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"Depends man." he stated, still thinking about his words for a change before blurting them out. "Like. I want to be better, if like by better you mean.." a vague hand wave "..whatever fits in here, I guess. And I do try. It might not look like it to you guys in your offices or whatever, sitting in your rooms, picking on every little thing I say." he sighed irritably "I have like, women friends and s**t now. I don't drink to excess. I have like a ******** relationship. I've done a lot man. Maybe it's not enough. But no one can say I've not been trying."

He jabbed the papers with a finger. "All this is just my mistakes. But what about the s**t I did right? What about the times I've gone out there and been happy to die for this cause?, what about the times I've done my job, even when it was people I didn't like? I would ******** die for my division and I probably will in the end, one way or another, doesn't that count for even a little? I'm not even asking for a** pats or anything, I'm not some stupid kid, I don't need people's fake approval, I just need to know that I'm not just doing all this stuff for nothing."

"Its hard to be what everyone wants. Its hard when all anyone ever points out is the s**t you did wrong."

"I want to be what you guys want me to be." he gestured with his thumb at the door. "If I end up hurting those assholes, I want it to be because I went out on a battlefield, not because I couldn't grow up fast enough."

Hearing it put like that made sense, he had been treating it as if he was trying to unbalance a scale. It was still a very difficult question for him. But there was only one real answer.

"Aye. I do. I wouldn't had said aye to the offer to come here if I didn't want to change what I was, and what I still am. That's not changed. Just cause I made a wee bit of progress and then ******** up, I'm not going to give up." he shrugged "But its up to you guys if I get the time to become better or if you get bored and I get a bullet first."

"One day at a time. " It sounded so easy when it was put like that. He wasn't so sure in practice.

As for apologies. Man, those would be fun. Trying to make amends with people like Marcus, Candace, Sasha and Jerry. He conceded though, Killzone had a point. "Yeah. I've already had people ditch me in the middle of a fight because they don't like me. Next time I could ******** die." Having Marcus wander off to defend Leon with an impending phoenix had been a jarring and upsetting thing.

"I'll do what I can."

Harrison was off the wall quickly, eyes immediately past Killzone's shoulder- fine. Okay. It had just been talking. Rep was fine.

He grunted assent, then went to arrange himself on one of the oversized beanbags

"Hope all those aren't for us to fill out," he said, commenting on the paper pile.

Rep gathered up the papers as Harrison sat down. "Nope. Just. Records of s**t."

Jordan's touch was welcome, he stopped sitting quite as tense as he passed.

It still felt like an intervention.

Rep hugged the papers to his chest. He was actually somewhat ashamed, and really want them to see the full extent of the s**t he got into. He tried to summarise, looking off to one side as he sought around for words. He didn't like being put on the spot "Well. I guess that, I just figured I'm going to try and not be such a shithead. Be a better person and whatever. " he shrugged, more out of pride than a dismissal of what had been said.

"And I need to apologise to people. And not till I mean it."

"Not being a shithead and being nice to everyone aren't the same," Jordan pointed out. "Well, depending on your definition of nice." He gave Rep a soft-edged smile, then remembered that Killzone was still watching them and hauled back on the mushy a little. He shrugged, looking almost sheepish. "When it comes down to the wire, when it matters, far as I've seen," he told Rep, "you've done the right thing."

Words with slippery, shifting definitions, depending on personal morality. If asked, Jordan would have to admit that there were times when he was uncertain about some of Rep's stated opinions and behaviors, things that contradicted some of his own beliefs, made his personal moral compass waver; nonetheless, he understood defense mechanisms, habitual behavior ground so deep as to be permanent or nearly so, and he could hardly hold anyone to the standard of being a good person when he didn't really claim the title for himself. Opinions and thoughts shared only with one's weapon couldn't be judged. It was the presentation and the behavior that made for smooth interaction with others.

It might also be the case that the intensity of his attachment made for a bias. A blind spot. He was still settling that with himself.

His smile quirked slightly, cynically. "Like I said before, there's a difference between being honest and being offensive. And working towards being able to get along decently with the rest of the island would be a good step, yeah?"