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 Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 1:31 pm
The anger unravelled, the way it always did when someone faced it down with nothing but good intentions, like a kind hand through fear and neglect. He wished it wouldn't, he wished he could just maintain it, invincible and untouchable. The stiffness in his posture passed as he eyed Jordan.
"I'm not afraid of you." And it was the truth. "I've never been afraid of you, even when you are at your angriest." It was everyone else that was the problem, an entire world of people who wanted to hurt him and would gladly take away everything he loved and call it karma. He was terrified of the world and wanted to fortify himself against it, a fortress of other people's emotions held at ransom, hoarded sentimental objects, respect and fear. He wanted Al because he wanted tools to protect himself from the world, but explaining that was too hard to bear.
"It's everyone else."
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 1:38 pm
"I want you to take care of your things so you don't break them or lose them," Jordan said. Maybe if he phrased it like that, maybe it would get through. He held a hand out to Rep.
Maybe if he needed Rep enough, he'd be enough.
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 1:46 pm
And that - pared down to its most minimal - made sense, in the end he always broke or lost things, pinned them too hard or never hard enough. The only thing that was consistent was the guys, the only stability he had. He didn't obsess about losing them the way he did with his friends because there was no possibility of a world without them.
"I don't want to break or lose them either." he said, taking the offered hand. "But if I do, they were only things and things can be replaced. They weren't my people."
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 1:49 pm
"I want you to be careful," Jordan said quietly, pushing himself up off the couch and stepping in to wrap his arms around Rep's waist, put his head down on his shoulder. "I don't want to lose you because something pushed back too hard."
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 1:56 pm
The thought of someone pushing back too hard brought Sasha back to the front of his mind, the times when the "game" had gotten too vicious, too dangerous. It had almost killed him more than a few times. He needed to stop, wanted to stop, but he knew if he was faced with her tomorrow he'd make the same mistakes again.
Tracey spoke out of nowhere and rattled him deeply.
It was like someone had stabbed him and for a moment all he could do was hug Jordan. "Tracey says its like a drug." And it was harrowing how close to the bone it was, the elation, the feeling of control and power followed by the crash, the desperation, the mood slumps. He'd always wanted to just murder the dealers, take away all the drugs, free his mother. Was that how he was making the guys feel?
"I don't want to be her." he said, so quietly it might have been missed if Jordan wasn't so near.
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:07 pm
"I want you to be you. Not anyone else," Jordan answered, just as quietly.
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:33 pm
He twined his hands in Jordan's shirt with an edge of desperation. He didn't want to be anyone else either, especially not her. Maybe that was why for all the satisfaction of fighting with Sasha afterwards there was nothing but a sick hungover feeling, like the s**t that was leftover in a heroin addict's veins after the hit. Maybe being separated from her was what he needed, maybe hobbies like Al could be his methodone.
"I need you." he said, and that term being bound up with fear, amended it with, "I love you, I respect you, I want you. I don't want you to get hurt. So I think I need your help. And Ace's help. Help me keep this whatever he is. Minion. Pet. Project. So I don't need to think about her and the revenge I want to wreak."
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:39 pm
Jordan nodded a little. "Don't cut me out," he asked, and couldn't quite keep the pleading note out of his voice.
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:43 pm
"Never." he said. "If anything I want to share, like. A shared hobby. You asked me to include you, I want to. Like blue kingdom. Together."
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Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 2:46 pm
"Together," Jordan agreed, with an almost-silent sigh.
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