no money to spend so it's stressing me out even more. gonk
Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:39 pm
MaclauMo
I have an average arrange of mental health issues
I just have to say that I am happy with the way you worded that. I hate the term 'mental illness'. There are no mental 'illnesses'. A improper level of chemicals in the brain is not an 'illness' or 'disorder'. At least I don't like those words. To me those words imply that there is something wrong, that it's something that is unnatural. Everyone has different chemical levels, and it's not 'wrong' if you have lower chemical levels then other people, and a lot of minor chemical imbalances can even be addressed with different foods, vitamins, exercise, and small tweaks to your day to day activity. I feel that too many people are on medication for things that can be addressed in a more natural way. Am I saying that everyone can stop taking meds and that they can fix everything by changing their diet? No, I'm not, but I do think that some people can help their imbalances through ways other than medication. I actually found out that my body does not make a lot of natural nicotine. This isn't because I was a smoker, because I wasn't. It might be because I was introduced to second hand smoke and that my mother was a smoker. Either way, I am a lot calmer and can think a lot more clearly when I have a hit off my ecig, and I don't need to do it often either, maybe once every two to three days and it keeps me a lot more emotionally and mentally balanced. I also found out that when I exercise I feel a lot better overall. And I don't know how this turned into a rant sweatdrop
I'm very torn between keeping my level-up thread open or permanently closing it.
On one hand, I love to help people who are genuinely interested in Alchemy but have a hard time funding it. On the other hand, I absolutely cannot stand half of the newbies who come into Alchemy right now. They're everywhere, asking for free handouts. The fact that they can't even be bothered to read any of the guides bother me so much. I don't mind giving advise for some of the trickier levels like in the 3-5 range, but now I see people constantly asking "what's easiest formula at level 1 plz help." I keep thinking "NO! GO READ A DAMN GUIDE! It's not that hard!"
And then there are the other beggars who start working on one of the harder formulas to level up. I don't fault them for taking a hard formula...God knows I did more than my share of those plowing my way to level 10. But if you pick a hard formula, at least have the backbone to not BEG for a component! I just...UGH!!!! I still can't believe that someone begged me for a component that costs 66k on the MP or is FREE if he just went to play zOMG for a few hours!!!
I've also planned to make a thread that lists how to get from levels 1-10 using almost all Cache components. It's mostly because I'm just sick of answering the same questions, but the cynical part of me thinks that those same beggars and lazy people won't read that guide. I mean, why read a guide when you can just sit on your a** and whine until someone answers your question?
I'm just so sick of these people. They're ruining a good thing...
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