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 Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 12:50 am
Getting pelted with a wadded up piece of paper... hadn't really been what he had been expecting, and he only stared at Stormy, blinking. Then again, he did expect her to be sort of mad. Maybe it'd make him feel better, because wasn't that what he wanted? He didn't want people's concern, didn't want their sympathy or pity. Their trust? He certainly hasn't earned that either.
And then when she started speaking in Spanish, he frowned, wondering when exactly he had told her he understood Spanish. Hadn't she... spoken Spanish too back in the desert? It wasn't... as good as a native speaker, and his speech was sub-par, but... he listened quietly, regardless, and let out a sigh.
"I don't deserve your trust." he mumbled. "I did nothing to deserve it."
And then his voice got even lower, mumbling in bits of broken Spanish and English.
[I don't deserve to live. I-] "I kill-". His voice shuddered. "I should have died back then, but-" [But they saved me. They died in my place.]
His expression grew pained, distant, and settled for just responding in English. Trying to think up the words hurt his head.
"I thought by becoming a hunter, I could make up for my past sins, fighting mankind, saving the world, stuff that... that person would have wanted, but now..." he sighed. "Now, I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. What is my reason for living. I should have died back then, I don't deserve to live. I don't do anything but cause pain to those around me."
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 1:14 am
She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it and mused some more. While she didn't know Jake very well, it was obvious she had touched a nerve--a memory more like--and that she had to proceed delicately onwards. Especially given his low self-worth being shown.
She regretted the paperball outburst almost immediately.
< < Is it wrong to show anger now? > >
It's wrong to lash out.
"I'm sensing there's more than one problem at work here," Stormy said after a moment, studying Jake. "So I'll try to tackle them one at a time with you, okay? Things are always easier if you go a step at a time--better to climb stairs than to try and climb mountains."
She stood and took her chair with her, scooting so that she was no longer across from him but to his side. Once she sat down, Stormy tucked herself in, paused in thought, and leaned over.
She then proceeded to try and tweak his nose a little hard.
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 5:03 am
He rarely ever acted this way in front of anyone, let alone... well...
He wasn't even sure anymore. He had always tried his best to keep himself guarded, to not let his emotions show, or get the better of him, but this was the second time he had just completely broken down, all his vulnerabilities, weakness, shame, guilt laid out in the open. He had told himself no, this wouldn't happen anymore, that if anything, Sherry would be the only one to see him in such a broken and bitter state, but here he was, telling her even more than he had meant to and... oh geez, he only hoped he didn't start blubbering soon. This was such an embarrassment.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath, closing his eyes to calm himself down. Stormy didn't need this burden. No one else did. Other people had their own problems, and it was selfish and inconsiderate of him to go and dump it on someone else. Wasn't that... why he had pushed Sherry away, so she wouldn't deal with this person who was beyond hope? How could she be happy with him, when he himself didn't even like who he was? He was beyond saving. There wasn't anything left for him, and-
No. He wouldn't go through this again. He...
And then Stormy spoke again, and he frowned, already prepared to get up and leave.
"Stormy... this isn't your problem to deal with. It's mine, and I..."
He had said more than he should have, and Stormy hadn't asked him to come here so she could hear about his incompetence and-
... why was Stormy moving beside him?
He flinched when she reached out to tweak his nose, and let out a rush of air from his mouth, more in surprise than pain.
"... Stormee. Whad are you doeeng."
This was... kinda ridiculous.
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 11:03 am
"It doesn't hurt, does it?"
She had a serious look on.
"For the sake of the lesson, pretend it does, because I don't want to hurt people." She let his nose go. "Pain that's happened in the past is something that's very hard to let go of. It clings to you like a nasty cloak and can sometimes also feel like they're scars you can't get rid of, or dirt that doesn't come out of your skin. Or people whose voices cry out from beyond the veil of time and space of mistakes that you've made. What I did to your nose, that's in the past too. Are you going to dwell on the fact that it metaphorically hurts, or would you do something to make sure I didn't do it again?
"This is my first piece of advice for you, Jake: you can either run from the past or learn from it."
Stormy's expression softened a little again. "It's not my problem, but you still came, didn't you? Which tells me you want to talk to someone about it. And I want to help, because you're still my friend, Jake. That's what friends do: they're there whether it's rain or shine, with shovels for the snow just in case." She offered him a little smile. "Admitting you have issues is the first step towards fixing them, that much I know."
She paused, then reached out to touch Jake's arm gently. "Not being perfect isn't something to criticize yourself about," she told him earnestly. "It's honorable that you wanted to reform at Deus because of something in the past, but it's also not necessary to be shackled by it."
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 12:01 pm
After everything he'd been through, something like this had barely hurt, but he couldn't help but rub his nose when she let go.
"Of course not..." he mumbled, letting his hand drop to his lap. And then in a quieter voice. "Whatever you should do to me, I'll never hold a grudge against that." He hadn't wanted to bring it up, what she had done to him at the end of the mission. It wasn't her fault, and she had every right to be angry. He only wished that she had been just a bit stronger to see it through.
Well... he mainly came for the reason of needing to apologize to her, and... no. He did want to talk. He... really didn't have a lot of friends on Deus, and though he had tried to seclude himself, keep himself from being able to feel anymore or form bonds. If you lost something you didn't have, it hurt a lot less, didn't it? Yet he couldn't help but let out a small smile when Stormy called him her friend. It was... nice knowing that even after everything he did, she still considered him a friend.
He let out a shaky sigh, nodding.
"I know, but..." It was easy to say, letting go of the past, but a lot harder to do. Wasn't that why he still kept this name? Wasn't that why he still had this cross? It wasn't so easy to let go. He didn't want to forget. The happy and sad memories, joyful yet painful, he didn't want to forget any of it. If he did, what else would he have to hold onto? What if he repeated the same mistakes?
"But.. if I let go... I fear I may lose myself... more than I already have..."
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 12:40 pm
She tilted her head like a dog as he spoke, forming her answer bit by bit and choosing not to answer his first statement. It looked as though Jake was caught in a cycle she knew all too well, a whirlwind of what if's and why can't's and if only's. And she had to wonder if his partner could have helped more than she could, if he or she or it or they had the right words to say and she didn't. As calm as Stormy appeared, she was nervous about getting this wrong.
But she saw that little smile, and that gave her hope.
"I think...you are walking backwards," she said after a moment, and then nodded to herself at the image in her head. "Maybe there's a sunset of good memories you like to look back on. Maybe there's a gnarled tree rooted with disappointment and anger you wish could burn. Maybe there are small little oases of happy times amidst deserts of barren emotion, or maybe there are more things besides. I think you look back on what's already happened and you judge yourself by it, beauty and despair alike. You're still moving forward, but sometimes you stumble over something. And when you get back up and keep walking, you move around it and watch it cross your vision and think, 'Why couldn't I stop that? Why hadn't I seen it coming?', because it looks like something else you'd already passed by, and if you tried harder somehow you could have avoided it."
Or maybe none of that made sense.
Stormy shifted a bit in her seat, concerned for several different things at once. "I think," she continued in a gentle voice, "that you can turn around and walk forward and still feel that sunset of good memories at your back, without having to face every mistake to get to it. I don't think you're losing yourself so much as...wallowing in grief. And it's very easy to get caught like that because it's self-flagellating and makes you think pain is the only way to atone." Her hand was still on his arm, a lightweight curl of fingers.
She was reminded forcibly of Nevada and how she had taken Roland's hit thinking it somehow set the record straight. And it made her shiver.
"I'm tired of people bargaining with their lives and bodies," Stormy admitted with a concerned look. "You did it, Sherry did it, Gale did it...What makes you think dying is the only way to make things right? If you made mistakes, the only way to fix them, to protect people, to be a hero, is to live and work towards that. Dying means you want to give up, because you think the only meaning your life gives is to end it.
"And I'm telling you that that's wrong, Jake. Because I don't see bodies in uniforms, I see people. I see wonderful, complex people trying to make it in a place that isn't forgiving, trying to be the best of humanity even if they don't always act like it. And I want to hug them, give them awards, tell them that what they do means something no matter what some leader says..."
She was trembling a little, she noticed. So Stormy took a breath and exhaled slowly, her cheeks a little colored from having gone on one of her rants. "What I-I mean to say is, I would have been vey upset if you had died. And I know Sherry would be too." She would not speak for Gale because she didn't quote know how the two saw each other, but she knew the Lifer at least would be a hot button.
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 1:28 pm
Surprisingly, he did understand. Maybe it wasn't that surprising. He rather liked Stormy's look on things, and though it was... sometimes a bit different than being straight-forward, he found her little scenarios and analogies quite interesting, almost able to imagine watching the sunset, staring at knotted tree roots. It had all seemed... both real and surreal, and it helped him forget that for a moment, just for a moment, he was a hunter on Deus Ex, destined to fight and die to protect the world. Everything she said was but true. He wanted to hold on to the happy, and let go of the sad. To learn from them. To never repeat them again. But... humans weren't perfect, and neither was he. Mistakes were bound to happen, and this... he was afraid, afraid the repercussion would be more than he could bear.
And then she brought up the mission again and he ended letting out a scoff.
"A hero... I am anything but that." He tilted his head to look at Stormy, some sort of twisted smirk on his face. "Don't you think I fit the role of a villain better?" Heroes didn't carry scars all over their face and body, heroes didn't always screw up over and over again. Heroes were the people that everyone liked, everyone looked up to, while villains were shunned, ignored, considered the scum of society. Heroes got the girl, found that happy ending, and the villain? He... was not a hero. Not by a long shot.
When she mentioned Sherry, he froze, the pain in his chest came back, threatening to consume him. He had tried his best to forget her, to move on, but each time he did, it only made the memory more painful, and he hated himself for letting her go, but...
"... you're wrong." he managed to mumble, doing his best not to clutch at his chest, as the pain only grew worse. "She... I...I can't protect her. I can't... protect anyone. I can't stand seeing her cry over my injuries because I'm stupid and reckless, and I don't want her to offer her life in exchange for mine. I never... want to hear her say those words."
His voice came out tired and ragged as he contined to speak, trembling slightly. "I can't stand the thought of losing her... not that way. But I... I'm... weak, I can't..." He slumped over on the table, forehead hitting the surface.
"She would be better off without me. Everyone would."
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 2:09 pm
She dimmed at that twisted look, for a moment thinking it the real scar Jake carried, more prevalent than any marking visible on the skin: emotional always trumped physical in that regard. And it was like a little knife digging her her stomach to see him like this, to hear him debase himself repeatedly--this guy she had come to think of as tough, unafraid, unapologetic, and something of a loner, above all else stubborn to a fault.
Things always ached more when you started to care, though. Like water over rocks, they smoothed rough edges and poured into vulnerable spots you didn't think we're there.
Stormy was quiet for a few moments after Jake had slumped on the table, slowly forming her response in her head as she surveyed his tired form with a sad, sympathetic look. And then, trying to make as little noise as possible, she scooted her chair a little closer. "I don't think you're a villain," she said softly. "Villains don't bother reforming. They don't acknowledge what they're doing is hurting others, or if they do then they take pleasure in it. The facts that you came here wanting to help remake yourself and that you're sorry about what you've done already set you apart."
She paused again, then laid a hand on his back in what she hoped was a comforting manner. "I think you're more like the Beast. In your old life you had ups and downs, but you were accepted for who you were because you were part of something; maybe not royalty, but family, friends, things like that. Then you made one tragic mistake and your life changed drastically. Now you think you're cursed because of it, so you keep yourself locked up in a castle where no-one can see you, because who could ever learn to love a beast?
" You keep talking about yourself like you're just a worthless animal, but...I don't see it," she said with a weak smile, even if Jake couldn't look at her. "I remember a guy who laughed in the snow and gave a bow like a gentleman even when he won by a landslide. There's still happiness in there." She pat his back. "And I can't have been the only one who saw it. Sherry must have too. Isn't that why I always saw her with you?"
Something had definitely happened if the mere mention of her name made him look so frail...
"Can I ask if she's Belle in this story?"
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 2:46 pm
That was the image he wanted others to see him as, that he wasn't someone you messed with or bothered, someone you kept your distance from, but somewhere along the line... he messed up. He left himself vulnerable, opened himself up, and now... wasn't that why Sherry refused to let him be? Because she had caught a glimpse of who he once was, someone with weaknesses, someone vulnerable, with faults and emotions and... a normal human being, he supposed. Despite how hard he tried to keep up this mask, she had seen through the cracks, and now, others were too. He couldn't hide himself away anymore, couldn't pretend that nothing phased him. He wasn't sure if Deus was starting to make him more, or less human.
He had... never enjoyed hurting another. Poking fun at, maybe, irritating, sure, but flat out causing emotional or physical damage? It was something he tried his best to avoid, which was why when Ofelia tried to provoke him into knocking her out, he hated it. When his words seemed to hurt Sherry more than it should, he hated that too. But what could he do, what could he say? He was at a complete loss.
A sound rumbled in his throat when he felt her hand on his back, which might have sounded somewhat like a grunt, or groan, or... it was hard to tell, with his face against the table. The sound turned to somewhat of a choked laughter (it was kinda hard to laugh in this position) when she mentioned something about a beast. Was this... one of her Disney interpretations or something? Little fairytales... but... her description had seemed oddly quite accurate, he supposed.
"Of course," he chuckled. "Who could ever love a monster?" It turned into a frown as she described events he couldn't remember, or... no, Chester told him this, and he sat up, giving her a tired look.
"That... was probably when there was that JOY infestation on the island. I wasn't... acting like myself, and I can't remember what I've done." Perhaps this was why she saw him differently. "And... I don't know. I always thought she found some joy in pestering me, which was why she refused to leave me alone, but..." He really didn't know anymore.
"...Belle?" He arched an eyebrow at her. "I don't know, this is your story, not mine. But if my assumptions are correct, I would guess you'd say something about the two characters living in two separate worlds leading two completely different lives." Which... was why he couldn't be with Sherry. They were just too different.
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 3:03 pm
"It's still your story; I'm just trying to understand it in my own way." He hadn't told her to back off, so she kept her hand on him. Contact was something everyone craved at some point, right...? Frankly she just wanted to hug Jake, but she wanted to move one step at a time, like she said before.
"You're right in a way: Belle and the Beast did lead separate lives in the beginning. He kept himself in the castle and scared away anyone who drew near, she was a book lover who only wanted to be treated with respect instead of being seen as a marital object. And when their fates intertwined, they didn't like each other at first. He was too coarse and too angry, and she pestered him and asked too many questions. But overtime they started to learn about each other, and the more they did the less hostile they got--they became friends even," she added with a little smile. "And eventually friendship turned into something more; that was when the Beast got scared. He was afraid she wouldn't see past that gruff exterior, or that his manners disgusted her, and so he pushed her away before he fell apart. He didn't know Belle had already fallen in love, or how much it hurt her to be sent away; he had to force her out in tears before she'd leave. But all he could think about too was that he was just a monster, and that there was no way he could ever progress behind that."
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 4:22 pm
One day, he was going to watch this "Beauty and the Beast."
He listened quietly as she continued to explain the story, describing the lives of the two characters, and let out a bitter chuckle at some point. Hadn't he chastised Sherry for believing in fairy tales, thinking that a relationship between the two of them would have a happy ending? And here he was, having one explain his current situation.
Every word rang true, and he only remembered each time he kept pushing her away, the hurt and tears in her eyes, begging him to reconsider, asking him to give her a chance. It wasn't that he didn't want her, or that she wasn't good enough, but... he didn't need to tell himself this anymore, as the story had already spoken his inner thoughts.
"... How does the story end?"Ol-j-man Ahhhhhhhh good luck! (Or I hope it went well since I took forever slkdfjk)
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 5:03 pm
"Like any good story, it had a conflict and a climax," she answered with a little nod. "The villain, Gaston, wanted Belle only for himself because she refused to give into his charms. So when he heard that she had been visiting the Beast, he grew jealous and decided to gather a mob to march on the castle. The people had always been afraid of the Beast, so Gaston charmed them into thinking him the hero and the Beast a villain. There was a big battle where the villagers were confounded by the inhabitants of the castle, and in the mess Gaston slipped away to the upper floors where he found Beast.
"Beast was too depressed to fight at first because he regretted sending Belle away, but eventually he was forced to do it in self defense. It was a hard battle between Gaston's sword and Beasts's claws and teeth, and they ended up on the upper floor while a storm was raging. It was there Belle appeared, for she'd seen the mob and heard the news and was there to try and stop the fighting.
"Beast got a second wind and won the fight, but instead of killing Gaston, he spared his life; he was too happy to see Belle. When he had his back turned, Gaston pierced his back in vengeance--but the rain was coming down so hard he slipped and fell to his death afterwards.
"The Beast laid dying in Belle's arms, but his only thought was that she was safe, even though she was crying over him. There they finally told each other 'I love you', and she kissed him just as his heart stopped beating. And that love was so strong it broke the curse and brought him back to life, no longer a beast but a prince once more," she finished. Her throat was still hurting from her sick period, but Stormy gave Jake a hesitant smile and slid her hand off him.
"It might just be a fairytale, but it still teaches a valuable lesson: it doesn't matter what you think you are, because someone will always be there to accept you."
x[A.V.] it did i thinkkkkkk ho boy XD
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 6:30 pm
He listened quietly as she finished the story, making odd expressions here and there, and at the end, he only sat and stared at his hands, his gaze distant.
"I... suppose so..." he mumbled, still trying to recollect his thoughts. "Besides... I've learned a long time ago that the world doesn't work the same way that fairytales do. Of course, stories always cut off at the good end, letting the reader believe that the characters all live happily ever after, but I can't help but think this is only to mask over the darker truth."
He turned to face her, a sad smile on his face.
"I know what you're trying to say, that I shouldn't look down on myself, that despite what I think, someone will see the good in me." He sighed. "But it's still hard to grasp. Besides..." His eyes were downcast. "I've hurt her so much. I'm pretty sure she's learned by now that she won't be happy with someone like me, and even if I should ask, she'd be smart not to give me a second chance."
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 7:10 pm
That they did. And those were just the Disney ones. Not all fairytales had happy endings, this she knew. Some were purposefully constructed as cautionary tales. "Maybe. Maybe they got into big fights after the film stops rolling, maybe they can't decide if they want children or not, maybe one of them gets struck ill and dies. Those are all very real possibilities. But . . . do imaginary risks that haven't happened yet outweigh the happiness you'd have being with someone who likes you through it all, good or bad?" she asked.
Once more Stormy tilted her head. "Tell me about Sherry," she prompted after a moment. "I've only met her a few times, so maybe I don't know her like you do. I've seen those hurt looks especially on the mission in the desert with you, but she was there with you on the cruise, wasn't she."
That was technically a question, but not phrased as one.
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Posted: Mon Jun 24, 2013 7:39 pm
"I..."
He felt the more he tried to argue, the more he'd just repeat himself, and Stormy didn't look like she was willing to back down either.
"I guess so. Just... this whole setting seems really implausible for any kind of relationship to work out. Who knows when the next mission will be our last. Won't it hurt more to start something, only to have it end so abruptly?" His shoulders sagged, torn between wanting to keep her safe, and wanting to be with her. Both desires clashed with equal force, but after she had left, it only made him realize how much he missed her.
"Sherry..." Even saying her name was hard. "She's... kind to a fault, they type of person who just wants to help everyone, and..." he sighed. "She's just really nice, and caring, and even though I treated her like crap when we first met, she still chose to stuck by me. I thought she was just being annoying, trying to tick me off, but I guess after some time..." He placed his hands over his face. "I'm just... so... I don't even know when she started having those kinds of feelings. I'm so oblivious to everything." he groaned.
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![[A.V.]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/8d/f2/221070ca3ff28d_flip.png?t=1546143856_6.00_11&pl=15)
