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 Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:55 pm
"Yeah," Harrison said, a little surprised at having it described so exactly. No wonder Jordan had known. It'd happened to him too.
But he hadn't attacked anybody.
And he was a Sun. And after Rep had...well, it's not to say he maybe wouldn't have deserved a little attacking from Jordan, after that net business. But Jordan hadn't raised a paw to Rep, and Rep hadn't raised a hand to Harrison, not even when he could have gotten his eyes scratched out.
They'd both watched while the dogs-
That was his fault. He'd attacked the dogs first.
He shook his head, "I tried to get rid of you. And B0nez. I never even thought anything bad about B0nez before. And I-" the lights blinked. Were they really back at the island?
Yep.
"...it's like Jordan said. I hated everybody. Or that old guy hated everybody, and was using me...I don't know."
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 11:00 pm
"I think - I think I fought myself," Jordan said, frowning as he sorted through confused memories. "I can't remember which one I was. Was I both? I was yelling at myself, and then we saw Excalibur and Merlin ... " He shook his head hard. "Ferros," he said suddenly. "What happened there? Are you okay?"
I don't know, Ferros said, subdued. I ... I wanted to protect someone. I don't even remember who it was, but I wanted to protect him. What was I?
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 11:10 pm
Why me? he wanted so badly to ask. He wanted to know why, in a state where he had apparently hated everyone, he had zeroed in on him. Was it because he was nearest? Some sort of perceived threat? He was stuck with his own paranoia, and this state wouldn't naturally pass.
He eyed the bracelet, back to his irritating habit of twirling it with his fingers. "I've hated people in a moment. Hate makes people say what they think, those little ******** things you don't normally say. Some old guy doesn't know how to get at me. You had to hand him that. You had to have thought those things."
Jordan brought back the memory of the internal battle. "I lost when I fought me." He said. He had been himself, but he'd wished somehow he'd been the other him, the one unburdened by all this doubt, so certain and clear of their purpose.
The mention of Ferros made him instinctively reach out to make sure Tracey was there still. He was, but said nothing at all, patiently letting him work through his emotions without intervention, his power still achingly muted.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 11:36 pm
"I don't hate you," Harrison muttered, looking a little sick. "I think...I think something's wrong, still. B0nez says we're back at the island, but-
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 11:46 pm
Jordan started to reach out again, automatically, but the immediate recollection of Rep's flat rejection stayed his hand before he could touch. "I thought things," he said, and hunched his shoulders slightly. "I thought things that maybe I think but I don't really want to think. ******** eyes flicked to Harrison, hurt barely concealed, though he didn't let go of his boyfriend's hand. "Did you mean - you didn't, I know you didn't," he said, his tone edged with a pleading hope.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 11:54 pm
I don't hate you. He wanted to scream. He wanted to throw a genuine temper tantrum right there and then. It told him nothing, hinted at the things he wanted to know but told him nothing. It felt evasive and he didn't like it at all - he felt out of his depth when people seemed to be eluding him. Words, back to that horrible place where that was all they were, disposable and hollow.
Genuine anger for just a moment flickered across his features and everything about his posture tensed.
His thoughts kept going back to those close moments when he'd been so sure, when trust had been so easy and honest. And he could have been wrong. Emotions weren't reliable, emotional instincts even less so.
Jordan's statement didn't make him feel any better, simply confirmed lurking suspicions. It only made sense he supposed, he was useless, he'd just been relying on the idea they genuinely believed he wasn't, to get by. And that they didn't hate him sometimes the way other people seemed to.
"This is definitely the island." he said blankly, too knotted up and angry to say the other things he was struggling with.
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 1:28 am
Harrison just shook his head again.
"I thought you were both just using me this whole time, for- for whatever, and that was all there was to it, and that you both wouldn't mind if I was dead. ...And even knowing all that I didn't want you dead. Even if-"
Harrison's throat was tight.
"-we didn't have anything to do with each other. I don't remember all I said. I was...I was real angry, and I don't," It was stupid to clam up now, and he pressed forward, "know what happened. Everything was twisted up."
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 1:32 am
"Everything was wrong," Jordan agreed quietly. "I wanted you to hurt, because I hurt, and I was going to hurt you first so you'd go away and not hurt me. Ferros yelled me into some kind of awareness, but keeping it under control - that was one of the hardest things I've ever done."
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 9:17 am
He didn't know what to believe. It sounded like they'd lost control of their judgement and senses, but it was very hard to forgive everything easily. He wanted to, but at the same time was wary it was a stupid thing to do, that he was just setting himself up for more hurt down the line.
"You said I was useless." he said distantly. "That you hated me and if you ever saw either of us again it would be too soon." The walls made it possible to talk about things that might have otherwise made him crumble. "I knew other people thought that about me. I never thought you did." The hope he felt at the fact Harrison didn't wish them dead just made him angrier at himself for being stupid - someone simply not wishing immediate murder on you was hardly cause for celebration.
It seemed that Ferros had had some hand in keeping Jordan in the controlled state he'd been in, presumably B0nez hadn't tried half as hard to get Harrison under control. "I tried to get B0nez to help, but whatever happened, happened anyway, I couldn't change it. But what I'm struggling with right? You get to come out of the feeling of being used, Ace. I don't even know where to begin."
He sighed heavily. "I didn't ask to be anyone's punching bag, and I was ******** staggered by how easy it was. Words shouldn't ******** feel like that." He felt tired and drained, the way he'd felt after coming back to life in the other world, like he was missing some jigsaw piece he couldn't find.
"But I made my choices long before this s**t. Doubt won't change that." he said. Even if he wanted it to, to shake off the chains, he knew it would not. "I just want to know, flat up, straight and honest. Right here and now, do you still want me here? Because if there was any ******** truth in those words then here's your chance to get it out in the open, if you want someone else at your back - if I'm no longer good enough to be useful."
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 2:01 pm
"It's...magic s**t," Harrison said, rubbing his arm, "It's not the first time I been out of my head. Won't be the last either. ...Maybe it was my fault. Maybe if I had tried harder...I know I got a temper. I just usually don't aim it at the people I lo-"
He paused awkwardly.
"love," he finished.
"B0nez...he's- when he's on mission, that's what we're doing. He's in it to win. So he was trying to help me best he could while he waited for it to blow over, but I couldn't stand the thought of somebody being in my head. What I said, that wasn't my secret thoughts. That was...that was a lot of angry and hateful s**t from a guy who's only purpose was to get more pieces of mirror. ...If you hadn't looked after me, I'd still be down in the starfield. I needed looking after. I needed you here. Even when I said I didn't. And I still ******** do. ...Course I want you."
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 2:16 pm
"So do I," Jordan added. "I was being an a*****e down there; I didn't mean it, and I'm sorry."
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 2:49 pm
Sometimes there were things that needed to be said. Even despite all the uncertainty he felt regarding words and their sometimes deceiving nature - Rep couldn't deny that he had very much needed to hear those words. The sense of weight and stress he hadn't even been aware of lifted enough to breathe again. The world stopped feeling like an ocean pressing down on him.
The emotional walls almost perceptibly dropped, his expression going from blank and cold to a mixture of sad, tired and grateful.
"I'm sorry for like, making you both relive it and s**t. I know it can't have been pleasant. I just had to know, you both know what I'm like, I can't live with doubt, it ******** eats at me like a sickness. I couldn't just pretend."
"Ta. Both of you."
He reached out on his own this time to try and haul both of them into as crushing a hug as he could manage with the cuff still limiting his strength, the result wasn't hugely impressive, but it was the intent that counted. As he relaxed he said. "And I swear to god Ace, you make me worry like that again, I'm going to break my promise from the desert and kick your a**." There were other things he wanted to say, could have said, about how he needed him too, how that love went both ways. But he figured the playful threats and insults said it in their own way.
He shifted the smirk to Jordan, showing a few teeth in the grin. "You can still be bossy though, that's okay."
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 7:43 pm
"If it happens again, just do me a favor and knock me out," Harrison muttered, returning the hug and hanging onto Jordan just as tight. Nothing, he realized, would have been right again until they were like this, pressed close without any claws involved. "I'm just glad I don't pack too much punch as a cat."
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 9:10 pm
Jordan smiled a little sheepishly and relaxed into the hug, leaning gratefully into them. He hadn't realized quite how much tension he'd been carrying until it dropped away and things were right again. "You were a pretty cute cat, though," he said, his tone gently teasing.
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 9:50 pm
"No worries. I'm not about to try and scruff you again, I'm lucky I still have all my ******** teeth." It felt so good to just lapse back into relaxed conversation, as if the pain and hurt had never happened. His trust had been knocked, but it would recover, Harrison had been as honest with him as he needed, and Jordan had explained how it had felt. He wasn't running scared any more.
"Cute yeah, when not trying to scratch my face off ." he said lazily with a grin. "I wouldn't have minded half as much if you were mute." Joking gently about it was his way of consigning it to something that was past, no longer pressing, simply as ridiculous as some of the other situations they found themselves in.
The only thing that hadn't shifted, even despite him feeling much better, was that nauseous feeling he'd put down to nerves and anxiety. He probably needed some rest, maybe a drink.
"You guys want to get out of here? Looks like the mission's over. For now anyway."
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