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 Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 10:53 pm
If it had been anyone else, he was sure he would be able to push through to his full temper... But this was Paris, and the look on his face and almost pleading tone to his voice leveled him faster than being hit by a truck.
"I... No! I didn't say I didn't want to do this!" he tried backpedaling, not wanting to make this escalate even more than it had. "I just... I don't want you being hurt more, staying at my house! If it keeps you from seeing other people or... trying to figure out what you want... I don't know... Billy said it was a mistake for me to send you to mom. Even though Michael said it would be better to keep you close since I don't want to lose you... but if it's hurting you, I... I don't want that, Paris!" he rambled, not really knowing what he was doing other than desperately trying to convince Paris that he didn't want to end his relationship with him completely.
"You're... I was the selfish one, keeping you close and in my own house... You have every right to date whoever you want, or... live wherever you want!" he said, doing his best to ignore the other people walking by them, trying to get to class or wherever they were going.
"Just... I don't want you upset..." Because he could tell that Paris was losing it... and the sight of tears in his eyes sent Chris into a bit of a panic.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:07 pm
Paris would have gone on to remind Chris that he hadn’t sent him to live in his house, that Paris had also been the one to suggest that—though, he had to admit, he’d sensed that coming at the time, too—but then Chris dropped a name into the conversation that Paris never, ever wanted to hear when he was arguing with his boyfriend about their relationship.
“Who said… you talked to… when did you…” he began, unable to come up with an appropriate question when there were too many wanting to be asked at once.
He almost hoped he hadn’t heard him right. It seemed pretty ridiculous to think of Chris having any sort of conversation about personal matters with one of the people in this world Paris found it most difficult to tolerate. It was hard enough getting Chris to talk about personal matters with him sometimes. Why would his boyfriend feel any need to open up to someone he barely even knew?
That hurt, much more than it should have, but there was too much there, too many feelings, and Paris had a hard time keeping it out of his voice.
“No,” he said, blinking back tears, “you don’t get to talk to Billy about me! You can be as friendly with him as you want, but you don’t get to… you don’t get to tell him about me and my feelings or you and me or anything that has to do with us!”
Chris could talk to his brother about it if he needed an ear. He could talk to his mother or his father or his best friend, but bringing it up with Billy was crossing a line Paris didn’t enjoy seeing the other side of.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:22 pm
Chris sputtered, not understanding why talking to Billy, or not talking to Billy, was so important to Paris. Why would it matter who he talked to?? He had given him enough to wake up and realize that he was being selfish, at least!
"Why??" he pushed, even though there was something inside him telling him to back off. "Why does it matter if I talk to Billy? I mean, I know you don't like the guy, but he was actually helping me out! I'm trying to figure thing out, Paris. I can't just sit around and not try and work it out!"
He knew Paris was getting upset, but he didn't know what he could do to settle him.
"You're not making any sense, Paris! You just said you don't bother me about who I date or whatever, so why should it matter if I talk to the guy Ladon is dating?? You talk to him, right?? You talk to Ross, so why not? He offered to listen and I don't know... it was just... it just happened, and I feel he was right about some things, so..."
So yeah... he felt really strange, seeing Paris about to burst into tears, practically yelling about some guy Paris didn't like in the least.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:30 pm
This wasn’t how this conversation should be going at all.
Paris didn’t even really want to have this conversation in the first place, but if they had to have it this was definitely not how it should be going. He tried to stop himself, tried to bottle it all in and keep himself from exploding, but Chris suddenly appearing had thrown him off guard and then Chris’s behavior toward Ross had fanned the annoyance.
He didn’t know what he was doing anymore. He was pretty sure he’d never known, just that he was too desperate to let go of something that constantly seemed as if it were on the verge of falling apart.
Just like everything else in his life, really.
He should back off. He should turn around before he said something he regretted, before he added another layer of s**t onto the pile they were already caving under. He shouldn’t have let himself get side-tracked. Who Chris chose to talk to wasn’t even what this was about. There were more important things they should be discussing, plenty more things that they should be working out that had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with an outside party.
But he was hurt and upset and angry, and the tears were blinding him and the pain inside made it difficult to really think, and before he knew it he was blurting out, “Because I slept with him!”
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:50 pm
Because I slept with him!
It rang in his ears, and any bit of arguing Chris would have done in his defense for talking to Billy was suddenly washed from his mind. Paris slept with... Billy? But he hated Billy... Or is that why...?
"You... what?" he asked, his voice sounding too quiet in his own ears. He didn't want to believe it but... that would make him such a hypocrite. He wasn't exactly a virgin when he and Paris started dating. Why would it matter if he slept with Billy of all people...? But... why??
"W-... when?" he tried, staring at Paris and trying not to make it seem as though he was blaming him for anything, but... he'd slept with Billy of all people?? "You... before we... right? Because he's dating Ladon... and..." No no no, Paris didn't sleep with Billy recently... that wouldn't make sense... he cared too much about him to sleep with someone else...
And then it dawned on him... His focus grew sharper and his eyes narrowed. "What did he do? Did he hurt you?"
This wasn't about him. How selfish he was to assume everything was about him. Paris had been the one to go through all the pain and the changes being forced on him. His relationship, or lack thereof, with Billy had to have stemmed from something in the past... right?? Or maybe he was just assuming and much too possessive for his own good?
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Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 9:09 am
“Of course he didn’t hurt me,” Paris replied, his voice still raised a bit too high for their surroundings.
Other people could probably hear. In fact, he was sure a few passersby were staring at them oddly, but it was difficult to make himself care about that. They should have taken this inside—or just not done it in the first place—or at least waited until they’d found a more private place, maybe even hashed it out over the phone once Paris got home. Instead they had this melodramatic encounter in the middle of campus.
Paris was shaking. A lot of it was fatigue. Some of it was the emotion behind the argument. If he’d been in a more rational state of mind he wouldn’t have even brought this up. Chris didn’t really need to know. All Chris needed to know about the time before him was that there’d been many people who hadn’t meant anything, all of which had disinterested Paris soon after they’d begun dating. It’d disinterested him since. There wasn’t any point in looking back on it, especially not when it involved someone they’d both spent time around.
‘Hurt’ was a relative term in this case. The incident currently up for discussion hadn’t hurt him any more than any other before or after it had. There were hard feelings because of what had followed.
“It was almost two years ago,” he said, “before I even met you, before he and Ladon even started dating. We were both at Hillworth. I was bored so I invited him back to my room. He isn’t any different from any other loser I’d been with, except that soon after he somehow got together with my best friend. In the end all any of it did was make me feel as worthless as all the others did, but maybe they’re the ones who’ve got it right.”
His face felt hot, but he couldn’t tell if it was because of the angry color that had suffused it or if the tears had finally begun to spill over. He brought a hand up to scrub at one of his cheeks and ended up wiping some moisture away.
Damn it, he couldn’t even get through this without crying. What the hell was wrong with him?
“Naturally I only have myself to blame for everything.”
About then… about now…
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Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 9:20 am
"Paris..." he said quietly, as if that would somehow distract him from being so upset. He felt like he had jumped in too fast and assumed too much. At least he was relieved to hear that he wouldn't have to beat the snot out of Billy whenever they crossed paths again... No, this was just one of those times his and Paris's actions had lead to much more down the road when Ladon was thrown into the mix...
Chris stared at Paris, feeling like he really didn't know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, but was he really pushing it when Paris had shrugged him off before...?
He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly as he took a step forward to try to collect Paris in his arms. He wanted to hold him and make the rest of the world disappear for a while... Was that too much to ask?
"You're not worthless, Paris," he said softly, his voice now lowered and embarrassed about his accusations and earlier jealousy. "I don't think you're worthless... You mean a lot to me, more than anyone before..." Even with his best friends like Zia and Daniel, there was something about Paris that made knowing him so much more special.
"It's not your fault for everything... I... I'm sorry I was being a p***k... You're right, I was jealous... I guess I'm not as good at dealing with independence as I thought I'd be," he admitted with a small, sad smile, hoping to somehow distract Paris so he would stop crying. There was only so much he could think to do. "I don't know what happened back then, other than what you told me... but I'm willing to take at least half the blame for all the s**t going on, now..."
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Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 9:47 am
He wanted to ask “If I mean more to you than anyone else, why are you doing this to me?” but he knew better than the try.
He didn’t want to know the hows and the whys. He suspected Chris didn’t even have the answer, and that made everything all the more frustrating for both of them, because Paris certainly couldn’t tell Chris what the answer was and Chris couldn’t force an answer that didn’t exist. How much longer would it be before something actually happened, before this impasse was over and the scales tipped one way or the other? It had already been too long. Perhaps if everything in his life hadn’t decided to take a fall all at once, Paris would have been able to handle this one problem better.
Instead it was crushing him. Everything was. He felt cornered and suffocated and out of control, and he wanted it back, damn it.
He wanted it back.
Paris let Chris hold him against his better judgment, if only to hide his face from passing students. He pressed his face into Chris shoulder for a minute, maybe two, and let himself feel warm and comforted until his brain felt the need to remind him that nothing had really been settled and until it was this would only continue to happen over and over again.
“You can’t talk to him about me,” he mumbled quietly, his voice thick and wet.
Why did his head feel so light? Why was it so hard to breathe?
Not long after, Paris forced himself to pull away, wiping at his face again and swaying slightly on the spot, but he managed to stay on his feet and ignored the sudden bout of dizziness for a time.
“I want to go home,” he said, without the energy to shout or argue anymore. “I’m gonna have Ross take me.”
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Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 3:44 pm
There were too many things going on for him to really understand his own feelings in this situation. The fact that he had only been in one other relationship weighed heavily on his mind. He and Skye didn't last... Why should he expect this... thing... with Paris to? He knew what he wanted, but he also knew that he was young, Paris was young. And the chance of them living through this war was, sadly, undetermined but not in their favor.
Maybe if they were older, wiser, and there was no war to worry about then maybe things would be easier to figure out. Maybe he wouldn't be searching hopelessly in the dark, trying to figure something out that he might already know, but is too scared to believe it.
Chris watched in concern as Paris withdrew from him, staring at him as he swayed, his arms still out in case any support was needed, but Paris seemed to be okay after a few moments.
"Okay..." he said softly, reluctant to let Paris go with Ross but also wanting to give him the space and respect he'd asked for himself. He would hold true to Paris's request for him not to talk to Billy, wishing he never had in the first place.
"Call me later, at least?" he requested, taking a step back after handing Paris back his bag. He would have walked him to Ross's car, but Paris didn't seem to want his company all that much any more, for the time being, and he was willing to give him some time and space.
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Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 9:59 am
“Yeah, I’ll call you,” Paris promised, and took his bag.
He didn’t know what to do. He knew he should leave, but even after an argument it was a hard thing to do when he missed Chris and how things used to be. Months ago they would have gone home together, apologized to one another and maybe cuddled on the couch for a while, made up for their stupidity and searched for forgiveness. They would have held one another, and kissed one another, and let the rest of the world be as it was because when they were together it didn’t matter.
Because they had each other.
That was always how Paris had felt, ever since Chris had made him feel worth something, ever since he’d found out that Chris was Valhalla, ever since he’d admitted to himself that this was a little more to him than teammates and a school-kid crush. Now he didn’t always have that and he didn’t know what to do about it, except to stand there and let it run its course and hope it turned out all right, because he didn’t know how to fight and he wasn’t sure he’d even known in the first place. He was too lost in it all, in everything—in grief and loss and helplessness.
He stood and stared for a moment, and then swayed forward to grab Chris by the back of the neck and pull him down for a quick kiss, hard but rushed and not nearly enough, and even though he was never ready to let go, Paris released him just as swiftly and turned away, quickening his steps to leave before he did or said something else stupid.
Before he wouldn’t be able to leave at all.
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